好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S12E03
Part 1
Nov. 18, 2020, 5:08 p.m.
Previously on Two and a Half Men...
《好汉两个半》前情提要
I almost died, Alan.
我差点死掉 艾伦
But the important thing is you didn't.
但重要的是你没有死
Other than you guys and my mom, I got nobody.
除了你们和我妈 我就没有别人了
At least you got Jake.
至少你还有杰克
I want to have a kid of my own.
我想有个自己的孩子
There's no way you're getting a baby-- you're a single guy,
因为你根本不可能领养到孩子 你是单身男性
and the system is really geared towards married couples.
本机构更倾向于已婚夫妇
Alan Harper, will you marry me?
艾伦·哈勃 嫁给我好吗
I now pronounce you married.
我宣布你们成为合法伴侣
You may kiss.
你们可以接吻了
Um, yes, this is Walden Schmidt.
是的 我是沃顿·施密特
I'd like to order a credit card for my husband,
我想要帮我的丈夫申请一张信♥用♥卡♥
Mr. Alan Harper-Schmidt.
艾伦·哈勃-施密特
Uh, yeah, and, uh, refresh my memory.
我有点忘了
What's the cash advance limit on my black card?
我黑卡的现金预借额度是多少
Holy new Rolex.
我了个大去
Oh, oh, m-my mother's maiden name?
我妈妈的婚前姓吗
Uh, I didn't really know her before she was married, so...
她结婚前我跟她不熟 所以...
Morning.
早安
Um, uh, I'll call back later.
我晚点打回来
Charities.
慈善组织
It's not like the kids won't still be starving in an hour.
反正那些可怜孩子一小时后也一样饿肚子
Hey, I was meaning to ask you something.
我一直想问你个问题
Um, what's your mother's maiden name?
你母亲的婚前姓是什么
This might be easier if I just give you my online password.
我直接给你我的网上密♥码♥就省事了吧
It's don't order credit cards in my name.
是"别用我的名义申请信♥用♥卡♥"
Right, uh, all one word, no spaces?
全连在一起 中间没空格吗
Hey, there's the newlyweds.
新婚夫妇驾到啦
I made you some honeymoon pancakes.
给你们做了蜜月松饼
They're in the shapes of hearts and arrows.
是爱心跟爱神之箭
Oh, actually, they're asses and...
其实是屁♥股♥与...[阴♥茎♥]
Uh, sure-- hearts and arrows.
行啦 是心跟爱神之箭
Alan, my arrow's twice as big as yours.
艾伦 我的"爱神之箭"是你的两倍大
Mine's life-size.
我的是真实大小
I'm still gonna be hungry.
我会吃不饱的
I just realized, Walden,
我刚刚意识到 沃顿
that I worked for you when you were single.
你还是单身的时候 我就开始为你工作
And now you're married.
而现在你结婚了
Maybe someday I'll be working for you when you're a widower.
或许我会继续做到哪天你成了鳏夫
Bacon, Zippy?
废柴 吃培根[很不健康]吗
So, how's the adoption process going?
领养的手续进展如何
Is somebody other than Alan calling you daddy?
会有除了艾伦以外的人叫你"爹爹"了吗
It's going great.
进展很顺利
We have a meeting with the social services department this week.
我们这周会跟社工部门的人碰面
Nice.
很棒啊
So, if you do get a kid, which room is he gonna live in?
所以如果你们有了孩子 他住哪间房♥
Oh, guys, I'm kind of a drunken slut,
两位 我是个醉鬼荡♥妇♥
I don't think I should share a room with a baby.
我可能不适合跟婴儿同住哦
Hey, what ya doing?
你在干嘛
Oh, paperwork for our meeting with the social worker.
在填见社工的一些文件
Um, household net worth.
家庭资产净值
Well, let's see, uh, you're worth a billion dollars,
你身价几十亿美元
so together we are worth...
所以加起来我们有...
A little bit less than a billion dollars.
比几十亿美元少一些
Hey, so Evelyn said it's cool if I crash at her place.
伊芙琳说我可以住一下她家
What, wait-- it was that easy?
什么 这么轻易就让你住吗
My mom never lets me stay there.
我妈从不让我住那里
Yeah, she's gonna let me live in the guest house.
她说让我住客舍
There's a guest house?!
她还有客舍吗
If-if you need, uh, help moving, let us know.
如果你需要我们帮忙搬家 尽管说
Thanks, but Evelyn said I could borrow the Range Rover.
谢谢 伊芙琳说我可以用她的路虎搬行李
There's a Range Rover?!
她还有台路虎吗
Oh, hey, uh, what should I put down for, uh...
我们想领养孩子的理由
why do you want to adopt a child?
我该填什么呢
'Cause we're dudes,
因为我们都是男人
and we don't have baby holes?
我们没有生孩子的洞吗
You know you have to sell yourself as a real couple, right?
你们知道你们得让人相信你们是真夫妻吧
We are a real couple.
我们是真夫妻啊
That's why we got married in the first place.
所以我们才去结婚啊
Yeah, it also gave us the chance to register at Crate & Barrel
也因此才有机会要求人送我们
for this fabulous stemware.
优质家具店的东西啊
Ding.
叮
See, you're making jokes instead of expressing real emotion.
瞧 你们是开玩笑 而不是表达真实情感
You're gonna have to prove that you're a real couple, you know?
你们得证明你们是真正的一对 懂吗
That you're in love, that you're soul mates,
你们相爱 你们是灵魂伴侣
that you can't survive without the other.
你们没对方活不下去
I actually can't survive without him.
我真的没他活不下去
I am just saying,
我告诉你们
I don't want to see you put all this work in
是不希望你们这么折腾
and not get the payoff you deserve.
结果到最后却功亏一篑
It's like when you get the tap.
就像拍拍头一样
Get the what? The tap.
什么东西 拍拍头
You know, when you're in bed with a girl,
就是跟姑娘上♥床♥的时候
and you've been down there for a while,
你头伸到她下面忙活了好一阵子了
and suddenly she gives you the
然后她突然就拍拍你的头
old thanks for trying tap on the top of the head.
对你说"够了 你努力过了"
Oh, yeah, the tap, yeah.
懂了 拍拍头 懂
I hate the tap. Mm.
最讨厌被拍拍头了
You know, I am sure that we can be believable
我相信我们能让人信服
as a loving couple.
你们是恩爱夫妻
You want to see believable? This...
你想看什么叫让人信服吗
Watch.
看好了
Alan, I love you.
艾伦 我爱你
I love you Walden.
沃顿 我也爱你
I'm sorry.
抱歉笑场
You have this one nose hair that keeps going in and out.
你有一根鼻毛跟着呼吸进进出出
And I laughed because no one could possibly love me.
我笑是因为才不会有人爱我呢
Guess what I just finished.
你猜我刚做完什么了
Once again,
再说一遍
you don't have to tell me every time you masturbate.
你不用每次打完飞机都告诉我
I will not apologize for sharing my day with you.
我不会为了我跟你分享我的生活而道歉
But that is not this.
但我不是要说那事
It is my essay describing
是我写的一份
what I love about my love about my spouse,
描述我多爱我伴侣的报告
for our meeting with the social worker.
是我为了见社工做的准备
Good. I'm so nervous about this meeting
太好了 我好为这面谈紧张
I'm somehow constipated
害我又严重便秘
and wracked with explosive diarrhea.
又有爆♥炸♥性的拉稀
You're not the only one who can share his day.
你以为只有你懂怎么分享生活吗
Well, after she reads this,
在她读完之后
there's no way she won't believe we're a couple.
她绝对不会不信我们是真实夫妻
Okay, uh, Walden is the most caring person I know.
沃顿是我认识的人里 最会照顾人的人
He always puts my needs before his own.
他总是在乎我的需要多过自己的
Uh, whether it's surprising me
无论是为我准备
with an espresso and a chocolate croissant in bed,
一杯浓缩咖啡加巧克力可颂的床上早餐
glamping in a yurt at Big Sur,
在大苏尔海岸的圆顶帐篷里露营
or sneaking up behind me in the shower with a loofah
或是在我洗澡的时候溜进来 手里拿着丝瓜络
to exfoliate those hard-to-reach places...
帮我去掉身上"私密"角落的死皮
He's my everything--
他是我的一切
my husband, my lover, my friend.
我的丈夫 我的爱人 我的朋友
My Wally Bear.
我的沃熊熊
My God.
我的天
I know.
我知道
Now read me yours.
现在念你写的吧
Okay, um...
好吧
Alan is my best friend. Loving it!
艾伦是我最好的朋友 写得好
He's 47 years old.
他47岁了
He used to be a chiropractor.
之前是一位脊椎按♥摩♥师
He has never been convicted of a felony.
他从未犯过重罪
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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