好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S12E15
Part 2
Nov. 18, 2020, 5:10 p.m.
妈妈 我说了 我不是为了钱来的
Really? Nothing?
真的吗 屁都没有吗
It's not because I don't love you.
并不是因为我不爱你
I just don't want to give you a reason to kill me.
只是我不想给你谋杀我的动机
You mean another reason.
你是说多一个谋杀你的动机
Where are all these morbid thoughts coming from?
你这些病态的思想都打哪儿来的
As long as I've known you,
据我对你的了解
you've never been much of a thinker.
你从来就不是个思考者
Or a... A doer or a provider or...
也不是实干者 更不是供应者 也不是...
pretty much anything with "Er" at the end.
几乎任何以"者"结尾的人
Maybe I've been asking all these questions because
我会思考这些问题主要是因为
the anniversary of Charlie's death is coming up.
查理的忌日马上就要到了
So? So I was thinking
所以呢 所以我想
it might be nice to do something to commemorate it.
做点事来悼念他
Like what? Snort coke off a hooker's butt?
比如什么 在妓♥女♥屁♥股♥上吸白粉吗
Uh, actually, uh, uh, more like, uh,
事实上更像是...
make a... a memorial collage.
做一个纪念拼贴集
A what?
什么
A... A memorial collage.
一个纪念拼贴集
You know, a collection of images celebrating his life.
收集起来那种记录他一生的图片
Uh, things like, uh, his birth certificate,
比如说他的出生证明
uh, family pictures, death certificate,
家庭照片 死亡证明
uh, awards, sheet music, diplomas,
奖状 乐谱 毕业证
death certificate, um...
死亡证明
I don't know how much I can help you.
我不知道能帮上多少
I-I've got his birth certificate,
我有出生证明
a few baby pictures,
一些婴儿时期的照片
the little hash pipe he made in camp.
他在露营时做的小大♥麻♥筒
No death certificate?
没有死亡证明
No.
没有
I-I just thought you had it.
我还以为在你那
Oh. Well, bye.
好吧 再见
I'm sorry.
抱歉
I can't find any record of your brother's death.
我真的找不到任何你哥哥死亡的证明
You sure? Uh, newspapers, obituaries?
确定吗 报纸 讣告什么的
No, I checked everything on Charlie Harper--
没有 我把查理·哈勃的什么都查了
both here and in France-- and...
这里和法国 还有...
I-I found a bunch of weird self-shot sex videos,
我还找到了一堆诡异性♥爱♥自♥拍♥
including one featuring what appears to be
尤其其中有一段影片是跟
the USC men's water polo team?
整队南加州男子水球队一起"合拍"的
I also found this crazy rant about a former employer.
还有一个骂前老板[编剧]的疯狂咆哮视频
But there's nothing about his death.
但没有任何死亡的信息
How is that possible?
怎么可能呢
Did you ever see the body?
你看过尸体了吗
There was no body. The man was hit by a train.
没有尸体了 他被火车撞了
All that was left was a...
只留下了...
a meat smoothie and a couple of teeth.
人肉碎和几颗牙
Well, how do you know he's really dead?
你怎么知道他真的死了
Well, of course he's dead. I have his ashes.
他当然死了 我还有他的骨灰呢
How do you know that they're his ashes?
你怎么知道那是他的骨灰
Well, what do you want me to do, test them for herpes?
你想让怎么办 拿去验疱疹吗
** Twinkle, twinkle, little star *
* 一闪一闪亮晶晶
** I always know just where you are *
* 我就知道你在我家
* In a pit below my house
* 地下室的大坑里
** You will always be my spouse. *
* 永远和我是夫妻
Oh, boy.
糟了
Never put a window in a dungeon.
永远不要在地牢里装窗户
Yes, I am calling about the $2.5 million
是的 我打来是询问关于
in unclaimed royalties for Charlie Harper.
查理·哈勃未认领的两百五十万美元
Uh, uh, good news.
好消息
Uh, I have just received
我刚刚收到从法国
the death certificate from France.
邮寄过来的死亡证明
Uh, it's in French and everything
都是法语写的
so you know it's real.
一看就是真的
Oh, oh, sure, I'll hold.
当然 我等着
Uh, "Cause de deces."
"死亡原因"[法文]
Uh... uh, Le...
被...
train.
火车撞死
Oh, yes, yes, I'm still here.
在 在 我还在听
What?
什么
It's already been claimed?
已经被认领了
By whom?
被谁领走了
Was it an older red-headed woman
是不是一个红发老太太
wearing a coat made of Dalmatians?
穿着斑点狗皮的大衣
What do you mean, you can't tell me?
什么叫你不能透露
A... A numbered account in the Cayman Islands?
一个开曼群岛的账户
That makes no sense.
不可能啊
FedEx just dropped off a box addressed to Charlie.
联邦快递邮来了给查理的快件
Uh... uh, uh, I'll call you back.
我一会打给你
If that's a blow-up sex doll, can I have it?
如果是充气性♥爱♥娃娃 能给我吗
My grandkids need a pool toy.
我孙子们需要泳池玩具
Cuban cigars?
古巴雪茄
Charlie's favorite smokes.
查理最爱的雪茄
Single malt scotch?
单一麦芽苏格兰威士忌
Charlie's favorite breakfast.
查理最爱的早餐
What the hell?
搞什么鬼
Looks the knife he used to chase you around the house with.
看起来像他追着你满屋跑时拿着的刀
Yeah, that's it.
没错就是它
"I'm coming home, and you're going to pay."
"我要回家了 你会付出代价的"
That's got to be a wrong number.
这号♥码肯定是发错了
You never pay for anything.
你从未为任何事物"付"过
Walden! Alan?
沃顿 艾伦
Ms. McMartin, I'm sorry. Uh, where's Walden?
麦克马丁小姐 抱歉 沃顿在哪儿
I'm a little busy, Alan.
忙着呢 艾伦
Oh, okay.
那没事了
Uh, are-are you aware she's reading Cosmo?
你知道她在看《时尚》吗
It's a how-to article.
是在看里面的入门指导
Well, it's not so much "how to,"
这不是入门指导
as "How to do it better."
而是教你"如何入得更好"
Seriously?
真的吗
Hey. Even Tiger Woods needs a swing coach.
就连老虎伍兹也需要挥杆教练号♥吗
Listen, can you just come back in,
听着 你能等下再来吗
like, what, 20 minutes?
大概20分钟后
No. This can't wait. Look at this text.
不行 等不及了 你看这个
Okay, that can't be for you.
那不是发给你的
You never pay for anything.
你从未为任何事物"付"钱
I think, somehow, some way...
我想也许
Charlie is still alive.
查理还活着
Okay, this is ridiculous.
这太荒唐了
There's more. A package came addressed to him.
还有呢 有个寄给他的包裹
Oh, is it something that vibrates?
是会震动的棒子之类的吗
'Cause I could really use some help with this.
正好咱们派得上用场
He ain't lying.
他说得没错
No. It's-it's-it's not sex toys.
这不是性♥爱♥玩具
I am telling you, Charlie is coming back,
跟你说 查理回来了
and he is not happy with me.
他对我一肚子火
Well, at the moment, neither am I.
我也对你一肚子火啊
Should I go?
我需要回避吗
No, no, no, no, no. We're so close.
别别别 咱们快进入"正题"了
Walden, it's like you said.
这就像你说的
I mean, there was no proof that Charlie ever died.
没有任何证据证明查理死掉了
All we have is Rose's word.
我们只有罗斯的一面之词
Who's Rose?
谁是罗斯
Oh, she's this crazy millionairess
她拥有百万资产
that used to stalk Charlie,
酷爱跟踪查理
and then he married her.
后来他和她结婚了
And then she started stalking me.
然后她就开始跟踪我了
Why? Did you sleep with her?
为什么 你跟她上♥床♥了吗
Alan slept with her, too.
艾伦也和她上过床
Hey, after 12 years,
拜托 12年后
everybody's slept with everybody.
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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