单亲

Single Parents S01E06

Part 3 Nov. 27, 2019, 11:46 a.m.

and Candy Crush and Calculator.
比你想象的简单
It's easier than you think, okay?
尽量不要回她太多话
Just give her as little as possible.
随便给她发个词
Um, text her a random word
看她多久回你
and then see how long before she responds.
好那我给她发
All right. I'm gonna text her...
"生菜"
"Lettuce."
发送
And sent.
现在我们只要等着
Now we just wait and --
我不确定她是否想回我这张照片
I wonder if she meant to send that picture.
或者是这张
Or that one.
还是这张
Or that one.
好吧现在我想
Okay, I think it's safe to assume
她是真的想回这些照片
she means to send these.
-什么照片啊 -什么也没有
- What are they? - Nothing.
如果你真想知道
I guess, if you must know,
这些是人们所说的"性♥爱♥短♥信♥"
they are what people refer to as "Sexual text messages"
或者叫"性[信]息"
or "Sexages."
你觉得安吉会介意
Hey, do you think that Angie would mind
我约她儿子的医生吗
if I asked out her pediatrician on a date?
我的意思是我不想让她失去
I mean, I just don't want to mess up her chance
试用流感疫苗喷雾的机会
to get on the Mist List.
你真的和那个医生好上了
If anything, you hooking up with this doctor
只会帮助她得到那个机会
is only gonna help Angie's chances.
好哥们
My dude.
但是现在已经没有人去约会了
But no one does dates anymore, a'ight?
都是先上♥床♥
Sex comes first.
-我准备好了 -我知道
- I'm ready for that. - I know you're ready for that.
我就知道总会有一天要拿自己的身体
I always knew a day would come I'd have to use my body
做交易
as a bargaining chip.
天哪
Whoa, mama!
看来肖像模式
Well, apparently you can use portrait mode
不只可以用来拍脸
on more than just your face.
有人度过了难忘的一夜啊
Someone had a night to remember.
我不知道你在说什么
I have no idea what you're talking about.
也许这段视频能唤起你的记忆
Maybe some video will jog your memory.
亲亲波比漂亮的脸蛋
Kiss Poppy's pretty face...
亲亲漂亮脸蛋
Kiss pretty face...
那是我发烧说胡话了
That is the ravings of a feverish man.
你不会给你妈看吧
You're not gonna show that to your mom, are you?
谁说的准我会做什么呢
Who's to say what I'll do?
我才七岁
I'm 7.
我才不会被一年级小学生威胁呢
I'm not gonna be threatened by a first grader.
艾玛艾米上车去
Emma? Amy? Get in the car.
她们好像听不到你说话
I don't think they can hear you.
她们听到了
Oh, they can hear me.
她们终于看到了我虚弱的样子
It's happening. They saw me weak.
用不了多久她们就会对我剥骨吸髓了
Now it's just a matter of time before they feast on my body.
大家好有大事了
Hey, guys. Big news.
明天晚上会有个女人来我家
Tomorrow night, there is a woman coming over to my house,
我很确定我们会滚床单
and I'm pretty sure we're going to make sex.
性交性交
In-ter-course. In-ter-course.
-你在干什么 -终于来了
- What are you doing? - Finally.
性交性交
In-ter-course! In-ter-course!
-苏珊 -快走宝贝
- Hi, Susan. - Come on, honey.
恭喜你有一位女士
Congratulations. Some woman out there
将会经历非常平凡的一晚
is gonna have a very mediocre night.
那当然
Yeah, she is.
而且她给我发了一大堆"性♥息♥"
And she's been sending me a bunch of sexages...
我可能也给她发了一两条
..and I may have sent her one or two myself.
-天呐 -这不合适吧
- God! - Okay. Not cool.
把手♥机♥拿开
Put your phone away!
比我以为你要给我们看的东西还糟糕
That's worse than what I thought you were gonna show us.
-我可不是这么教你的 -太差劲了
- I taught you better than that. - Terrible.
这位好像挺幸运的女士是谁
So who's the kind of lucky lady?
给你们三个提示
I'll give you three hints.
你们认识她尊敬她
You know her, you respect her,
是德万医生
and it's Dr. Dewan.
是德万医生
It's Dr. Dewan?
不行
No, dude.
绝对不行
Definitely not. No.
她的意思是不能交往和孩子有关系的人
What she means is we don't date people who work with our kids.
一般都不会有好结果
It just tends to end in disaster.
也许威尔可以破例一次
Maybe we can make an exception for Will.
他是个成年人
I mean, he's an adult man, and damn it,
而且这个倒霉蛋该失去处子身了
the poor sap deserves to lose his virginity.
但他同时穿了
Yeah, but the man is wearing
两件羊绒衫
two separate pieces of fleece clothing.
也许这次可以变通一下
Maybe we bend the rules just this once.
变通一下
Bend the rules?
我想睡双胞胎的
Where were you when I wanted to sleep
跆拳道教练的时候你怎么说的
with the twins' karate sensei?
加里大♥师♥
Master Gary?
他那么严格律己
Yeah. He was so disciplined.
威尔这事不行
Will, this is not happening, okay?
我不想再重新争取其他医生的喷雾机会了
I don't want to start all over on some new doctor's Mist List.
你必须和她分手但别惹她生气
You have to end it, but don't make her angry.
-明白吗 -明白完全明白
- Understand? - Absolutely. Crystal clear.
让她高兴结束关系
Keep her happy, break it off.
小菜一碟很容易
No big deal. Simple.
真棒你传染给我了
Perfect. You got me sick!
我本想让你照顾我
I'd ask you to take care of me,
但我猜你也有禁止这种事的规矩吧
but I assume you have some code against that, too?
那是当然
You bet your sick ass I do.
但我可以给你开一包阿奇霉素
But all you'll be getting out of me is a Z-Paktt
以及接听电♥话♥服务的号♥码
and the number to my answering service.
-给你 -谢谢
- Here you go. - Thanks.
你好道格拉斯
Why, hello, Douglas.
妈想看看我昨晚拍的视频吗
Mom, any interest in some video I shot on my phone last night?
你猜怎么着我有个好主意
You know what? I got a great idea.
要不你去药房♥
Why don't you get to the pharmacy
我来送罗里回家
and I'll make sure Rory gets home.
姑娘们上车
Girls, car.
艾米莉·狄金森你退烧了吗
Hey, Emily Dickinson! How's your fever?
美国著名女诗人
你为什么不盖条毯子躺着
Why don't you go curl up with a blanket
再为它写首诗呢
and write a poem about it?
我说什么来着管不住了
What'd I tell you? I lost them.
不要拜拜
No. Bye-bye.
不错道格拉斯干得不错
Nice, Douglas. Real nice.
兄瑟夫
Okay, Broseph.
弟斯拉什么事
Brozilla, what's up?
我真的需要你帮我脱身
I'm really gonna need your help getting out of this now.
冷静这种情况下大多数人都会说
Easy. See, most people in that situation would be like,
"想甩掉一个姑娘吗跟她玩消失"
"You wanna get rid of a girl? Ghost her."
但我觉得不行正相反
But I say, nah, become the opposite of a ghost.
变成妖精[ghost有鬼魂的意思]
Which is a goblin?
食尸鬼
A ghoul?
不鬼魂的反面是快递员
N-No, the opposite of a ghost is a mailman.
你要快递员她
You gotta mailman that chick, bro.
快递员要怎么做
How do you mailman someone?
天呐
Man... Okay, look.
你不打招呼就到她们家
You show up, totally unannounced, at their house.
听起来是挺像邮递员的
Yeah, okay. That sounds like a mailman.
你说了吗
Have you said anything?
还没有但你知道保守秘密有多难
Not yet, but you know how hard it is to keep a secret,
而且我开始觉得这个秘密不简单
and I'm starting to think that this is a juicy one.
你想要什么
What do you want from me?
你应该知道我要什么
I think you know what I want.
去购物吗
To go shopping?
你刚刚对我本人做了一个
You just made a huge assumption