好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S12E02
Part 1
Nov. 18, 2020, 5:08 p.m.
Previously on Two and a Half Men...
《好汉两个半》前情提要
I'm dead.
我死了
You're in the hospital.
你人在医院呢
You had a mild heart attack.
你犯了轻微心脏病
I almost died, Alan.
我差点死掉 艾伦
But the important thing is you didn't.
但重要的是你没有死
Other than you guys and my mom, I got nobody.
除了你们和我妈 我就没有别人了
At least you got Jake.
至少你还有杰克
I want to have a kid of my own.
我想有个自己的孩子
You are obviously more than qualified. Thank you.
你的条件非常好 谢谢
I'd start looking at golden retriever puppies,
我会着手帮你找一只黄金猎犬幼犬
'cause there's no way you're getting a baby.
因为你根本不可能领养到孩子
You're a single guy, and the system
你是单身男性
is really geared towards married couples.
本机构更倾向于已婚夫妇
Alan Harper, will you marry me?
艾伦·哈勃 嫁给我好吗
Wait. You seriously want to marry me?
等等 你真的想娶我吗
Yes.
是的
Alan Jerome Harper,
艾伦·杰罗姆·哈勃
would you be my wi...?
你愿意当我的妻...
Hus...?
丈...
Life buddy?
人生伙伴吗
Okay, I'm a little confused.
我其实有点迷糊
And not like the time I-I got that massage from that lady-boy.
跟我某次被人妖按♥摩♥的那种"迷糊"不一样
Look, I want to adopt a kid,
我想要领养一个孩子
and the quickest way for me to do that is to get married.
而对我来说 最快的方法就是结婚
And if I'm gonna settle for someone,
如果我得随便挑个人过
it might as well be you.
还不如跟你过呢
That's exactly what my first wife said.
我第一任妻子也是这么说的
Listen, I-I know this sounds crazy,
我知道这听起来很疯狂
but you would be doing me the biggest favor of my life.
但你可以帮我这辈子最大的一个忙
Walden, there are literally millions of women
沃顿 外面有千千万万个女人
who would marry you at the drop of a hat.
抢破头都要跟你结婚
Yeah, but I wouldn't be half as happy
但跟她们在一起不会有
with any of them as I would be with you.
跟你在一起时的一半快乐
Go on.
接着说
When-when I think of the ten things I want in a wife,
我对我老婆有十个要求
you have nine of them.
你能做到其中九个
You're my best friend, you're trustworthy,
你是我最好的朋友 你值得信任
you're loving, you're smart, you'll never leave me.
你充满了爱 你很聪明 你永远不会离开我
Married or not, till death do us part.
不管结没结婚 到死都赖着你
You're funny, you're understanding.
你很幽默 你懂我心思
You don't care if I leave the toilet seat up.
你不在意我有没有把马桶座放下
I actually prefer it.
其实正合我意
Although, the other night, I forgot it was up,
不过有一天晚上 我忘了它没放下来
and I had a surprise splash-down.
我一个扑通就掉下水
I was like a turtle on its back.
感觉就像青蛙翻了身
Right there. That's another one.
你看 这又是另一个我喜欢的点
As long as you're around,
只要你在我身边
I will never be the most awkward guy in the room.
我永远不会是场上最丢人的一个
So, what's the one thing
所以我没有满足
you want in a wife that I don't have?
你对你老婆的要求的唯一一点是什么
Oh. Right, right.
懂了 懂了
I-I do not have one of those.
那个东西我没有
I barely have one of these.
我有的"这个"都不是很够数了
I mean, how would this work exactly?
所以 我是该怎么帮你呢
I mean, we're gonna pretend to be a couple?
我们就假装是一对夫妻吗
We wouldn't pretend.
我们不是假装
We're actually going to be a same-sex married couple.
我们就当一对真的同性已婚夫妻
And like most married couples, we will not have sex.
而就跟大多数已婚夫妇一样 我们不做♥爱♥
Not even on my birthday?
我生日那天也不做吗
Sorry, sorry... flashback to the first wife.
抱歉 抱歉 回想起跟前妻的往事了
So, so, I can have crazy, anonymous sex
所以我可以疯狂地跟任何女人
with any woman I want?
随便做♥爱♥吗
No. You will still be you.
不会 你始终还是原来的你
Oh.
好吧
Mr. Alan Harper-Schmidt.
艾伦·哈勃施密特先生
Dr. Alan Schmidt.
艾伦·施密特医生
What are you doing?
你在干嘛
Oh, just trying to see what sounds best.
我试试哪一种念起来比较好听
Yes, Mr. And Mr. Harper-Schmidt,
是的 哈勃施密特先生与先生
welcome back to the Four Seasons.
欢迎回到四季酒店
Your ocean front suite is ready.
你们的海景房♥已经准备妥当
Okay, cut the Schmidt.
少说屎[施密特]话了
Oh, yeah, I'd have to put up with that Schmidt.
对哦 我还得忍♥受这件屎事
But you know what? I'm gonna own it.
不过呢 我掌握得住
I don't give a Schmidt.
我才不鸟这些屎事
What are you saying?
你什么意思
I'm saying, yes, I'll marry you, you big dumb Schmidt.
我意思是好 我嫁给你 你个大笨屎密特
Oh, please tell me that's ChapStick in your pocket.
请告诉我 你裤裆鼓起的是护唇膏
Hi, Mom. Thanks for coming over.
妈 谢谢你来一趟
What is so important
什么事这么重要
that I had to leave halfway through my bikini wax?
我比基尼热蜡除毛到一半也拉我来
I look like a black and white cookie.
我下面看起来像黑白饼干
In one fell swoop, there goes cookies and vaginas.
你一句话摧毁了我对饼干与阴♥部♥的爱
What's going on?
怎么回事
Is this another intervention?
不会又是开批斗会吧
For the millionth time, I do not have a drinking problem.
我再说第一百万次 我没有酗酒问题
No, Evelyn. It's-it's a celebration.
不是 伊芙琳 这是庆祝
Well, in that case,
如果是这样
I'll have a double martini and hold the vermouth.
我要一杯双份马丁尼 别放苦艾酒哦
Hello. I'm Robin. I'm Walden's mother.
你好 我是罗宾 沃顿的妈妈
Oh, how nice to finally meet you.
很高兴终于见到你
You have a wonderful son and amazing breasts.
你有个很棒的儿子 以及很棒的双峰
Who did them?
谁的杰作
God?
上天的杰作
Well, he's still the best.
祂始终还是业界第一
Although Dr. Schenkman runs a close second.
不过申克曼医生的手艺也离他不远了
They are lovely.
的确是很棒
Okay, can everyone stop talking about my mom's boobs? God.
好了 大家可以不要在谈论我妈的胸了吗
Oh, my God, that's why I had so many friends in high school.
我终于知道为何高中时我这么多朋友了
So, what's the big announcement?
所以有什么大事要宣布
Uh... Well...
其实呢
Alan and I...
艾伦与我...
We're getting married!
我们要结婚了
Dude! What the hell! We agreed I was gonna say it.
喂 你搞毛 说好了我来宣布
Sorry, sorry. I'm just so excited.
抱歉抱歉 我太激动了
Uh, no offense, but can't you do better than Alan?
无意冒犯 但你找不到比艾伦更好的吗
Back up. You are marrying him?
等等 你要娶他吗
Yup.
是啊
What was that for?
干嘛打我
For marrying Zippy.
因为你要娶废柴
Hey! Why are you hitting me?!
那你干嘛打我
For being Zippy.
因为你是废柴
This sounds great, except for one thing.
这听起来不错啊 除了一个问题
You guys aren't gay.
你们不是基
No, we're not gay.
不 我们不是基
We are getting married because...
我们结婚是因为
it'll make it easier for him to adopt a child!
这样他要领养孩子比较容易
Aah, come on!
干嘛又抢我词
Uh, thank you, Berta.
谢谢 波塔
Hold on. You want a child?
等等 你想领养个孩子
Yes.
是的
I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life,
我最近一直在思考我的人生
and I believe that having a kid
我相信孩子能为我的人生
would add more meaning to it.
增添更多意义
Parenthood can be very rewarding.
为人父母的确能获益良多
Some of the time.
但也不尽然
So, this marriage is just a sham?
所以你们只是假结婚吗
I didn't march in all of those gay rights parades
我去参加那些同性恋游♥行♥
so you guys could make a mockery of
可不是来让你们玩弄
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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