牧场趣事（2016）

The Ranch S01E16

Part 1 June 24, 2021, 11:23 a.m.

Colt 还有Rooster
Colt! Rooster!
你们起床了吗？
You up yet?
我该拿这些免费啤酒怎么办
Whatever will I do with all this free beer?
这都叫不起来那就没办法了
If that doesn't work, nothing will.
嘿早上好老爸
Hey. Mornin', Dad.
早上好老爸
Mornin', Daddy.
别告诉我你们刚喝酒回来
Don't tell me you guys are just getting in from drinking.
不我们早起是为了喂牛
No, we got up early so we could feed the cows,
然后我们就能集中注意力让牛群受孕
so we could focus on inseminating the herd.
因为我们是有责任心的成年人
'Cause we are responsible adults.
没错现在轮到公牛的精♥子♥上场
That's right. Now, bring on the bull jizz.
你们准备好矿物质了
You put some mineral out?
对
Yep.
从冰柜里取了冰没 - 取了
Got the ice off the tanks? - Yes, sir.
检查了管子和泵吗
Check the pipe and the pump?
嗯甚至按你的喜好给早报排了序
Yep. Even put the morning paper in the order you like it.
运动版天气版政♥治♥版
Sports, weather, politics.
拿掉了意见部分
Threw out the opinion section,
因为我们知道你完全不在乎别人的看法
because we know you don't give a shit about nobody else's.
好了我们要去牛棚了
All right, we're headed out to the barn.
看起来你没什么要呵斥我们的
Looks like there's nothing for you to yell at us about.
抱歉夺走了你一项真正的乐趣
Sorry to rob you of your one true joy.
这感觉是挺诡异的
It is an odd feeling.
好了祝你早晨愉快老爸
All right. Have a good morning, Pa.
你们也是 - 再见(西班牙语)
You, too. - Adios.
嘿小笨蛋们你们把咖啡喝完了
Hey, dumbshits! You drank all the coffee!
这感觉好多了
That feels better.
我他妈还倒这个干什么
Why in the hell am I pouring this?
兄弟太奇怪了
Man, this is weird.
我的本能让我远离怀孕这件事
My natural instinct's to keep things from getting pregnant.
是吗你也很擅长这个
Yeah. You're good at it, too...
你从来没啪啪啪过
what with you never getting laid and all.
这次可是大事
You know, this is a big deal.
如果我们做得好
If we do a good job with these cows,
老爸就会给我们更多的事情做
Dad'll give us a shit ton more to do.
很对等等
Hell yeah! Wait...
你想要更多的事情做 - 没错
Do we want a shit ton more to do? - Hell yeah.
证明给老爸看我们知道自己在做什么
Prove to Dad we know what we're doing...
或许他会让我买♥♥更多的地扩大牛群
maybe he'll let us buy more land, you know, expand the herd.
我们甚至可以拓展业务
Hell, we could even branch out,
开个观光牧场
you know, open up a dude ranch.
唯一的规矩就是男人禁入
Where the only rule is... no dudes.
嘿授孕之后我们会得到几头牛
Hey, how many we gotta get pregnant?
整个过程要花大约三个月
Well, the whole process takes about three months.
所以如果每次能成功三分之一我们就能有个牛群了
So... if we get a third each time, we got a herd.
嘿如果我们第一次就让它们都怀孕会怎么样
Hey, what if we get 'em all pregnant the first time?
呵呵如果我们发现老Mable的乳♥房♥♥开始产出银子弹啤酒会怎样
Yeah, what if we found out old Mable shot Coors Light out of her udder?
哈哈但是如果我们做到了呢
Yeah. But what if we did?
那老爸就会过来让我们沐浴在拥抱和爱意中
Man, Dad would come down here and shower us with hugs and love,
带我们去橄榄花♥园♥餐厅
take us to the Olive Garden.
他的认可和长棍面包都会源源不断
Both his approval and the bread sticks will be endless.
听着
Look...
我们就好好工作然后去酒吧喝醉
Let's just do a good job, go to the bar and get drunk,
然后就可以谈论我们做了多么棒的事情了
so we can talk about what a good job we did.
实际上今晚去不了酒吧
Actually, can't go to the bar tonight.
哦对我也去不了
Oh, yeah, me neither.
我们应该待在家看书这笑话真好笑
We should stay home and read books. That's a good one.
我要和Abby出去
Going out with Abby.
现在既然她和Kenny分了手
Now that her and Kenny are broke up,
要和她约第一次正式的约会
taking her on our first official date.
我已经等这等了15年了
Oh, man, I've been waiting 15 years for this.
超级兴奋
Pretty excited.
同时我也超级深陷在这头牛的屁♥股♥里
I'm also pretty deep in this cow's ass right now.
嘿你知道你该做什么吗
Hey, you know what you should do?
你该拿一个礼服套套
You should get one of those tuxedo condoms,
戴在鸡鸡上拍个照发给她说
put it on your junk, take a picture and send it to her, and say,
"我已经盛装准备赴约了"
"I'm all dressed up and ready for our date."
你知道我之前在说你为何一直没有啪啪啪
You know, I was talking about how you never get laid?
他妈的看起来这就是原因啊
Shit like that's the reason why.
还有一个套套像匹诺曹的鼻子
Also got one that looks like Pinocchio's nose.
把它套在鸡鸡上然后开始说谎
Throw it on your junk, just start lying.
准备好了让我营造一下气氛
All right. We're ready. Let me just set the mood.
又来兄弟我们真的每次都要这样吗
Oh, come on, man. We gotta do this every time?
对啊这让它们放松
Yeah. It relaxes 'em.
好吧 Mable 你是个公主
All right, Mable. You are a princess.
让我们放个牛宝宝在你体内我保证我会多吃鸡肉的
Let us put a baby inside you, I promise, I will eat more chicken.
走你温柔点慢慢来
Here we go. Nice and easy.
*我希望你能明白*
*I hope you understand*
*我已经思慕你整整一天*
*I have been thinking about this all day long*
*从来没有如此强烈的感觉*
*Never felt a feeling that was quite this strong*
*我不敢相信你让我如此着迷*
*I can't believe how much it turns me on*
*只想做你的男人*
*Just be your man*
就算牧场经营不下去的话
You know, the ranching doesn't work out,
你们还能毁掉你们的歌♥唱事业
you always got your singing career to be bad at.
老爸最好记下Mable的农民约会网简介
Dad, better take down Mable's Farmers Only profile,
因为她正和Rooster的手
'cause she is currently in a relationship...
处在一段恋爱关系中
with Rooster's hand.
你们把样本吸管加热了多久
How long did you warm the sample straw?
四十秒
Forty seconds.
应该加热四十五秒
Supposed to be 45.
好的
Okay.
你的输精枪是40度角进去的吗
Did you have the gun at a 40-degree angle?
当然老爸都看你做了一千遍了
Of course, Dad. Seen you do this 1,000 times.
我知道该怎么做
I know what I'm doing.
看和做是两码事
You know, watching and doing are two different things.
这大概就是你把东西全都放错位置的原因
Probably why you got everything in the wrong place.
精♥液♥已经进阴♥道♥里了
The semen is inside the vagina.
就是啊老爸你现在是在吹毛求疵
Yeah, Dad, you're nitpicking now.
"吹毛求疵" - 对啊
"Nitpicking"? - Yeah.
如果你伸进去的时候角度错了
If you go in there at the wrong angle
然后放在了一个盲点
and deposit in a blind spot,
牛就不会受精
this cow is not gonna take.
如果这头牛不受精我们就没有小牛
And if this cow doesn't take, we don't have a calf.
就没有小牛拿去卖♥♥
We don't have a calf to sell.
我怎样才能让你们产生共鸣
How do I make this resonate?
你会没钱买♥♥啤酒
You got no more beer money.
你会没有钱买♥♥让你闻起来像丁香花的鬼东西
You got no more money for whatever it is that makes you smell like lilacs.
老爸我们明白的
Dad, we got this.
是吗今天早上你们完成了几头
Yeah? How many you get done this morning?
老Mable是第三头
Old Mable here's number three.
三头
Did three.
在这儿待了一早上你们就完成了三头
Been at this all morning, you only done three?
还有你们他妈的为什么要给牛取名字
And why in the fuck are you naming the cows?
听着我们在慢慢来啊
Look. We're taking our time,
动作慢一点确保我们把事情做对了行不
we're going slow, we make sure we get it right, okay?
今天就只剩三头要搞了我们可以的
We only got three more to do today, we're fine.
我刚发现还有另外四头在发♥情♥期
I just found four more in estrus.
所以你们今天得搞定十头
So, you've got to get through ten today.
好的没问题所以我们今天要搞定十头
Okay, no problem. So we got ten to do today.
我们搞得定
We're good.
你们不需要任何帮助吗
You don't need any help?
不用老爸我们搞得定
No, Dad, we're good.
好吧你们慢慢干
All right. You got this.
尽力而为就行了我爱你
Just do your best. I love you.
哇哦 - 谢谢老爸
Whoa. - Thanks, Dad.
我在跟老Mable说话
I was talking to old Mable.
你这儿开始有现场音乐了
You started having live music?
哦这是我在周五晚上尝试的新东西
Oh, it's a new thing I've been trying on Friday nights...
试了大概有八年了
for about eight years.
我的天哪
Good Lord!