单亲

Single Parents S02E09

Part 2 June 24, 2020, 4:06 p.m.

让我帮你找一套艾米·福格蒂应该穿的衣服
Let me help you find an outfit that screams "Amy Fogerty."
我告诉你波比你不明白
I'm telling you, Poppy, you don't understand.
她很有控制欲
She's very controlling.
艾米把袖子卷下来
Amy, roll your sleeves down.
你看起来像个杂货商
You look like a grocer.
老拿A不是我的错啊
I mean, it's not my fault I only get A's.
我们班是按曲线评分的
Our class is graded on a curve
你也见过我的同学
and, well, you've seen my classmates.
总之我看得出来你没在听我说话
Anyway, I can tell you're not listening to me.
是的人生很疯狂
Yeah, yeah, life is wild.
你觉得我是坏妈妈吗
Uh, do you think I'm a bad mom?
当然不是
Of course not.
我喜欢和你一起购物
I love shopping with you.
我们从不靠近农产品区
We never even go near the produce aisle.
全是垃圾食品
Just junk food.
拜托我拿了花生酱椒盐脆饼
Hello? I got peanut butter pretzels.
里面有坚果和谷物笨笨
That's nuts and grains, dumb-dumb.
等等该尝尝了
Oh, wait, time for a little dip!
女士我们说过
Ma'am, we've told you before,
你不能吃盒里的食物
you can't eat food out of the bins.
这叫试吃
It's sampling.
这叫行窃
It's shoplifting.
安吉你知道的
Angie, you know
你被禁止进入散装食品区
you're banned from the bulk foods area.
拜托史蒂夫我最近很低落
Come on, Steve. I've been really low lately.
你就不能放过我吗
Can't you just cut me a break?
我必须做好我的工作
I have to do my job.
我受不了猫捉老鼠的游戏了
This game of cat and mouse is killing me.
好吧
Fine.
我自己走
I'll escort myself out.
-享受单身生活吧史蒂夫 -什么
- Enjoy being single the rest of your life, Steve. - What?
你本来可以拥有这一切的
You could've had all this.
听着父母不应该和孩子谈论性
Listen, parents shouldn't talk to their kids about sex.
我从来没和父母谈过
I never got a talk.
结果很好啊
Everything turned out great.
一天晚上我在做自己的事
I was minding my own business one night,
用滑尺进行长除法
using a slide rule to perform long division,
我父亲不做任何解释
when my father, without explanation,
把一个东西从门缝塞进来
slid something under my door.
一本翻页黄书
A dirty flip book.
那是一种简单时代的刺♥激♥
A racy thrill from a simpler time.
那个年代如果人们在寒冷的夜晚打开窗户
A time when people would drop dead
就会被冻死
if they left their window open on a cold night.
所以一个裸体舞♥女♥我就很满足了
So a naked dancing lady went a long way.
这是我父亲给我最美好的回忆
It was the fondest memory of my old man.
这也是我拇指得幼年关节炎的原因
And also how I developed juvenile arthritis in my thumb.
我们这样吧
Alright, this is what we got to do --
我们把裸体杂♥志♥交给格雷厄姆
we got to give Graham the nudie magazines.
什么也不说
We say nothing.
让他自己解决
We let him work it out on his own.
你父亲非常吓人而且不负责任
Your father was super creepy and irresponsible.
还好我父亲跟我谈了性教育
Luckily, my father gave me a sex talk
真是太棒了
that was absolutely gorgeous.
-真恶心 -让我充满力量无所畏惧
- Gross. - It left me feeling empowered and fearless,
以及对人类性♥爱♥之美的尊重
but respectful of the beauty of human sexual congress.
你真龌龊
You're vile.
为什么我的性教育谈话那么成功
And why did I have such a great talk?
因为我爸是中学卫生老师
Because my father was a middle school health teacher.
怪不得你的性格变成这样
That is the Rosetta stone of your entire personality.
没错霍桑老师教女生
Yep. Mrs. Hawthorne would teach all the girls,
我爸教男生
and then my dad would teach the boys,
然后我们齐聚一堂
and we'd all come together
参加政♥府♥规定的方形舞课程
for state-mandated square-dancing lessons.
我爸是我的英雄也是性健康的模范
My father is my hero and a paragon of sexual health.
他的性教育谈话堪比罗杰斯先生举办的狗葬礼
He did for sex talks what Mr. Rogers did for dog death.
还真是生动形象
Sounds like a glass of skim milk come to life.
我父母结婚四十年了
Well, my parents have been married for 40 years.
他们算是很成功了
I guess they're doing something right.
所以我们要怎么办
And where are we landing here?
我们要为格雷厄姆完美复刻
We are going to perfectly recreate
我父亲给我的经历所以
the experience my father gave me for Graham. So...
你想开车吗
...do you want to drive?
开车
Drive?
去另一个地方
To a secondary location?
-像凶手一样 -没错
- Like a murderer? - ?Yeah.
因为我们要摆平这次性教育谈话
'Cause we're gonna murder this sex talk.
正如凶手一样
And like a murderer,
我找到了完美的地点
I have already picked out the perfect location --
一个充满雄性激素的地方
a place pulsating with testosterone,
能让男人变得更爷们
where men can be men,
在那里人体的力量能得到充分展现
where the power of the human body is on full display.
道格拉斯
Hi, Douglas!
如果我们没孩子肯定交不上朋友
We wouldn't be friends if we didn't have kids!
绝对的
That I know!
太棒了
Heck yeah.
这才是锻炼嘛
Now, that's a workout.
没错开始适龄谈话之前
Yeah. Got to get that blood pumping
得先让血液涌动起来
before we sit down for our age-appropriate talk.
我爸和我进行相同的谈话之前
You know, my dad brought me to this very roller rink
他也带我来了这个旱冰场
before he sat me down to have the same talk.
他肯定是个好人
Good man, I'm sure.
他肯定上天堂了
And now he's with the angels.
不他67岁退休了
No, he's a 67-year-old retiree
住在瑞兹达的规划社区
living in a planned community in Reseda,
感谢你的关心
but I appreciate the sentiment.
咱们去买♥♥点玉米片然后大吃一顿吧
Now, what do you say we load up on some nachos and dive in, huh?
没折过的十美金
An uncreased ten?
你成功引起了我的注意
Now you've got my attention.
看那小子多开心
See? Look at how happy that boy is.
我父亲的计划奏效了
My father's plan is working.
在开始深入讨论
You excite the body, you sate the hunger
人类生殖器的奥秘之前
before launching into a deep dive
先活动身体饱餐一顿
on the wonders of human genitals.
你滑冰吗
Were you gonna skate?
我父亲的教材
My father's textbook.
成长
性健康指引
米娅怀孕那天我偷了过来
I snagged it the day Mia got pregnant.
我知道总有一天我会用上这本书
I always knew that one day, I would use this book
来教我儿子
to teach my son --
或是教我朋友儿子的性教育
or my friend's son -- about sex.
感觉我们会被警车带走
I feel we're gonna be leaving here in the back of a cop car.
天哪
Oh, man.
这勾起了我很多回忆
This is bringing back a lot of memories.
每一章都堪比珍宝
Each chapter is a jewel.
看 "洗澡时间变长了"
Look, "When Showers Get Longer."
"那里长毛了"
"Hair There Now."
"妈你得先敲门"
"Mom, You Gotta Knock."
"分泌物"
"Secretions."
这是什么
What is this?
"亲爱的巴德"
"Dear Bud."
我爸叫巴德
My dad's name's Bud.
就像金毛猎犬一样阴魂不散
Like a golden retriever. It tracks.
"我等不及让你撕去我的"
"I can't wait for you to rip my"
后面有点露骨了
Language gets a little graphic after that.
这应该是我妈写的情书
I think this a love letter written by my mother.
笔迹有点不一样
I mean, the handwriting's a little different.
她可能是在颠簸的公车上写的
She was probably on the back of a bumpy bus when she wrote this.
真可爱
It's so cute.
我不知道该怎么说
I-I don't know how to say this,
希望这是你♥妈♥的♥裸照
but I'm hoping this is a naked picture of your mother.