好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S12E01
Part 3
Nov. 18, 2020, 5:08 p.m.
Yeah, I want something to give my life meaning.
我想赋予我生命意义
I want somebody I can love unconditionally.
我想无条件去爱一个人
Someone I can teach, someone I can nurture,
我想教育他 养育他
someone I can leave all this to.
我想把这一切都留给他
Well...
好吧
I mean, I don't know what to say, except...
我不知道该说什么 除了
Papa?
爹爹
Have you thought this through?
你考虑清楚了吗
Having a kid is a lot of work.
养孩子负担很重的
Having you is a lot of work.
养你的负担也不轻啊
You know, having a child would give my life meaning.
养一个孩子能让我的人生有点意义
Otherwise, all this has been for nothing,
不然 这一切都毫无意义
and that's difficult to accept.
这接受起来有点困难
You know what's difficult?
我来告诉你什么是困难
Removing a marble your kid shoved up his nose.
把孩子塞进鼻孔里的玻璃弹珠取出来
I did something like that.
我♥干♥过那种事
I jammed a penny up there.
我把一个硬币塞进鼻孔里
I was trying to get a gumball to fall out of my butt.
想着我屁♥眼♥会像糖果机一样掉糖果出来
But a kid is permanent.
但孩子是一辈子的事
It's not like you're dating.
这不像约会
You can't just stop calling or change your number
你不能因为约会对象很烦
or fake your own death because they annoy you.
就和她断绝联♥系♥或者换号♥码 甚至假死
You do that to women?
你这么对待女人吗
No, they do it to me.
不 是女人这么对我
Look, I-I'm sorry if it feels like I'm being negative,
很抱歉我让你感觉很悲观消极
because the truth is, you know, kids are amazing.
因为事实是 孩子虽然很美好
But you just had this big health scare,
但是你现在刚被自己的病吓到
and you're probably not in the best frame of mind
所以你现在脑子可能不够清楚
to make life decisions.
不能做出最正确的决定
I mean, this morning, you cried at a beer commercial.
今早你对着一则啤酒广♥告♥大哭
Yeah, but the horse and the puppy were best friends!
对 马儿和小狗是最好的朋友
Look, having a heart attack didn't make me realize
我得了心脏病并没有让我觉得
I want to have a kid, it made me realize
我想要一个孩子 而是让我觉得
I don't want to live another day without one.
我不能没有孩子
It was like a wake-up call.
就像一个警钟
All right.
好吧
If you really want to do this, I will be here to support you.
如果你是真心的 我会在你身边支持你
From my room.
在我房♥间里支持你
Which, FYI, is way too drafty to use as a nursery.
顺便说一句 我那间房♥太透风 不适合做婴儿室
Don't worry. You're not going anywhere.
别担心 我不会赶你走
Sweet! Let's get that kid!
很好 那快养孩子吧
So, uh, who's the lucky lady
接受你播种的
who's gonna receive your seed?
是哪个幸运的女人
See, you just put your creepy little finger right on the problem.
瞧 你淫♥荡♥的心一问就问到点子上了
I haven't exactly been successful in love.
我的感情生活一直不顺
It's like I'm running JavaScript
好像我运行的是JAVA
and women are running HTML5.
而女人运行的是HTML5
Talking like that is part of the problem, isn't it?
我这种说话的方式也是一个问题
Yeah.
对
And it's weird, because your package is perfect.
这很奇怪 因为你的硬件很完美
And... and by package, I don't mean your package,
我说硬件 指的不是你的"硬"件
I mean your... package.
我说的是全身的硬件
Although, that is also a showstopper.
当然你的"硬"件也颇为精彩
Okay, I can't believe that this is not the first time
真不敢相信这不是我第一次说这话了
I've said this, but stop looking at my penis.
请不要盯着我的老二看
Well, now that you've mentioned it,
你这么一提
I can't stop looking.
我眼睛都移不走了
It's like the elephant's trunk in the room.
感觉就像是房♥里有神雕 想忽视都难
Don't worry, you'll-you'll find somebody.
别担心 你会找到合适的人选
And, you know, it goes without saying
不过如果我能的话 不必多说
that if I could, I would happily bear you a child.
我非常乐意怀你的孩子
Okay, I wish all of this had gone without saying.
我希望你什么都不用说
You doing okay?
你没事吧
Yeah, I'm good.
没事 我很好
He wants to have a kid. Now all he needs is a woman.
他想要个孩子 而他现在需要一个女人
Would you consider a pregnant stripper?
你能接受一个怀孕的脱衣舞♥女♥吗
Uh, no.
不能
Well, that rules out both my granddaughters.
那我两个孙女都没戏了
Morning. Did you take your pills?
早上好 你吃药了吗
Yep.
吃了
Are you lying to me or are you lying to yourself?
你是骗我呢 还是骗你自己
They're too big. It's hard to swallow.
太"大"了 我吞不下
If you say that's what she said,
你要是敢说 我那妞也这么说
I will kill you.
我会杀了你
You know what she said?
你知道她说什么吗
take your pills. I care about you.
快吃药 我关心你
Fine.
好吧
Do you know how long it takes to get a baby?
你知道怀孕要多长时间吗
Well, I know it takes, uh, five months of mood swings
我知道 情绪波动的五个月
and four months of not wanting to be touched.
加不想被碰的四个月
And who knows what my ex-wife was going through.
真不知道我前妻经历了什么
I was just researching surrogacy,
我刚在查代♥孕♥的事
and they say that once you choose a great candidate,
他们说你选好候选人之后
it can take up to three years
有可能会等三年
before you have a baby in your arm.
你才能得到你的孩子
I can't wait that long.
我可不想等那么久
I mean, who knows if I'll even still want a kid by then?
谁知道三年后我会不会改变主意了
Tell me about it.
可不是嘛
Six months into Jake's life, I was like,
杰克出生半年后 我的感觉就是
Check, please!
买♥♥单 我要走啦
I was kidding. As was I.
我开玩笑的 我也是
I've narrowed down my options to either adoption
我的选择现在只剩下两种
or seeing if Brad and Angelina
要么领养一个 要么等
have an extra one they could throw me.
皮特与安吉丽娜又生一个 然后送给我
Uh, you know, if you really want to adopt...
如果你真想领养的话...
For the last time, Alan, I am not adopting you!
最后说一次 艾伦 我不会领养你
But, Papa...
不过 爹爹...
Ah! All right.
行了
I already reached out to a lawyer
我已经联♥系♥了一个
who specializes in adoption.
领养方面的专业律师
Well, you're a perfect candidate to adopt.
你是条件完美的领养人
I mean, you're highly educated, you're likeable,
你受过高等教育 惹人爱
uh, you have a stable home environment...
你的家庭环境稳定
Financially secure, no criminal record, handsome.
财务安全 无犯罪记录 长得帅
I-I don't... I don't think handsome really comes into play.
我觉得长相不起什么作用
Doesn't it, Alan?
没作用吗 艾伦
No, I don't think so.
没啊 没作用
Doesn't it?
真没有吗
You're being ridiculous.
你发神经吗
Am I?
是吗
I will steal you a baby.
我给你偷一个孩子吧
So, as you can see, finances are not an issue.
如你所见 财务不是问题
I have a lot of extra free time,
我有很多空闲时间
and I know I can provide a loving, nurturing home.
我能提供一个温馨的养育环境
You okay?
你没事吧
Are you?
你有事吗
Seriously, do I need to call someone?
说真的 要我叫人来吗
Never mind.
别介意
What's important is that
重要的是
I will coach the hell out of the Braves.
我会好好地训练"勇士之队"
Excuse me?
你说什么
It'll be the name of my son's tee-ball team.
那是我儿子少儿棒球队的名字
Pretty Pink Ponies, if it's a girl.
要是女孩就叫靓靓粉小马队
You know what, if my son wants to play
其实呢 要是我儿子
for the Pretty Pink Ponies, then so be it.
想去靓靓粉小马队 我也接受
Tolerant.
够包容吧
Well, Mr. Schmidt,
施密特先生
you are obviously more than qualified.
你的条件非常好
Thank you.
谢谢
That said, I'd start looking
所以我会着手帮你
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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