好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S11E01
Part 1
Nov. 18, 2020, 5:14 p.m.
Tell me, Henry,
亨利 跟我说说
why do you want to be Mr. Schmidt's assistant?
你为什么想成为施密特先生的助理
He's my hero.
他是我的英雄
I know everything about him.
我知道有关他的一切
"Possible stalker."
"极可能成为跟踪粉"
And why do you think you're qualified?
你凭什么觉得你能胜任这份工作
Like him, I graduated high school at 16.
我跟他一样 16岁就高中毕业
Then I completed the four-year computer science program
哈佛四年的计算机科学本科学位
at Harvard in just under two years,
我只花两年就完成了
during which, I founded an Internet startup,
中间我还创立了一家网络公♥司♥
and I'm currently two semesters shy of my law degree.
目前只差两学期就能拿到法学学位了
So, "No law degree."
所以就是"没有法学学位"
Let me tell you a few things
让我告诉你几件
about Walden Schmidt you may not know.
你所不知道的沃顿·施密特事情
Uh, the man is a genius. I knew that.
他是一个天才 我知道
"Likes to interrupt."
"喜欢打断别人"
He thinks in a different way than the rest of us.
他与我们其他人的思考模式完全不同
His mind is always working.
他的大脑一刻都不停息
Every time he opens his mouth,
每当他开口说话
it's because he has something important to say.
都是因为他有重要的话要说
Love the new toilet paper you bought, Alan.
爱死了你买♥♥的新厕纸了 艾伦
It's like sliding down a rainbow.
就像是越过天际的彩虹
Except the pot at the end doesn't have any gold in it.
除了彩虹的尽头里的筒[锅]里没有金子
When you hear something this good,
当你听到这样的金玉良言时
you should write it down.
赶紧拿笔记下啊
I'm sorry. Who's this?
抱歉 这是谁啊
Oh, this is, uh, Henry Johnson.
他... 他是亨利·强森
He's interviewing for the assistant job.
他来为助理的职位做面试
Uh, assistant job?
什么助理职位
Hi, Mr. Schmidt.
你好 施密特先生
It's such an honor...
我深感荣幸能...
Eye contact.
不能有眼神接触
It's okay, Henry.
没事的 亨利
Alan, can I talk to you for a second.
艾伦 我能跟你聊两句吗
Uh, no problem, Mr. Schmidt.
没问题 施密特先生
Tie? Really.
你还打领结 不是吧
Not looking good, Hank.
看起来不太行啊 小亨亨
What's up?
怎么了
Why are you interviewing Henry to be my assistant
为什么你面试他来当我的助理
when I just hired you to be my assistant?
我不是才请你来当我助理吗
Oh, no, no, he's interviewing to be my assistant.
不不不 他是来面试当我助理
Your assistant?
你的助理吗
Well, intern, actually.
其实是实习助理
He's not gonna cost us a penny,
请他完全不用花我们钱
and he's gonna do all the menial stuff I don't want to do.
他还会帮我做所有我不想做的活儿
Well, why don't I just hire him for free
那我何不直接免费请他
and cut out the middle man?
然后把你这个中间人给踢走
And in case I'm going too fast,
以防你没听懂
you're the middle man.
我是说你就是这中间人
But I'm the big picture guy.
我是负责大方向的人啊
See, bringing Henry on to Team Schmidt...
你看 把亨利带进咱这施密特团队...
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Team Schmidt?
什么 什么施密特团队
Yeah, I'm gonna get hats and shirts made.
我还打算去做标语的帽子跟衣服呢
Well, Henry is.
这个亨利会去打点的
We're gonna have a new slogan.
我们会有个新标语
"No bull-Schmidt."
不放狗"施"
"Schmidt happens."
"施"事难料
You're a Schmidt head.
你就是个"施"屁精
I hired you to be my assistant to help you out financially
我请你当我的助理 是帮你解决经济难关
'cause you had close your chiropractic office.
因为你的整脊诊所得关闭
I didn't have to close it; I'm in a rent dispute.
我那也不是倒闭 只是欠房♥租而已
People in rent disputes don't fake their own death.
普通欠房♥租的人不会用装死来逃债
Oh, I'll get that.
我去开门吧
You are looking good today, boss.
老板 你今天看起来很犀利哦
That's why he got good toilet paper.
难怪他买♥♥上好的厕纸了
So my ass is clean while he's kissing it.
这样他在拍马屁时 我屁♥股♥很干净
Huh, my 12:00 must be early.
预约12点面试的人早到了
Someone who really wanted this job
真的很想要这份工作的人
would've taken the initiative.
就会花这个心思
Too late, Harvard.
太迟了 哈佛仔
Hello.
你好
Hi. You Alan Harper?
你好 你是艾伦·哈勃吗
Yes, I am. And, uh, and you are...?
我是 那请问你是...
Your niece.
你侄女
Eurniece?
你叫妮芝女吗
That's a... that's a pretty name.
这名字很美啊
Is that Dutch?
是荷兰名字吗
No, I'm Jenny.
不 我叫珍妮
I'm your brother Charlie's daughter.
我是你哥哥查理的女儿
Uh, Henry? Yes?
亨利 在呢
Catch me.
扶着我
I'm sorry, did-did you say that you're... Charlie's daughter?
抱歉 你说... 你说你是查理的女儿吗
Yeah.
是啊
Listen, I got a wicked hangover.
我现在还有严重宿醉
You got any aspirin, ibuprofen,
有阿司匹林 布洛芬
rum, Scotch, tequila, vodka?
朗姆酒 威士忌 龙舌兰 或伏特加吗
Uh, yeah, yeah, come on in.
有啊 进来吧
Uh, Henry, uh, get her an aspirin and vodka.
亨利 帮她拿阿司匹林与伏特加来
On it!
现在就去
Kitchen's that way. Damn it!
厨房♥在那边 靠
I-I can't believe this.
我真是不敢相信
I mean, I can, but I-I can't.
其实我可以想象到 但又没想到
I mean, how did this happen?
怎么会这样呢
From what my mom told me...
我妈跟我说的是
Ooh, can we... can we maybe turn down the lights?
我们可以先把灯关暗一点吗
That's the sun.
那是太阳
Right, I hate the sun.
好吧 我恨太阳
It's like God calling you an alcoholic.
感觉像是上帝在叫你酒鬼[宿醉怕光]
Anyway, according to my mom,
据我妈所说
it was love at first sight.
他们是一见钟情
They met in a bar,
在酒吧里碰面
they got drunk and had sex in the bathroom.
喝醉酒 然后在厕所里打了一炮
It was like a freakin' Disney movie.
就跟迪士尼电影一样梦幻
Poke-a-hot-ass.
宝嘉康蒂[捅她屁屁]
And where did the kid go for the vodka? Poland?
他是去哪里拿我的伏特加啦 波兰吗
Look, I don't mean to be rude,
我无意冒犯
but how do I know that you're really Charlie's daughter?
但我们怎么能确定你是查理的女儿呢
I mean, this could be some kind of scam.
你也有可能是骗子啊
I have a picture of us together.
我有一张我们的合照
It's in here somewhere.
就在我手♥机♥里
Oh, look.
看
My vagina.
我的阴♥道♥
Oh, wait, that's not mine.
等等 那不是我的
Oh, that's mine.
这个才是我的
Ah, there you go.
你看
This was taken at my fourth birthday party.
这是我四岁生日派对上拍的
Just a heads up, I might vomit;
先说一声 我可能会吐
where's the nearest bathroom?
最近的厕所在哪
Oh, right down the hall.
走廊走到底
Okay, I think we're good,
好吧 暂时没事
but it's always nice to have a plan.
但先知道总是比较好
Anyway, this was party was the last time I saw him.
那一次派对是我最后一次见到他
After that, he just sent checks.
在那之后 他就只寄支票而已了
He-he sent checks?
他还寄支票啊
Yeah, my mom didn't want him to have anything to do with me,
对啊 我妈不想他跟我有任何接触
but he always made sure I was taken care of.
但他一直都确保我有被妥善照顾
He never said a word about any of this to me.
他从来没跟我说过这些事啊
I'm his brother, his-his blood.
我是他弟弟 留着同样的血
Were they big checks?
支票数额大吗
Yeah, got one every month.
对啊 还每个月都寄呢
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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