单亲

Single Parents S01E01

Part 2 Nov. 27, 2019, 11:45 a.m.

我们不是苍白的老男人
We're not pasty old white guys.
我们是皮肤科医生
We're dermatologists
专门拯救苍白老男人的生命
saving the lives of pasty old white guys.
大伙儿我需要帮助
Hey, guys, I need some help.
我在格雷厄姆的背包里找到了这个
Found this in Graham's backpack.
格雷厄姆写情书了
Graham wrote a love letter.
-不会吧给佐伊的 -是的
- Oh, no, to Zoe? - Yes.
那个总是戴着兔子耳朵的姑娘吗
That girl who always wears bunny ears?
-她是个疯子 -她管理这学校
- She's crazy. - She runs the school.
如果她伤了格雷厄姆的心
And if she breaks Graham's heart,
我就把她的脚剁下来做成钥匙链
I will chop off her feet and turn them into keychains.
开玩笑的
Just kidding.
但我会非常生气
But I'll be really mad.
天啊新来的
Oh, God, the new guy.
野游你们是有司机保险吗
...field trips? Actually, are you insured drivers?
我们得处理一下他
We have got to deal with him.
我可没时间一年到头分发塔可
But I have no time to be handing out tacos all year.
-没错 -说得对
- No. - Word.
我对你赶走去年那个
I'm still in awe of how you did away
班主任的事还记忆犹新
with last year's Room Parent.
你把我们大家的电♥话♥都去掉了
You wiped all trace of us from that phone tree.
我很擅长这些
It's kind of my thing.
家长们我是威尔·库珀
Parents! Will Cooper!
我就想回来问问
I just wanted to, uh, circle back
大家对委员会能有什么奉献
and see where we are vis-à-vis committees.
让我解释清楚
You know what? Let me say it plain --
我们不会做任何你想让我们做的事
we're not gonna do anything you want us to do.
不哥们我们是单亲家长
No, man. We're single parents.
我们不做志愿者只是试着活下去
We don't volunteer. We just try and survive
等到某一刻能够开酒享受一下
until a time in the day when it's appropriate to open wine.
我不知道你们有没有听我的演讲
I don't know if you heard my announcement,
但我也是单身
but I'm single, as well.
-听见了 -听见了 -都听见了
- We heard. - We -- We heard. - We heard, bro.
对于家长参与这事我可没有商量余地
So I have no wiggle room on parent participation.
你深陷其中了是不是
You're in deep, aren't you?
深陷什么
Deep in what?
漩涡
The vortex.
你的生活内外都围着孩子转
That place where you're so wrapped up in your kid
你已经没有自己的生活了
that you've lost all touch with your adult life
也不再是从前的你了
and the person you used to be.
我懂因为我也是这么过来的
I know, 'cause I've been there.
*巴士的车轮转呀转*
*The wheels on the bus go round and round*
*转呀转转呀转*
*Round and round, round and round*
*巴士的车轮转呀转*
*The wheels on the bus go round and round*
我们都是这么过来的
It happens to all of us.
但我不觉得自己深陷漩涡
But I don't think I'm in a vortex.
威尔你上次十点后睡觉是什么时候
Will, when was the last time you stayed up past 10:00?
晚上十点吗
In the nighttime?
我问你上次你做♥爱♥是什么时候
Okay, when's the last time you made love?
天啊
Oh, my...
没关系我们不会评头论足
It's okay. There's no judgment here.
这里很安全
This is a safe space.
-真的 -对啊说吧
- Yeah, for real. - Yeah, just tell us.
-真的吗 -大概数字就好了
- Yeah? - Just ballpark.
好吧大概...
All right, ballpark...
也许有一个月的出入已经有...
give or take a month, it's been about...
五年了
five years.
老天不会吧
Oh, baby, no.
-真没想到 -我的天
- Dang! - Oh, my God.
你们说这里是安全地带
You guys said that this was a safe space.
没这么安全
Not that safe.
你知道吗你需要一个约会
You know, what you need is a date.
波比
Poppy?
搞定我已经给你注册了相亲账号♥
There. I made you a Tinder account.
你怎么那是我的头按在了普♥京♥的身子上吗
How did you -- Is that my face on Putin's body?
要做就做的彻底威尔
Pushing you into the deep end, Will.
我们就是这么办事的
That's how we do this.
老实说现在时机不太合适
If I'm being honest, the timing's not great.
离圣诞节只有120天了
It's 120 days till Christmas --
你是打算藏在那些签到表后面
Are you gonna hide behind that sign-up sheet
还是让我往右划[表示对对方感兴趣]
or am I swiping right?
我还有班主任的职责
I've got Room Parent responsibilities --
-来嘛划划 -我也没想贡献什么
- Come on! Swipe! Swipe! - I have no investment either way.
我从没做过这样的事好吗
I've never done something like this before, okay?
你猜怎么着来吧
You know what? Do it.
往左划
Swipe left!
是往右划
It's "Swipe right."
往右划你刚说过抱歉
It's "Swipe right," and you just said that. Sorry.
好了艾玛艾米
Okay, okay, okay. We got Emma, we got Amy,
罗里给雷厄姆你是谁
we got Rory, we got Graham. Who are you?
走错车了孩子走开快点
Wrong van, kid. Get out of here. Beat it.
安吉昨天见过的威尔·库珀
Angie! Hey! Will Cooper from yesterday.
今天是约会之夜
So, tonight's date night.
记住真正的男人会买♥♥单
Remember, a real man pays for dinner.
真的吗我不太知道2018年的标准
Is that true? I mean, I don't know by 2018's standards --
威尔我带着满腔的
Will, I say this with an open heart
爱意对你说
and nothing but love --
-你是个灾难 -满嘴大道理
- you're a disaster. - Preach.
我不知道自己是不是个灾难
Yeah, I don't know if I'm a disaster.
没错我有些焦虑症
I mean, yes, I'm experiencing some anxiety,
但这很正常好吗而且我
but that's normal, okay? And I'm just --
威尔我没时间听你说这些
Will. I don't have time for this.
我们给你撮合了一个约会
We got you the date,
现在我要帮其他人看孩子了
and now I have to babysit everyone else's kids
这样我周六晚上就能喝罐装香槟
so I can have a Saturday night to drink champagne out of a can
并看一部鸟类纪录片了
and watch a bird documentary.
好的因为我过来是想说
Okay, 'cause I was actually coming over to say
如果你愿意今天我可以看孩子
I could babysit today if you want --
我们15分钟内到你家
We'll be there in 15 minutes.
酷
Oh, cool.
你为什么带着你家孩子来排队买♥♥鞋
Yo, why did you bring your baby to the sneaker line?
因为天下没有免费的保姆
'Cause free babysitting doesn't just fall out of the sky.
太棒了免费保姆
Oh, snap! Free babysitting!
好我马上回来
All right, yo, hey. Be right back.
等等好了
Wait -- ‭Okay.
我马上回来给我占位置
I -- Imma come back. Hold my spot.
回来时没有孩子只有我
I -- I'll be back without the baby. Just me.
帮我留着这个位置
Hold my spot!
欢迎大伙儿我是威尔·库珀
Welcome, dudes! Will Cooper!
想到我房♥间里玩吗
Do you guys want to go play in my room?
主题是高雅独角兽
The theme is "Tasteful unicorn."
太感谢了我们用不了多久就回来
Thanks a lot. We'll be back in a few.
我的个天
Good God.
-这就是仙境 -椅子全都是懒人沙发
- This place is a wonderland. - Every chair is a beanbag.
全都是懒人沙发
There's no chair that isn't a beanbag.
所有的椅子里都有豆子
All chairs currently have beans.
室内蹦床
Indoor trampoline?
下雨的时候他们也可以玩蹦床了
So they can bounce when it's raining.
威尔坐下
Will, sit down.
你今晚穿什么去约会
What are you gonna wear on your date tonight?
-这身 -我天
- This? - Oh, God.
你认真的
Oh, you're serious.
或者或者
Or -- Or...
我的确还有另一个选择
...I do have another option.
短裤
Shorts!
你的裤子把我孩子都吓哭了哥们
Y-Your pants are making my baby cry, man!
快让他停下来快停下来
Make it stop. Make it all stop.
好了我知道我知道
Here. Oh. I know. I know.
晃一晃蹲一蹲停一停
Rock, squat, pause.
晃一晃蹲一蹲停一停
Rock, squat, pause.