好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S03E19
Part 1
Nov. 17, 2020, 12:18 p.m.
Two and a Half Men,Season 03,episode 19.
好汉两个半 第03季第19集.
You're up early.
你起的挺早啊
Well,it's a beautiful day,shame to waste it sleeping.
一日之际在于晨
Must've got to bed early then
那一定是睡的早咯
I guess.
也许是吧
Well,you know what they say.
你知道人们怎么说的吗
Early to bed,early to rise,makes a man healthy,
早睡早起 身体好
wealthy and can't get laid,huh?
变有钱 还不能嗨咻 是吧?
Maybe I'm not trying.
也许是我不想呢
Yeah.
是啊
And look for me next month on the cover of Maxim.
下个月我就能上Maxim杂♥志♥封面
I'll have nothing on but the vacuum.
一丝不掛 就拿个吸尘器
Hey,you're up early
嗨 你起的挺早啊
Yes,Alan,I'm up early.
是的 艾伦 我起的很早
I went to bed early and I slept alone.
我睡的很早 而且是一个人睡
Anything else you wanna know?
你还想知道什么?
Was I this cranky when I wasn't having sex?
我没有性生活的时候 有这么暴躁吗?
No,you were more of a sullen whiner.
不 你更像个闷闷不乐的怨妇
Okay,Huggy Bear,I gotta go
好了 抱抱熊 我要走了
Oh,all right,Kandi,have a good day.
好的 康迪 玩的开心
Yo,Daisy Mae.
嗨 黛西·梅
Just out of curiosity,when you leave here,where is it you go?
只是好奇 你出去后要去哪儿?
To the gym.
去体育馆
I have to take care of my body because it's my instrument.
我要去锻炼身材 这是我的工具[双关 乐器]
Mine too.
我的也是
Three beers and a bratwurst and my ass turns into a French horn.
三杯啤酒 一根腊肠下肚 我的屁♥股♥就成圆号♥了[放屁]
Really?
真的?
Whenever I have beer and bratwurst I just fart a lot.
我喝啤酒吃腊肠 就只会放屁
Okay.Okay,Kandi,well,I'll see you tonight.
好了 康迪 晚上见
Bye,everybody.
再见 各位
Congratulations,Alan.
恭喜你 艾伦
It looks like you've officially boinked her brains out.
看起来你终于把她脑袋"干"傻了
Okay,so she's not overly sophisticated.
好吧 她不是很世故
Sophisticated?
世故?
She's two marbles rolling around in a tin can.
她的铁皮脑袋里就是2个珠子来回打转
Hey,hey,she's got a great heart,she's warm and loving.
嘿 她有著宽广的心胸 热情而可爱
And she genuinely cares for me
而且她真诚待我
I stand corrected.
我更正
One marble.
一个珠子
Look,buddy,I'm happy you finally found an
听着 伙计 我很高兴你终于找到了
instrument to play that isn't in your own pants.
玩乐的"乐器" 不是裤子里那个
But she's been spending a lot of time here.
但是她在这里待的时间太长了
If you're not careful,she's gonna wanna move in.
如果一个不小心 她很快就会搬进来的
Would that be so bad?
这有什么不好的?
Hey,I don't have a lot of rules around here
嘿 我这儿没什么太多的规矩
but nine of the top ten are just different ways of saying:
但前十条里九条都是换着法儿在说
"Women are not allowed to live here."
"女人不得住在这里"
They come and they go.
她们来了又去
Often they do one of those multiple times,
经常来来回♥回♥好些次
but in the end they always go.
但是最终她们都会走的
But why is that so important?
但是这有什么重要的?
Alan,there's a natural balance in this house,which must not be upset.
艾伦 这个房♥子里有著无法变更的自然平衡
It's like the Amazon rain forest.
像是亚马逊雨林
You bring in one too many spider monkeys you're up to your ass in tree frogs.
如果引进太多的蛛猴还没等你注意 已经遍地都是树蛙了
Oh tree frogs.
哦 树蛙
That clears up everything.
明白了
Don't patronize me,you hump-happy simpleton.
不要敷衍我 你这个自我陶醉的笨蛋
You know what I'm saying
你知道我在说什么
I do.If Kandi were to move in here
我知道 你是说如果康迪住进来的话
it would be an environmental disaster of epic proportions
将会带来大面♥积♥的环境灾害
Exactly.
完全没错
I guess,it's bad time to tell you that
我猜 现在不该告诉你
She's been living here the past three weeks.
她过去三周都住在这里
What?
什么?
Who's the simpleton now?
现在谁成笨蛋了?
Kandi got evicted from her apartment three weeks ago and she moved in here.
康迪三周前被赶出公♥寓♥ 然后搬进这里
Oh,please,if a woman was living in my own house for that long...
拜托 如果有女人在我房♥子里住了这么久 我想我会注意到的
...I think I'd notice.
真的?真的吗?
Oh,really?Really?Well,let's try a little experiment.
我们来做个小试验
What color is the couch in the living room?
客厅里的沙发是什么颜色的?
The couch?
沙发?
No peeking.
不准偷看
What color is it?
什么颜色?
Well,it's kind of a...
呃...是...
Beige...ish..
米色
Tan.
棕褐色
You sure?
确定吗?
Yeah,I'm sure.
是的 肯定没错
Go look
去看看吧
Fine.
好啊
What the hell is that?
这是什么鬼东西?
Your couch.
你的沙发
Jake spilled grape juice on it last summer.I had it reupholstered.
今年夏天杰克把葡萄汁洒到上面了 我重新装过椅面
Last summer?
今年夏天?
Yeah,it was gone almost a month.
是啊 差不多过了一个月了
Berta and I bet on how long it would take you to notice.
波塔和我打赌你多久才会发现
I had 50 bucks on never.
我赌50元 永远不会发现
All right,all right this is unacceptable.
好吧 好吧 真是让人难以接受
This is my house and if furniture's gonna get reupholstered or
这是我的房♥子 如果家俱需要翻新
moved or changed in any way whatsoever,I demand to be consulted.
或是挪窝 或是更换 无论什么 都要跟我商量
Okay,from now on.I promise Thank you.
好的 从现在开始 我保证 谢谢
I bought the damn thing.
这可是我买♥♥的
Think I'd have a vote,maybe show me a swatch.
我应该有发言权的 该给我看看样品布条什么的
Hey,wait a minute,did somebody say Kandi's living here?
嘿 等一下 谁说康迪住在这里来着?
Boy,am I thirsty.
天哪 渴死我了
That's because you sweat so much during sex.
那是因为你嗨咻的时候流太多汗了
I may not have the biggest boat in the marina.
也许我的船在码头算不上最大的[意指 小♥弟♥弟♥]
But nobody rows harder than me.
但没人像我划的那么卖♥♥力
You have a boat?
你有船?
No,sweetie,what I meant was... Hey,hey,hey.
没有 宝贝 我说的是 嘿 嘿
Some of us don't wanna hear about your little dinghy.
这儿有人不想听你说你的小船
Oh,hi,Charlie
嗨 查理
What're you doing here?
你在这里干什么?
I was asking myself the same thing...
知道吗 我也问自己同样的问题
...so I did a little research and it turns out it's my house.
我想了一下 答案是 这是我家
Yeah,but I thought you were going out.
没错 但我以为你出去了
I did go out.
我是出去了
And then I came back
然后我又回来了
Alone?
一个人?
No,Alan,I brought home an invisible cocktail waitress.
不是 艾伦 我带回来 一位隐身的鸡尾酒女招待
She's doing me even as we speak.
我们说话的时候 她都在给我"服务"
You're right.There's no way you could've been that cranky.
你说的没错 你不可能会那么暴躁的
You want some company,Charlie?
你需要人陪陪吗 查理?
Alan can't have sex again for at least 30 minutes.
艾伦 至少30分钟内都不能再嗨咻
That's a rough estimate.
只是粗略估计
Thanks,but I'd really rather be alone.
谢谢 我最好还是一个人待着
Okey-doke.
好吧
Come on,I think he wants to masturbate.
走吧 我想他要手♥淫♥
Not for at least 30 minutes.
至少再过30分钟
Okay,I haven't sampled anything from the other
好吧 自从和感恩至死 一起旅行后
side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead.
我就再也没有尝过什么好东西
But golly Moses,she's a muffin.
我的神啊 她真是极品"松饼"[正点]
Interesting turn of events,huh?
有趣的形势变化 是吧?
Your brother hitting one of your hand-me-downs.
你弟弟搞上了你的二手货
And you couldn't get laid if you painted your penis to look like money.
而且你现在的情形是 有钱也嗨咻不了
Don't think I haven't tried.
我不是没有试过
I'm reminded of the tale of the tortoise and the hare.
让我想起了龟兔赛跑的故事
Isn't there something you could be doing?
你难道没別的事情可做吗?
Well,I could go rub some oil on her,but I don't trust myself.
好吧 我可以去给她身上擦油 不过怕自己把持不住
Berta,please don't take this the wrong way...
波塔 不要误会
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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