好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S03E24
Part 2
Nov. 17, 2020, 12:19 p.m.
What's happier than a wedding?
还有什么时机比婚礼更喜庆的?
My mother's funeral springs to mind.
对了 我妈妈的葬礼快到了
There'll be music,dancing, my mom will be in a box.
那时候会有音乐 舞蹈 而且我老妈会被装在一个盒子里
You're horrible.
太可怕了
That's a gorgeous wedding cake.
这个婚礼蛋糕真不错
It's okay.
还好吧
I'm not big on having the little action figures on top.
我对蛋糕上的小人不太感冒
They kind of creep me out.
他们有点让我毛骨悚然
They're traditional.
传统式的嘛
Hey,this is our wedding, we can do whatever we want.
嘿 这是我们的婚礼 我们想怎么办就怎么办
We don't even have to have cake, we could have pie.
我们甚至可以不要蛋糕 我们可以用馅饼
A wedding pie?
一个婚礼馅饼?
Well,we'd probably need more than one.
也许我们需要不止一个
You know,so everybody gets some crust.
那样的话每个人都能分到点馅饼皮儿
Alan,what do you think about a wedding with no cake?
艾伦 你怎么看待一个没有蛋糕的婚礼?
No cake?
没有蛋糕?
Where would you put the little bride and groom?
那把新娘新郎小人放到哪里?
I can think of one place.
我能找到别的地方
Charlie,if you do a wedding,do it right.
查理 如果你要举♥行♥婚礼 那就办的体面点
Thank you,Alan. You're welcome.
谢谢你 艾伦 不客气
Which reminds me, I found my wedding folder.Guess what was in it?
这倒提醒我了 我刚刚找到我的婚礼册 猜猜里面有什么?
The claim check for your manhood?
你男性雄威的证明吗?
As I was saying it's all here.
就像我之前说的 全都在这儿了
Everything you could possibly need for your big day.
所有你们大喜的日子
From paper samples for your announcements
可能需要的参考资料
to selected verses of poetry well-suited for wedding vows.
从婚柬的纸样 到为婚礼宣誓时 精心挑选的浪漫爱情诗词
And you wonder why people think you're gay.
那你还捉摸不透为啥人们觉得你是同性恋吗?
Oh,shush.
哦 闭嘴吧
Now,you're talking cake but we are light years away from cake.
你们在谈蛋糕呢 可我们离蛋糕那步还远著呢
First we have to discuss the budget, the venue,how many guests.
首先我们需要讨论的是 预算 婚礼的地点 客人的多少
Is it gonna be a sit-down dinner or a buffet.
是要就席餐宴还是要自助餐
Then you need to hire a photographer and a videographer.Then a florist.
然后要请一个摄影师 还有录像师 还有花店的问题
Have you thought about flowers?
你们考虑过花的问题了吗?
Well,lilies are nice.
哦 百合就好吧
Lilies are perfect if the bride and groom are recently deceased.
如果新郎和新娘最近都死掉的话 那么百合花会非常合适
But I like lilies.
但是我喜欢百合
Mia,we'll never get through this if you don't focus.
米亚 如果不集中精神永远都没法进入下个阶段
Now,wedding party.
现在考虑的是婚礼派对
Bridesmaids.What are they wearing?
伴娘 她们要穿什么?
I suggest an unflattering style in a hideous color...
我建议她们穿颜色式样都难看的衣服
because after all,this is your day.
因为毕竟那天是你的大好日子嘛
Oh,and before I forget,although it's not politically correct to throw rice...
哦 我差点忘了 从政♥治♥方面讲 尽管扔大米不太好...
if you throw birdseed,you run the risk of ending like a Hitchcock movie.
但如果你扔的是鸟食的话 下场很可能像希区柯克的电影一样
What kind of pie did you have in mind?
你想要哪种馅饼呢?
Well,look who's here.The bride of Drunkenstein.
哎呀 看看谁来了 醉酒的新娘
Look.
看
Wow,that's quite a rock.
哇 好大的钻石啊
You know what we call babes with rings like that in my neighborhood?
你们知道在我住的社区 我们怎么称呼戴着这种戒指的年轻女孩吗?
Stumpy.
俗人
What are you looking at me for? Just stay out of her neighborhood.
你看着我♥干♥吗?离她住的社区远点就行了
That was uncomfortable.
真是太不舒服了
No,sand in my urethra is uncomfortable.
不 是我尿道里的沙子让人不舒服
That meal was a freaking disaster.
这顿饭吃得太失败了
I'm gonna stay with my family, try and calm my mother down.
我要陪我家人 试着让我妈妈冷静下来
The miserable bitch.
可恶的泼妇
Your family hates me,don't they?
你家人不喜欢我 是不是?
Not just you.
不仅仅是你
I'll call you later.
我一会儿给你打电♥话♥
Do you believe your future mother-in-law?
你相信那是你将来的岳母吗?
Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a tracksuit
她居然穿着运动装 半英亩那么老大的
with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass.
屁♥股♥上还有"肥嫩"字样的出现在4星级饭店里
I can read,Mom.
我认识字 妈妈
Can we go back? I forgot my doggy bag.
我们能回去一下吗?我打包的剩菜落在那儿了
We can never go back,Jake.
我们永远也不回去了 杰克
Come on,it's not the end of the world.
好啦 这不是世界末日
Easy for you to say.
你说着倒容易
You're not marrying into the Addams family.
又不是你跟亚当斯一家结亲
Oh,like you were a prize.
哦 好像你自己有多高贵似的
Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancee's menu.
"不小心"把一份婚前协议书 掉到我未婚妻的菜单里
I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife...
我只是想保护你而已 以免未来某个复仇如性的前妻
who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life
将你洗劫一空 用你的血汗钱 来满足她虚荣的生活
of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery.
开派对啊 血拼啊 或是做什么 没必要的整容
Mom
老妈?
Every one of my surgeries was necessary.
我的每一项手术可都是非做不可
And if I had signed a pre-nup you would never have gone to music camp...
如果我当初簽婚前协议 你永远不会去音乐夏令营
and Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of Pennzoil.
艾伦的"天包地"就会严重到 可以用来咬开一罐Pennzoil牌润滑油
I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams.
我还不知道米亚的姓是"亚当斯"呢
I didn't know her sister is a cop.
我还不知道她的姐姐是个条子呢
Was a cop.
曾经是条子
Now she's a dry drunk with a grudge and a 38.
她现在就是个年芳三八 心怀怨念的老酒鬼
Well,I liked her.
但是我挺喜欢她的
Well,that's because she had the same haircut as you.
那是因为她的发型跟你一样
I was a little shocked that her father stuck you with the bill.
她老爸把帐单推给你的时候 我倒是挺惊讶的
You know why you noticed that?
你知道你为什么会注意到吗?
Because the two of you trampled each other trying to get to the men's room
当时你们俩差不多你踩我跺的 争抢跑去男洗手间
when you saw the waiter bringing it.
因为你们都看见服务生拿着账单过来了
I drank a lot of iced tea.
那是因为我冰茶喝多了
Well,I had a very nice time.
哦 我过得挺开心的
Sure,you got to inform my bride-to-be and her entire family...
当然了 因为你非得告诉我未婚妻 以及她家里所有人
that you had sex with me before you had sex with him.
你跟他上♥床♥之前先跟我上过床
I was just telling Mia I know how lucky she is.
我只是想告诉米亚 我知道她多么幸运
Nevertheless,honey, it was not an appropriate toast.
不管怎么样 那个祝酒词也不太合适
Juicy-pants almost choked to death on her lamb shank.
"肥嫩"大屁♥股♥岳母 差点没被她那份羊小腿噎死
Well,in all fairness,the woman was stuffing her face like a musket.
我这么说可没夸张 她非把自己的脸撑得像支火枪
All I can say is after tonight's fiasco...
我只能说 经过今天晚上这场自助餐劫难
I'm gonna have to rethink the seating chart for the wedding.
我需要考虑重新安排一下婚礼的座位表了
Yeah,well,it won't be that complicated.
哦 没有那么复杂
Why not?
为什么没有?
Because none of you are invited.
因为你们都不会受到邀请
Well,Mom,if you wear an animal print tracksuit to a nice restaurant...
妈妈 如果你穿着动物图案的运动装 去一个高档餐馆吃饭
people are gonna make comments.
人们是会说三道四的
I agree.
我同意
Calling you a cougar with arm fat was over the line.
叫你粗胳膊的美洲狮是有点过分
Hang on.
等一下
Hello,Mia.
你好 米亚
I'll call you back.
我一会再给你打
You don't think Mia's gonna turn into her mother,do you?
你不会认为米亚会变成她妈妈那样吧?
I wouldn't worry about it.
我不担心这个
Yeah.
是啊
What I would worry about is you turning her into our mother.
我担心的是你把她变成我们妈妈那样儿
Thanks for ruining my wedding night, Dr.Freud.
谢谢你毁了我的新婚之夜 弗洛伊德博士
Hey,don't set the bar too high for the wedding night.
别对新婚之夜期望那么高
What are you talking about?
你在说什么啊?
It's a long,stressful day.
那天会很漫长 压力很大
You'll be exhausted,full of banquet food and cheap champagne.
你会累得半死 肚子里塞满婚宴的食物和廉价的香槟
Take my advice.
接受我的建议吧
Tell her you love her, give her a big kiss...
告诉她你爱她 深深的吻她一下
and try to fall asleep with your ass pointed toward an open window.
试着屁♥股♥对住打开着的窗户睡觉
You,sir,have the heart of a poet.
先生 你有颗诗人般的心
I am merely the voice of smelly experience.
我只不过以自己"臭不堪言"的经验相劝
Well then,let me ask you this.
好吧 我想问你
I know things didn't end well with you and Judith...
我知道你和朱蒂斯的婚姻不成功
but overall, did you like being married?
但是总的来说 你喜欢婚姻吗?
Oh,I loved being married.
哦 我喜欢婚姻
Never missed having sex with other women?
从未怀念过跟其他女人上♥床♥的感觉?
Sure.
当然有过
But I missed that before I got married too.
但是我结婚之前也没少怀念啊
What I loved was the idea of having someone that I could always turn to.
我喜欢婚姻 是因为我喜欢有人依靠
Someone who cared about me.
有人关心我
Someone who'd always stand by me through thick and thin.
有人一直在我身边跟我同甘共苦的这种安心感觉
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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