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What should I do?
我知道我希望你怎么做
I know what I want you to do,
-但也许你不想这么做 -什么
- but you may not want to. - What?
我说我知道我希望你怎么做
Uh, I said I know what I want you to do.
不不 这句我听见了...
No, no, no, I heard that. Um...
你希望我怎么做
What do you want me to do?
给他提供假消息
Feed him false information.
你认识特拉维斯·利奥波德吗
Do you know who Travis Leopold is?
-不认识 -他是一名房♥地♥产♥大亨
- No. - He's a real estate magnate
给了你们律所800万的生意
with $8 million in business at your law firm.
-我从没听说过他 -因为是我刚编的
- I never heard of him. - Because I just made him up.
要是你♥爸♥问起你的工作 装作很忧虑的样子
If your dad asks about your business, act worried.
他会问你忧虑什么
He'll ask you why you're worried.
你就告诉他你不能说
You tell him you can't talk about it.
如果他没问了 他就没有戴窃听器
If he lets it go, he's not wearing a wire.
但如果他追问下去
But if he pushes you,
你就告诉他阿德里安·博斯曼为利奥波德先生
tell him Adrian Boseman backdated earnings
倒填了收益日期 帮他逃税
for Mr. Leopold to help him with his taxes.
利奥波德先生就给了你们律所
And Mr. Leopold gifted your firm
80万作为回报
with a bonus of $800,000.
我做不到
I can't do that.
是 是
Yeah, yeah.
我就说了你可能不愿意这么做
That's why I said you might not want to do it.
还有一个方法就是别去见你♥爸♥
I mean, the other option is don't see your dad.
好吧...
Okay, um...
-起来吧 -谢谢
- Oh. Here we go. - Thank you.
但如果你要这么做 记得录音
Oh, uh, but if you do do it, record it.
就把手♥机♥打开 然后...
Just turn on your iPhone and, uh...
点一下"录音"键
...hit "Record."
你明晚想跟我一起吃晚饭吗
Wanna have dinner with me tomorrow night?
晚饭...
Dinner...
还是正式晚饭
or dinner dinner?
你得说说有什么不同
You'll have to explain the difference.
晚饭就是上♥床♥
Dinner is fucking.
正式晚饭就是约会 然后再上♥床♥
Dinner dinner is a date, then fucking.
好吧 是正式晚饭
Mm, okay. Dinner dinner.
不去
No.
你好 我是菲利克斯·斯塔普斯
Hi, I'm Felix Staples.
我的偶像是克里斯托弗·希钦斯
My heroes are Christopher Hitchens,
克里斯托弗·希钦斯:美国最负盛名的专栏作家、记者、评论员
温德姆·刘易斯 安德鲁·布雷巴特
Wyndham Lewis, Andrew Brietbart,
温德姆·刘易斯:英国现代派运动"漩涡主义"的创立者
安德鲁·布雷巴特:美国激进右翼网络媒体创始人
伊扎克·拉宾和莉儿·金
Yitzhak Rabin, and Lil' Kim.
伊扎克·拉宾:以色列总理 1995年被刺杀
莉儿·金:美国饶舌黑人女歌♥手
你好 斯塔普斯先生
Hello, Mr. Staples.
我们是来听你的上诉的
We've been appointed to hear your appeal.
很好 介意我站着吗
Great. Mind if I stand?
我... 请便
I... Please do.
你上次大选投给谁了
Who did you vote for in the last election?
-什么 -总统大选你投给谁了
- Excuse me? - Who did you vote for for president?
-我不便回答你的问题 -为什么
- I'm not gonna answer that. - Why not?
这与上诉无关
It's irrelevant.
是吗 你们的政♥治♥倾向与这次上诉无关
Really? Your politics are irrelevant to this?
博斯曼先生 你为希拉里·克♥林♥顿♥捐了856♥4♥美元
Mr. Boseman, you gave $8,56♥4♥ to Hillary Clinton.
戴安·洛克哈特 你给了...
Diane Lockhart, you gave...
你是从哪儿得来这些消息的
Where'd you get that?
公众记录 希拉里18860美元
Public records. $18,860 to Hillary.
芭芭拉·科斯达
Barbara Kolstad,
你给了...23000 等下 我查下...
you gave $23,000 to, wait, let me check...
不想搞错了
hmm, want to get this right.
希拉里
Hmm. Hillary.
那我呢
What about me?
你怎么了
What about you?
-我给捐了特朗普多少钱 -不知道
- How much money did I give to Trump? - I don't know.
我没有查你的捐款
I didn't check your contribution
因为这不能论证我要陈述的事实
'cause it doesn't fit my narrative.
7500美元
$7,500.
很好 你的故事是你的
Great. Write your own narrative.
我要说的是我是你们政♥治♥正确下的
Mine is that I'm a martyr
殉难者
to your political correctness.
-也许不是你的 -我赢了
- Maybe not yours. - I win.
我想你会在前五分钟
I guessed you would say "Political correctness"
提到"政♥治♥正确"
within the first five minutes.
真"有意思"
Well, that was almost funny.
你们现在处境不佳 没必要卖♥♥弄幽默
You know, you're in an unfortunate position to be funny
因为你们都是汤姆·布勒和凯蒂·布勒
because you're all Tom and Katie Buellers.
汤姆·布勒是谁
Who is Tom Bueller?
他们是费利·布勒的父母
They're the parents in Ferris Bueller.
「春天不是读书天」:美国喜剧电影
没人喜欢我父母
Nobody likes the parents.
大家都喜欢我
Everybody likes me.
对不 有趣的家伙 什么都不在乎的家伙
Right? The funny guy. The guy who doesn't care.
了解了 斯塔普斯先生
Good to know, Mr. Staples.
这就是你的申诉吗 你很有趣
Is that your appeal, that you're funny?
一部分是这样 但首先我想知道
In part, but first I'd like
你们为什么封禁我的账号♥
to know why you banned me.
我们先从你的反犹太人言论开始吧
Well, let's start with your anti-Semitic posting.
好啊 开始吧
Okay, let's do it.
"我读到你的留言"
"When I read your posts..."
有时候我觉得我们需要进行一次外科手术式屠♥杀♥
...sometimes I think we need a surgical holocaust.
把讨厌的犹太人都干掉
Just kill the irritating Jews.
怎么了
Yes?
这是你的申诉 不是我们的
It's your appeal, not ours.
我本人就是犹太人 行过割礼了
Well, I'm Jewish, circumcised.
我可以现在就掏出来给你们看
I can show you right now.
我当时是在和另一位批评内塔尼亚胡
Uh, I was arguing with another Jew who criticized Netanyahu
内塔尼亚胡:以色列总理
并想把笑脸贴纸贴到
and wanted to paste happy face stickers
所有巴基斯坦人脸上的犹太人争论
on all the Palestinian faces.
所以我脱口而出了这句会伤害到他的话
So I said what I knew would hurt him.
你是想说
Are you arguing that
犹太人就不可能反犹了吗
someone who's Jewish can't be anti-Semitic?
不
No.
我想说的是我的评论是政♥治♥言论
I'm arguing my post was political
而不是反犹太人言论
and not anti-Semitic.
对吗 我本可以这么写
Right? I-I could've written
"恕我直言 先生 我不同意你的观点"
"With all due respect, sir, I disagree with you."
当然可以这么说 但那就伤不到他了
Sure, but that wouldn't have hurt him.
-而我想伤到他 -造成身体上的伤害吗
- And I wanted to hurt him. - Physically?
不 我想让他哭
No, I wanted to make him to cry.
我想让他因为他那些被反犹分子屠♥杀♥的
I want to make him cry for his poor dead ancestors slaughtered
已故先人而哭
by anti-Semites.
我明白你想在这里把自己粉饰成受害者
I understand you want to make yourself the victim here,
斯塔普斯先生 但实际上你是
Mr. Staples, but you are
一位另类右翼势力领导者
a leader of the alt-right.
另类右翼都讨厌同性恋 不是吗
The alt-right, ma'am, hates gays, don't they?
-大多数是这样 -他们讨厌同性恋婚姻
- Well, for the most part. - They hate gay marriage,
他们信教 他们是保守主义者
they're religious, they're conservative,
而我
and yet, I... do...
戴米恩
Damian?
我并不想这样的
I didn't want to have to...
戴米恩是我花50美元叫来的同性恋男妓
Damian is a gay prostitute
-他可以当场给我口♥交♥ -好了 够了
- whom I paid $50 to blow me right now. - Okay. All right.
这买♥♥卖♥♥太划算了实在不能错过
Too good of a deal to pass up.
跟你们说了我是犹太人
Told you I was Jewish.
好了 好了 我们明白你的意思了
All right, all right, you made your point.
现在这里谁是保守主义者
Who's the conservative?
谁又是恐同者 先生
Who's the homophobe, sir?
反正不是我
Not me.
如果可能的话 我立刻就可以
Look, I would... I'd be a heterosexual in a second,
变成一位异性恋
if I could be,
但我愿意当着你们的面
but I'm willing to be fellated
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