好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S06E13
Part 1
Nov. 18, 2020, 9:11 a.m.
30 days has September, all the rest have 31,
9月有30天 7月8月10月都是31天
except for Judith, who has 28.
但是朱迪丝的月经周期是28天
Hey, Alan. Meet Don.
嘿 艾伦 这是唐
Hello, Don.
哈喽 唐
Hello, Alan.
哈喽 艾伦
Don drove me home and I don't have any money.
唐开车送我回来 我没带钱
Okay, uh, is Don a cabbie?
好吧 唐是不是计程车司机呀?
No, no. Don is a close, personal friend.
不 不 唐是一个老友
Don is a cabbie.
唐是计程车司机
He has enough friends, and he wants his $80.
他才没你这种朋友 他是来要80块车钱的
What happened to your money?
你的钱都哪儿去了?
Good question.
问得好
You know how easy Texas Hold 'Em looks on TV
电视上演德克萨斯扑克大赛的时候
when you can see the other guys' hole cards?
在电视机前看别人牌的时候 觉得简单吧?
Yeah.
是嘛
Very different in real life.
真正去赌的时候就不是这么回事儿了
No tip?
不给小费?
Hold on.
等等
Let's see, five dollars...
我找找 5块...
Keep your money, Mr. Trump You need it more than I do.
还是算了吧 赌神先生 你比我更需要这钱
Are we still on for lunch?
还一起去吃午饭不?
I think you offended Don.
你肯定把唐惹生气了
He'll get over it. Where's your car?
他不记仇的 你的车呢?
Don't change the subject. You owe Don an apology.
别转移话题 你应该跟唐道歉
Oh, hey, a calendar. Yeah.
哟呵 日历啊 嗯
What's "JMC" stand for? Nothing.
"JMC"是什么意思? 没什么
Oh, come on. John Mellencamp Cougar?
快说 约翰·梅伦坎·美洲狮? (美国摇滚歌♥手兼作曲)
No.
不是
Jumping Methodist... cougar?
约翰·梅伦坎...美洲狮?
No.
不是
Then I give up.
好吧 我不猜了
Well, if you must know, it stands for "Judith's menstrual cycle."
如果你非要我说 告诉你 就是"朱迪丝的月经周期"
Get out.
不是吧
No, look. This is when Judith and Herb broke up.
是真的 你看 这天是朱迪丝跟哈珀分手的日子
And this is the day that I had sex with her.
而这天是我跟她上♥床♥的日子
Dude... you need a better hobby.
老弟... 你还真是变♥态♥
Judith is now five months pregnant.
朱迪丝现在已经怀孕5个月了
Oh, yeah, right.
喔 是了是了
She's probably in that sweet spot where her boobs are big and cushy
她现在应该到了咪♥咪♥又大又圆
but her ass is still normal.
但是屁屁还是老样子的阶段了
Charlie, it is almost certain that I am the father of Judith's baby.
查理 我基本上已经肯定 我就是朱迪丝孩子的父亲了
Are you still grinding on this?
你干嘛还在纠结这事儿?
What if it's a girl? I always wanted a daughter.
如果是女儿呢? 我一直都想要个闺女
I finally get one and some other guy gets to be her dad.
我终于有女儿了 但是她却要认别的男人做老爸
I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.
感觉就像是给我开了一个国际大玩笑
I lost $8,000 playing poker.
我玩牌输了8000块
I have no idea where my car is,
完全不记得我的车停在哪儿了
threw up in my mouth three times,
到现在也已经反酸恶心三次了
and I'm still having a better night than you are.
跟你一比 貌似我还算好的了
I don't expect you to understand.
你是没法理解的了
You don't know the joy of being a parent.
你不知道为人父母的乐趣
Of watching a part of you grow and develop, blooming into a fully formed human being.
看着孩子们长高长大 看着他们慢慢长大成人
Four times.
第四次
Two And A Half Men Season06 Episode13
好汉两个半 第6季 第13集
Jake, your father's here.
杰克 你♥爸♥来接你了
So, how you doing? Good.
感觉怎么样? 很好
Over the morning sickness? Yes, Alan.
晨吐已经过去了吧? 没事 艾伦
Uh, by my calculations probably about a week, ten days ago?
我算了一下 过去了一个星期 差不多10天了吧?
That sounds right.
没错
Good, good. You have a nice break till the,
不错不错 除非你的痔疮复发
uh, till the old hemorrhoids come a-callin'.
你接下来这段时间会好受些了
Jake1
杰克
Judith, are we gonna talk about the elephant in the room?
朱迪丝 我们啥时候谈谈那事儿?
What elephant?
啥事儿?
Come on, you, me, the baby?
别装了 你和我 还有这孩子?
I mean, we did have unprotected sex... You shut your mouth. We did not.
我们做的时候没带套... 你给我闭嘴 我们没有
Yes, we did.
我们明明就有
Read my lips. We did not have sex.
看我口型 我们没有上♥床♥
Oh, hey, Alan. How goes it?
喔 嘿 艾伦 吃饭了没?
Oh, uh, fine, Herb. Uh, how you doing?
喔 刚吃过 哈珀 你呢?
Proud as a peacock.
俺无比骄傲
Honey, did you show him the sonogram? No.
亲爱的 你没他给B超的照片? 没
Oh, you should see her, Alan. Her? So, it is a girl?
喔 你真应该看看她 艾伦 她? 这么说 这是个女孩?
Yep, one fresh-faced little fetus sans wee-wee.
是哇 一个活生生的小脸蛋
I always wanted a sans wee-wee.
我超想要一个小女儿的
Well, you can't have mine.
反正这个不是你的
No, no, of course not.
恩恩 我不跟你抢
Hey, wanna see how we're decorating the nursery?
嘿 想看看我们弄的婴儿房♥不?
He doesn't wanna see the nursery, Herb.
他没说要看婴儿房♥ 哈珀
Sure I would. You going with mermaids?
我当然想看 你买♥♥了美人鱼没有呀?
Little girls love mermaids.
小女孩最喜欢美人鱼了
Actually, I was thinking little ponies.
我本来还想着买♥♥小马的
Little ponies? Yeah, why?
小马马? 是呀 有什么问题嘛?
Oh, gosh... Little ponies have little penises.
哦哟... 小马马不是有小鸡鸡嘛
Really? I didn't notice that on the stencils.
真的? 我还真没仔细看那个购物目录
Let's go take look. I'm ready.
现在就去看看嘛 我收拾好了
Oh, uh, I'll be right back. I'm just going to go see the baby's room.
喔 我马上就出来 先去看看婴儿房♥
He never wants to see my room.
他从来就没去过我房♥间
That's because your room is a pig sty.
因为你房♥间就跟猪圈一样
I didn't ask for a reason.
我就随便问下
Alan, buddy, I'm getting a little concerned about your drinking.
艾伦 老弟呀 我有点担心你酗酒
I don't have a problem.
我才没有酗酒
Well, I do. You're swillin' my good stuff.
我担心啊 你在浪费我的好酒
Here. Have some Old Wal-Mart.
来来 你就喝喝过期超♥市♥货就得了
Thank you.
谢谢
What's this?
这是什么?
Ugh, a diary I kept during Judith's pregnancy.
朱迪丝怀孕时我写的日记
Jennifer, Jocelyn, Jasmine, Jolene?
珍妮弗 乔斯林 茉莉花 茱莲妮?
Some of the names that we picked out in case Jake had been a girl.
如果那个时候生的是女孩 就从这里头挑一个名字
Oh, man, can you imagine him as a chick?
苍天大地呀 他要是女的还了得?
Woof1
想都不敢想
Yeah, well, that's not how it turned out.
呃 反正生下来的是男孩了
Think about it though.
真要想想
Every weekend, me, you and a big ugly girl with a bad haircut.
每个周末 我们都要跟一个 发型难看的丑女在一起
I'm gonna have a daughter, Charlie.
我要有女儿了 查理
Okay, okay, first of all, you don't know it's your kid.
好吧好吧 你还不知道是不是你的呢
All we know is that when Judith and Herb
现在我们知道只是朱迪丝跟哈珀
broke up you nailed Judith.
分手了 然后你上了朱迪丝
Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith.
然后他们和好了 就轮到哈珀上朱迪丝了
So, the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances,
所以我们总结一下就是 虽然她长得很老姑婆
Judith is a slut.
但她骨子里是荡♥妇♥
Hey, I'm aware that technically either one of us could be the father,
嘿 我也知道虽然我俩都有可能 是这个孩子的父亲
but I know in my gut that this is my sweet bastard child.
但是我心里很清楚这就是我的野种
You don't know squat.
就你 你知道啥
And you wanna talk technically?
你想知道真实情况不?
Technically, maybe neither one of you is the father.
也许实际上 你俩谁都不是孩子老爸
Oh, dear God, Charlie. What have you done?
偶滴神 查理 连朱迪丝你也搞了?
Not me, you fool.
不是我 你个笨蛋
Although if I had known she was that easy, may... Stop1
不过如果我知道她这么随便的 我就... 闭嘴
All I'm saying is there could very well be some guy in her driveway
我是说有可能是一个拿着吹叶机
with a leaf blower pining away for "baby Juanita."
站在车道上的男人 然后就生下了"Juanita"(西班牙语)
That's just ridiculous. Judith won't even eat Mexican food.
别傻了 朱迪丝连墨西哥菜都不吃
Look, even if you're right,
听着 就算你是孩子老爸
doing anything about it, it's just gonna destroy a marriage.
你这么做 是在破坏人家的家庭
I know, I know. It's just...
我知道 我知道 只是...
it's so hard to ignore my paternal instincts.
要压抑 我的父性实在是太难了
Sure, I see those instincts with Jake and I admire them.
恩 我看你对杰克的父爱就很强大 我超佩服你的
If I was his dad, I would've dropped him off at an orphanage
如果我是他爸 我早把他丢到孤儿院去了
with 20 bucks and a bag of doughnuts.
再扔给他20块钱和一盒甜甜圈
No, you wouldn't. He was adorable when he was a baby.
不 你不会的 他小的时候还是很可爱的
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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