老爸有招

Man with a Plan S01E10

Part 1 April 12, 2020, 10 a.m.

伯恩斯兄弟
再过六天
Okay, only six more days
我们就能带安迪和玛茜去拉斯维加斯啦
till you, me, Andi and Marcy are on a plane to Vegas.
这次旅行已经计划了三年
we have been planning this trip for three years
每次都会临时出状况
and something always, always screws it up.
不过去年取消应该怪你
Well, it was your fault we cancelled last year.
你为什么非要食物中毒呢
You had to go out and get food poisoning.
那是因为你给我吃了从货车里买♥♥的鱼
Yeah, because you cooked me fish you bought from a guy in a van.
他当时戴着船长帽感觉很专业啊
He was wearing a captain's hat. He seemed legit.
还有前年你就非得养那只土狼
And the year before that, you had to pet that coyote.
它自己走到我面前的
He came right up to me.
好吧接下来的六天要谨慎行事
Okay, for the next six days, we play it safe.
不许玩大冒险不许打赌
No dares, no bets,
不许用你那把钉枪逗大家笑
no making the crew laugh with your nail gun tricks.
这次旅行绝对不能再搅黄了明白吗
Nothing is gonna get in the way of our trip. All right?
你跟酒店确认预订了吗
Did you confirm the hotel reservation?
对我还问他们要到了合作折扣价
Yeah, I even talked them into giving us the convention discount.
你答应了什么条件
Okay, what's the catch?
没条件就是咱们得找个人
No catch. Just, someone's gonna have to
伪装成足科医生
pretend to be a podiatrist.
而且大概还得做一个半小时演讲
And, um, possibly give a quick 90-minute speech.
艾米回来啦芭蕾课怎么样
Hey, Emme, how was ballet?
可好了我最可爱了
Great, I was the cutest one.
她是不是惹麻烦了
She's gonna be trouble, isn't she?
可能是
Yeah, a little bit.
还有六天去拉斯维加斯好激动
Six days to Vegas. I know, I'm excited.
你猜我在芭蕾课上听说了什么
Oh, but, uh, guess what I heard at ballet? Hmm?
查德·汤普森上周开了生日派对
Chad Thompson had a birthday party last week
没有邀请泰迪
and Teddy wasn't invited.
什么查德·汤普森是谁
What? Wait, which one's Chad Thompson?
是那个叫你宝贝的吗
The one that calls you "Toots"?
不不是
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
是那个身子小脑袋大的男孩
He's the one who's got the head that's too big for his body.
我想起来了泡泡头·汤普森
Oh, yeah, yeah, Bubblehead Thompson, yeah.
好吧希望泰迪没有不开心
I just-- I hope Teddy's not upset.
我们去看看
Oh, well, let's find out.
一般我不会这么说
I don't suggest this often,
不过我们去跟孩子们聊聊吧
but let's go talk to our children.
你去吧
Okay, you go.
你为什么不去你比较近
Why don't you go? You're closer.
泰迪
Teddy?
是这样你妈妈想找你聊聊
Listen, uh, Mom wants to talk to you.
泰迪...
So, Teddy...
这几天你跟查德·汤普森怎么了
Hey, what's going on with Chad Thompson these days?
听说他上周开了生日派对
I-I heard he had a birthday party last week?
我不想去就没去
I didn't want to go to that.
我们已经不一起玩了
We don't really hang out anymore.
那你现在跟谁玩
Well, so, who do you hang out with?
玩《阿斯特洛林反叛》的那些人
The guys who play Astroline Rebellion,
简直是史上最棒的电子游戏
the greatest computer game of all time.
是你们学校孩子们玩的吗
So, kids at your school play that?
不是我没见过他们
No. I've never met them in person.
我们是网友
They're online friends.
-这样啊真是... -太可怕了
- That is, um... - Troubling?
他们人很好
They're great guys--
太空王者零度独行侠还有古波43
SpaceBoss, LonerZero, TheGoobs43.
古波古波是什么东西
The-the goobs? What-what's a goobs?
这些孩子是什么人
Wh-What kind of kids are these?
所谓呆子
They're called dorks.
不过宝贝
All right, but, um, sweetie,
你也会跟学校里小朋友一起玩对吗
you-you hang out with actual kids at your school, too, right?
对就是学校里你认识的小朋友
Yeah, yeah, kids you definitely know aren't, like,
而不是泡在曼谷网吧里的老男人
grown men in some Internet cafe in Bangkok.
算了我最近比较喜欢在网上玩
Not really. I'm more of an online presence these days.
我应该多带他去钓鱼的
Oh, I should have taken him fishing more.
我之前没订机票
Okay, I didn't do it sooner
是因为我不想太早立旗帜
because I didn't want to jinx it.
不过我订好了去拉斯维加斯的机票
But I booked our flights to Vegas.
好消息都是中间座位
Great news: all middle seats.
为什么要让老唐来安排这次旅行
Okay, how come we let Don plan these trips?
明年我们绝对必须
Next year, we got to make sure
找个负责人来负责让他不负责
someone's in charge of making sure he's not in charge.
我觉得现在去旅行可能不合适
I don't if now is the right time to go, you know?
毕竟泰迪现在开始跟太空古波人玩了
I mean, what, with Teddy and the space goobers.
这怎么了他变成了宅男开心就好
What? So he's a nerd. He's happy.
你这样说只是因为你想去拉斯维加斯
You're just saying that 'cause you want to go to Vegas.
对但是他看起来没问题
Yes. Yes, but also, he seems fine.
对世界需要宅男
Yeah, the world needs nerds.
要是比尔盖茨的父母发现他是宅男
What do you think would have happened if Bill Gates' parents
结果反应激烈大吵大闹怎么办
had freaked out about him being a nerd, huh?
世界上就再也没有《愤怒的小鸟》了
There'd be no Angry Birds, I'll tell you that.
我只是不希望其他孩子
I just don't want the other kids to think
觉得他很逊然后欺负他
he's weird and then give him a hard time.
成长本来就不容易
Growing up is tough.
其实我自己没什么经验
You know, I don't have any personal experience
没被孤立过因为我从来都是人群焦点
being an outsider, 'cause I've always been hot and athletic.
但是
But, um,
我觉得老唐有共鸣
I think Don can relate. Mm.
对高中时
Yeah. In high school,
吉米·杜根总跟着我
Jimmy Dugan used to follow me around
叫我脱毛大猩猩
and call me a shaved gorilla.
脱毛大猩猩真是...
Oh, a shaved gorilla. That's a...
我小时候很宅所以受了很多苦
Yeah, well, I was a nerd growing up and it wasn't easy.
虽然你总是这么说
You know, you're always saying that,
但我一直不信
but I am not buying it.
就算宅你也是个美女宅
If anything, you were a hot nerd.
就像《小狗史酷比》里的威尔玛
Like, uh, like Velma on Scooby-Doo.
你真这么想吗
Ah, you think so, huh?
对啊
Oh, yeah.
你戴上眼镜的样子...
When you wear your reading glasses...
好了...
All right...
那是因为我没跟你们仨
Well, that's because I didn't go to the same high school
上同一所高中
as the three of you.
好吧我要向你们说一件
Okay, I am gonna tell you guys something
从未跟其他人说过的事
I have never told anyone before.
我高一的时候
My freshman year...
跟老师上过床隆过胸
You slept with a teacher? You got a boob job?
其他人怎么不猜
Why is no one else guessing?
好吧我当时
Okay, I had just moved here
刚从弗吉尼亚州搬来没什么朋友
from Virginia and I hadn't made many friends.
我就打算在返校日那天惊艳全场
I thought, "I'm gonna make a big splash at the homecoming game."
我去了商场
So, I go to the mall.
橱窗里看到一套皮衣
And there, in the window, is a leather suit. Okay?
就像艾迪·墨菲单口相声专场时穿的那件
Just like the one Eddie Murphy wore in his stand-up special.
特别闪亮紧身
It was shiny, skintight
亮红色的
and bright red.
我去
Oh, no.
是的哦
Oh, yeah.
我把当保姆挣来的钱全花上边了
And I spent all my babysitting money on it
因为我觉得
'cause I thought...
人靠衣装嘛
"With this suit, I can't lose."
我希望这个故事结局是好的
I hope this works out for her.
你眼力价不咋样啊
You're not good with tone, are you?
我坐上冷板凳的时候就意识到错误了
Yeah, i realized my mistake as soon as I hit the bleachers.
那个
You see...
皮料会发出声音
leather makes a sound.
别人听到这种声音都会停下来
It's a sound that-that makes people stop
盯着我看
and stare.
我为什么觉得这个故事很熟悉
Why do I know this story?
当时我就开始流汗了狂流
And that's when I started to sweat. A lot.
然后