好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S02E17
Part 2
Nov. 17, 2020, 12:09 p.m.
Yeah, but not Dr. Schwartz's doctor, okay?
只要不是薛医生的医生就行了
Dr. Talmadge took over Dr. Schwartz's practice.
托米医生代替了薛医生的位置
It's a little tight right now, but I could squeeze you in.
她的等候名单上人比较多 不过我可以帮你挤进去
That's kind of how this happened.
他就是进不去硬要挤 才成现在这德行
Oh, my. So this was a sexual injury.
哦 原来这个是性♥爱♥伤病
Well, thank goodness you're okay.
还好你没事
This is really gross. Why do I have to do it?
好恶心 凭什么要我♥干♥这个
You want your toilet seat back? Yes.
你想要回你的马桶坐垫吗 当然
Then keep scrubbing.
那就继续刷
You know, taking it wasn't funny. I could have broke my butt.
拿走马桶坐垫可一点都不好玩 差点把我整成肛裂
Oh, come on. How could that not be funny?
哈 那才叫好玩
Don't forget to clean on the outside. That's all you.
外侧你也要刷 那也都是你尿的
And the floor, and the wall. Okay, okay.
还有地板上和墙上 知道了知道了
How in the hell did you hit the wall anyway?
我就纳闷 你怎么有本事尿到墙上的
I don't know, it just gets away from me sometimes.
我也不清楚 即兴创作而已
After a day scrubbing toilets...
经过一天刷马桶的锻炼...
I'm betting you'll be able to pee through a Cheerio at 10 paces.
我保证你能够在十步之外 就射倒一辆古罗马战车
Oh, God.
我的老天
Oh, jeez.
哦 天那
Hey, guess what.
看这个
The Soviet Union is boycotting the Olympics.
苏联拒绝参加奥林匹克运动会
My pain is just a big joke to you, isn't it?
我的痛苦正好让你幸灾乐祸是不是
I offered to help you, Charlie, and you refused, so...
我向你提供了帮助 但你拒绝了 所以...
yeah.
是的
I'll tell you, if you came to me as a patient in this much pain...
但我可以保证 如果你是我的病人而又如此痛苦
I wouldn't make you wait. I'd see you right away.
我不会让你一直这么等 我会立刻给你看病
So would my dry cleaner, but I don't let him touch me either.
我的干洗机也不会让我等 但我同样也不会让它碰我
I could help you, Charlie.
我本可以帮你的 查理
I've already isolated the source of your discomfort.
我已经诊断出了你的病源所在
All that's left would be to realign your vertebrae...
剩下的只是
through a gentle series of manipulations and stretches...
一点点按♥摩♥和拉伸
thereby alleviating your pain.
就能舒缓你的疼痛
Well, you didn't explain it like that. That's different.
听你这么一解释 好像还不错的样子
So you'll let me work on you? Not in a million years.
怎么样 要不要现在试试? 一百万年后你也休想
Fine. Worship at the altar of the American Medical Association.
随你便 美国人对医疗组织敬若神明
Swallow the pharmaceutical companies' propaganda.
对什么诊断都轻信无疑
I'll swallow it, I'll sniff it, I'll insert it rectally.
让我吃也好 闻也行 要杀要剐都可以
Anything to kill the pain. I'm dying here.
只要能帮我消除疼痛 我要疼死在这里了
Mr. Harper, I'm Dr. Talmadge.
哈勃先生 我是托米医生
Hello, doctor.
你好
Hallelujah. It's a miracle.
哇 世界奇迹出现了
So I see you're having some back pain.
你的背疼是吧
That will be $ 100, please.
那就请交一百块钱
Yeah, it started in my back...
从背部开始
but now it's kind of radiating out into a body-wide unbearable agony.
但现在已经开始蔓延到全身都疼了
You have a really cute little nose, you know that?
你的鼻子好可爱 有人告诉过你这个吗
Did the pain start in your lower back? Best I can tell...
疼痛是从背部下面开始的吗 依我拙见...
it's a spasm between L4 and L5.
那是五级的肌肉性损伤
Oh, are you a doctor? Yes, I'm a chiropractor.
你是个医生吗? 我是指压按♥摩♥师
So no.
不是医生就少废话
How did this happen?
怎么弄成这样的
Well, I slipped.
呃 我滑倒了
On an actress.
摔到一个女演员身上了
I can handle this, Alan.
我知道怎么回答 艾伦
Okay, see, the thing is, I was in the middle of...
事情是这样的 我当时在那个里面
An actress.
一个女演员里面
I'm warning you.
我警告你
Do the details really matter? No, no, I think I got the picture.
细节很重要吗? 没有 但我大概知道怎么回事了
There's video if you need it.
欲知详情 我还有录像
Keep it up.
你再来一次试试
Okay, I see here your last visit was four years ago.
根据纪录 你上一次来是四年前
A mild hernia brought about by...
因...引起"轻度疝气"
Okay. I think I'm seeing a pattern here.
我已经看出规律了
He's a sexual compulsive with narcissistic tendencies.
他非常自恋且有性强迫倾向
Oh, so you're a pretend psychiatrist too.
原来你还是心理医师
So, what's the course of treatment here?
那到底应该怎么治疗
A pill, a shot? Maybe one of those epidurals?
吃药? 打♥针♥? 还是做手术?
First I'm going to get your blood pressure and take x-rays.
我先要给你量血压拍X光片
I take blood pressure and xrays. Your mother must be very proud.
我会量血压拍X光片 你妈一定为你骄傲死了
Actually, no.
其实不然
Someone will be in to take you to x-ray.
过会儿会有人来帮你拍X光片
Wait. I'm still in pain.
等一下 可是我现在很疼啊
Try and hang in there. In the meantime...
挺住 也许...
maybe your little buddy can give you a massage.
你这位哥们可以给你来点按♥摩♥
Can you believe her? Yeah, she is something else.
居然有这种女人 难以置信 她的确与众不同
Please don't tell me you're interested in that condescending...
拜托 查理 你不会连那个 自高自大
arrogant excuse for a woman.
目中无人的女人也想搞吧
Pardon me, Alan, but that is a condescending...
请注意你的措辞 她是个 自高自大
arrogant, hot excuse for a woman.
目中无人的"性感女人"
She's just your typical obnoxious MD.
她就是个典型的自大的医学博士
I'm a doctor. I have special license plates.
我是医生 我有专业执照
I can park wherever I want.
我想在哪停车就在哪停车
I know where I wanna park.
我会让她停车的
You're unbelievable. Does your penis have an off switch?
你简直没救了 你那话儿就没个开关吗
A pause button?
或者暂停键
No, just a little freckle.
没 就有点雀斑而已
You're always telling me I should date a better class of woman.
而且你总提醒我 让我搞个高层次的女人
What's classier than a doctor?
还有什么能比医生的层次更高
Oh, please. Four years of med school, two years of internship...
拜托 四年医学院 两年实习
a year of residency, and everybody thinks they're so special.
再加一年工作 然后大家就觉得医生有多特别
But I'll tell you something. A new day is dawning.
但我要告诉你 新时代已经到来
A day of reckoning. And it is spelled HMO.
众所周知 它就叫做HMO
No more country clubs. No more Cadillacs.
俱乐部资格就飞啦 凯迪拉克也飞啦
Just sky-high insurance premiums and low, slow, copay reimbursements.
剩下的只是高得要死的保险费 还有又少又慢的政♥府♥津贴
Just like the rest of us.
就和我们这些老百姓一样
I'll bet she knows a lot of secret anatomy stuff.
我敢打赌她知道人体结构的诸多秘密
You know, places you touch and the top of your head flies off.
就是那些你一摸就爽到不行的地方
If you have sex with a doctor, there's a chance they'll split...
如果跟个医生上♥床♥的话 也许会遇到夜里
in the middle of the night for an emergency.
她得接紧急电♥话♥的情况
Well, that's just a price you'll have to pay.
那就是你要为此付出的代价
No, no. That works for me.
没关系 其实我不介意
Okay, I finished the toilet, the shower.
我已经把马桶 淋浴间
And the sink. What took you so long?
洗脸池都清洗过了 怎么弄这么久
I went to the bathroom, and I had to start over.
我又上了一次厕所 所以只好重新弄一遍
Take these, and get started on the kitchen floor.
拿上 现在打扫厨房♥地板
Why? I didn't pee in here.
凭啥 我又没在这里尿尿
Okay, once, but it was in the sink.
好吧 其实有一次 但那也是在洗手池里
The sink? How'd you manage that?
洗手池? 你怎么想的啊
It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back...
其实也不是很难 你只要多喝点啤酒 身体往后倾斜
and figure the angle.
调整角度 然后发射
So tell me about Dr. Talmadge.
跟我讲讲托米医生
Is she seeing anybody? Yes.
她有跟谁约会吗? 有
Is it serious? Dog bite.
当真的吗? 露水情缘而已
No, I mean... Charlie, give it a rest.
我是说... 查理你能不能歇歇?
What?
为啥
You're sitting here in pain because of a casual sexual encounter...
你万分痛苦地坐在这里 正是由于跟个女的乱搞
and now you're trying to drum up another one.
而现在 你又在想着去搞另一个
Yeah, so? Don't you get it?
有道理 所以? 你学不乖吗
Your entire life is about jumping...
你终其一生只是
from one shallow, meaningless relationship to the next.
不停地寻花问柳
And?
还有呢
You're a grown man. You can't go through life...
你长大了 你不能一生
drinking and partying and humping anything that doesn't shake you off.
都骄奢淫逸无所事事
Yes, I can.
有什么不可以的
But sooner or later, it's gonna catch up to you.
早晚你会遭天谴的
Eventually, you will have to pay the piper.
你始终会付出代价的
Who says? Everybody says.
谁说的? 大家都那么说
Really? Because I'm just hearing you.
但我好像只听见你一个人这么说
If 2000 years of human history has taught us anything...
在人类两千年的历史里 如果我们能学到点什么
it's that there is karmic justice in the world...
那就是善有善报恶有恶报
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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