好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S12E08
Part 2
Nov. 18, 2020, 5:09 p.m.
Can I have some pirate rum?
我能喝点海盗朗姆酒吗
No, we don't want visions
不行 我们可不想有
of pink elephants dancing in our head.
粉色大象在你脑海里跳舞
Okay, you go brush your teeth, and I'll be in in a minute.
你先去刷牙 我马上就进你房♥间
When Alan was little and couldn't sleep,
艾伦小时睡不着的时候
I used to give him whiskey.
我都给他喝威士忌
Breast-feeding doesn't count, Mother.
奶汁里掺到的酒不算好吗 母亲
So here's the plan.
计划是这样的
Santa's not actually coming.
圣诞老人其实不会来
You don't say.
还用你说
But how awesome is this?
但你听这样有多棒
We got the number two guy from the Thanksgiving Day Parade.
我们请到了今年感恩节气球游♥行♥的二号♥人物
So, if the giant Bullwinkle balloon
等于如果大型驯鹿气球
breaks loose and kills the number one Santa,
爆开 刚好炸死了一号♥圣诞老人
this is the guy.
他可就是继位的头号♥人选
Yeah. He also appeared as Santa
对啊 他也曾以圣诞老人的形象
on an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger.
出现在《德州巡警》的某一集中
He and Chuck Norris fought the bad guys with Christmas fu.
他和剧中男主演用圣诞功夫打败了坏人
So, when he gets here, he's gonna take the presents
所以等他来了 我们会把买♥♥好的礼物
that we bought for him, and he's gonna put them under the tree,
交给他 让他将礼物放到圣诞树下
and then we'll get it on video,
然后我们会拍下他放礼物的样子
and then Louis will have the perfect
这样路易斯的圣诞节就像
Charlie Brown Christmas.
电影《查理布朗的圣诞节》那样完美
I need rum.
我去倒朗姆酒
Santa's here!
圣诞老人来啦
I give you Kris Kringle.
下面有请奇斯·克林格[圣诞老人别称]
Are you smoking pot?
你在抽大♥麻♥吗
Of course not.
当然不是啦
Don't worry.
别担心
Santa's got a prescription card.
圣诞老人的是药用大♥麻♥
Well, apparently, the presents have already been delivered in Colorado.
看来科罗拉多州的礼物都已经送完了嘛
Here. Come on in.
快请进
I'm Walden. This is Alan and, uh, Evelyn.
我是沃顿 他们是艾伦和伊芙琳
Uh, wh-what do you go by? Mr. Claus?
我该称呼您什么呢 圣诞老先生
Babbo Natale?
圣诞老人[意大利语]
Weihnachtsmann?
圣诞老人[德语]
Actually, it's Frank.
其实我叫弗兰克
It's not very Christmasy.
这名字不太有圣诞气息啊
Well, if you don't like it,
如果你不喜欢
I can hang some mistletoe over my ass.
我可以在屁♥股♥上挂一个槲寄生
That's my son you're talking to.
这可是我儿子
Good one.
干得好
I-I... I'm sorry. We're-we're just really excited.
很抱歉 我们只是太兴奋了
It's our first Christmas with our foster son.
这是我们跟领养的儿子第一次过圣诞节
Uh, basically, what we're gonna do is
基本上我们要做的就是
film you putting the presents under the tree.
拍一段你放礼物到树下的录像
Uh, and then I've written a little something
台词我已经写好了
for you to say to Louis.
你照念给路易斯听就行
Let me guess.
我猜猜
"Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, Louis!"
"嚯嚯嚯 圣诞快乐 路易斯"
Oh, that's better. Go with that.
那更好 就用你的吧
Okay, okay, okay, and then...
还有还有 然后...
then you'll take a bite of the cookie,
然后你要咬一口饼干
you'll crunch the carrot, you'll sip the milk,
嚼一口胡萝卜 喝一口牛奶
wink at the camera, jiggle your belly and leave.
朝着镜头眨眼 晃下肚子然后走人
So it's toys, bite, crunch,
就是玩具 咬 嚼
sip, wink, jiggle, leave.
喝 眨 摇 走
Toys, bite, crunch, sip, wink, jiggle, leave.
玩具 咬 嚼 喝 眨 摇 走
Got it?
懂了吗
So you want me to be Santa.
你想让我扮圣诞老人
Toys, bite, crunch, sip, wink, jiggle, leave.
"玩具" 咬 嚼 喝 眨 摇 走
That sounds a lot like an orgy I had in Palm Springs once.
听起来很像我在棕榈泉参加过的杂交大会
All right, let's get this stuff wrapped
好的 我们快把礼物包一包
so we can enjoy this holiday the way I always imagined.
这样才能按我想的那样享受这个节日
Listening to Michael Buble's Christmas album...
聆听麦可·布雷的圣诞专辑...
with my husband.
跟我的老公一起听
Aw, looks like Alan's getting his first gift early.
看来艾伦提前收到了他的第一份礼物
Where's the boy's bike?
孩子的脚踏车呢
Oh, right here.
就在这里
That's not a boy's bike. That's a box.
那不是脚踏车 那是一个箱子
The boy's bike's in the box.
脚踏车就在箱子里啊
Tell me the boy's bike in the box has been built.
拜托告诉我 脚踏车已经组装好放在箱子里了
Oh, no, they wanted $75 to assemble it.
没有 组装要多加75美元
That's like ten pairs of pants.
我都能买♥♥十条裤子了
I was paying for it!
付钱的人是我好吗
Oh, come on.
拜托
How hard could it be?
组装这个能有多难
Uh, sorry, looks like it's gonna be
抱歉 貌似整理礼物的时间
a little longer than we expected.
比我们预想中要久
Uh, any chance you know how to put together a bike?
你会不会组装脚踏车呀
Right now, I'm too buzzed to have a tool in my hand.
现在我有点醉了 手里不适合握工具
I'm just buzzed enough to have a tool in mine.
我也醉了 手里特别适合握"工具"
Well, ho, ho, ho.
嚯 嚯 嚯[骚货]
Exactly.
没错
Here.
杯子给我
Let me get us both a little more eggnog.
我再去给咱俩倒点蛋酒
Um, Santa, did you drive your own sleigh over here tonight?
圣诞老人 你今晚有没有驾你的"雪橇"过来
Nope. Santa Ubered.
没有 我打车来的
Oh, well, uh, hope your driver was named Rudolph.
希望来接你的司机叫鲁道夫[驯鹿]
Um, so what's going on?
你们是怎么回事
Does Santa know you're married?
圣诞老人知道你结婚了吗
Does the IRS know you don't have five children?
美国国税局知道你没有五个孩子吗
Marty and I have an open marriage.
我和马蒂是开放式婚姻
And since he's 93,
而且他都93岁了
my end opens a little more frequently than his.
所以我这边的"门"要比他的常开
As does your mouth.
你的嘴也开太多
That's one of the ends I was talking about.
那也是我刚说的其中一扇"门"
Here you go.
给
You're running low on eggnog, so this one is all rum.
蛋酒快没了 所以这杯是全是朗姆酒
Thank you.
谢谢
You know, this is a situation
现在的情况呢
where Santa doesn't need a little helper.
圣诞老人并不需要人帮忙
So on, Prancer.
一边去 小驯鹿
Fine.
好吧
But just know this:
不过你要记住
I am not afraid to give Santa a negative review on Yelp.
我可是不怕在点评网上给圣诞老人一个差评哦
Okay, I can't make heads or tails of these instructions.
我完全看不懂这本说明书
They're barely in English.
感觉简直不像是英语
Uh, "The bolts of turning
"转向螺栓
shall revolve clockwords
应放在上图的零件下
as in above figure below."
并按顺时针旋转"
Does it say anything about roommate of cheapness
里面有说到"抠门小气的室友
shall have foot inserted in back hole till tight?
应用脚狠狠插♥进♥他的菊花"吗
I guess on the first day of Christmas,
在圣诞节的第一天
my true love threatened me.
我的真爱就威胁我
I'm sorry, but it's Louis's first Christmas not in the group home,
抱歉 但这是路易斯第一次不在教♥养♥院♥过圣诞节
and I want it to be perfect.
我想做到完美无缺
No Christmas is ever perfect.
根本不存在完美的圣诞节
There's always gonna be a toy
肯定会出现一个玩具
that's broken or the wrong kind of batteries.
不是坏了 就是电池买♥♥得不对
I mean, even on the very first Christmas,
即便是史上第一个圣诞节
Mary and Joseph woke up to the smell of donkey crap.
圣母玛利亚和约瑟也是闻着驴子的大便醒来
I know. I just...
我知道 只是...
I want him to believe in Santa,
我想让路易斯相信圣诞老人的存在
and-and get this bike
收到一辆脚踏车
and-and wake up to a winter wonderland.
醒来就能看见一个冬日仙境
Not that I ordered a truckload of snow.
我可没有定购一卡车的雪
I didn't get reindeer!
我也没有弄来驯鹿
Well, they're endangered.
因为它们是濒危动物
We could still make Christmas special for Louis.
我们还是可以让路易斯觉得圣诞节有意义啊
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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