尖叫皇后（2015）

Scream Queens S02E03

Part 7 Sept. 10, 2020, 10:12 a.m.

我死了我
I'm dead. I...
我的血管里没有你那种温热的血液
Hot blood doesn't run through my veins like it does yours.
你想要证据吗
You want proof?
16.1摄氏度
61 degrees.
天啊你真的死了
Oh, my God. You are dead.
-他在哪 -谁
- Where is he? - ?Who?
那个病人你联♥系♥我的
The patient! You had me paged.
他们说是紧急情况
They said it was an emergency.
确实是我需要和你谈谈
There is. I need to talk to you.
而且我需要你帮我系一下这个老式蝴蝶结
Also, uh, I need help tying this old-fashioned bow tie
为我明天的婚礼做准备
for my wedding tomorrow.
我觉得你这种
I mean, I figured a guy like you,
大概内战时期出生的人
who was around during the Civil War
估计会知道怎么系
would probably know how to do it.
我现在有个难题我所有的好哥们都死了
Okay, I have a dilemma. All my best buds are dead.
先是兄弟会的朋友然后是兰德尔
Okay? My frat bros, then Randall
没人能当我的伴郎了
I got no one to be my best man.
你没有亲兄弟吗
You don't have brothers?
有啊但我觉得他们估计很忙
Yeah, but I figure they're probably busy and
而且我想留着他们等我二婚的时候
also kind of want to save 'em to be my best man
再当伴郎
for the second wedding.
二婚才能长久你懂的
You know, that's the one that usually sticks, you know?
总之我有点想让你当伴郎
Anyway, I was kind of hoping you'd do it.
我恨你
I hate you.
但你爱香奈儿
But you love Chanel!
伴郎最重要的工作就是
Look, the best man's most important job
确保新郎不会被吓尿
is to make sure the groom doesn't freak out
把新娘独自留在圣坛上
and leave his bride at the altar.
你懂我的意思吗
You get what I'm saying here?
你临阵畏缩了
You have cold feet.
你肯定理解我
Look, you're gonna get this because,
因为显然咱俩都很帅
obviously, we're both really handsome.
妞们都想上我
Girls really want to bone me, okay?
我立好了遗嘱在我死之后
When I die, I've left instructions
把我磨成细粉
to grind me up into a fine powder
分发给那些
to be given out to underprivileged dudes
可怜没人爱的屌♥丝们
who have trouble getting laid.
因为我确定如果他们涂上了我的精华
Because I'm convinced if they rub my essence on 'em,
他们基本就有妹子上了
they're pretty much guaranteed to get ass.
我不适合一夫一妻的生活
Look, I'm not cut out for monogamy, okay?
这不是我能干的事
This is not what I do.
几天之后要是我在红灯或者煎饼屋
I mean, in a couple days, once I bone a girl
或者在公园里搞上了一个妹子
at a stop light, or at an IHOP,
那我就对我老婆劈腿了
or public park, I'll be cheating on my wife.
我觉得我不想当那样的人
I don't know if I want to be that guy.
那就别结婚啊
Then don't get married.
什么现在后悔已经太晚了
What? It's a little late for that.
婚礼上被抛弃出现在茱莉亚·罗伯茨电影里
Getting left at the altar works in Julia Roberts movies
或者《实习医生格蕾》上还差不多
or on Grey's Anatomy,
但在现实生活中那会毁了你
but in real life, that ruins you.
我不想伤害香奈儿
I don't want to hurt Chanel.
我是不是很奇怪我只想让她幸福
Isn't that weird? I just want her to be happy.
我想让她拥有一个美好的婚礼
I want her to have a great wedding day.
不想让我对未来花心程度的担忧
I don't want my worries about my future studliness
搞砸了她的大日子
to get in the way of her special day.
无论未来发生什么
Whatever happens down the road,
我都希望这一天是属于她的
I want this day to be for her.
说不定我真爱她呢
Maybe I almost love her, you know?
你把这个结系得太紧了哥们
You're tying the bow tie a little tight, bro.
本来就要系紧点
It needs to be tight.
别动
Hold on.
好了
Okay...
我会当你的伴郎的
I'll be your best man.
去嫖一下庆祝庆祝吗
Hookers to celebrate?
还是不要了
Let's not.
顺便告诉你
Oh, and you should know,
当你们六个月后分手的时候
when you guys break up in six months,
我会用无尽的性♥爱♥
I'm gonna be there to comfort Chanel
在香奈儿身边安慰她的
by having a lot of sex with her.
换我也会这么做的
I wouldn't have it any other way.
这是一颗29克拉内部无暇的
It's a 29-carat internally flawless
亮丽钻石采用的是
fancy-vivid diamond in the extremely rare
婊式切割
"Whore cut."
俄♥罗♥斯♥富豪的情妇们
Which is the preferred cut for mistresses
都喜欢这种样式
of Russian billionaires.
这钻石真是大
That is one huge diamond.
就是呀真是太沉了
I know, right? It's so heavy,
它自带了随叫随到的按♥摩♥师
it comes with its own chiropractor on call,
内置追踪系统还有无线热点呢
has a built-in LoJack system, and is its own Wi-Fi hot spot.
姐♥妹♥们♥ 我有一件很重要的事情要问你们
Ladies, there's something important I need to ask you.
应该是对准新娘来说
It may be the most emotional decision
最动情的决定了
a bride-to-be has to make.
香奈儿三号♥
Chanel #3,
你愿意做我的伴娘吗
would you be one of my bridesmaids?
当然愿意香奈儿
Of course I would, Chanel.
扎丹你是否也愿意做我的伴娘
Zayday, would you also consider being one of my bridesmaids?
香奈儿我好感动
Chanel, I'm so touched.
这是我荣幸之至
I would love nothing more.
香奈儿五号♥ 你是否愿意
Chanel #5, would you do me the honor,
当我的花童
of being my ring bearer?
等等
Wait.
-我不是也该当伴娘吗 -什么
- Don't I get to be a bridesmaid, too? - ?What?
不听好了五号♥ 我们没那么熟
No! News flash, Number Five, we're not that close!
要么当花童要么什么都别当
It's ring bearer or nothing!
善意小提示
And just FYI,
你要打扮得像只狗
you're gonna have to dress up like a dog
用四肢走红毯
and walk down the aisle on all fours
背上绑个小戒枕
with the ring sitting on a cute little pillow
就像背着马鞍那样
that is strapped to your back like a tiny saddle.
因为现在婚礼用狗狗当花童
Because having a dog be the ring bearer
最时尚了
is so hot in wedding trends right now.
对了婚礼是明天
Oh, and also, the wedding is tomorrow.?
-什么 -什么
- What? - ?What?
你不需要筹备婚礼什么的吗
Don't you need to, like, plan a wedding?
要啊今天下午筹备好了查德富得流油
Yeah, I did, this afternoon. Chad's super rich.
我把所有订单都加急了
I just did a rush order on everything.
再说我必须趁热打铁
Plus I need to strike while the iron is hot.
如果拖太久查德可能会改变心意
If I wait too long, Chad might change his mind.
或是搞忘
Or forget.
我要结婚了
I'm getting married!
这是CURE医院送你的出院气球
And this is your official C.U.R.E. discharge balloon.
代表你正式地痊愈了
This balloon means you've officially been cured.
真是贴心
Oh, that is so sweet!
在这儿痊愈的人都能得到气球吗
Now, does everybody who gets cured here get one?
未来会有的你是第一位
They will. You're the first patient
被治疗好后又幸存下来的人
that's been able to get cured and survive.
-什么 -没什么
- Excuse me? - ?Nothing.
不过我可以保证
Well, I guarantee you this.
我不会是最后一个
I won't be the last,
因为我已经通知了地方媒体
because I've already called the local news,
告诉他们我在这里受到美好的待遇
and told them the story of my amazing care I received here.
我要让你们两位
I plan on putting both of you guys,
和这家医院一举成名
this whole hospital, on the map.
没问题
Hello!
够了绿魔
All right, Green Meanie--
我管你是谁
whoever you are--
放马过来吧贱逼
let's go, bitch.
扎丹
Zayday!
张伯伦你得缝上好几针了
Oh, Chamberlain, you're gonna need a hell of a lot of stitches.
你会没事的
It's gonna be okay.