最后一人（2011）

Last Man Standing S06E09

Part 2 March 19, 2021, 1:02 p.m.

我早就知道你可以在整个丹佛面前狂拽酷炫的
You know, I knew that you
would rock the face off Denver.
好吧其实我是想说目前为止我都还没有签到一单录音
Yeah. I-I mean, I don't
have a big record deal yet,
不过即使Bob Dylan也得卖♥♥一年鞋子所以……
but even Bob Dylan had to
sell shoes for a year, so...
-嗨 -嘿
-Hi.
-Hey.
呃不是我想催你
Um, I hate to rush you.
但是我想问问你的演讲准备得如何了？
I just wanted to see how
the speech was coming along.
好吧不是我想自夸
Well, I hate to brag...
我这是骗谁呢我太爱自夸了
Who am I kidding? I love to brag.
是啊
Yeah.
这篇演讲简直精彩绝伦
It's fantastic, you know?
有压力的时候我就能干得特别棒
I work good under pressure.
我这方面的能力跟林肯很像呢
I'm kind of like Lincoln in that way.
嗯
Mm.
要是他有那么厉害的话他们就不应该
If he was so great, they wouldn't have
在第一部电影的结尾就把他弄死啊
killed him off at the
end of the first movie.
呃你提交讲稿之前想要我帮你核查一下吗？
Um... do you want me to give you
some notes before you send it in?
为什么提交？什么意思？
Why... Send it in? What do you mean?
学院委员会要在检查过轻微攻击／隐性冒犯情况后
The faculty committee needs to approve it
确认核准可以做演讲
after they check for micro-aggressions.
轻微攻击？
Micro-aggressions?
你是说类似侏儒战士的伤害吗？
You mean, like, midget warriors?
不是是指那些会引起人反感的字眼
No. They're objectionable words or phrases.
就比如“侏儒战士”
For instance, "midget warriors."
我知道什么是轻微攻击／隐性冒犯
I know what micro-aggressions are.
就是自♥由♥党最近折腾出来的不让言论自♥由♥的招数
It's the latest liberal
attack at free speech.
而且你要是轻微攻击对了还是很有趣的
And a lot of fun if you do them right.
学校有一个清单写明了不允许演讲者说的字眼
The university has a list of stuff
they don't allow speakers to say.
你懂的保护学生们免受伤害
You know, to protect the students.
什么伤害？来自灵感的伤害？
From what, ideas?
这不过就是我们学校的行事风格罢了爸爸
It's just the way that my
school does things, dad.
拜托我今年就指着它保我不挂科了
Please. My grade is riding on this.
好吧
Fine!
好这样
All right.
假装你介绍我时响起了雷鸣般的掌声
Just pretend like you introduced
me to thunderous applause.
好
Sure.
某位女士在第一排兴奋得昏过去了
Some lady faints in the front row.
-“女士们先生们” -好停
-"Ladies and gentlemen ..."
-Okay, stop.
没事啦他们会把她扶起来的
No, they'll pick her up.
拜托救护车把她带走吧
Come on, EMS. Get her out of here.
不是呃你不能说“女士们先生们”
No, uh, you can't say
"ladies and gentlemen,"
因为这样会把那些两者皆非的人们排除在外
because it excludes those
who don't identify as either.
嗯但是这事儿只有两个选项啊
Hmm. But those are the only two choices.
不是现在已经不是了
No, not anymore.
你就保持性别中立态度就好
You just have to keep
it gender-neutral, okay?
请继续吧
Please continue.
“嗨各位”
"Hey, everybody."
“美国是个遍地机遇的地方”
"America is the land of opportunity.
-我站在各位面前…… -停！
-I stand before you as ..."
-Stop!
好吧你说美国是一片遍地机遇的国土
Okay, by saying that America's
the land of opportunity,
就会暗示人人都能有相同的机遇
you are implying that everyone
has the same opportunities.
我不是在暗示我就是要明说
I'm not implying it. I'm saying it.
只要你住这儿并努力工作你就能成功
If you live here and you
work hard, you can succeed.
机遇就是这样开花结果的
That's how this works.
呃是这些字眼也在清单里
Uh... yeah, that one's on here, too.
这会伤害那些明明努力工作了却没有成功的人
It hurts the feelings of those
who work hard and don't succeed.
把那玩意儿给我
Give me that.
不伤害他人感受的字眼清单在哪儿？
Where's the list of stuff that
doesn't hurt people's feelings?
那种清单肯定超级短吧
That's got to be a short one.
爸爸你不明白我们学校对这种事情看得多重
You have no idea how seriously
my school takes this stuff, dad.
想想好的一面嘛
And remember the greater good here.
你在帮我使诈保道德课不挂科啊
You're helping me scam
my way to passing ethics.
这清单简直有病
This list is insane.
我要是按它的来我就违背一切我所信仰的东西了
If I go by these rules, I'll be going
against everything I believe in.
我知道不过也就违背15分钟嘛
I know, but just for 15 minutes.
-谢谢你了爸爸 -不不不
-Thank you, Dad.
-No, no, no.
你不能叫我“爸爸” 要是我定义为“妈妈”呢？
Can't call me "Dad." What
if I identify as "Mom"?
我们的大演讲家来啦
There he is... The Great Orator.
是呀
Yeah.
那个典礼的演讲准备的如何啦 Mikey？
How's that commencement
speech going, Mikey?
简直可怕
Terrible.
Mandy的大学是那种象牙塔似的安全区
Mandy's college is one
of those safe spaces.
不按他们的规矩来你就会被喝止
You have to conform,
or you're shouted down.
肯定红色中国有类似的机制
I believe Red China had a similar program.
不过喝止会少些枪子儿多些
Except there was less
shouting and more shooting.
这是个不允许我说的字眼的清单因为我可能会冒犯某些人
It's a list of stuff I'm not allowed to
say, 'cause I might offend somebody.
我要是去了这种学校我能被允许做的事可能就只剩耸耸肩了
If I went to the school, all
I'd be able to do is shrug.
很多学校现在都这样做了
A lot of schools are doing that now.
但是Cammy的学校不搞这种机制
But Cammy's school is pushing back.
他们支持公开辩论还说如果学生随随便便就觉得被冒犯了
They support open debate and told the
kids if they're easily offended,
他们就应该自己换个大学
they should find a different college.
是呀换去我要做蠢演讲的那所大学嘛
Yeah, well, they headed over to the
college I'm giving the stupid speech at.
现在外面的世界已经彻底改变了 Mikey
It's a whole new world out there, Mikey.
我们是时候进棺材了
It's time to die.
这要我怎么说呢
What am I supposed to say?
“晚上好碳元素组成的各个生命体”
"Good evening,
carbon-based life-forms."
“在生意场上你成不成功无所谓”
"In business, it doesn't
matter if you succeed,
“只要你努力了或者不努力也行”
as long as you try... or don't try.
“你开心就好”
However you feel.
“双手合十（印度）”
Namaste."
我去什么时候感受成了世界上最重要的东西了？
Man, when did feelings become the
most important thing in the world?
我小时候根本没有感受这玩意儿
When I was a kid, there were no feelings.
那是50年代那些披头士们发明的东西
（确切来说是“垮掉的一代”）
That was invented in the '50s by beatniks.
我还有点惊讶你居然站我这边
Kind of surprised you're
on my side about this.
哦当然啦伙计
Oh, absolutely, man.
他们说他们在与无意识的种族歧视做斗争
They say they're fighting
subconscious racism.
是啊
Right.
但是我都没觉得我们赢了有意识的种族歧视战争
But I wasn't aware we won
the war on conscious racism.
所以如果我叫你“先生”的时候你觉得被冒犯了我只能说不好意思
So excuse me if you get offended
when I call you a gentleman...
-是啊 -你要知道有人对我的称呼比你糟糕多了
-Yeah.
-...but I've been called much worse.
是啊
Right.
也许我该反击回去
Maybe it is time I push back...
保护孩子们免受那些自以为在保护他们的人的伤害
protect those kids from people
who are trying to protect them.
是啊 Mike Baxter就该有Mike Baxter的样子
Yeah. Let Mike Baxter be Mike Baxter.
也许我可以用波兰人的笑话开头
（很多经典笑话都是波兰人的段子）
Maybe I'll open up with a Polish joke.
就讲那个保龄球在浴缸里的笑话
Do the one about the
bowling ball in the bathtub.
那个很经典
It's a classic.
我超喜欢那个！
I love that one!