好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S12E07
Part 2
Nov. 18, 2020, 5:09 p.m.
He hasn't screwed me since the prenup.
签完婚前契约后 他就再也没上过我
Classic Julie.
朱莉就这样
Oh, this is so Sex and the City right now.
现在好有《欲望都市》的感觉哦
Alan, do we have any wipes?
艾伦 有湿纸巾吗
The kid above me dripped something on my face.
我上面的那个孩子不知道滴了啥在我脸上
The best-case scenario is snot.
鼻涕算是最好的情况了
Here, I've got some.
给 我这里有
Oh, thank you. Sure.
谢谢 别客气
Walden, this is, uh, Laurel, Danielle and Julie.
沃顿 这是罗洛儿 丹妮尔跟朱莉
The ladies, the gals.
女士们 姑娘们
The juice box heroes.
果汁盒女侠们
Hi. Hello.
你好 你好啊
Hi, nice to meet you all.
你们好 幸会幸会
Your son is adorable.
你儿子真可爱
I'm his husband, silly.
小笨蛋 他是我老婆好吗
So, uh, which one's yours?
哪个是你孩子呢
My daughter, Lily,
我女儿 莉莉
is the one licking that little boy.
是在舔那个小男孩的女生
Sweetie, we don't lick strangers!
闺女啊 我们家不舔陌生人
Oh, and I thought we were gonna be friends.
还以为能跟你成为朋友呢
All right.
好啦
I'm headed to the ball pit.
我要进球[蛋蛋]池啦
Same thing he said as he dove under the covers last night.
他昨晚钻进被子里时也是这么说的
Boing.
硬啦
Thanks for having us.
谢谢邀请我们过来
I got to say, this is a great spot for a playdate.
不得不说 这真是个孩子一起玩耍的好地方
This view is amazing.
这风景真是太美了
Yes. Yes, it is.
是啊 太美了
You know, I used to walk by houses like this
我以前从这样的房♥子下面经过
and think the people on the decks were just
心里会想 露台上的人一定会
looking down their noses at everyone,
一脸不屑地看着底下的人
feeling all superior.
心里充满优越感
Now I know it's true.
现在我知道果然没错
Roger sold our beach house
罗杰卖♥♥了我们的海滩别♥墅♥
'cause he said we never used it.
因为他说我们永远也用不到
Using that logic, we should sell his penis.
按他的逻辑 应该把他的老二也卖♥♥了
Classic Julie.
朱莉就这样
Hey, w-we should make this a regular thing.
我们应该经常这样聚在一起
Oh. Yeah, next time we'll do it at one of your houses.
下次我们可以在你们其中一个人家里办
Hey, uh, Louis, is everything okay?
路易斯 一切都还好吗
Over.
完毕
Lego tower fell over.
乐高塔倒了
Uh, you didn't say "Over."
你没说"完毕"
Over.
完毕
I said the Lego tower fell over.
我说了乐高塔倒了[完毕]
Over.
完毕
You're so good with him. Over.
你真会教育他 完毕
Actually, I-I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.
其实我都不知道该怎么带小孩
Join the club.
大家都是啊
Parenting's like a yoga class.
养儿育女就像是参加瑜伽班
You just do what everybody else is doing
随大流 别人做啥你做啥
and try not to laugh when someone farts.
然后尽量在人家放屁时忍♥住不笑
Okay, so all the kids are playing in Louis' room.
所有的孩子都在路易斯的房♥里玩
Well, technically, three of them are playing together,
严格上来说 有三个人在一起玩
and Louis is in the corner, coloring by himself.
而路易斯自己在角落给图画上色
That's perfectly normal.
这很正常
The parenting books call it "Parallel play."
育儿书里把这称作"平行玩耍"
Oh, that's good to know.
这样我就放心了
So, in high school, I wasn't such a weirdo.
原来高中时 我不是那么怪胎
I was just a parallel player.
我只是个平行玩耍人士
My sex life with my first wife was a lot of parallel play.
我跟第一任老婆的性生活也有很多"平行玩耍"
Just give Louis time.
给路易斯点时间
Remember, this is all new for him.
记得 这一切对他都是新事物
Kind of like learning on my honeymoon
就像我在蜜月时才知道
that I wasn't going to have sex was all new for me.
原来她不会跟我做♥爱♥ 所以我得慢慢适应
You know, I just want him to have friends.
我只是想他交到朋友
You know, like a couple girls, and a couple boys.
几个女生朋友 几个男生朋友
He's gonna be fine.
他会没事的
In the meantime, I have made some friends
与此同时 我交到了一些朋友
who have welcomed me into the secret world of women.
她们会带领我进入女人的秘密世界
I am this close to discovering everything about them.
我马上就能够挖出女人的一切秘密了
What they like, what they don't like.
她们喜欢什么 不喜欢什么
And where they don't like it.
不喜欢"哪里"
We're supposed to be here helping Louis make friends.
我们重点应该是帮路易斯找到朋友
Oh, please, I see how you look at Laurel.
少来 我看到你看罗洛儿的目光了
It's the same way I look at a five dollar bill in a tip jar
就像我盯着小费罐里的五块钱钞票那样贪婪
I think I can swap out for a single.
我总觉得可以用硬币把它换出来
Okay, what are you talking about?
你胡说什么呢
That is Louis' friend's mom.
她是路易斯朋友的妈妈
And, yes, we get along great.
没错 我们的确聊得来
And, yes, she's pretty and nice.
没错 她的确漂亮人又好
And, yes, she used to be a gymnast
没错 她曾经是体操选手
and can still put her legs behind her head.
直到现在都还能把腿折到脑后
And she is out there.
而她就正站在外面
So why am I still standing here, talking to you?
所以我♥干♥嘛还在这浪费时间跟你说话呢
I can put my legs behind my head, but you'll never see it.
我也可以把腿折到脑后 但你永远不会看到
He was a really nice guy,
他人超好
and I liked hanging out with him,
我也很喜欢跟他一起玩
but when we got to the bedroom,
但当我们到了床上
he was just, well...
他只有...
If he were a candy bar, he'd be the fun size.
如果用巧克力棒比喻 那他就是童趣版
There's nothing fun about that.
这种事绝对不会有趣啊
Yeah, nothing worse than a small penis.
是啊 没有什么比鸡鸡小更惨了
But, seriously, how small is too small?
但说真的 到底怎么样才算太小
Alan, you are a riot.
艾伦 你真会搞笑
We should hang out with you more often.
我们真应该跟你多聚聚
Hey, what do you say, we all go out this Saturday for a girls night?
这样吧 要不我们这周六来一个闺蜜之夜
You know, get a limo, go out dancing,
租台加长礼车 去跳跳舞
wear our sluttiest outfits.
穿上我们最骚的衣服
Julie, you can wear what you're wearing now.
朱莉 你身上这件就是了
Uh, I'm bad.
我真坏
Should we go check on the kids?
我们要不要去看一下孩子们
Are you kidding?
开什么玩笑
They're set up with pizza, popsicles and The Lego Movie.
他们里面有披萨 冰棒 还有乐高电影
For the next two hours,
接下来的两小时里
* Everything is awesome. *
* 什么东西都超棒 *[电影中歌♥曲]
Yeah, I've seen that movie, like, five times.
是啊 那部电影我都看了五次了
I should really watch it with Louis at some point.
真应该找机会跟路易斯一起看一次
I haven't seen a movie
我都不知道有多久
that wasn't for a kid in forever.
没看过不是给儿童看的电影了
The other night I actually had a sex dream
有天晚上我还做梦梦到
about an animated character.
我跟一个卡♥通♥人物做♥爱♥了
Prince Charming?
白马王子吗
The old guy from Up.
《飞屋环游记》的老头
And, sadly, it was the only sex I've had in two years.
更惨的是 那是我两年来唯一一次性♥爱♥
Well, if it meant a whole night's sleep,
如果能睡上一晚好觉
I'd have sex with an animated Ed Asner, too.
我也乐意跟动画版的爱德华·阿斯纳做♥爱♥
You think you're tired now.
你觉得你现在超累
You missed the hardest years.
但你已经是避开了最累的几年了
The-the... the picky eating, the tantrums, the bed-wetting.
那些孩子会挑食 发脾气 尿床的日子
Okay, to be fair, I get all of that with Alan.
但公平来说 这些艾伦全会啊
You guys are a great team.
你们俩真合适
The only thing my ex would help with
我前夫只愿意帮我
was driving the babysitter home.
把保姆送回家
She'd have the kids in bed by 8:00
她8点先陪孩子们睡觉
and my husband in bed by 10:00.
10点再陪我前夫睡觉
Oh... that's horrible.
那可真糟糕
Is she a good sitter? 'Cause we're looking.
她是个好保姆吗 我们还缺人手呢
Sorry.
抱歉
Without that jerk of an ex,
没有那个混账前夫
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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