迈克和茉莉（2010）

Mike & Molly S03E15

Part 1 Dec. 15, 2020, 2:51 p.m.

So my hormone levels are good?
那我的荷尔蒙水平正常吗
More than good, they're outstanding, yes.
不止正常是非常好太好了
My soil is ripe for the planting, Farmer Mike.
我这片土壤已经万事俱备就差植物和农夫Mike了
Who are you talking to?
你在跟谁通电♥话♥
My doctor. He got my test results.
我的医生他拿到了我的检查结果
Oh, good, for a second there, I thought I was getting
还好一瞬间我还以为
roped into doing yard work.
要被拉去院子里干活呢
Oh, thank you.
哦谢谢
Yes, I'm gonna start pounding those prenatal vitamins.
是的我准备开始狂吃产前维生素
I'm gonna have babies coming out of my ears.
我打算让婴儿从耳朵里出来
I know where they actually come out of.
我知道他们实际上是从哪出来的
The stork brings 'em, right?
是送子鹤把他们带来的对不
I'm kidding, I'm ki...
我开玩笑呢我开
Hello?
喂
Why didn't you tell me you went to the doctor?
你为什么没告诉我你去看医生了
I did tell you. I told you last week I had an appointment
我跟你说过了我上周告诉你我约了
with my gynecologist.
我的妇科医生
You know I always tune you out at "Gyn."
你也知道我总是在你刚说"妇"的时候就不听了
Certain things I like kept a mystery.
有些东西我喜欢保持点神秘感
Your lady business is one of them.
你们女人那些事就是其中一种
And how they make pickle and pimiento loaf is the other.
怎么制♥作♥泡菜辣椒面包是另一种
Well, I'm glad I made the variety pack.
我很欣慰我做的是什锦装的
So, are you worried or something?
你在担心什么吗
'Cause you said getting pregnant could take up to a year.
因为你说怀孕要花费一年的时间
No, it can.
没错是这样
I just wanted confirmation that I'm healthy
我只是想确认身体健康
and not sending your troops on a kamikaze mission.
不能让你的"部队"白白送死啊
Cut the metaphors, let's talk like adults.
省省你那些比喻吧我们成熟点直说吧
Is there something wrong with my pee-pee?
是我的嘘嘘有问题吗
Good evening, madam.
晚上好女士
Are you the lady of the house? Come on, Mike, you know me.
你是这家的女主人吗别这样 Mike 你了解我的
I like to be thorough and ahead of the game.
我一直都喜欢有点领先优势
Vince, do you mind?
Vince 别这样成不
Mike and I are trying to have a serious conversation.
Mike和我正在谈正经事
What is more serious
还有什么事能
than a house full of dirt and dust mites?
比充满污垢和尘螨的房♥子更严重呢
Dare I say nothing?
我敢说没有
And even though your house appears to be clean
即使你的房♥子裸眼看起来
to the naked eye,
似乎很干净
trust me when I tell you,
相信我当我告诉你实情时
you are living in filth.
你正生活在污垢之中
Good evening, sir.
晚上好先生
You have a lovely home.
你的房♥子可真漂亮
What the hell is he doing?
他这到底是要干嘛
He got a part-time job selling vacuum cleaners.
他找了份兼♥职♥销♥售♥真空吸尘器
Not just any vacuum cleaner, this is the Cutlass Supreme
这可不是普通的真空吸尘器这是多合一
of all-in-one home-cleaning devices.
家庭清洁设备中的战斗机
Seriously, I was more worried about me.
说真的我更担心自己出问题
As a kid I used to ride my bike over the railroad tracks.
小时候我总是在铁轨上骑自行车
I wanted to make sure nothing got rattled loose.
我想确保没有部位被颠松了
Hey, I rode a boy's bike.
嘿我骑得可是男式单车
You know how many times I bounced off that seat
好多次我从车座上蹦下来的时
and gave myself a seven-ten split?
都让我觉得左右为难
If you're really worried about it,
如果你真的担心
why don't you get tested like I did?
你为什么不像我一样做个检查呢
Easy for you... you just got to lay back,
说得轻巧你只要躺在那
put your feet up, and thumb through Good Housekeeping.
把脚抬起来翻翻杂♥志♥就好了
Mike, that's a pedicure.
Mike 做足疗才会那样
You really don't know how the pickle loaf is made.
你不会懂泡菜饼是怎么做出来的
Hey, where are you going?
嘿你们去哪
I'm not done with my demonstration.
我还没介绍完呢
Yeah, you're doing great.
是你做的不错
Do the steps, then leave me a brochure.
把楼梯扫了再给我留份宣传册
Women.
女人啊
They tell you everything's fine.
她们嘴上说一切都好
Next thing you know, they're pointing
接下来她们就会对着
an accusing finger at your crotch.
你的裆部指指点点
Well, I understand Molly's concern.
我能理解Molly的担忧
You're over 35,
你都过35了
you sit on your big behind all day
你整天坐着
and with a cell phone in your front pocket. So?
还把手♥机♥放在前侧的口袋里这怎么了
That radiation is wreaking havoc on your precious cargo.
辐射会对你的"宝物"造成严重破坏的
Man, you might as well just put your junk
你还不如直接把丁丁
in a microwave and hit the popcorn button.
放到微波炉里再按下爆米花键
If that were really true,
如果这是真的
they'd put a warning label on the phone.
他们该在手♥机♥上贴个警示标签啊
Mm. Like a little sticker with two balls
嗯一根棍配上俩蛋蛋
and a red line through it?
再在上面画条红线表示禁止吗
Government don't care about your scrotum,
政♥府♥才不会在乎你的阴囊呢
they just want your money.
他们只想要你的钱囊
Everything's a conspiracy with you.
你看什么都觉得是个阴谋
It's all around you, you just got to open your eyes.
它就在你身边啊你只需睁大眼睛
And don't get me started about microwave ovens.
这让我想起了微波炉
Here we go.
又来了
How much time do you spend
你通常在
standing in front of one of those things?
那种东西前站多久
Until it dings, Ralph Nader.
直到听到叮的一声维♥权♥先锋
Two minutes, four times a day.
一次两分钟每天站四次
Breakfast burrito, lunch burrito, pre-dinner burrito.
早餐玉米卷午餐玉米卷晚餐前玉米卷
I mean, you got to ask yourself, do you want a baby
我说你得自问一下你是想要个娃
or another burrito?
还是再来个玉米卷
Hey, you know I want to have a kid.
嘿你知道我想要个孩子的
That's why Molly and I have been trying so hard.
这也是我和Molly一直很努力的原因
Well, then you need to take better care of your spermatozoa.
那你最好善待你的精♥子♥
Start showing it the same love and concern
给予它同等的爱和关注
you give a bag of M&M'S.
就像你对待M&M巧克力豆一样
Maybe I could get one of those lead bibs
或许我可以从牙医办公室
from the dentist's office
拿条围嘴
and make a diaper out of it.
做个尿布给自己戴上
Ha. You joke, but that's the way you need to be thinking.
虽然是开玩笑但你也可以考虑一下
In the meantime you should just go get your sperm tested.
同时你应该去做个精♥子♥检测
Find out how many koi you got swimming in your pond.
看看你那池子里游着多少锦鲤
Oh, no, I'm not going to sit in a cold, sterile room
不我才不想坐在冰冷的无菌室里
with a plastic cup in one hand
一手拿着塑料杯
and an old porn magazine in the other.
一手拿着老旧黄色书刊
Unless you have a third hand,
除非你有第三只手
you're going to be there a very long time.
不然你可能要在那逗留好久
Plus, they've updated the porn.
另外他们已经更新了色情杂♥志♥
There's Asian, German, French.
有亚洲的德国的法国的
It's like going through It's a Small World,
就好像在穿越<小小世界>
except all the puppets are humping each other.
只不过所有的木偶都再在彼此身上耕耘
Hang on a second.
等一下
You mean you've actually donated sperm?
你是说你真的捐过精吗
Hey, there are a lot of childless couples out there.
许多无子夫妇都等着呢
It'd be a crime not to share this genetic treasure chest.
不分享基因宝库简直就是犯罪
And they pay you to do that?
做这些他们给钱吗
75 bucks a pop.
一次75美元
That's how I paid for the snow tires on my Blazer.
这样我才有钱给我的车子买♥♥了雪地胎
Oh, my God.
哦天啊
I'm sitting on a gold mine.
我一直坐拥金矿啊
And to think how much money
想想这得有多少钱
has already slipped through my fingers.
已经从我的指尖流过了啊
All right, I'm done eating.
好吧我不想吃了
All right, another bottle of Chardonnay for the ladies
好了女士们的第二瓶夏敦埃酒
and one fertility smoothie for the mommy-to-be.
和一杯准妈妈的增强生育力的奶昔
Hand over the Chardonnay.
把酒拿过来
No more kids for me.
我是不想再要孩子了
Yeah, it's a smoothie, Mom, not a time machine.
这只是杯奶昔妈不是时光机
Well, if it was, first thing I'd do is go back
如果是的话我要做的第一件事就是回去
and get my pre-baby knockers.
找回我产前的丰胸