好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S12E14
Part 1
Nov. 18, 2020, 5:10 p.m.
Morning.
早安
Oh, morning, Lyndsey.
早安 林赛
Have you two officially met?
你们俩正式见面过吗
We have, actually.
其实我们还真见过
Remember when you were stalking Alan
你还记得你跟踪艾伦
and you followed him to a restaurant
跟到一家餐厅里
to catch him with his whore?
想逮住他跟那婊♥子♥吗
I was that whore!
我就是那婊♥子♥
Oh, my God.
我的天啊
That was you? Yes.
那是你啊 是啊
You know, I remember thinking,
我还记得当时我在想
"What is such a beautiful woman doing with Alan?"
"这么一个美女怎么会跟艾伦厮混"
I thought the same thing about you.
我当时也这么觉得你呢
"What are we doing with Alan?"
"我们是不是脑子有病选艾伦"
And here I was worried you two would have nothing in common.
我这笨蛋本来还担心你们没有共同话题呢
Care for a mimosa? Oh, no, thanks,
来杯含羞草鸡尾酒吗 不了 谢谢
I'm recently sober.
我最近刚戒酒
I'm cutting down on the self-destructive choices in my life.
我在减少会毁了我人生的事物
Morning.
早安
And she's down to one.
只差最后一件了
Oh, this is so uncomfortable. What?
这下尴尬了 怎么
Well, I'm about to have breakfast with my current lover,
我马上就要跟我现任情人
my former lover, and my husband.
前任情人 与老公一起共进早餐了
Oh, my God, I'm turning into my mother.
天啊 我要变成我妈了
Well, to be fair,
说句公道话
your mother slept with a lot more women.
你妈睡过的女人比你多多了
Oh, hey, our, uh, three-month anniversary is on Valentine's Day.
我们的三个月纪念日是在情人节呢
What should we do?
我们要干嘛
I don't know. I was thinking we could get dressed up
不知道啊 我在想我们穿上正装
and put on some cologne and get some flowers
喷点古龙水 买♥♥些花
and go to a romantic dinner...
去吃个浪漫的晚餐
Ooh, I like it.
我喜欢
...with our girlfriends.
是跟我们各自的女朋友去
Our girlfriends? But it's Valentine's Day.
跟各自的女朋友吗 可那是情人节啊
I can't believe I'm in a relationship with a married man.
真不敢相信我在跟一个结婚的男人谈恋爱
Eh. By the third time, you get used to it.
大概到第三次左右你就会习惯了
You know what, that's actually a really good point.
其实这话还挺有道理
Since Louis' adoption's final, why are we still married?
路易斯的领养手续都完结了 我们干嘛还结着婚
Uh, because we love each other.
因为我们爱着对方啊
See? They always promise they're gonna get out of their marriage,
你看 他们总承诺你会离婚
but they never do.
但他们永远不会
Alan, I want a divorce.
艾伦 我想离婚
Wow. Just get right to it.
真直接 一刀插♥我♥心上
Happy Valentine's Day to Alan.
情人节快乐啊 艾伦
Oh, come on. This was never a real marriage.
别这样 这段婚姻本来就不是真的
And these aren't real tears, either.
这些眼泪也不是真的
I'm a stone-hearted bastard, too!
我也是个没心没肺的王八蛋
You know what, Walden, you can keep him.
其实呢 沃顿 你还是留着他吧
All right.
好吧
I'll go get him before I find him masturbating
趁他倒卧在自己的泪水里打飞机前
in a pool of his own tears.
我赶紧把他追回来
Been there.
碰到过
Can we make pancakes?
我们能做煎饼吃吗
You know, I'm sorry, buddy. I can't right now.
抱歉 小家伙 我现在没空
I'm k... I'm kind of busy.
我现在 有点忙
Y-You remember how I told you
还记得我跟你说过
that Alan and I aren't gonna be married anymore?
我跟艾伦以后不是夫妻了吗
Yeah.
记得
Are you sad about the divorce?
你是难过我们离婚吗
No. I'm sad about the pancakes.
不是 我是难过没煎饼吃了
Hey. Oh, hey. Great.
你来得正好
Uh, you know what, I'm working on our divorce papers.
我这里在弄离婚的文件
I need you to sign right here.
需要你在这里签个名
What about dividing our assets?
那我们分财产的部分呢
Well, we both get what we had when we came into the marriage.
各自留着结婚前各自拥有的一切财物
So you get the house and the car
所以你拿到房♥子 车子
and the billion dollars and the private jet?
几十亿以及私人飞机吗
Yep.
是的
And you'll get that shirt.
而你可以拿到那件衣服
You know what? I'll go first.
这样吧 我先签
You know, this isn't easy for me either.
这件事对我来说也不容易
Does the beach house and the private jet
但海滩别♥墅♥ 私人飞机
and the billion dollars make it easier?
以及几十亿有让离婚没那么难受吗
Duh.
废话
But this is still the best relationship I've ever been in.
但这始终是我有过最棒的一段感情了
It's funny.
说来好笑
When Judith and I got divorced, she said,
当朱蒂丝跟我离婚时 她说
"If you don't leave, I will kill you."
"如果你不滚 我就杀了你"
I believed her.
我相信了她的话
Here. Your turn.
给 到你签了
I can't. My hand knows it's wrong.
我做不到 我的手知道这是错误决定
Your hand does a lot of things it knows is wrong.
你的手犯过的"错误"多了去了
Just sign it.
赶紧签了
Good-bye...
再见
Dr. Alan Harper-Schmidt.
艾伦·哈勃-施密特医生
I hardly knew ye.
都还没跟他混熟呢
Thank you. I really appreciate you doing this whole thing.
谢谢 我真心感谢你陪我弄完这整件事
You know, in fact, I'd like to get you a gift to say thank you.
我想送你一件礼物来感谢你
Well, that's very nice, but I didn't do it for a gift.
你真好 但我不是为了礼物才帮你
You're my best friend, and I would walk through fire...
你是我最好的朋友 我愿为你赴汤蹈...
What kind of a gift are we talking about?
你说的礼物是指什么样的
Whatever you want.
你想要什么都行
Don't worry about the cost. You deserve it.
不用在意价格 这是你应得的
This is exciting.
这好刺♥激♥
You're like a genie.
你就像个精灵
What do I rub to make my wish come true?
我该怎么"摩擦"你才能让我美梦成真
I heard it.
我听到我说的了
Oh. I-I already know what my wish will be.
我知道我的愿望是什么了
You can't wish for more wishes.
你不能许你要更多愿望
Damn it.
我靠
So-so what are the limits?
限制是怎么样呢
Are we talking a trip to Disneyland?
是去一趟迪士尼玩的等级吗
More than that.
比那个好
Owning Disneyland?
买♥♥下迪士尼给我呢
Less than that.
比那个差
I really want to own Disneyland.
我很乐意拥有迪士尼呢
Then the Little Mermaid can't tell me,
这样小美人鱼工作人员就不能说
"Pictures with children only."
"只跟小孩合照"了
Okay, I-I know my parameters,
好了 我知道我的礼物范围了
I just have to think about it.
给我点时间想想
Can I have a wish?
我能有个愿望吗
I'll give you a hint: it's pancakes.
给你个提示 是煎饼
You know what, fine, I'll get you pancakes.
行行行 我给你做煎饼去
That's how it's done.
就该这么搞定
I'm sorry,
抱歉
so, after living in his guesthouse for free for four years,
所以在你白住在人家客房♥里四年之后
your billionaire friend is granting you a wish?
你的亿万富翁好友要实现你一个愿望吗
Just one.
只能一个
This is so hard.
好难想啊
Yeah. What do you get for a guy who has... nothing?
是啊 一无所有的人到底缺什么呢
No, I'm serious.
别闹 我是认真的
This is a very tricky negotiation.
这次谈判非常需要技巧
He'll-he'll hate me if I ask for too much,
弄不好他会因为我要太多而恨我
but I'll hate myself if I ask for too little.
可我会因为自己要太少而恨自己
I mean...
我是说
I'll hate myself either way,
怎么选我都会恨自己
but I could be hating myself while Michael Caine
但如果让迈克尔·凯恩当我一天的管家
is my butler for a day.
那我恨自己又何妨
Shall I bring the Volvo round then, sir?
先生 需要我把您的沃尔沃开过来吗
Okay. What do you have so far, besides Michael Caine?
好吧 现在你都想到啥了 除了迈克尔·凯恩外
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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