糟糕历史（2009）

Horrible Histories S05E05

Part 5 Jan. 2, 2021, 3:16 p.m.

- Are you calling me stupid? - No.
小心我把你放到官方害虫名单里
Because I can have you put on the official vermin list, you know.
购买♥♥第一♥期♥老鹰专刊
Buy issue one on the red kite
免费获赠第二♥期♥刺猬专刊
and get issue two on the hedgehog absolutely free!
此外你还能学到
Plus, find out
刺猬如何在夜里偷吸牛奶
how hedgehogs suck milk from cow's udders at night.
是真的
It's true!
在都铎王朝这是众所周知的事实
It's a well-known Tudor fact.
对真是混♥蛋♥
Yeah, little horrors.
这儿就有一只
Oh, there's one now.
滚过来你这个尖嘴猴腮的偷奶贼
Come here, you spiky little milk thief! Yeah, yeah.
都铎野生动物杂♥志♥
Tudor Wildlife Magazine,
物种灭绝前请赶快购买♥♥
buy it now while species last.
售价四便士或一只死獾
Price - 4 pence or one squashed hedgehog.
可怜的动物们真是残杀无辜
Those poor animals, such a terrible waste of life.
但在都铎时代这并不是唯一的愚蠢死法
But they weren't the only stupid deaths in Tudor times.
汉斯·施泰宁格
愚蠢的死法之
死得傻呀死得傻*
*Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
真人真事乐哈哈*
*They're funny cos they're true
死得傻呀死得傻*
*Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
下次不要到你家*
*Hope next time, it's not you
你下巴上粘了点东西
Oh! Oh, you've got something on your chin there.
原来是胡子
Oh, it's a beard!
抱歉看上去太呆了正配你
Sorry, looks totally stupid. Suits you.
下一位
Next.
慢着这才叫胡子真正的胡子
Whoa, hold the sausage, now that's a beard, that is a beard.
这不是假的吧
Tell me it's not fake.
当然不是这是我的心肝宝贝
Of course not, it's my pride and joy.
几乎一米半长
Almost one and a half metres long.
真牛你是
Wowsers, and you are?
汉斯·施泰宁格
Hans Steininger.
奇葩胡子君
"Weirdy beardy."
不好意思我以自己的胡子为豪
Do you mind? I'm very proud of my beard.
抱歉我太失礼了
Oh, sorry, sorry, how very rude of me.
我听你说话有点口音
Now, I'm trying to place your accent.
你来自哪里是奇葩胡子之国吗
Where are you from, is it Weirdy Beardy Land?
我来自奥地利
I'm from Austria!
好啦别吹胡子瞪眼的
All right, all right, keep your facial hair on.
来来讲讲你的愚蠢死法
Come on then, tell us your stupid death.
我家乡发生大火
Well, there was a huge fire in my home town
我就死命地跑啊
and I had to run for my life.
平常我跑的时候
Now, normally when I run
都得把胡子卷成个球就像这样
I roll my beard up into a ball, like this.
然后单脚跳走
And then hop, I hop along.
可是面对肆虐的火舌仓促之下
But as the flames licked around me, I panicked and ran.
你就忘记了卷胡子
And you forgot to roll your beard up!
正是
Exactly,
然后我被自己的胡子绊倒摔断了脖子
I tripped over my beard and broke my neck.
-你这是用生命在留胡子 -好吧
- That wasn't a close shave. - Yeah.
因为你死了...
Because you died and...
-还留着胡子然后... -好吧
- and you have a beard and... - Yeah.
好吧你可以去轮回了
Anyway, you're through to the afterlife.
真不错
Wonderful.
-别忘了把胡子卷成球 -多谢提醒
- Don't forget to roll your beard up! - Thank you.
不用谢还是别再留那玩意了
You're welcome. You better stop growing that now.
说死就死了
Might be the death of you.
不过反正你们也死了
You can talk.
啦啦啦今天状态超棒
Zing, zing, zing, zing. I'm on fire.
下一位
Next!
死得傻呀死得傻*
*Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
下次不要到你家*
*Hope next time, it's not you
炫丽法兰西
在百年战争期间
In the Hundred Years War,
我们法国真的被英国打得很惨
we French were getting a real pasting from the English.
但你肯定猜不到是谁扭转了乾坤
But you won't believe who came to our rescue.
法国 1429年
恭喜啊
Congratu-very-lations, huh?
才怪我逗你们玩呢局势太糟糕了
Not! Because that was a joke, because it was awful.
别人管这叫百年战争
They call it the Hundred Years War,
感觉就像千年战争一样
it feels like the Thousand Years War.
英国佬又把我们打败了
The English, they beat us again.
而我是法国王太子
So I am Le Dauphin,
法国王位的继承人
I am heir to the throne of France,
我决定起用新人来带领你们
so I have decided we need a new manager.
她会带来新理念
We need someone to come in with new ideas,
直接来自上帝的理念
ideas that come straight from God.
-听起来正是我们需要的 -是啊是啊
- That sounds like exactly what we need. - Oh, yah, yah.
法国士兵们你们的新领导者
Soldiers of France, I give you your new leader --
贞德
Joan of Arc.
-什么 -大家好
- Pardon? - Hiya.
我太期待接下来的一切了
This is going to be so amazing,
王太子的确让还没成年的贞德带领军队
我跟拉克尔讲我要带领军队的时候
cos I told Raquel I was going to be in charge of the army
她还不相信
and she was like, "No way".
然后我又说这是上帝的旨意
But I said God told me to and everything.
她一脸不在乎
She was like, "Whatever".
我要是跟她说一切都成真了
So she's going to be so jealous
她绝对会嫉妒我
when I tell her, actually.
容我问一句这是哪来的小丫头片子
Pardon, Monsieur, who is this little girl?
我其实一点都不小
Er, I'm not little actually,
我有一米四七呢
I'm 4 foot 10,
在我这个年纪算高的了
which is quite tall for my age.
矮点总比你们浑身发臭来得好
Anyway I'd rather be a bit short than stinky like you.
她吧...有点...烦人
She's, er, a little bit, er, annoying, er...
哪只海豚在乱吠
I'm not taking that from a dolphin.
是"Dauphin" 意思是王太子
It is Dauphin, it means prince,
是法国王位的继承人
I am heir to the throne of France.
也有海豚的意思
It also means dolphin.
真的
她跟我说上帝召唤了她
She told me that God speaks to her,
要她帮我们取胜
to tell her to help win some of the battles,
所以我们就给她一次机会
so now we give her a chance.
但她懂打仗之道吗
But what does she know about war?
尚·克劳德斯你带石弓队去最前面
Jean Claudsey, I want you up front with your crossbow men.
杰勒德你负责右路进攻
Gerard, you're on the right wing.
骑兵成楔形阵只用军马
I want the cavalry in wedge formation, destriers only.
她还挺在行
Actually, she's quite good.
我在前线带领军队
I'll be leading from the front.
最后一个杀死英国佬的诅咒他一身屎味
Last one to kill an Englishman smells of poo!
但还是很烦人
But still really annoying.
冲啊
Allez-y!
真的使法国转败为胜的圣女贞德
It's true, Joan Of Arc really was an ordinary teenage girl
的确是个普普通通的少女
who turned the French army from loser to winners.
所以要是你上头有个姐姐巴结巴结她
So if you've got a big sister, do be nice to her,
她可能最后就成军队统帅了
she might end up commanding an army.
是的贞德的故事非常不一般
Yes, Joan's story really was a remarkable one.
[恶搞Jessie J的歌♥曲Price Tag]
行*
*OK!
来个柚子*
*Pamplemousse?
长棍面包布里干酪*
*Baguette and Brie
准备好了吗*
*Are you ready?
贞德来自多雷米*
*I'm Joan of Arc from Domremy
一朝得到神指引*
*Religious visions came to me
上帝旨意法胜英*
*God said save France from the English
太子查理应为王*
*And make Dauphin Charles king
太子意为继承人*
*Dauphin means heir to the throne
无良英国自封王*
*But England claimed the crown as their own
百年战争何时尽*
*We'd had 100 years of war
只靠此女来扭转*
*This girl had to do something
万缕青丝不足惜*
*So I did it like a dude Cut my hair
别了衬衫与长裙*
*Gave up wearing dresses Bought a pair
长裤上身一声吼*
*Of trousers No blouses
只为打败英格兰*
*Said I want to fight Angleterre!