好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S12E13
Part 2
Nov. 18, 2020, 5:10 p.m.
Like you.
就像你
Uh, and I don't care how long it takes to find it.
我不在乎要花上多长时间
You have two weeks.
你只有两周
Two weeks?
两周
That's-that's plenty of time to find an apartment
用来找公♥寓♥足够了
and finish Alan Harper: Vampire Hunter.
还可以完成艾伦·哈勃所著《吸血鬼猎人》
There you are!
你来了
There you are!
你来啦
In my kitchen. Holding a knife.
在我的厨房♥ 拿着一把刀
Oh, I'm sorry.
抱歉
I wanted to surprise you.
我只是想给你个惊喜
Well, I peed a little, so...
我都惊出尿了
good job.
你成功了
Wh-Who... How did you get in here?
你怎么进来的
Berta.
波塔
I told her I was cooking for you.
我告诉她我是来为你做饭
She said, "Great. Clean the toilets, too."
她说 很好 顺便把厕所也打扫了
Then she grabbed a six-pack and she went home.
然后她带着半打啤酒就回家了
So it's just me and you.
所以只剩下你和我了
There's no witnesses.
连个人证都没有啊
You are so funny.
你可真搞笑
It's like dating Jimmy Fallon.
就像和吉米·肥伦约会一样
I'm making you crab cakes.
我为你做了蟹肉饼
What...? Really? I love crab cakes.
真的吗 我喜欢吃蟹肉饼
I know.
我知道
You told me the happiest summer you ever had
你说你最开心的夏天
was when your family rented that house in Maryland
就是你家在马里兰租了小屋
and your grandpa took you crabbing.
你外公带你去捉螃蟹
I remember when we were there and he said,
我记得他当时说
"You know, when you turn 18, I'm gonna take you to Vegas
等你满18岁了 我会带你去维加斯
and we'll get a different kind of crabs."
到时候我们捉的就是另一种螃蟹[阴虱]了
Then he laughed.
然后他哈哈大笑
Oh, how Boompa loved his hookers.
我外公真是好爱那些妓♥女♥啊
Hey, this is very nice, but maybe next time...
你人太好了 不过下次...
Oh! I also have your favorite dessert.
我还给你准备了最爱的甜点
Did I tell you about Gam-Gam's apple pie?
我跟你提过外婆的苹果派吗
That's not Gam-Gam's pie.
这可不是外婆的苹果派啊
Oh, hey. Where you been?
你去哪儿了
Apartment hunting.
去找公♥寓♥了
Are you... Really?
什么...真的假的
Oh, my God, you do hear my prayers.
上帝啊 你真听见我的祷告了
Don't get excited. It was for Lyndsey.
别高兴太早 是帮林赛找
Oh. Damn you.
你个没用的
But get this: She asked me to move in with her.
不过 她让我搬去和她一起住
All right, you got me.
算你有良心
There's no way I'm doing it.
那是不可能的
Ah, you're dead to me!
我再也不相信你了
So, uh, how's it going with Ms. McCrazy?
你和麦克疯婆子小姐如何了
You know what? That'll be enough of that.
不许再这么喊她
Oh, sorry.
抱歉
She might be listening.
她可能在听着呢
Seriously, Ms. McMartin is a genuinely nice person.
说真的 麦克马丁小姐人挺不错
I feel bad about, like, stringing her along.
我觉得我不该骗她
Yeah, but you can't break up with her.
但你不能和她提分手
It'll jeopardize the adoption.
否则领养这事就得黄
I know, but, like, lying to her
我知道 可这么欺骗她
just seems cowardly and selfish.
显得胆小又自私
Well, you know what they say.
你知道人们怎么说吗
One man's cowardly and selfish
一个人胆小自私
is another man's approach to everything in life.
是另一个人对待生活一切事物的方法
No, you know what?
可你知道吗
She didn't take Louis away
她知道我俩是假结婚以后
when she found out our marriage was fake.
并没带走路易斯
And she didn't take him away when you dumped her, so...
你甩了她 她也没有带走他 所以
Like, she's gonna do the right thing.
她做事是有原则的
So am I.
我也是
Good for you.
那就好
You make me want to be a better man.
你让我想变成一个好人
Hey, uh, I-is Louis home?
路易斯在家吗
No, he's staying at a friend's house.
不在 他去朋友家玩了
Good. I can watch porn without headphones.
棒 这下看成人片不用戴耳机了
Oh, I get it now.
我懂了
I'm in hell.
原来我在地狱
Come on, baby.
来嘛 宝贝
Get off that laptop and get on top of this lap.
别玩你腿上的电脑了 来我腿上玩呗
I'm trying to find us a place to live.
我在给我俩找房♥子呢
Oh! How about this one?
你看这个怎么样
It's got a community hot tub.
还附带多人热水浴缸
Yes, that's great.
真不错啊
Uh, because when I'm stuck in traffic,
因为我在路上塞车的时候
uh, and I look at the stranger in the next car
会看看旁边车里的人
and he's picking his nose, I'm always thinking,
他在抠鼻屎 我就会想
"Boy, I'd like to sit in stagnant water with that guy."
"天啊 我好想和他一起坐在臭水沟里"
Okay, no hot tub.
好吧 不要热水浴缸
Hey, how about a two-bedroom loft downtown?
这个 市中心两室带阁楼的怎么样
It's got a washer and dryer.
还送洗衣机和烘干机
And no green space for my herb garden.
没地方种我的草药
Do you even know me?
你真的了解我吗
Okay.
好吧
Describe your perfect place.
请描述一下你理想的房♥子
Uh, it's a beautiful home,
那是一个美丽的家
it's on the beach,
坐落在海滩上
it has a housekeeper
配备女管家
and it's owned by a billionaire
房♥主是个不监管零钱罐的
who doesn't monitor his change jar.
亿万富翁
You're just describing this house.
这不就你现在住的房♥子吗
Wow, you're right.
这都被你发现啦
That worked out. Let's have sex.
搞定了 我们做♥爱♥吧
Alan...
艾伦
I've made a lot of changes in my life
我的人生做出了很多改变
and I was excited about starting all over with you,
能和你重新开始我真的很开心
but I cannot go through this same pattern
但我不想又像以前一样
over and over again.
周而复始
You love this house more than you love me.
你爱这栋房♥子胜过爱我
Oh, I'm sorry. Was that a question?
对不起 那是个问句吗
Good-bye, Alan.
再见了 艾伦
Oh, come... This is so unfair.
别啊 这不公平
Until you went to rehab last month,
上个月你找我复合时
you loved vodka more than me.
你不是也爱伏特加胜于爱我吗
And when I've had too much house,
而且我不会因为"房♥子"太多
I don't get naked in the Walmart.
而裸体逛沃尔玛
Oh, hey, uh, Berta.
波塔
When Ms. McMartin gets here,
麦克马丁小姐来的时候
can you give us some privacy?
给我俩一点私人空间好吗
I gotta talk to her.
我有话要和她说
Oh, God.
天啊
When are you gonna stop proposing to all these women?
你什么时候才能不向这些女人求婚
Zoey, Kate...
佐伊 凯特
Alan.
艾伦
Actually, I'm gonna break up with her.
其实 我是想和她分手
If you want, I can pull together a breakup kit
如果需要 我可以帮你做一个"分手宝盒"
like I used to do for Charlie.
我以前就也这么帮查理
It's a pint of Haagen Dazs,
只需要一品脱哈根达斯
a bottle of wine
一瓶红酒
and the only copy of your sex tapes.
还有你们性♥爱♥录像的唯一一份拷贝
Hey, Walden.
沃顿
Hey, Berta!
波塔
What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?
你最喜欢什么口味的冰激凌
Why?
怎么了
No reason.
没什么
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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