好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S12E04
Part 3
Nov. 18, 2020, 5:09 p.m.
Walden, you are gonna make a great dad.
沃顿 你会是一个好爸爸
And, Alan, you've already raised Jake,
艾伦 杰克是你养大的
so I guess just... do the opposite.
所以 你就反着来养这个孩子吧
I still can't believe it's even possible
我仍然不敢相信
for two men to have a baby.
两个男人也能生孩子
What an age we live in.
这到底是什么时代啊
Science, right?
科学太先进了 对吧
Larry, we're-we're not actually having a baby.
拉里 这孩子不是我们生的
We're adopting.
是我们领养的
Ah, shooting blanks, huh?
放"空枪"哈[无精或弱精症]
Well, I guess if Alan gets pregnant,
如果艾伦怀孕了
you'll know he's been cheating on you.
你肯定就知道他偷人了
So you two are really married, huh?
你俩真的结婚了
Yep. Yeah, crazy, isn't it?
对啊 很疯狂吧
No, I'll tell you what's crazy.
不 我告诉你们什么才是疯狂
You have never hit on me once, Walden.
你从来也没想泡过我 沃顿
I mean, we worked together every day, side by side,
我们每天一起工作 面对面
and not so much as a lingering glance
从来没有长时间的对视过
or a "Gee, you look nice today, Barry.
也没听你说过"你今天挺帅 巴里"
"You lost a little weight, Barry?
"你是不是瘦了 巴里"
Those cargo shorts really flatter your calves, Barry."
"这条工装短裤很显你的小腿肌肉 巴里"
No, man.
不是的 老兄
We got married so I could adopt a baby.
我们结婚是为了领养一个孩子
That... we're a pretend couple.
我们是假夫妻
It's kind of like your "Girlfriend in Canada."
就像你"在加拿大的女友"
Okay, Olivia is real.
拜托 奥利维亚是真的
I mean, just... Okay, look at these nude photos she sent me.
好吧 看她发给我的裸照
That's Jennifer Lawrence.
这是詹妮弗·劳伦斯[奥斯卡影后]
She gets that all the time.
老有人她俩很像
In a couple days, I'm gonna be a dad.
再过几天 我就是一位父亲了
I'm gonna be completely responsible
我即将为一个
for the emotional and financial well-being
毫无自理能力的人
of someone who is completely incapable
提供感情依托
of taking care of themselves.
和财产保障
Thank you for being my test baby.
谢谢你一直扮演"婴儿"的角色让我练手
I'd keep my fingers crossed for a boy.
我希望是个男孩
Why?
为什么
Well, basic math.
很简单的数学问题
If you have a boy, you only have to worry about one penis.
如果你有个儿子 你只需要担心一个鸡鸡
You have a girl, you have to worry about them all.
如果你有个女儿 你就得担心所有男人的鸡鸡
Either way, you're gonna love it.
无论如何 你们都会爱孩子
Being a father is the best thing in the world.
当爸爸是世界上最幸福的事情
How old are your kids?
你的孩子多大了
Well, my son is 15
我儿子15岁
and my secret daughter is going to be 11 this year.
我的私生女今年满11岁
Your... your secret daughter?
你的私生女
Yeah, she looks a lot like my secret wife.
对 她和我的情妇长得很像
You know, kids are amazing.
孩子就是这么神奇
You know? You get to pass all this knowledge down
你得把所有的知识都传授给他
to this little person and-and shape their mind.
塑造他的思想意识
Like, you know, how to talk to girls
比如 如何向女孩搭讪
and how to be there for your friends when they need you.
朋友需要你的时候 如何支持他们
Oh, you can teach them your ability to always be in the bathroom
你也可以教他们每回结账的时候
whenever the dinner check comes.
总能刚好在厕所的本事
That's pure instinct.
那是本能
Can't be taught.
教不了的
You know, all my memories revolve around my dad.
我所有的回忆都跟我爸相关
The time he threw my Tamagotchi down the garbage disposal.
他把我的电子宠物扔到垃圾处理机里
Time he made a pass at my prom date.
他和我的舞伴调情
Time he divorced my mom and married my prom date.
他和我妈离婚 娶了我的舞伴
Guys. Guys, it's the hospital.
各位 各位 是医院打来的
Oh, if it's one of my patients, I'm not here.
如果是我的病人 说我不在
Oh, don't worry. If I'm your kid's doctor,
别担心 如果我是你孩子的医生
I won't do that.
我不会这么做
It's what you say.
都是这么说的
Kathy's in labor!
凯西快生了
We got to go!
我们得走了
I'll get an Uber.
我叫车
I'll go grab the car seat.
我去拿儿童座椅
I'll get the diaper bag.
我去拿尿片包
Oh, God, that's the pizza guy.
天啊 那是送披萨的小哥
Um... hey, Alan,
艾伦
could you pay the pizza guy?
你能把钱给披萨小哥吗
I'm in the bathroom!
我在厕所里
How does he do it?
他怎么做到的
You know, I-I appreciate you guys coming,
很感谢你们能来
but you really don't have to stay.
但是你们不必留下来
Are you kidding? We want to be here.
开什么玩笑 我们愿意留下来
You know what they say.
有言道
"To raise a child, it takes the Village People."
"养一个娃 竭全村的力"
Hey, guys?
各位
I think I may have gotten way too high.
我可能抽得太猛了
Can somebody take me to the hospital?
谁能送我去医院吗
You're in a hospital.
你这不就在医院嘛
How'd you do that?
你怎么做到的
I wonder why we haven't heard anything.
为什么我们什么声音都没听到
They took Kathy to the delivery room, like, an hour ago.
他们把凯西带去产房♥ 有一个小时了吧
Sometimes the baby just doesn't want to come out.
有时候 婴儿就是不想出来
I mean, put yourself in its position.
你设身处地想想
For nine months, you've been floating
九个月以来
in the world's nicest waterbed.
你一直沉浸在世界上最好的水床里
Then somebody opens a trap door,
突然有个人打开了活门
all the water flows out,
水全部流走了
a set of salad tongs grabs you by the head
一把钳子把你钳住
and yanks you out,
把你拽出来
and then some guy you never seen before
然后一个你从未见过的男人
starts slapping you on the ass.
开始拍你的屁♥股♥
Reminds me of a trip I took to Tijuana once.
让我想起我去提华纳[墨西哥]的那次旅行
Aw, look at how cute that one is.
看她多可爱啊
Yeah, she's got a nice rack, too.
对啊 奶♥子♥也不错
What are you looking at?
你在看什么呢
The hot nurse. What are you looking at?
那个性感的护士 你们在看什么
That baby.
那个孩子
Ugh! You guys are sick.
你们真变♥态♥
So have you guys decided on a name for the baby yet?
你们给孩子取名字了吗
Oh, no, not yet. No.
没 还没 还没
It's such a big responsibility.
压力挺大的
I don't want to give him a name
我不想给他取一个
that other kids can make fun of.
会被其他小孩取笑的名字
Well, bad news. Every name can be made fun of.
不幸的是 每一个名字都会被取笑
That's not true.
这不可能
Really?
是吗
How's your pond, Walden?
沃顿 你的湖还好吗
It's an intellectual insult, but it still stings.
比较有深度的嘲讽 不过还是挺伤人
I was "Larry the fairy" all through high school.
我中学的时候被人叫做"牙仙拉里"[音似]
Oh, no way! I was "Barry the fairy."
不是吧 我是"牙仙巴里"
Somebody noticed that you could rearrange
有人把我的名字艾伦
the letters of "Alan," And I became
重新排列后 就变成了
"Little Anal Harper."
"小肛♥门♥·哈勃"
My name's "Herb."
我的名字是"赫伯"[草药]
Kids skipped the clever puns
大家没有费劲想哏
and just shoved my head down a toilet.
就直接把我脑袋塞在马桶里
Well, I'm sure there are plenty of names
肯定有很多名字
that kids can't make jokes about.
不会被小孩拿来取笑
Mr. and Mr. Harper-Schmidt?
两位哈勃-施密特先生
Yeah, nothing to worry about there.
这姓氏也不用担心被人笑
Just the hyphenated last name of the two gay dads.
两个基佬爹的姓氏用连字符连住而已
So how's Kathy?
凯西怎么样了
She's doing fine.
她很好
So is your brand-new baby boy.
你们刚出生的儿子也很好
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
剧集 | 好汉两个半（2003） | 导航列表