实习医生格蕾

Grey's Anatomy S15E19

Part 4 Jan. 25, 2020, 11:58 a.m.

我非常非常孤独
and I was so, so alone --
我从没有机会或选择去让他负责
I never had the chance or the choice to hold him responsible.
我没法想象你现在是什么感受
I can't imagine how you are feeling right now.
我不能
I can't.
但是有一天你也许会有不同的想法
But, one day, you might feel differently.
你也许会想要正义
You might want justice,
所以我希望你能有一切获取正义的资源
and I want you to have everything you need to do that.
我丈夫他决不能知道
My husband -- he can never know.
他不需要知道
He won't have to.
做吧
Do it.
完成那该死的检查
Just do the damn kit.
好吧好吧
Okay. Okay.
就是这样很好
That's it. There you go.
很好
There you go.
你准备好了吗
Are you ready?
你得说出来
You have to say it.
这是法律
It's the law.
你说好我们才能进行下一步
You say yes, we go to the next step.
你任何时候说不行我们就会停下
You say no at any time, we stop.
-好吧 -好吧
- Okay. - Okay.
好了
Yes.
你准备好了吗
Are you ready?
好了
Yes.
你准备好了吗
Are you ready?
好了
Yes.
你准备好了吗
Are you ready?
好了
Yes.
你准备好了吗
Are you ready?
好了
Yes.
好了
Yes.
好了
Yes.
艾比我们结束了
Abby, we're done.
我在这好吗
I'm here, okay.
我就在这
I'm right here.
你没事的
You're okay.
艾比你没事的
Abby, you're okay.
你从没告诉过任何人
You never told anyone.
警♥察♥ 你父母
The police, your parents...
我说服了几个发现了的人
I convinced the few people who noticed
告诉他们我只是因为上大一长胖了
that it was just the freshman 15,
我还躲开了圣诞假期
and I was able to dodge Christmas break
撒谎说我有期末考试和校园工作
by lying about... finals and work studies.
你没告诉任何人你怀孕了
You didn't tell anyone you were pregnant?
没有
No, no.
我是说
I mean, it --
直到那事发生好几年后
it wasn't until years after it happened that --
在我出生之后
After I happened.
在强♥奸♥发生后
After the rape happened.
在我被强♥奸♥后
After I was raped.
我终于鼓起勇气去看心理医生
I eventually found my way to therapy,
我付出了所有努力
and I did all the work,
我把它写进了日记
and I wrote in journals,
还了解了所有创伤后经济障碍的发病原因
and I learned all the PTSD triggers.
我其实得从管这件事叫"强♥奸♥"开始努力
I-I actually had to work through calling it "Rape" to begin with.
因为我那天确实同意去约会了
Because I did say yes to that date,
我也同意进他的车了
and I did say yes to getting in that car, and...
沿路某个地方的一个人
Someone somewhere along the way --
八成是一个男人
a man, most likely --
决定他们想坐实强♥奸♥这个词
decided they wanted to qualify this word, "Rape."
约会强♥奸♥ 熟人强♥奸♥
You know, date rape, a-acquaintance rape.
不知道为什么如果不是发生在
Somehow, it -- it -- it -- it's -- it's not as real
一个晚上跑过公园
unless it happens to a woman
或走在黑暗小巷的女人身上
who's running through the park at night or --
这事就不那么像真正的强♥奸♥
or walking down a dark alley.
同样不知为什么因为我认识他
As somehow, because I knew him,
他从我这夺走的东西就不重要了
what he took from me didn't matter.
但这很重要
But it did matter.
我学会倾听这些的方法
I found a way to hear that.
找到了相信的方法
I found a way to believe that.
我还
And I --
我还找到了向前走的方法
I found a way to move forward.
-你接受了心理治疗 -是的
- You got therapy. - Yeah.
你向前走了
You moved forward.
你一次都没有试着找过我吗
And you didn't once try and find me?
我被吓坏了
I was petrified.
我怀孕时的每分每秒都很害怕
I was petrified every single moment of my pregnancy.
每天在班上都见到他已经够糟了
I mean, it was bad enough that I had to see his face every day in class.
我太害怕了
I was so terrified...
怕你会是个男孩
imagining that you'd be a boy
怕你会有他的脸和声音
and that you'd have his face and his voice.
每一天每一次你踢我每一瞬间
And every day, every kick, every movement,
只会让我想起你♥爸♥爸
it just reminded me where you came from.
但电影里书上杂♥志♥上
But, you know, movies and books and -- and magazines,
都说到过...
they just kept talking about this...
看到孩子出生时的那种爱意
love that you feel the minute your baby is born.
瞬间激发出的爱
How instantaneous it is
让你的心豁然敞开
and how, um, your heart just cracks wide open, and...
我记得我也一直告诉自己
And I remember, I kept telling myself
当我抱你在怀里的时候
that as soon as I had you in my arms
我也能做到
that I could do that
我也会做到
and that I would do that.
其他女人都是这样我为什么不行
Other women did it, so why couldn't I?
所以我给了医院假名字
So I gave the hospital a fake name.
你出生那天我就带着你走了
I left with you... the day you were born.
我记得他们想要我留院观察
I remember they wanted me to stay,
他们想要我休息但我只想出院
and they wanted me to rest, but I just wanted to get out.
我想要离开那儿我只想...
I just wanted to get out of there, and I just wanted --
只想单独和你在一起
I just wanted to be alone with you,
只有我们两个...
and I just wanted it to be the two of us, and...
我想凝视着你抱着你
...and I wanted to stare at you and hold you...
直到对你萌生爱意
...'til that love came.
但爱意一直没有来
But it never did.
不有的
No, it did.
的确有
It did.
他们说的一切都太对了
Everything they said was absolutely right.
我的心豁然敞开
My heart cracked wide open.
但我们从没有真正单独在一起
It was never just us,
不管我多努力不管我做什么都没用
no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did.
我只是让你想起他
I was just a reminder of him.
我因此十分怨恨你
I resented you so much for it.
我曾经花了很长时间...
I spent most of my life...
怀疑我遇到的每个人
doubting everyone I ever met,
在他们离开我之前先转身离开
leaving them before they could leave me.
现在我长大了
I am a grown woman
有了我爱的工作朋友
with a job that I love and friends I love
和疼爱我的丈夫
and a husband who loves me,
但还是...
and still --
还是...
still...
我还是在等待
I was walking around, uh, waiting,
想知道你会不会有天来找我
wondering if you would ever find me.
你会不会对我说一声抱歉
If you would ever say that you're sorry.
我尽力了
I did the best I could.
尽力应该是去找一家领养机构
The best you could would've been to find an adoption agency
保证我能有个家有爱我的人
and make sure I had a home and someone to love me,
而不是像垃圾一样把我丢掉
not toss me away like garbage.
面对现在的我
It is so easy to look at me now
很容易能想到各种
and think of all the ways
我以前如何能更友善更好更明智
that I could've been kinder, better, or smarter,
但...
but...
那个时候的我和现在截然不同
...I was not the person I am today.