单亲

Single Parents S01E04

Part 1 Nov. 27, 2019, 11:45 a.m.

你觉得他在和谁说话
Who do you think he's talking to?
国税局求他们来查账
IRS. He's begging them to audit him.
不不不他再给自己留言
No, no, no, he -- he's leaving himself a voicemail.
"兄弟你干得很好
"Hey, there, buddy. You're doing a great job.
给我回电♥话♥"
Call me back."
不是他前妻
No, it's his ex-wife.
你看他
Look at him:
皱着眉夹着屁♥股♥
that forehead crease, those clenched butt cheeks.
米娅对吧
Mia, right?
那个穿得花里胡哨的人♥权♥律师
The schmancy pants human rights lawyer?
-女士们好 -米娅怎么了
- Hello, ladies. - What's up with Mia?
-你是怎么 -我也经历过
- How did you -- - 'Cause I've been there.
你的屁♥股♥蛋也泄密了
And your butt cheeks.
出什么事了
So, what happened?
没什么大事只是...
It's not a big deal, just...
米娅推迟了来看苏菲的时间
Mia postponed her visit to come see Sophie.
不是第一次了
Yet again.
我现在直到约定的前一天
It's gotten to the point where I can't tell Sophie
才能告诉苏菲
that her mom's coming to visit her
她妈妈不来看她了
until like, literally the day before
因为每次米娅爽约苏菲都很难过
because Sophie gets so bummed every time Mia flakes.
不是因为我会难过...
Not that that guts me every time...
离婚后你的状态还好吗
How are you processing the divorce?
-现在还很生气吗 -不太好
- Where are you on anger? - Not great.
说实话
‭Honestly.
但我们说好了保持乐观
But she and I decided it'd be best for Sophie
对苏菲是最好的
if we always kept it really positive.
说真的我不生气
And -- And honestly, I'm not angry.
真的真的
Honestly. Honestly.
-真的 -真的吗
- Honestly. - Honestly?
-真的 -完了
- Honestly. - Well, this is a disaster.
他们非要让我监督
I just got stuck chaperoning the field trip
木偶剧院课外考察
to the marionette theatre.
太好玩了
‭So fun!
我最怕木偶了
I'm terrified by those puppets,
脑袋晃来晃去四肢东倒西歪
with the bobbing heads, the herky-jerky limbs,
双眼无神
the lifeless eyes.
天呐
Good God, man!
你还好吗
Are you okay?
杰克又一夜没睡
Jack was up all night again.
我做错了什么
What am I doing wrong?
你的睡前活动是什么
Well, what's your bedtime routine?
-我给他洗澡 -很好
- I give him a bath... - Good.
然后我们喝几杯奶昔
...then we split a couple milkshakes,
逗一逗路过的流浪狗
tease that stray dog that comes by,
他看我跟着闪光灯跳舞
then he watches me dance to a strobe light,
然后我整晚都抱着他
and then I snuggle him all night.
我的天啊
Oh. My. God.
你还没给杰克做过睡眠训练吗
You still haven't sleep trained Baby Jack?
等等
Hold up!
又有我不知道的婴儿知识吗
There's another thing about babies I don't know?
睡眠训练就是
Look, sleep training is where
你要教宝宝学会自己睡觉
you teach your child how to sleep all on their own.
在宝宝醒着的时候
You put them in the crib
把他放进摇篮然后离开
while they're still awake, and you leave,
不管他哭得多凶
and you do not pick that baby up,
都不许抱起来
no matter how hard they cry.
这样他才能学会自我舒缓
It's how they learn to self-soothe.
但你不会舒缓的
But you won't be soothed.
快找到你的拇指宝贝
Find your thumb, baby!
苏菲的房♥间
你们都是白♥痴♥
You people are idiots.
艾玛和艾米小的时候
When Emma and Amy were babies,
我直接喊"睡觉去" 然后离开房♥间
I would just yell "Sleep!" and leave the room.
重点是要强硬
It's about being tough.
所以女人不擅长
That's why women are no good at it.
-那好吧 -什么
- Okay, then. - Excuse me?
你刚才说什么
What did you just say?
怎么了这是染色体决定的
What? It's in your chromosomes.
女性在生理上无法抵抗
Women are, uh, biologically unable to resist
婴儿的哭声
the sound of a baby's cries.
你们天生适合养育孩子
You were born to nurture.
所以上帝才给你们两个枕头
That's why God gave you two pillows.
你知道吗
You know what?
为了向你证明
Just to prove to you that,
震惊女人可以哄小婴儿睡着
Gasp!, a woman can get a wittle baby down,
我打赌我只用一晚就能训练杰克睡觉
I bet I can sleep train Baby Jack in one night.
有意思
Oh, now, this is getting interesting.
我有什么好处
What's in it for me?
如果我失败了
If I can't...
我
...I...
就负责监督木偶剧院
will chaperone the marionette theatre.
木偶戏酷毙了
Oooh! ‭Puppetry is so dope.
-不要说"酷毙了" -但如果成功了
- Don't say "Dope." - But if I can...
我就可以在你的皮肤科办公室
I get ten minutes alone in the sample closet
样品柜里单独待十分钟
at your dermatology office.
青春之柜
Ahh, The Closet of Youth?
你以为自己是谁珍妮·安妮斯顿
Who do you think you are? Jenny Aniston?
告诉你一言为定
I'll tell you what -- you're on.
我会让他睡得很死死到再也醒不了
I'm gonna put that baby down so hard, he never wakes up!
-安吉 -过分了
- Angie! - ‭That's a lot.
连我都觉得过分了
Oh, that's even too far for me.
不是那个意思抱歉米基
Not like that! Sorry, Miggy.
米基
Miggy?
单亲
第一季第四集
别拘束朋友
Make yourself at home, homey.
你真的要在我家照顾大孩子了吗
Are you sure you're up for watching the big kids at my place?
你从没有同时看护过那么多人
I mean, you've never watched all of them at the same time,
而且...
and...
格雷厄姆有时候...
...Graham can be...
会有点情绪化
a little emotional.
我都看不出来他是因为受欺负了
I-I-I never know if it's because he's being bullied
还是因为汤广♥告♥而哭
or if he's just crying over a soup commercial.
我知道你们都觉得我是个
Listen, I know you guys think I'm some dummy
无法训练自己孩子睡觉的傻子
who can't even sleep train his own baby --
我们才没有
No, we don't!
好吧确实如此
Mm. ‭Fine, we do.
但是我们觉得其他事你也做不了
But, hey, we also think you can't do other things.
我能搞定
Look, I got it.
事实上我已经计划好了
Matter of fact, I have a whole plan
这能彻底地改变保姆的局面
that'll change the face of babysitting forever.
听好了
Check this:
披萨和电影
Pizza. And. A. Movie.
什么
What?
-你搞定了 -对吧
- You cracked it. ‭ - Word.
糟了
Oh, snap.
在他连续大哭15个小时之前
Okay, you have one minute before this baby
你只剩下一分钟了
starts screaming for the next fifteen hours.
再见杰克
Bye, Jack!
你把格雷厄姆忘了
You're forgetting Graham.
孩子多了会更容易照顾
It'll be easier to keep track of them when there's more of them.
-有道理 -对
- Makes sense. ‭- Yeah.
-小G咱们走吧 -再见妈妈
- G-Money, let's go. - Bye, Mom.
不管你想证明什么祝你好运
Good luck with whatever it is you're trying to prove.
好了小花生豆咱们开始吧
‭All right, you little goober. Let's do this.
你听好了
Listen, you,
你今天晚上将会非常不好过知道吗
you're about to have a really bad night, okay?
但是记住不管发生什么
But just know whatever happens,
我就在门外
I'm right outside that door,
做《人物》杂♥志♥上的填字游戏
doing the People Magazine crossword puzzle
因为其他填字游戏对我来说太难了