无耻家庭

Shameless S10E02

Part 3 Nov. 19, 2019, 11:58 a.m.

好吧我们...
Fine. Yeah, no, we'll be...
我们不会有事的
we'll be fine.
该死
Shit!
放入小费感受一下
勒布朗球鞋再见了
Good-bye, LeBrons.
给你拿好
Here you go. Take 'em.
我以为它们能帮我打好篮球
Thought they were gonna help me play b-ball better,
但是...
but...
看来我已经过了巅峰时期
I guess I'm, uh, past my prime.
我只是个取货的伙计
Just the middleman here, amigo.
你们有洗手间吗
Got a can in this place?
就在那边
Yeah, right over there.
我完事来一杯啤酒加一杯野格酒
I'll take a beer and a shot of Jaeger when I'm out.
好
Okay.
他就把鞋留在外面吗
He just leaves them here?
可能是他暗示你可以敲亚马逊一把
Maybe he's telling you it's okay to pull a Scamazon.
-什么 -坑亚马逊的钱
- A what? - Scamazon.
我给微波炉办退货
I returned my microwave,
但我在盒子里放了块砖没放微波炉
except I put a brick in the box instead of the microwave.
运输系统一扫描到退货件
Soon as On Board Shipping scanned the return,
我的钱立刻就被退回来了
my money was instantly credited back to me.
他们从来不检查盒子里有什么
They never checked inside the box.
真机智
That's genius.
我的意思是商家太蠢了
They're stupid is what I was gonna say.
-为什么那么看我 -因为不该这样
- Why's that again? - Because it's wrong.
-不该这样 -但对大公♥司♥来说无所谓
- It's wrong. - Not if it's a big corporation.
他说得对
Yeah, he's right.
换成小商小贩我绝对不会那么做
I'd never do it to a little guy, you know,
比如一家人开的小杂货店
like some mom-and-pop place.
但对于大公♥司♥ 那些成本已经算进去了
But a big company, they factor that stuff in.
不管对象是谁偷就是偷
It's stealing no matter who you do it to.
那我猜你们不想知道
Then I guess you don't wanna know
还能怎么敲亚马逊一笔
about another way to Scamazon.
-不想 -想
- No. - Yes.
我下单之后
I ordered shit,
跟他们说我没收到货
told them that I didn't receive it,
其实我收到了
even though I did.
于是他们会再寄一份
So they sent me another.
这么说我本来可以搞到两双球鞋的吗
You mean I coulda got two pairs of sneakers?
所以我才会有两个手电筒
That's why I have two fleshlights.
你说的是普通手电筒还是手电筒式飞机杯
You saying flashlight or fleshlight?
我想你知道我说的是哪个
I think you know what I'm sayin'.
那个快递员死了
That delivery guy's dead.
我能再来杯啤酒吗
Can I have another beer, please?
什么
What?
他说他还想要杯啤酒
He said he wants another beer.
-我去 -我勒个去
- Aw, jeez. - Oh, jeez.
他为什么上厕所的时候
What's he doing with a belt around his neck
-脖子上要缠根皮带 -他当时在自♥慰♥ 小凯
- While he was taking a piss? - He was jacking off, Kev.
自♥慰♥的同时勒住自己脖子
And strangling himself at the same time.
为什么
Why?
因为这样爽
'Cause it feels good.
那是叫什么性窒息吗
Is that that autoerotic shit?
-没错 -对
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
兄弟何必呢
Aw, dude, come on!
我一直没勇气这么干
I never had the courage.
他为毛要在我们洗手间里爽
Why the fuck's he doing it in our bathroom?
他就不能等回家了再撸吗
Couldn't he wait till he got home?
-精虫上脑 -你们都是白♥痴♥
- When the urge hits... - You guys are idiots.
他没用柠檬
He didn't use a lemon.
我涉猎颇广都不知道这招
Even I don't know that one.
撸之前在嘴里含个柠檬
Y-you keep a lemon in your mouth.
这样你要是晕过去开始痉挛
That way, when you pass out and start to seize,
你就会咬破柠檬酸醒自己
you bite into the lemon, wake yourself up.
我以后也试试这招
Maybe I should try that sometime, then.
-那我们现在怎么办 -报♥警♥
- So what do we do now? - Call the cops.
或者我们先搬空他的车
Or we could raid his truck first.
-没错 -对
- Yes. - Yeah.
-反正他也死了 -对
- I mean, dead is dead. - Yeah.
推迟几个小时再报♥警♥又如何
What's a couple of hours?
说得对走
That's a good point. Let's go.
走
Yeah.
等等住手
Hold on! Stop.
小维说得对住手
V's right. Stop.
这个傻帽走进我的厕所
This joker comes into my bathroom,
用皮带勒自己脖子撸管
jacks off, chokes himself,
本来打算事后再喝两杯酒
then was gonna have a shot and a beer,
半嗨半醉地回去
go back on his big truck to work
继续开着卡车送货我说得对吗
all hammered and jizzed out-- do I have this right?
-完全正确妥妥的 -对
- Absolutely correct. One hundred percent. - Yeah.
去他的他可能会撞死孩子
Fuck him. He coulda killed a kid.
他活该自己的卡车被洗劫一空
He deserves to have his truck ransacked.
让开老娘先选
Move. I got first dibs.
不愧是我的老婆
That's my girl.
高压180 低压120
One-eighty over 120.
太高了埃内斯托你得少吃点盐
That's high, Ernesto. You gotta cut out the salt.
监狱里能吃的也就只有盐了
Salt's the only edible thing in this place.
也是
Yeah, well...
你的点滴快没了切斯特
About halfway finished there, Chester.
往点滴里加点清洁剂让我解脱吧
Put some Drano in the line, take me outta my misery.
别这样
Hey, come on, now.
你快要保外就医了对吗
You're up for a compassionate release, right?
保外就医个鬼
Compassionate release, my ass.
我获释唯一高兴的人
The only person my release would be compassionate to
就是纳税人狗屁先生
is Mr. Johnny Dingleberry taxpayer
因为他不想承担
who doesn't wanna foot the bill
我在监狱里的医药费
for my medical expenses in here.
你能见到自己的家人和朋友
You get to see your family, your friends.
他们都死了
They're all dead.
要不然你以为他们为什么把我丢进这里
Why do you think they put me in here in the first place?
那就交几个新朋友
Make new friends.
我在这里待了30年了
I been in here for 30 years.
在外面我两天都撑不下去的
I wouldn't survive two days out there.
我尿血
I'm pissin' blood.
我的疱疹也爆发了
My shingles are flarin' up.
我还有痴呆症... 好像
And I've got dementia... I think.
我想问你个问题
Hey, let me ask you a question.
你和马可是怎么同住一间牢房♥这么多年
How'd you and Marco survive in that cell all those years
-还没把对方杀死的 -很简单
- without killing each other? - Oh, that's easy.
只要...
You ju--
等等
Oh, wait, now.
马可是谁
Who's Marco?
你牢里的老婆
Your prison wife.
你们在一起12年
You were together, like, 12 years.
他将近两米拉美裔
He's six-foot-five, Hispanic.
他喜欢啃别人的脸
He likes to eat people's faces.
听起来确实像我喜欢的类型
Does sound like someone I'd date.
好吧算了
Okay, never mind.
你是说你和米奇吗
Are you talkin' about you and Mickey?
你都记得米奇却不记得马可吗
Okay, you remember Mickey but not Marco?
马可是谁
Who's Marco?
-算了吧 -你和你那位
- Forget about it. - Uh, you and your fella
只需要分开一段时间
just need a little time apart,
短暂的分居
a temporary separation.
迷你假期
A mini vacation.
在监狱里要怎么做到
How am I supposed to do that in prison?
我告诉你
I'll tell ya how.
但你需要捅我一刀
But you need to stab me.
深到足够让他们把我留在这里就行
Just deep enough so they have to keep me here,
然后你就能去单人牢房♥待一段时间了
and then you can go to solitary for a couple of weeks.
你是准备磨蹭到下辈子吗