神烦警探

Brooklyn Nine-Nine S02E19

Part 4 Aug. 16, 2021, 3:05 p.m.

You're in big trouble, buddy.
只是你的大麦克比萨餐厅的优♥惠♥券今天过期而已
your e-coupon for Big Mike's Calzones expires today
你特么没错
You're damn right.
如果今天我不花掉
And if I don't redeem that,
大麦克会起疑心的
Big Mike is gonna get real suspicious.
大麦克只是一个
Big Mike is a cartoon
用比萨作眼睛的卡♥通♥人物而已
with pizzas for eyes.
好吧
All right, fine.
也许他不会起疑心但别人会的
Maybe not Big Mike, but someone will.
闭嘴 Peralta
Shut up, Peralta!
噢我去
Oh, boy.
Holt警监
Captain Holt,
这是你的数据报告
here's your CompStat report.
我以后都这样行动了
This is how I move now.
走路跟跳舞太过相似
Walking is too close to dancing,
而我的人生不会再有舞蹈了
and there's no more dance in me.
还有我希望我的腿部肌肉会萎缩
Plus I'm hoping my leg muscles will atrophy
这样我就不会试着再用它们了
so I won't be tempted to use them.
把她的舞蹈称作♥爱♥好感觉不错吧
I bet you feel real good about calling her dancing hobby, huh?
讽刺是懦弱者的谎言
Sarcasm... the coward's lie.
我不明白
I don't get it.
Gina总是很有自信的
Gina's always so sure of herself.
她一般都不在乎
She usually doesn't care at all
别人怎么说她怎么想她
what people say or think about her.
可能不在乎大多数人吧警监
Maybe not with most people, Captain.
但她在乎你的看法
But she cares what you think.
好吧我后悔我说过的话了
Fine. I regret what I said.
但现在我不知道该怎样纠正错误
But now, I don't know how to make it right with her.
撒谎啊
Lie!
昨天我告诉双胞胎
Look, yesterday I told my twins
她们肚子里有小兔兔
there were baby bunnies in their stomachs
就为了骗她们吃莴苣
to get them to eat lettuce.
她们信你了
And that worked?
是啊但然后她们就不肯喝牛奶了
Yeah, but then they refused to drink their milk
说是害怕把小兔兔淹死
because they thought the bunnies would drown.
所以我又买♥♥了几只兔子告诉她们
So I bought a couple rabbits and told the girls
小兔兔在她们睡觉的时候从她们嘴里跳出来了
that they hopped out of their mouths while they slept.
我不知道你想表达什么
I've lost track of your point.
她们吃了莴苣
They ate their lettuce,
我家里现在有两只兔子
I'm stuck with two bunnies,
撒谎大♥法♥好
and lying works!
这个口塞很棒吧
Pretty good gag, huh?
一个妓♥女♥教我做的
A prostitute taught me how to make it.
呕你去哪了
Ugh. Where were you?
你离开了三个小时
You were gone for three hours.
因为我唱了143遍<生活就是这样>
I know because I sang "This Is How We Do It" 143 times.
我去美术用品商店买♥♥了几样东西
Okay, well, I had to grab a few things at the art supply store.
绑♥架♥大部分得自己动手
Kidnapping is 90% crafting.
Jake 你要帮我让人生回到正轨
Jake, you're gonna help me get my life back.
我需要你在录像里承认
You're gonna confess, on video,
所有的事情都是你陷害我的
to framing me for everything that got me in trouble.
你凭什么让我这么做
And why would I do that?
因为我现在嗑浴盐嗑嗨了
Because I'm high on bath salts,
情绪极度不稳定
emotionally unstable,
而且手上还拿着把枪指着你
and pointing a gun at you.
咱们来拍电影吧
Let's make a movie!
嗨 Boyle
Hey, Boyle,
猜猜谁逮到了Tim O豪车敲诈案的嫌犯
guess who caught the Tim O's Limos perp.
Jake吗
Jake?
Jake回来了吗
Is Jake back?
不是我们
No, we did.
Scully和Hitchcock
Scully and Hitchcock.
认罪书
Signed confession.
你说我们没用
You called us useless.
说我们无能
You called us incompetent.
说我们没种
You called us zeros in the sack.
我没说过这句
Never happened.
好吧昨晚有个人对我说过
Well, someone said it to me last night.
噢肯定是我的老婆
Oh, uh, must have been my wife.
你们是怎么解决这个案子的
How did you solve the case?
我们又听了一遍语♥音♥
We listened to those voicemails again
注意到背景里有鹦鹉的叫声
and noticed the sound of parrots in the background.
列了一个雇员名单
Got a list of employees, did door duty
挨家挨户问邻居有没有谁养了鸟
asking neighbors if any of them kept pet birds.
最终找到一个养鸟的然后你猜怎么着
We finally found one who did, and guess what.
他住的地方门前的花♥园♥全是这种石头
The landscaping in front of his building was covered with these.
和砸进窗户的石头一模一样
Same type of rock that was thrown through the window.
简直不敢相信
I can't believe it.
什么你觉得这个石头砸不破玻璃吗
What, you don't think it could break one?
看着
Watch.
我是说我不敢相信你们破了这个案子
I meant I can't believe you solved the case.
这点你也看错了
Well, you were wrong on that too.
嗨我是Jake Peralta
Hi. My name is Jake Peralta,
接下来是我的认罪声明
and this is my confession.
我破坏了一个美国英雄 Geoffrey Hoytsman的名誉
I destroyed the good name of an American hero... Geoffrey Hoytsman.
我陷害他携带毒品
I framed him for drug possession,
还害他失去工作
I got him fired from his job,
并且栽赃嫁祸他的睾丸纹
and I planted his scrotal prints
到犹太教堂的门把手上
on the synagogue doorknobs.
很好还有八项罪名就结束了
Great, now just eighty more confessions to go.
你真是个淘气的小伙子啊
You've been very naughty.
我威胁Hoytsman先生如果他不
I threatened to blow Mr. Hoytsman's head off
"在他爹葬礼上抠门"
if he didn't quote-unquote
我就打爆他的头
"Really cheap out on his dad's funeral."
在他睡觉的时候
And while he slept,
我登进Hoytsman先生的电脑
I logged in to Hoytsman's computer
下载了泰国色情片
and flooded it with Thai pornography.
开始哭泣
Starts crying.
"开始哭泣"是一个表演提示
"Starts crying" Is a stage direction,
你个傻子
you imbecile!
而且我和Hoytsman家的清洁女工生了两个小孩
Also, I fathered two children with Hoytsman's cleaning lady,
还假扮成Geoffrey
and it was I, disguised as Geoffrey,
在她寻求政♥治♥庇护的听证会上提出反对
who spoke against her at her political asylum hearing.
天哪
God.
是你干的不是我
You did it, not me.
我对一位高尚的绅士做了很多坏事
I am a horrible person who has done horrible things
我是一个丧尽天良的人
to a truly decent man,
所以我决定结束自己的生命
which is why I've decided to take my own life.
等等不我没决定自杀啊
Wait, no, I didn't decide that.
不小心剧透啦
Spoiler alert!
决定结束自己的生命
Decided to take my own life.
最后这段听起来不错
That last take sounded great.
你把我写的台词表演的淋漓尽致
You really brought my words to life.
早知道我就多写一点了
You know, I should write more.
真是过瘾
What a rush!
Hoytsman 你没必要这么做
Hoytsman, you don't have to do this.
你过得不是很糟啊
Your life's not so bad.
住在一个冰淇淋车里从不洗澡
Living in an ice cream truck? Never showering?
简直是我的儿时梦想啊
That was my childhood dream.
我曾拥有一切
I had everything.
我有朋友有妻子有两个可爱的孩子
I had friends, a wife, two beautiful children...
和一个不太可爱的
out of three total.
概率蛮高了
Not a bad ratio.
现在我一无所有
And now I have nothing
孤家寡人
and no one.
听着我懂
Look, I get it.
我知道那种感觉
I know what that feels like.
你才在冰淇淋车里待了一天不到
You've only lived in an ice cream truck for part of one day!
你怎么可能懂我
How could you possibly know?
我知道没人会来救我
Well, I know no one's coming to rescue me.
我太专注于拯救我自己和我的名声