糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories S05E12
Part 5
Jan. 2, 2021, 3:18 p.m.
That's embarrassing.
不过没关系 讲讲你的故事
But never mind. Tell us your story.
好吧 百年战争初期
OK, so it is, err... start of Hundred Years' War,
我与法军同盟
I've allied myself with the French.
1346年 克雷西战役中 我们列队
It is 1346, we are lining up against the English
对抗英军和威尔士军
and the Welsh at the Battle of Crecy.
真疯狂
Sounds crazy!
好吧 在战场上看不见是很不利的
OK. It's a bit of a disadvantage being blind in battle, as you can imagine.
可以想象
As I can imagine.
所以我让我的侍卫
So I asked my bodyguards
把他们的马和我的马用缰绳捆在一起
to tie their horses to my horse with horse reins.
这样我就可以直奔敌军了
And then, I can be directed at the enemy,
于是我马力全开 奋勇抗敌
so I charge full headlong into the battle.
然后 结果怎么样
And, umm... how did that work out for you?
不太妙 我们都送命了
Not so good. We were all slain.
抱歉 我打仗来迟了 因为我脱不开身
Oh, sorry I'm late for battle. I got a bit tied up.
[tie up既有被捆绑之意 也有脱不开身之意]
被马的缰绳捆住了
You know, with the reins?
我们没迟到
Err, we weren't late.
对牛弹琴 去投胎吧
Whatever! You're through to the afterlife.
不好笑
Yeah, it doesn't work.
好吧 好吧 笑话不够用了
All right, all right! I was a bit strapped for a joke. Ooh!
[也有被捆住之意]
捆住 就好像你们被捆在一起
Strapped, like, you're strapped to them.
-有点意思了 -带他出去吧 你们俩
- That kind of works. - Show him out, you two.
从哪里走 你得告诉我
Now, which way are we going, guys? You've got to tell me.
我喜欢这家伙
I like this guy.
说真的 那个脱不开身的笑话绳味十足
Yeah, it's true. My tied-up joke was a bit ROPEY!
我就好像笑话机关枪 哈哈哈哈哈
I'm like a laugh machine gun. Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh,
哈哈哈
laugh, laugh, laugh!
换子弹 哈哈哈哈哈
Reload! Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh!
不好笑 好吧
No? Oh.
死得傻呀死得傻*
*Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
下次不要到你家*
*Hope next time, it's not you
可悲的二战
泳池
早上好 齐弗斯 今天可真热
Morning, Chivers. Riffing hot day, what?
泳池
我得去游个泳
I need a swim.
泳池
女士 您最好还是...
Er, madam, I'm not sure you should...
别说什么废话了
Oh, stuff and nonsense!
我是卡尔顿女子俱乐部的成员
I'm a member of the Carlton Ladies' Club and
我什么时候想游泳
I will go for a swim in
都能去俱乐部泳池里泡一泡
my club's pool when I blooming well want to!
但是女士 您没听说吗
But madam! Have you not heard?
泳池
还有地儿吗
Room for a small one?
他们把池子的水抽干了
They've drained the pool.
改在池子里养猪 以供给战需
They're keeping pigs in it to help the war effort.
有想法
Good for them!
这是不是表示它们也是会员
Does this mean they're members?
真不知道干吗这么大惊小怪
I don't know what the fuss is all about.
我就爱在大便里游泳
I love swimming in poo!
不过这是真的
It's true, though.
卡尔顿女子俱乐部真的在泳池里养猪
The Ladies' Carlton Club did keep pigs in the swimming pool.
战争期间
With a war on,
政♥府♥需要每位民众协助生产食物
the government needed everybody to help produce food.
欢迎收看《后方园艺》 我是主持人
Welcome to Homefront Gardening with me,
艾伦·斯姆伯格
Alan Smallbog.
今天我们来到了这座赏心悦目的花♥园♥
And what a delightful ornamental garden we find ourselves in today.
它是玛杰里·布赖顿·贝拉的杰作
It's the proud work of one Margery Brighton Belle.
你好 玛杰里
Hello, Margery.
早上好 艾伦 你能来真是我的荣幸
Good morning, Alan. It's a pleasure to have you here.
谢谢 今天我们的目标是
Thank you. Now what we're going to be doing today
给你的花♥园♥做些小改造
is making some small changes to your garden
让它跟上战争时代的潮流风尚
to bring it up-to-date with what's going on in the wartime gardening scene.
我们想把这里打造成
We want to see the sort of thing that you might
白金汉宫一般的花♥园♥
find in the gardens of Buckingham Palace itself.
听上去好极了
Well, that sounds lovely.
看看这些漂亮的玫瑰和菊花
So I take these gorgeous roses and chrysanthemums.
我花了八年时间精心培育
Well, that has taken eight years of tender loving care
它们才能开得这么好
to get them blooming just right.
那我们就...
So let's just...
把它们拔掉 然后种上
get rid of them and replace them...
这些
..with these.
胡萝卜和萝卜
Carrots and turnips!
人们被要求种植蔬菜取代花卉
可这根本行不通啊
But that won't work at all!
花♥园♥的布局会被完全破坏的
The whole garden will be completely unbalanced.
你不能在我的装饰花田里种胡萝卜和萝卜
You can't plant carrots and turnips in my ornamental flower bed!
说得没错 玛杰丽
You're not wrong, Margery.
最好把它们都刨出来
Best just dig them all up.
看上去肯定丑死了
That'll look horrible!
确实有可能
That's as maybe,
但想想你能种出多少食物吧
but just think of all the food you'll be growing.
我们现在在打仗 人们在挨饿
There's a war on, people are hungry.
你说过我的花♥园♥会像
You said it was going to be
御花♥园♥和白金汉宫那样的
like the King's garden at Buckingham Palace.
确实是啊 陛下就是这么做的
It is! It's what he's doing there.
[当时国王为乔治六世]
-什么 -他在为人♥民♥做表率
- What? - He's setting an example.
真事
国家需要食物 而人们不能吃菊花
The country needs food and you can't eat chrysanthemums.
就按照这本《挖出胜利》小册子上说的
Just follow the details on this handy government Dig for Victory pamphlet
开始在以前种花的地方种菜吧
and plant veg where your posh flowers used to be.
但现在不是种这些菜的季节啊
But this is the wrong time of year to be planting these vegetables.
而且种菜需要更大的间距
And these need to be spaced further apart.
政♥府♥指导手册是错误的
这本政♥府♥手册给人们的指导
This government pamphlet is giving people completely
完全错了
the wrong instructions.
所以他们不得不更改指示
原来这样 我们根本不用把你的花挖出来
So it is! We needn't have dug up your beautiful flowers.
确定你不能吃菊花吗 艾伦
Are you sure you can't eat chrysanthemums, Alan?
怎么了
Why?
因为你要吃我一记菊花了
Cos you're going to eat these.
什么
What?
你给我过来
Come here, you!
你毁了我的花♥园♥
You've ruined our garden!
愚蠢
开路人
历史真的很糟糕 尤其是在石器时代
History really was horrible, especially in the Stone Age.
你想看糟糕的事 看我们罗马人吧
Now, if you want horrible, check us Romans out.
不对 撒克逊时代才是最糟的
No, Saxon times were the worst.
我觉得你会发现我们斯图亚特人才真糟糕
I think you'll find we Stuarts had it really bad.
冷静 伙计们 历史总是糟糕的
Oh, chill out, guys! There's always been horrible history.
听听这个
Get a load of this.
石器时代创造语言*
*Stone Age brought you speech
农场车轮和火*
*Farms, the wheel and fire
金属冶炼出现*
*Then metal was explored
人类拿起刀剑*
*Which meant we could make swords
杀戮建立王国*
*To kill and build empires
以为古埃及更好*
*Think Ancient Egypt was nicer
法老陵墓 雄伟神殿*
*Pharaoh's tombs, lovely shrines
为使建筑完成*
*But some were living graves
无数奴隶丧生*
*For hundreds of poor slaves
治盲良药是猪眼*
*And pig's eye was our cure for the blind
希腊文明我们发明*
*Greek civilisation our creation
戏剧和哲学*
*Drama and Philosophy
斯巴达颂扬谎话*
*But Sparta praised lying
庆祝屠♥杀♥*
*Celebrated dying
希波克拉底尝尿液*
*And Hippocrates drank wee
[古希腊医师 医学之父]
我们是历史*
*We're History
带给你流血杀戮*
*We brought you bloodshed
希腊人长途进军*
*Greek excursions
去攻打波斯人*
*To battle the Persians
清空尸体内部*
*Disembowelling our dead
糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories
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