好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S03E01
Part 1
Nov. 17, 2020, 12:13 p.m.
I'm sure she's a lovely girl, Mom.
我相信她是个美丽的女孩 妈
but I have a strict policy against blind dates.
但对于相亲 我有我的原则
Yes, I know I'm not God's gift to women,
是 我知道对女人来说 我不是上帝的恩赐
but, nevertheless...
不过还是算了...
Oh, come on. How do you know what she can suck through a garden hose?
拜托 你怎么知道她能用软胶水管 吸出什么东西来?
Doesn't matter. The policy stands.
那不重要 我坚持我的原则
Okay, bye.
好 拜
You know, while I applaud your blind date policy,
你知道吗 在我为你的坚持喝采的同时
I would encourage you to consider a garden hose exemption.
我也会鼓励你别考虑"软胶水管"那招
I'm sorry, but you remember the last time I let Mom fix me up.
抱歉 但你应该还记得u3000 上次妈帮我安排的那位
Oh, yeah. The enema freak.
哦 没错 那个灌肠爱好者
She was a colonic irrigation therapist.
她是大肠水疗的医师
Tomato, tomahto...
还不是一样...
You still wound up with five gallons of coffee up your keister.
你还在对屁♥股♥被灌进五加仑咖啡 那件事感到很受伤?
Not a pleasant memory.
不是什么愉快的回忆
I can't remember it without chuckling.
我每次一想到就想偷笑
These days, they'll open a Starbucks anywhere.
难怪最近到处都有星巴克...
Are you done?
你说够了没?
No, wait. One more.
还没 等一下 还有一个
You had the venti nonfat "crappuccino"...
你点了特大杯零脂肪的 "屎布奇诺"
...with extra foam.
上面还有额外的泡沫
Okay, I'm done.
好了 我说完了
So what's wrong with the TV?
电视怎么了?
I don't know.
我不知道
I think that storm last night messed up the satellite dish.
应该是昨晚的暴风雨把天线吹歪了
I'll call the guy on Monday.
我星期一再打电♥话♥找人来修理
That's your answer for everything.
这就是你处理每件事的态度
"Call the guy."
"打电♥话♥找人"?
Not for everything.
也不是每件事
Often I, call the girl.
通常我打电♥话♥都是找女孩来
Of course, there was the one time that the girl turned out to be the guy.
当然有一次我找来的女孩 衣服一脱才发现是男的
Needless to say, I got a full cash refund.
不用说他们赔了我很多钱
Well, you don't have to call the guy this time.
这次你不需要打电♥话♥
You just have to adjust the dish till the signal clears up.
你只要调整一下天线让讯号♥清析就好了
Which is what the guy will do on Monday.
而这就是那个人星期一会做的事
But Jake is coming tonight.
但杰克今晚会来
Do you really want to listen to him complain about the TV all weekend?
你想听他整个周末抱怨电视坏掉吗?
I can deal with Jake.
杰克还很好应付
It's your whining that makes me want to hang myself.
但听你抱怨会让我想上吊自杀
Come on. Help me get the ladder.
来吧 帮我拿梯子
I'll go up on the roof, and we'll fix it in five minutes.
我要到屋顶去 然后５分钟内搞定
I have a ladder?
我有梯子?
How did I get a ladder?
我怎么会有梯子?
For the life of me, I can't remember buying a ladder.
我怎么想也不记得我有买♥♥过梯子
Well, apparently, you did.
很明显的 你有买♥♥
But why? And how did I get it home?
但是为什么? 我又是怎么把它搬进来的?
I really couldn't tell you.
我真的不知道
Did I rent a truck?
我租了台卡车吗?
Who knows?
天晓得
I'm telling you, we got a real mystery on our hands.
我得告诉你 我们家发生了神秘事件
Yeah. It's a puzzler.
是啊 还真是个谜
I'm going to go up and adjust the dish,
我上去调整天线
and you go look at the TV
你去看电视
and tell me when the picture improves.
然后画面有改善就告诉我
All right.
好的
I still think we should call the guy.
我还是觉得我们应该打电♥话♥找人来
Forget the guy!
别再提那个人
I'm the guy!
我就是那个人
Charlie!
查理
Yeah?!
干嘛?
There's a pair of panties up here.
屋顶上有男女内♥裤♥各一件
Of course. The ladder.
对喔 所以有梯子...
Alan, mystery solved!
艾伦 谜题解开了
What?
什么?
Never mind. Focus on the job at hand.
没什么 专心做你的事
Are you watching the TV?
你在看电视吗?
Yes.
是的
How's it look now?
现在如何?
It's a little better.
有一点改善
How about now?
那现在呢?
No. That's worse.
变更差了
Move it the other way.
换个角度看看
What?
什么?
I said, move it the other way!
我说 换个角度看看
There, there, there! That's perfect!
好了 好了 好了 这样可以了
What?!
什么?
I said, that's perfect!
我说 这样可以了
Great! I'm coming down!
太好了 我要下来了
Did you say something?
你刚有讲什么吗?
I told you. We should have called the guy.
我就说吧 我们应该打电♥话♥找人来
You want to flip me the bird, but the poor little fella can't fly.
你想对我比中指 但那可怜的小家伙举不起来
Just help me lie down.
先让我躺下来
There is a bright side here, you know.
其实你也可以往好处想 你知道
Oh, really? Really? And what might the bright side be?
喔 真的吗? 真的吗? 能有什么好处?
Handicapped parking?
残障车位?
Pity sex?
同情的性♥爱♥?
Oh, I can see there's going to be no talking to you about this.
我能了解你现在不想谈这些
Do me a favor, and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.
帮个忙 打电♥话♥给茱蒂丝 告诉她别带杰克来了
How come?
为什么?
Look at me, Charlie.
看看我 查理
I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck,
我有擦伤 挫伤 脖子严重扭伤
two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills.
两根手指骨折 而且我吃了止痛药后会兴奋
Does that spell "Weekend Dad" to you?
你觉得我这样像是 "周末陪小孩的爹"吗?
Well, actually, to me, it spells :
呃 事实上 对我来说 比较像是
"Weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts."
"周末与两位奥♥运♥体操选手游曼谷"
But that's a whole other story.
不过那事另一件事了
Look, I got no plans for the weekend. I could take care of Jake.
听我说 我这个周末没什么计划 我可以照顾杰克
Bangkok?
曼谷?
It was the '80s.
80年代的事了
A simpler time.
单纯的时光
The dollar was strong.
那时美金非常强势
I was kind of looking forward to hanging out with the little knucklehead.
我有点想和那个小白♥痴♥一起混
Let him come over.
让他来吧
But I'm not going to be able to help you.
但我没有办法帮你
What are you going to do all weekend?
你整个周末要干嘛?
I don't know. Hey, maybe I'll get a chute.
我不知道 有了 我可以买♥♥个滑坡道
We could play chutes and ladders.
然后就可以玩"滑坡与阶梯"
See, that's why I want Jake here. He has a sense of humor.
看吧 这就是为什么杰克要来 他比较有幽默感
All right. If... if you think you can handle it.
好吧 如果... 如果你认为你能处理
Don't worry. I got everything covered.
别担心 一切包在我身上
Thank you. You're welcome.
谢谢 不客气
Is there anything I can do for you now?
现在有什么需要帮忙的吗?
Well,
呃
I got to pee.
我想尿尿
Yeah. So?
恩 然后咧?
So I can't undo my pants or...
然后我没办法解开裤子或...
anything.
什么也不能做
Where are we headed with this, Alan?
你到底想说什么 艾伦?
You said you'd help me.
你说你会帮我
I was thinking more like I could make you a sandwich.
我的意思是帮你做个三明治什么的
Charlie...
查理...
I am not reaching into your pants.
我才不要把手伸进你的裤档里
What am I supposed to do?
那你要我怎么办?
Go stand in the surf.
到海浪里面解决
Oh, come on. Grow up.
拜托 成熟点
Where are you going?
你要去哪?
To the bathroom. Now, come on and unzip me.
去厕所 快来帮我解开拉链
Just like that? Right to it?
就这样? u3000直接上了?
No dinner? No movie?
不用烛光晚餐? u3000不先看场电影?
Charlie!
查理
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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