好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S11E03
Part 2
Nov. 18, 2020, 5:15 p.m.
I should ask you the same question.
我也想问你同一个问题
What are you doing?
你在干嘛
Well, since Berta is incapacitated,
波塔现在不行了
I have taken the initiative to design and build a chore wheel.
我主动来做出这个家事轮盘
What is a chore wheel?
家事轮盘是什么东西
It is a wheel with a variety of chores on the outside
这轮盘外圈写着各种家事
and names on the inside.
内圈有着名字
I got the idea from my brother Charlie,
这点子是跟查理学的
who had a whore wheel.
他有一个妓♥女♥轮盘
The only name on it is "Walden""
内圈名字为什么只有沃顿
Ah, that's because it was my chore to make the chore wheel.
因为我负责的家事就是做这个轮盘
And your first chore
而你的第一件家事
is...
就是...
"Cleaning Alan's room."
"打扫艾伦房♥间"
That's gonna be tough after last night.
做完过后 这活儿可真够呛
Maybe you should have Daddy do it.
这活儿还是让"爹爹"去干吧
Whoa, somebody found my stash.
有人找到我的大♥麻♥藏货啦
Wasn't hard. It was right here in this box
很轻松啊 就放在这个写着
that says "Not Pot."
"不是大♥麻♥"的盒子里
Very clever.
很有哏啊
I didn't want anybody to find my pot.
我不想别人找到我的大♥麻♥嘛
I was about to write, uh,
我本来打算写
"This Box Contains Poisonous Jumping Bugs,"
"此盒装有剧毒弹跳虫子"
but then I thought, "What if this magic marker
但我后来想到 万一这只魔术笔
is actually magic and it turns my pot
真的有魔力 把我的大♥麻♥
into poisonous jumping bugs?"
变成了剧毒弹跳虫了怎么办
I was really high.
我当时嗑傻了
Uh, you know, I-I really don't think it's a good idea
我真的觉得把大♥麻♥
to mix marijuana with muscle relaxers.
跟肌肉松弛剂混用不是好主意
Oh, those pills are long gone.
那些药我都吃完了
What? You had a good two weeks' worth.
什么 你那是两周的分量呢
Or a great one night's worth.
或者是超爽一夜分量
Oh, bacon.
培根呢
You guys take such good care of me.
你们把我照顾得真好
That's because you take good care of us.
那是因为你平常也是这么对我们
That's because I love you guys.
那是因为我爱你们
I love you more. Shh!
我更爱你
How's your back feeling?
你的背感觉怎么样
Actually, a lot better.
其实感觉好很多了
I think I'm ready to go back to work.
我觉得我能开工了
Oh, really? So you can get up?
真的吗 你起得来啊
Absolutely.
当然
Am I up?
我起了吗
No.
没有啊
Damn.
靠
How 'bout now?
现在呢
Yep, looking good.
有了 不错哦
Told you.
我就说吧
Hey! Bacon!
哇 有培根
Why do these have windows?
为什么它们都有窗子
I don't need to see inside.
我又不需要看到里面
I trust 'em to wash and dry the clothes.
我相信它们能洗干净 烘好我衣服啊
You know, when you think about it,
你要是仔细想想
a lot of appliances have windows.
很多电器都有窗子
Ovens,
烤箱
microwaves.
微波炉
Wait a minute. Are we watching them or are they watching us?
等等 是我们看它们 还是它们在看着我们
Got a little contact high in there with Berta,
抽到了波塔的大♥麻♥余劲吗
did you?
对吧
Not in front of the washer.
别在洗衣机前说
Hey, how old do you think Berta is anyway?
对了 你知道波塔几岁了吗
I don't even know her last name.
我连她姓什么都不知道
You know, I'm just thinkin', I mean, she hurt her back.
我在想 她伤了背部
It's taking her a while to recover.
需要一段时间疗伤
I mean, maybe this job's just getting to be too much for her.
这工作是不是对她开始负荷过大啦
Really?
真的吗
Yeah, I don't know.
对啊 我也不知道
I mean, she's not getting any younger,
她一天比一天老
and it's a pretty labor-intensive job.
这又是很靠体力的工作
Why in the world do you wear boys' husky underwear?
为什么你会穿小男孩的内♥裤♥啊
Okay, you know how some people trim the hedges
有些人修剪树枝桠好让
to make the tree look bigger?
"树"能看起来"大"一些吗
Well, I say stuff the tree in a smaller yard.
我觉得把"树"放进"小院子"里更好
We, when the police raid the house
哪天警♥察♥要是来家里搜查
and find a drawer full of boys' underwear,
找到了一个满是男童内♥裤♥的抽屉
that's not gonna be good for any of us.
我们肯定有得好受
Neither is a drawer full of pot.
满是大♥麻♥的抽屉也好不到哪去
That's why I wrote "Not Pot" on it.
所以我才写了"不是大♥麻♥"啊
So are you saying you think it's time for Berta to retire?
你觉得波塔是时候退休了吗
I don't know. Everyone slows down eventually.
不知道 人总有不堪负荷的一天
Mmm, maybe you're right.
你说得不无道理
Maybe it's time to put the old girl out to pasture.
或许真是时候把老姑娘送去
Send her off to the housekeeper farm upstate.
送到农场去休养的时候了
That might not be the best way to tell her.
这么告诉她可能下场会很惨
What? The-the farm is a beautiful place.
干嘛 那农场风景也很怡人啊
She can run out in the fields with all the other housekeepers.
她可以跟其他退休帮佣一起在草地跑步
There's sponges and fabric softener
海绵与衣物柔软精摆得
as far as the eye can see.
一眼望不到边际
And the only dishes left in the sink are made of chocolate.
而水槽唯一没洗的碗 是用巧克力做成的
I may be a little stoned, too.
我可能也间接抽到了点大♥麻♥
You ever hear about the roommate farm?
那你听过室友农场吗
Berta.
波塔
We got a little surprise for you.
我们为你准备了点小惊喜
Chuck Norris?
查克·诺里斯吗[硬汉]
Fried chicken, cheesecake and beer.
炸鸡 芝士蛋糕与啤酒
That's what my first husband requested for his last meal.
我第一任丈夫死刑前就要求了吃这些
Am I dying?
我要死了吗
Oh, don't be silly.
别傻了
Do you like farms?
你喜欢农场吗
What?
什么
I-I think what he's trying to say is,
我想他的意思是
have you ever thought about hanging up the old toilet brush?
你有想过哪天高挂马桶刷
Raising that vest up to the rafters?
退出帮佣江湖吗
Oh, my God, you're firing me.
天啊 你要炒了我
No. I-I would never fire you.
不 我永远不会炒掉你
I'm talking about retirement.
我是在说退休
Just kicking back,
让你金盆洗手
taking it easy, getting high every day.
放松度日 天天嗑到爽
I do that now.
我现在就这样了啊
Besides, I can't afford to retire.
而且我也退休不起啊
Well, what about that pension plan I set up for you?
我帮你设立的那份退休金呢
I'll tell you what happened to it: life.
"完美"生活带走了那些钱
Your house needs a new roof,
房♥子屋顶需要翻修
your grandson needs braces,
外孙需要带牙套
your daughter's meth lab explodes.
女儿的冰♥毒♥作坊又爆♥炸♥了
What were you planning on doing,
你本来是怎么打算的
working for the rest of your life?
一辈子就这样辛苦地工作下去吗
Nah, I thought about, uh, getting a villa in Tuscany.
我本来打算在意大利买♥♥套别♥墅♥住下的
Then I said, "Nah, I'll just hang around here
最后我想 还是待在这里
and clean the skid marks out of Zippy's underwear."
继续洗二傻子的屎内♥裤♥吧
How about this?
这样如何
What if you could make the same money you're making now
如果能让你领现在同样的薪水
and never have to work again?
以后却再也不用工作 你觉得怎么样
One last job? I like it.
干最后一票吗 我喜欢
Am I driving or shooting?
要我当司机还是要我当枪手
No. You retire,
不 是让你退休
and I'll pay you for the rest of your life.
而我会终身付你薪水
You're gonna pay me for doing nothing?
我不用干活 你还肯付我薪水
Yeah. I call it the Alan Harper Plan.
对 我把它命名为艾伦·哈勃计划
Where's this coming from?
怎么突然冒出这么个想法了
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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