老爸有招

Man with a Plan S01E14

Part 2 April 12, 2020, 10:01 a.m.

明白我的意思吗
Do you see where I'm going with this?
我能建议送首饰吗
Yeah, uh, may I suggest jewelry?
我不太戴首饰
I don't wear much jewelry.
送给玛茜
For Marcy!
我们我们来想想她
Let-Let's think about her.
玛茜对你来说意味着什么
What does Marcy mean to you?
她是我儿子的母亲是我一生所爱
She's the mother of my son and the love of my life.
很好当你想到她的时候你觉得
Good! And when you think of her, you feel?
很愧疚
Guilty.
往好了想
Something nice.
饥渴
Horny?
我的老天
Dear God.
世界上还有别的感觉吗
What other feelings are there?
没了就这些了
Nope. That's all of them.
这是谁的电脑
Whose computer is this?
你能专心点吗
Will you pay attention?
好我们来看罗伊斯发的照片
Okay, look at Royce's Instagram.
罗伊斯女孩罗伊斯两个女孩
Royce, girl. Royce, two girls.
罗伊斯在两个半裸的女孩中间
Royce between two half-naked girls.
人家在沙滩上
They're on a beach. u202d
-看看标签 -拯救搁浅鲸鱼
-Read the hashtags. -#SavingaBeachedWhale.
拯救世界和平
#SavingTheWorld. #Peace.
怪胎一个
What a weirdo!
亚当你在强抓救命稻草
Adam, you're grasping at straws now.
我告诉你
I'm telling you,
我观察过这个孩子的眼睛很黑
I have looked in this kid's eyes, and they are black,
像一只鲨鱼在觅食
like a shark looking for dinner.
凯蒂就像是海滩上
And Katie's just like some cute seal
一只可爱的海豹她妈还在一边喊
flopping around on the beach. With her mom telling her,
快下水啊去玩去
"Go out in the water. Play, yeah."
他会伤透她的心
He is gonna break her heart,
而我可不能坐着看戏
and I'm not gonna sit back and watch it happen.
行吧可你不能就这样
Okay but you can't just go out on your own
在网络上去偷♥窥♥13岁孩子
and start cyber-stalking a 13-year-old.
真的吗
Oh, really?
听起来你好像希望我们能先讨论一下
It sounds to me like you wish we had discussed it first.
对啊
Yeah.
我知道你会反对的
Well, I knew you'd say no,
然后我会否决你的反对
and then I'd veto your no,
所以我想说为什么不干脆把中间人去掉
so I thought, hey, why not cut out the middle man?
感觉不怎么好是吧
Yeah, it doesn't feel good, does it?
首先我不是中间人
Okay, first of all, I am not the middle man.
我是你老婆
I'm the wife.
这就意味着我可以比你生气更长时间
Which means I can stay mad a lot longer than you can.
然后我做了两个人的决定
And I have made the unilateral decision
那就是你得放手不管这事
that, mm, you need to stay out of this.
那好我也做了两个人的决定
Well, then, I just made the unilateral decision
我不会照你说的做
that I'm not gonna do what you say.
你必须照做
Yes, you will.
这是谁的电脑
Whose computer is this?
行
Okay.
罗伊斯应该分分钟就到了
Royce should be here any minute.
罗德里格兹老师告诉我他开了个遛狗公♥司♥
Mrs. Rodriguez told me he had a dog-walking company,
所以我在网上约了个时间让他过来
so I booked an appointment online to get him to come over.
吓唬吓唬他
You know, scare him a little,
让他看看是在跟什么样的父亲打交道
show him the kind of dad he'll be dealing with.
安迪不是说别管吗
Didn't Andi say to stay out of it?
她说了不算
Yeah, well, she's not in charge.
更重要的是她不在家
And more importantly, she's not here.
好吧你想让我做什么
All right, what do you want me to do?
就给我撑场面就行
Just back me up, all right?
你想让我演打手是吗
Oh, you want me to be the goon, huh?
别担心我知道怎么做
Don't worry. I know what to do.
现在人都不让我进儿童快餐店了
I'm not even allowed in Chuck E. Cheese anymore.
到了到了
Oh, here, here, here.
-早上好伯恩斯先生 -罗伊斯
- Good morning, Mr. Burns. - u202dRoyce.
谢谢你打给我你不会后悔的
Thanks for calling me. You won't be sorry.
预定我的服务保证百分百满意
When you book me, you'll be a 100% satisfied.
做正确的选择打给罗伊斯
"Make the right choice. Call Royce."
你平时都这么告诉女孩子的吗
Is that what you tell all the girls?
什么
What?
结巴了吗
Did he stutter?!
我打电♥话♥叫你过来
Look, I actually called you over here
是要进行一场男人之间的机密谈话
for a confidential conversation, man-to-man.
我们说什么都不能让凯蒂听到
Nothing we talk about can get back to Katie.
好吧你认识我老婆也认识我女儿
All right? You know my wife, you know my daughter.
现在该认识认识我了
Now it's time for you to get to know me.
比如说吧我其中一个爱好
For instance, one of my hobbies is I like to take walks
就是去林中散步往洞里埋东西
in the woods and bury things in holes.
有时候我会带一件东西
Sometimes I take one thing,
切一切然后埋到不同的洞里
cut it up, and bury it in different holes.
看心情决定
Depends on my mood.
他阴晴不定
He's moody!
我真正想告诉你的话是
I guess what I really wanted you to know
凯蒂是我宝贝女儿你约她就是在约我
is Katie is my little girl, so you date Katie, you date me.
你让她伤心就是让我伤心
You upset Katie, you upset me.
好吗现在很多家长都不爱管事
Okay? Now a lot of parents these days are hands off,
可我呢我喜欢管事
but me-- I'm more hands on.
你明白我的意思吗
You see what I'm saying?
他对小孩动手动脚
He touches kids!
我觉得今早跟罗伊斯谈得挺好的
I think that went pretty well with Royce this morning.
对
Yeah.
你那边有点小毛病不过
There was a few hiccups on your end, but...
我想我们保证了
I think we guaranteed
罗伊斯在约会时绝对不敢动手动脚
that Royce will be a perfect gentleman on their date.
她怎么了
What's wrong with her?
罗伊斯取消了约会
Royce cancelled their date.
什么
What?
他有没有说为什么
Uh, did he happen to mention why?
没有就只给她发了条短♥信♥
No. No, he just, he-he texted her
什么都没解释
and didn't explain anything.
那就好
Oh, that's good.
我是说原因已经不重要了
I mean, the why isn't really important.
重点就是罪魁祸首已经很清楚
What's important is that we establish who's to blame,
就是罗伊斯
and that is Royce.
我要给罗伊斯他妈妈打电♥话♥
Well, I am gonna call Royce's mom,
-这件事我一定要刨根问底 -什么不要
- and we are gonna get to the bottom of this. - What? No, no, no, no.
这件事没必要刨根问底
You don't need to get to the bottom of it.
我们不挖地基待在上面多好
Let's stay at the top. It's nice at the top, huh?
就待在顶层公♥寓♥ 我们就住这里
The penthouse of life-- that's where we live.
-你说什么呢 -我就是想说你说得对
- What? - Well, I'm just saying, you're right.
其实你每次都说得很对
In fact, you're always right.
从今往后一切都听你的
From now on, we should do whatever you say.
你干了什么好事
What did you do?
我来告诉她拜托让我告诉她
Let me tell her, please. Let me be the one to tell her.
你把罗伊斯吓得取消了约会吗
So you scared Royce into cancelling their date?
我吓了罗伊斯
I scared Royce.
而他取消了约会
And he cancelled their date.
无法证明其中的因果关系
You can't prove the connection.
好吧干得漂亮亚当
Okay, well, good job, Adam,
因为你女儿心都碎了
because your daughter is heartbroken.
你还说罗伊斯会让她伤心你已经做到了
You did the exact thing to her that you said Royce would do.
对可她觉得是他干的
Yeah, but she thinks he did it.
所以现在应该按你的方法来不要插手
So I say now we do your thing and just stay out of it.
好吗
Okay?
这个混♥蛋♥根本不配演罗密欧与朱丽叶的戏码
I mean, we don't want to Romeo and Juliet this sucker.
不亚当她现在自怨自艾
No, Adam, she blames herself.
她觉得是因为她哪里不好
She thinks there's something wrong with her.
可她不知道
She doesn't know that really
这一切都是因为她爸非常非常糟糕
there's just something very, very wrong with you.