女子监狱

Orange Is the New Black S06E06

Part 7 Feb. 7, 2020, 12:33 p.m.

一坨屎
The shit!
我可以把这个写进我们的婚誓吗
Can I write this into our vows?
亚历克斯·沃斯你愿意嫁给派珀·查普曼
"Do you, Alex Vause, take this woman, Piper Chapman,
无论她会遇到什么样的屎都与她荣辱与共吗
to have and to hold through whatever literal shit she encounters?"
我想说
Aw. I mean...
你知道你愿意的
You know you do.
我说你愿意不是吗
I mean, you do, don't you?
我愿意我当然愿意
I do. I doo-doo.
但这不好笑
But this isn't funny.
有人把屎放在
I just got shat on...
因为我不愿意往其他人衣服上拉屎
because I wouldn't shit on somebody else.
然后我赢得了生活伴侣
Then I'm winning at life partner.
一切都会好起来的
And it's gonna be okay.
这真是糟糕的一天的完美结局
This is the perfect end to a sucky day.
让一个陌生男子来检查我还未修饰过的小贝壳
Having a strange man check out my unscaped, ungroomed conchita.
小贝壳
"Conchita!"
你们管下面叫小贝壳吗
That's what you call your party room?
说真的我下面的阴毛好长
For real. My poozy hair is so long down there,
感觉上面就像睡了个长毛伍基人
it's like I got a Wookiee sleeping on it.
我的倒是不长
Mine ain't like that.
我的阴毛多半是横向生长
The muffro takes more of a horizontal approach.
我是说现在我的阴毛很短
I mean, I'm basically wearing a pubic short right now.
自然卷曲的短毛
A 4C pubic short.
医生会说
Doc gonna be like...
该死在哪儿呢
"Damn! Where it at?"
我就会说
I'm gonna be, like,
再见先生祝你一路平安
"Good day, sir. My best to you on your journey!
小心你的牙齿
Watch out for teeth!"
留下点儿面包屑这样你才能找到出去的路
"Leave some breadcrumbs, so you can find your way on out!"
坐还是我该说屎麦迪逊
Sit. Or should I say, "Shit," Madison?
看来你听说了
So you heard.
那样能教教你的姐妹和D区那些婊♥子♥
That'll teach your sister and those D-Block whores.
干♥她♥们爹的敢搅黄我们的工作
Fuck them, fucking with our jobs.
她们想开战那我就奉陪到底
They want a war, I'll give 'em a war.
芭芭拉和她的女同小队夺走了我们所有的生意
Barbara and her dyke squad tanked our entire business.
你以为随便撇个粪就能算是回击吗
You think skid-marking their scrubs counts as returning fire?
这只是个开始
It's a start.
不
No.
我不想开始任何事
I don't want to start anything.
我想做个了结
I wanna end them.
你明自我的意思吗
Do you understand me?
或者说你不是我现在需要的人对吗
Or are you not the person I need right now?
好吧我懂了
All right, I get it.
了结不要恶作剧
Shanks, not pranks.
你还在等我着笑吗快干活儿去
Are you waiting for a laugh? Get to work.
那么你们的孩子坏了规矩时你们会怎么做
So, what do you do when your child breaks a rule?
我们来聊聊相关后果吧
Let's talk about appropriate consequences.
哪些因素是你们需要考虑的当你们制定
What are some of the factors for you to consider when creating your...
唷这也太他妈无聊了
Yo. This shit is so fucking boring.
- 首先 - 你觉得那个胖子有孩子吗
- First... - You think gordo here even has kids?
我想我们必须上完这课才能要回孩子
I guess it's what we gotta do to get 'em back.
我听说他们只在乎
I heard the only thing they really care about
收入和住房♥条件
is the income and the housing situation.
不过他们还说我必须有独♥立♥的男女卧室
But still, they saying that I need to have separate bedrooms for the genders.
在他妈的纽约谁他妈能租得起三室的公♥寓♥啊
Who the fuck can afford a three-bedroom apartment in New York?
- 你有几个孩子啊 - 六个
- How many kids you got? - Six.
好吧祝你好运
Yeah, well, good luck with that.
是啊不过都是男孩
Yeah, but they're all boys.
我想我可以睡沙发
And I figure I can sleep on the couch.
注意了女士们
Excuse me, ladies.
你们只有认真听课我才能给你们学分
I can only give you credit for this class if you're actually participating.
是她找我说话的
She was talking to me.
你说的我都知道了
You ain't saying nothing I don't already know.
女士我不知道你现在的具体状况
Ma'am, I don't know the particulars of your situation,
但你的孩子们不能跟你在一起是有原因的
but there's some reason your kids aren't with you.
如果你还想跟他们团聚
And if you want to be reunited with them--
你想知道具体情况那我就告诉你
You wanna know the particulars? I will tell you the particulars.
具体情况就是我的孩子们
The particulars are that my kids
住在一个青少年犯罪横行的破烂社区
are living in a shitty gang-banging neighborhood
而且有个糟糕的养母
with a shitty foster mother
她那个人♥渣♥弟弟可能是个恋童癖
and her shitty brother that's probably a pedophile.
而且还有另一堆寄养的熊孩子
And a bunch of asshole foster kids.
所以如果一切都肯定很糟糕
So if everything's gonna be so shitty,
我的孩子们和给寄养家庭的支票最好都给我
my kids and the checks that come with them might as well be with me.
现在的问题是政♥府♥说了才算
At this point, that's the State's call.
不过相信我现在这里的系统已经超载了只要你满足最低要求
But trust me, the system is so overloaded that if you meet the minimum requirements,
儿童与家庭服务办公室
the Office of Children and Family Services
会很乐意将孩子交还给你
will be happy to return your children to you.
是啊但可能没有支票
Yeah, but probably not the checks.
- 你有工作吧 - 有啊我有工作
- Do you have a job? - Yeah, I got a job.
你们想用营养草药减肥吗
You wanna lose weight with Nutri Herbal?
谁想用
Anybody?
说说呀
Come on.
我看你们中有的人可以减掉几斤
I see a bunch of you could probably drop a few.
别东张西望的
Don't look away.
你怎么了
What's up with you?
嘿
Hey.
你没事儿吧
You okay?
你每天追着我问个不停
You been houndin' me every fuckin' day.
现在我问你你又没什么要说的了
Now I'm asking, and you don't got nothing to say?
没事的如果你不愿意什么都不用说
It's okay. You don't have to say anything if you don't want.
有些事一旦做了就是覆水难收
There's some bells you can't unring.
对我明自
Yeah, I know that.
我什么都做了
I've rung every bell.
我的确吃了你的药
I did take your pills.
它们很有用
And they helped.
我知道
I know.
谢谢你
So, thank you.
你屁♥股♥会湿掉的
Your ass is gonna get wet.
已经湿了
It's already soaked.
哟兄弟这一点都不酷你♥他♥妈♥怎么知道我住哪儿的
Yo, man, this ain't that cool. How the fuck do you know where I live?
你电♥话♥坏了吗
Is your phone broke?
我必须知道我们还安然无事
I gotta know we're still good.
是啊别着急你不用担心我
Yeah. Don't sweat. You don't gotta worry about me.
补偿你的
For your trouble.
从现在起我们互相关照
Now you take care of me, I take care of you.
所以你要给我找个新人吗
So... you got somebody new for me?
什么今晚吗
What, like, tonight?
是
Yeah.
可以的
I can do that.
她
Her.
没毛病老板相中哪个都行
You got it, boss. Whatever you want.
给我五分钟我送她过去
Give me five. I'll send her down.
安布尔收拾东西宝贝
Amber! Get your stuff, baby.
去参加派对
Party time.
好
Yes.
听我说我找到一位主持搭档
So listen, I found a cohost...
我同意你们俩节目是你们的了
I said yes. You two, the show is yours.
真的我们不用面试了吗
Really? We ain't gotta, like, audition?
不用了
Nope.
黄金喜剧就是你们了
Comedy gold, right here.
而且我已经受不了了所以
Also, I can't take any more. So...
额你这玩偶要怎么在广播里演出来
Uh... how is that gonna play on the radio?
用心演啊
Brilliantly.
那我们什么时候开始
So... when do we start?
明天凌晨4点
Tomorrow. 4:00 a.m.
- 真够早的 - 什么
- Gross. - What?
成名的代价嘛
Price of fame.
而且他们说了要有教育意义
Also, uh, they said keep it educational.
准备去吧吧我终于完事儿了
Now beat it. I'm finally done here.