好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S12E04
Part 1
Nov. 18, 2020, 5:09 p.m.
Oh, hey, morning, Berta.
波塔 早安
Little warning, man at work.
警告一下 男人在干活中
Doing a little banging and screwing.
这里弄弄 那里搞搞
Little warning for you.
也警告你一下
Woman at bar until 2:00 A.M. doing the same thing.
在酒吧待到凌晨两点的女人也是"东搞西搞"
What are you doing?
你是在干嘛
I am baby-proofing the house.
给房♥子装婴儿保护装置
It's a requirement of the adoption agency,
领养机构的要求
and it's a good thing, too.
而且这也是好事
This here kitchen is a death trap.
这厨房♥简直是杀婴神器
Whole mess of things up in here that can kill someone.
这里有一大堆能弄死人的东西
We got knives, we got fire, poison, scalding hot water,
有刀 有火 毒清洁剂 滚烫的沸水
Alan's leftover fish tacos.
艾伦过期的鱼肉卷
You worry too much.
你紧张过度了
Jake ate a steady diet of floor wax and detergent,
杰克当年没少吃到地板蜡跟清洁剂
and he turned out...
你看他...
Yeah, maybe it's not a bad idea.
其实你说的还真有道理
I locked all the cabinets and the drawers,
我把所有的柜子跟抽屉都固定了
put these safety knobs on the stove,
炉灶也加上了安全开关
and if you want to access any chemicals,
如果你想要拿出那些化学药品
you will need a special magnetic key.
会需要用特殊的磁力钥匙
Oh, by the way, when you're doing the laundry,
对了 你洗衣服的时候
keep your eye out for a special magnetic key.
留意有没有特殊磁力钥匙掉出来
Why would you need to lock the towel drawer?
为什么毛巾抽屉也要上锁
You hide your pot in the medicine cabinet.
你的大♥麻♥是藏在药物抽屉里的啊
I'm guessing.
我猜的
That is no ordinary towel drawer.
那不是普通的毛巾抽屉
That's the first step on the stairway to disaster.
那是灾难的起源第一步
Oh, I'm too hungover for this crap.
我太醉 懒得听这些狗屁
Okay, okay.
好吧 好吧
All right, imagine, if you will, child pulls out the drawer,
你想象一下 小孩拉开这个抽屉
climbs up onto the counter and toddles over to the window
爬上去到台面上 在爬过去
that has been left open
到没锁的窗边
because Alan finds the smell of steaming broccoli
没锁是因为艾伦觉得蒸花椰菜让他反胃
to be "gaggy."
所以打开窗透气
Whereupon, the child spots a beautiful kite,
结果呢 小孩看到了美丽的风筝
most likely in the shape of a butterfly or a Pikachu.
很可能是蝴蝶或皮卡丘图案的
The child reaches for the kite,
小孩伸手想抓风筝
tumbles out the window,
滚出窗外
bounces off the awning, flying through the air,
掉到雨篷 弹出去 飞在空中
heading toward certain death,
本来马上要死了
when, miraculously, it is caught
结果奇迹发生
by a shirtless Matthew McConaughey.
他被光上身的马修·麦康纳接住了
"Don't worry, your baby's gonna be all right,
"别担心 你的小孩一切都会很好
all right, all right."
很好 很好"
Yeah, sure.
是啊
You know what, we got lucky this time,
我们这次是走运 孩子没事
but we can't depend on McConaughey every time.
但我们不能每次都有马修·麦康纳来救啊
Okay, I'm gonna have to start hiding the pot from you.
行啊 但我以后要把你的大♥麻♥藏起来了
Better safe than sorry.
不怕一万 只怕万一
Every stairway, every toilet, every sharp corner
每个楼梯间 每个厕所 每个尖锐角落
has been locked, latched or padded.
都被锁上 闩上或加垫了
No one is getting hurt in this house.
没人可以在这个家里受伤
Hot!
烫
Hot! Hot!
烫 烫
All right, all right, all right.
很好 很好 很好
So, as you can see,
你也看到了
I installed a gate at the top of the stairs,
我在楼梯口装了安全门
at the bottom of the stairs, and as an extra precaution,
楼梯底下也装了安全门 为了额外小心
I put one in the middle of the stairs.
我在楼梯中间也装了一个
Overachiever.
好还要更好
I think he's just trying to keep me from getting away.
我想他只是想关住我 怕我跑掉
Well, you did a great job baby-proofing.
你的婴儿防护措施做得很棒
I can't imagine anyone getting hurt in this house.
我想象不到有谁在这家里能受伤
Really? Try telling me I look fat in these jeans.
是吗 试试看说我穿这牛仔裤显胖
Okay, flame off, Human Torch.
够了 收了你的神通吧 霹雳火
So, uh, so, what do we do next?
所以下一步是怎么样呢
Oh, well, it's pretty simple.
挺简单了
I walk out onto the deck,
我走到外面阳台等
you put a pile of hundreds on the table,
你就把一叠百元大钞放桌上
I come back, slip them into my purse,
我走进来 把钱塞进皮包里
and you get a kid.
小孩就是你的了
I have $5,000 in the bottom of a toolbox in the garage.
我车♥库♥的工具箱底有5千块钱
I was joking.
我开玩笑的
As was I.
我也是
Anyway, uh, I wasn't gonna say anything
我本来不打算在审核完毕前
until you guys passed the inspection,
告诉你们俩这消息的
but it looks like we may have found
但貌似我们已经找到了
a potential match for the two of you.
适合你们两个的孩子了
We're...
我们
We're getting a baby.
我们要有孩子啦
Are you serious? This is unbelievable.
你是说真的吗 太不敢相信了
Well, slow down; all that's happened so far
别着急 目前还只是在
is a pregnant mother has seen your profile
一名怀孕的妈妈看过你们的资料
and wants to meet you.
很想见见你们
Somebody saw my profile and wants to meet me?
有人看过我的资料还想见我吗
That's so different than the dating sites.
跟在相亲网站上差好多哦
I can't believe this.
我真不敢相信
Who is she? Where is she from?
她是谁 哪里人
How old is she? Is she having a boy or a girl?
她几岁了 肚子里是男是女
Wait, no, la-la-la-la-la!
别 别说说说说说
I don't want to know. I want to be surprised.
我不想知道 我想有惊喜
Walden, you're getting ahead of yourself.
沃顿 你想太多了
Did you say girl?
你是说女孩吗
I thought I heard you say girl.
我好像听到你说是女孩
Wait, no, you know what?
算了 其实呢
Doesn't matter.
根本无所谓
Ten fingers and ten toes--
只要手脚健全
that's all that matters.
这才是最重要的
Are you not saying anything 'cause it's a boy?
你不说话是因为是个男孩吗
Oh, my God, we're having a boy!
天啊 我们要有儿子啦
Okay, Walden,
沃顿
when you meet the mother,
当你见到孩子生母
you want to come off as a calm, stable father.
你最好看起来是很冷静 镇定的父亲
Not like a 14-year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert.
不是去参加贾斯丁·比伯演唱会的14岁少女
Sorry, we're just really excited.
抱歉 我们是太兴奋了
No, I get it. I'm excited for you.
没事 我懂 我也很为你们兴奋
I'll call you when the meeting is set up.
等见面时间确定好了 我再通知你们
Oh, and by the way,
对了
I think you look fantastic in those jeans.
我觉得你穿那条牛仔裤 看起来超棒
Girl, we are gonna be BFFs.
姑娘 我们绝对会是好闺蜜
We're gonna have a baby.
我们要有孩子啦
We're gonna have a baby.
我们要有孩子啦
We're gonna have a baby.
我们要有孩子啦
We're gonna have a baby!
我们要有孩子啦
We're gonna have a baby!
我们要有孩子啦
Oh, we have to celebrate.
我们得庆祝一下
Uh, I'll go to the garage and get some champagne.
我去车♥库♥里面拿点香槟
Great! We're gonna have a baby!
太好了 我们要有孩子啦
We're gonna have a...
我们要有...
Wait, we don't have champagne in the garage.
等等 我们车♥库♥里没有香槟啊
My toolbox!
我藏钱的工具箱
Alan!
艾伦
Here.
给
I got this for you.
我买♥♥了这个给你
Why?
为啥
I think it would be nice
如果我们穿着情侣毛衣
if we wore matching sweaters to meet the birth mom.
去见宝宝的母亲 那更有说服力呀
Twinsies.
情侣装哦
We're supposed to be a married couple,
我们应该是以已婚夫妇的身份
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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