好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S11E07
Part 1
Nov. 18, 2020, 5:16 p.m.
Thank you.
谢谢
Wow. She's cute. She sure is.
她挺可爱啊 的确
She sucks in bed.
她床技很差[床上口♥交♥]
And not in a good way.
我是指技术很差
Her, too?
她也是拉拉吗
I-I didn't even know she was gay.
我都不知道她是个拉拉
Neither did she, till last Thursday.
她也是到了上周四才知道的
You're like some kind of lesbian zombie
你就像是拉拉僵尸似的
infecting all the women of Malibu.
感染所有马里布女人
I like that.
我喜欢
Must have vagina.
一定要洞洞
Must have vagina.
一定要洞洞
Sounds like some kind of weird help wanted ad
听起来像是艾伦会去贴的某种奇怪
Alan would place.
征求帮助的帖子
So when did you realize that you were gay?
你是什么时候发现自己是拉拉的
What's that I hear?
我刚听到了啥
Is that your own closet door finally swinging open?
是你的某人出柜的柜门打开了吗
Trust me, if I was gay
相信我 如果我是基
you'd be the first one to know.
你一定会第一个"知道"
You know, I think I was in high school
我发现的时候
when I figured it out.
好像是高中吧
A bunch of my friends were having a sleepover
我跟一群朋友一起去朋友家过夜
and we started talking about
然后大家开始聊
what it would be like to kiss a boy
跟男人接吻是什么感觉
and who was the best kisser.
谁的吻技最好
So me and my friend Kimberly,
所以我跟我朋友金伯莉
who was a cheerleader,
她还是拉拉队员哦
decided to settle it by making out.
决定接吻分高下
A-a cheerleader?
拉拉队员吗
Let the woman talk.
女人说话别插嘴
Kimberly was so hot.
金伯莉长得超性感
I still remember how soft her lips felt
我还记得她的香唇有多柔软
as she slipped her hand under my shirt
她当时一边把手伸进我的衣服
and kissed her way down my body.
一边慢慢吻下我的身躯
Must've been a strange and confusing time for you.
当时你一定感觉很奇怪又迷茫
Please continue.
请继续说
She closed her eyes.
她闭上了双眼
She parted her lips.
双唇微开
She arched her back
弓起了背部
and I whispered in her ear,
我轻声在她耳畔道
"Oh, my God,
"我的老天爷啊
Kimberly,
金伯莉
I can't believe
我真不敢相信
these two idiots actually believe this story."
这两个傻♥逼♥真的相信这个故事"
And then what happe... Aw!
然后呢...
Damn it!
我靠
It's not that complicated.
哪有这么复杂啊
The first time you masturbate thinking about the school nurse
你第一次自♥慰♥的时候意淫了学校的护士
you pretty much know.
就大概知道了吧
Oh, my God, I'm a lesbian.
天啊 我也是拉拉
We need to start hanging out with girls who aren't gay.
我们不应该继续跟拉拉一起玩了
Or related to us.
或没有血缘关系的
How 'bout her?
她怎么样
Oh, I suppose I could go talk to her.
我愿意去跟她聊聊啦
I think Jenny was talking about me.
珍妮是在跟我说吧
Oh, really?
是吗
And you assume that just because you're rich and good-looking?
就凭你又富又帅 她就是在叫你上吗
No, I was going to say smart and charming,
没 我本来是打算说聪明 帅气
but if you mix all those ingredients together,
不过再加上我的富裕等等的
you make one delicious hot guy pie.
不就形成了我这可口的性感帅哥吗
Well, your "hot guy pie" is no match for my system.
你的"可口性感帅哥"也没我的招式好使
No, hold on.
不 等等
Going on Craigslist and looking up "escorts"
上综合信息网搜妓♥女♥
isn't a system.
不算是个招
That is not my system,
那才不是我的招
that is my backup plan.
那是我的后备计划
My system consists of the three "C"s:
我的招里有三个小招
connect, charm and cry.
情感连接 讨人喜欢 泪流满面
Works every time.
百试不爽
Uh, okay...
好吧
"Hi, my name's Alan.
"你好 我叫艾伦
that is a beautiful blouse you're wearing.
你身上穿的美丽上衣
My dead wife was buried in one just like it."
跟我死去的妻子的寿衣是一模一样"
Yeah, my system's a lot simpler.
我的招就很简单了
I wait for you to finish talking
等到你跟人家说完屁话
and then I take them home.
我就直接上前把妞带回家
Oh, oh, big words coming from somebody sitting alone next to me.
哎哟 吹风风大也不怕闪了舌头
Okay, fine. Well, let's just go see who she likes better.
行 那我们就去试试 看她比较喜欢谁
Oh, my God.
我的天啊
No one is safe.
谁都会被她撬走啊
Hey, do you think all women are potentially lesbians?
你觉得每个女人都有变拉拉的可能吗
Um, I have 30 years
以我30年来
of masturbating to porn that say yes.
对拉拉黄♥片♥自♥慰♥的丰富经验 有可能
You know, you brag more about your masturbating prowess
你是我所有认识的人里最爱吹嘘自己
than any person I know.
打飞机事迹的人
It ain't bragging if it's true.
都是事实 何来吹嘘之有
Ooh. Alpha bravo, two bogeys on your six.
AB队 六点钟方向有敌踪
Why are you talking like that?
你干嘛这么说话
Oh, my... Did you have a stroke?
不是吧 你中风了吗
It's airplane talk.
这是飞行用语啦
I'm your wingman.
我是你的僚机驾驶员
It... it just means two cute girls just walked in.
我的意思是有两个可爱妞走进来了
Why didn't you just say two cute girls just walked in?
那你就直说不就行了吗
Roger that.
收到
Will you stop that? Over and out.
别这么说话了 通话完毕
They are cute.
她们很可爱啊
So, uh... so what's the play here?
所以我们怎么下手
Um, uh... how about something like, uh...
要不要来个...
"Hey, uh, those seats are taken,
"你们好 你们的位置有人坐了
but our faces aren't"?
但我们的俏脸还有空哦"
How about, "I'm Walden,
不如这样吧 "我叫沃顿
and this is my mute friend Alan"?
这位是我的哑巴朋友艾伦"
Fine.
行
You think you've got such great game, lead the way,
你觉得自己这么行 都听你的吧
Mr. "I'm too good for Craigslist and masturbating."
"老子不屑招♥妓♥与自♥慰♥"先生
Hi.
你们好
Hi.
你好
That's all I got.
我就这一招
Uh, ladies, uh, uh, how much does a polar bear weigh?
女士们 一只北极熊有多重呢
Oh, I don't know.
不知道
Enough to break the ice. I'm Dr. Alan Harper.
够为我们的友谊破冰了 我是艾伦·哈波医师
Uh, this is my associate Walden Schmidt.
他是我的同事 沃顿·施密特
Google him, he's rich.
上网查他 他超有钱
If you Google me, you can see my boobs.
如果你上网搜我 可以搜到我的咪♥咪♥
Also if you do this.
这么做也看得到
Hi.
你们好啊
Oh, oh, uh, take another look,
再看一遍
but this time spell "Attic."
但这次一遍拼出"阁楼"
A-t-t-I-c.
a t t i c[我看见咪♥咪♥]
Oh! I get it.
我懂了
Because these are my tee-tees
因为这是我的咪♥咪♥
and I see them.
而我看见它们了
I'm sorry about my friend.
抱歉 我朋友太失礼了
Walden. Jill.
我叫沃顿 我叫吉儿
So, Alan, what kind of doctor are you?
艾伦 你是哪一科的医生
Oh, I'm a...a chiropractor...
我是脊椎按♥摩♥师
slash brain surgeon.
兼脑外科医生
So, uh, w-what do you guys do?
你们是干什么的
We're princesses at a theme park.
我们是主题公园的公主
Really?
真的吗
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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