好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S07E13
Part 2
Nov. 18, 2020, 5:01 p.m.
Oh right you've done this before.
对 你以前做过一次结肠镜
It seemed funnier then.
还是那时感觉好玩点
I gotta tell ya it seems pretty funny now.
我得说 现在才好玩
Why don't you just tell chelsea the truth?
何不直接跟切尔西说实话
What that i'd rather get violated by a long metal tube
说我宁愿被一条长金属电子管蹂躏
Than spend time with her folks?
也不愿见她爸妈么
Somehow i don't see her taking that
有时 我觉得她无法领会
In the spirit in which it was intended.
我的话外之音
True true.
确实
Well i've said it before
虽然我当初说过
And i think i need to say it again.
但我觉得有必要再说一遍
Good plan.
妙计啊
Why isn't uncle charlie eating?
查理舅舅怎么不吃饭
He has to fast before he goes to the doctor's tomorrow.
明天看医生前 他得禁食
Is he okay?
他没事吧
Oh yeah.
没什么
He's just getting a routine test.
只是做常规检查
They're taking a look at his intestines.
看一下他的肠道
How do they do that?
怎么看
Well what they do is they take a tiny camera
他们把一个小摄像头
And put it on the end of a tube...
装到一条管子头上
Why don't we eat first?
吃完饭再说吧
Good idea.
好主意
Well i'm happy to report
很高兴告诉各位
I just saw a piece of hubba bubba
我五年级吞下的一块泡泡糖
I swallowed in fifth grade.
刚刚重现眼前
Oh for god's sake charlie we're having dinner.
老天爷 查理 我们正吃饭呢
Don't rub it in.
别哪壶不开提哪壶
Speaking of which i'm out of baby wipes.
对了 我的婴儿湿巾没了
I bought you two boxes of baby wipes.
我才给你买♥♥了两盒呢
What can i tell you?
我能说什么
Babies don't crap like this.
婴儿会拉成我这样吗
At least not healthy babies.
起码健康婴儿不会
There's a jar of aloe vera under the sink.
水槽下面有瓶芦荟膏
What am i supposed to do with that?
那个怎么用
Oh you put a little glob
你得挤一点
On the end of your finger... alan!
在指尖上 艾伦
It's cooling and soothing.
镇静止痛的
Oh good good.
太好了
'cause let me tell you--
我告诉你
You could roast a marsh mallow on my anus.
我的屁♥眼♥烫得能烤棉花糖了
You know what'd be good for dessert?
你们知道甜点应该吃什么吗
S'mores.
棉花糖夹心饼
How come i'm not loaded?
我怎么还没被麻醉
They're supposed to get me loaded
他们检查前
Before they do it right?
应该先把我麻醉吧
Yes. they'll hook you up to an iv
对 他们在检查前
Right before the procedure.
会给你静脉注射
All right just so we're all on the same page
好 只要大家都一致明白
I want to be stone-cold out before anything goes in.
我得没知觉了才能让东西进去
I'll tell them.
我会告诉他们
All i get is a glass of wine and a "pretty please."
我只有一杯酒和一句"非常满意"
All right mr. harper we're ready.
好了 哈勃先生 准备好了
Did you bring the drugs with you? oh no sir.
你带了麻药么 没有
The anesthesiologist takes care of that.
麻醉师会搞定这个
Good luck. thanks.
祝你好运 谢谢
By the way since we couldn't make it to illinois
对了 既然我们不能去伊利诺斯
I'm flying my parents in to stay with us for a week.
我让爸妈坐飞机过来住一周
What?
什么
Enjoy your colonoscopy you lying dirtbag.
好好享受结肠镜吧 你个混♥蛋♥骗子
You knew?
你已经知道了
I knew.
早就知道了
I'll give you $1 000 to push me to the parking lot.
我给你一千大洋推我去停车场
How are you feeling?
感觉怎样
Like a new fish at leavenworth.
像个莱文沃斯监狱的新囚犯
Oh don't be so dramatic.
少夸张了
Good news is you have a clean bill of health.
好消息是 你有张无疫证明了
Yes but i lost my watertight seal.
话虽如此 可我却肛节不保
Yes but you have peace of mind.
但起码内心平静了
Yes but now i can't wear white at our wedding.
可我在婚礼时就不能穿纯洁白装了
Yay no polyps!
耶 没有息肉
Way to go uncle charlie.
恭喜 查理舅舅
Now you know how it feels.
自作自受了吧
Thanks for calling ahead.
多亏你提前通知他们
There's the happy couple.
幸福的一对回来了
Welcome home.
欢迎回家
Charlie you remember my mother martha.
查理 你见过我妈 玛莎
And this is my father tom.
这是我爸 汤姆
Good to see you again.
很高兴又见面了
You too.
我也是
Nice to finally meet you charlie.
闻名不如见面 查理
nice to meet you.
久仰久仰
Uh not much of a grip.
握力不大啊
But you're probably a little weak from your anal probe.
可能刚做完肠镜有点虚弱
Didn't make me stronger.
做肠镜没让我变强壮
Isn't this great charlie
多奇妙啊 查理
Because you couldn't go see them chelsea's folks
因为你不能去看他们
Dropped everything to come spend time with you.
切尔西父母放下一切来看你
Yeah. it's great.
是很奇妙
Isn't it funny how plans work out?
妙计的结果很有趣吧
Hey i found some steaks in the freezer.
我在冰箱看到有牛排
Thought we'd have a little barbecue.
我们就做烧烤吃吧
Oh dad he has to eat light for a while.
爸爸 他这段时间得吃清淡的
Oh please.
拜托
He's been treated like a girl enough today.
他今天被当成小妞蹂躏得够久了
He's not wrong.
他说得没错
I'm never wrong about what a man needs.
我从来不会弄错男人的需求
Good golly.
老天
What's that fruity smell coming from your head?
你头上怎么有股娘娘腔的味道
It's an apricot conditioner.
是杏香保湿剂
It keeps my hair from getting frizzy
能让我的头发不起卷
With all the humidity.
并保湿
Oh we need to get some meat in you pronto.
我们得马上给你灌点肉 老兄
Tom's always on guard against the homosexual agenda.
汤姆总是很提防同性恋的
No offense.
无意冒犯
You're a great cook Tom.
汤姆 你厨艺不错
Well I always say a man's gotta be self-sufficient.
我总是说男人要靠自己
I agree.
我同意
All I need is booze satellite tv and a housekeeper
只需要酒 卫♥星♥电♥视♥和一个管家
And I could survive in a cave.
我就能在洞穴里活下来
You know if it were air-conditioned.
当然 前提是必须有空调
I gotta ask you something Charlie.
我有事问你 查理
Okay I admit it.
好吧 我承认
I slept with your daughter.
我睡了你女儿
But don't worry
但别担心
I'm still going to marry her.
我还是会娶她的
Damn straight you are.
你真够直接的
Which brings me to my question.
还是先来回答我的问题
When a man gets to be your age and he's never married
当一个男人到你这样的岁数却从没结过婚
It's usually for one of two reasons. one...
原因通常有二 一
He's really lucky.
他真的很幸运
You're right not funny go on.
你是对的 不好笑 继续
What I'm tryin' to say is
我想说的是
When a man gets to be 40 and he isn't married
当一个男人四十岁了却未婚
He's either a rascal or a poof.
他不是流氓就是同志
Interesting.
真有趣
So? So what?
那么 怎样
So which one are you?
你是哪个
Uh... actually there's a third choice.
实际上 还有第三种选择
What's that?
是什么
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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