好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men S02E17
Part 1
Nov. 17, 2020, 12:09 p.m.
Here. This is for you.
这个 送给你的
Thank you.
多谢
And I didn't get you anything.
不过我囊中羞涩 没什么好送你的
It's your kid's toilet seat.
这是你家小孩的马桶座
It's obviously in his way, and I'm tired of cleaning it.
他尿得上面全是 恶心得我已经不想再洗了
Oh, come on, Berta.
拜托 波塔
He's 11. He's a pig.
他才十一岁 他是头猪
I'll talk to him.
我会找他谈的
While you're at it, you may wanna mention...
那你也顺便提一下他玩具箱里
the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches in his toy chest...
吃了一半的鸡蛋三明治
the dead marine life at the back of the closet...
柜子里死掉的海军陆战队玩具小人
and the booger collection under the bed.
还有他收藏在床底下的一大坨鼻屎
I'll do my best to address your concerns.
我会尽我所能转达你的意见
Don't condescend to me, Zippy. I'll snap you like a butter bean.
别用这种口气跟我说话 小心我把你像根豆芽菜一样拧断
Excuse me. Is one of you Alan?
打扰一下 你们中有人叫艾伦吗
I'm Alan.
我就是艾伦
Oh, good. Charlie wants you to come upstairs.
好极了 查理要你上楼来一下
Why? Well, it's kind of hard to explain.
干啥 这个...有点难解释
Try. Oh, yeah, try.
试试看 是啊是啊 试试看
Well, he's kind of stuck.
他有点被困住了
In what? In what?
困在什么里了 困在什么里了
Not in anything, just stuck.
不是在什么里面 就是困住了
Would you hurry?
能不能快点
Where are you going? Oh, like I'm gonna miss this?
你来干嘛 你以为我会错过这场好戏?
Charlie? Are you okay?
查理 你没事吧?
Do I look okay?
难道我看上去像没事吗
What happened? I pulled my back.
怎么回事? 我腰扭了
I didn't do anything. I was lying there and he started screaming.
我啥也没做 我只是躺在那里 然后他就开始嚎叫了
I understand. I mean, I wasn't just lying there.
我完全理解 不过 我可没只是躺在那儿
I got it. Damn, I wish I had a camera.
我懂我懂 好可惜 要是有个照相机就好了
That's okay. It's all on video.
没事 那边就正在拍录像
Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something.
艾伦 你是个指压按♥摩♥师 快做点什么
Really? You want my help?
这样啊? 你开始需要我的帮助了?
Even after you referred to my profession as, what was it...
我记得你才形容过我的职业 是什么来着...
"urban voodoo"?
"江湖郎中"?
I'm sorry. Now help me.
我错了 快帮帮忙
Okay. Okay. We'll see what we can do.
好 好 我将尽我所能
Yeah, yeah, okay, very funny, very funny.
是啊是啊 真好笑 真好笑
Hold on. Berta, I'm gonna need a dead rooster.
你等一下 波塔 我需要一只死公鸡来施展法术
Check your kid's room.
到你小孩房♥间里去找
Excuse me, Charlie, sorry you're not feeling well, but I have an audition.
对不起 查理 我知道你不好受 但我有个试镜得走了
Go. It's a Wheat Thins commercial.
去吧 是个无糖麦片的广♥告♥
I'm an actress. Of course you are.
我是个演员 我自然知道
I had a nice time, Charlie.
我感到很愉快 查理
I'll call you. Great.
我会打给你的 好的
Oh, if you find my tongue stud, let me know.
如果你找到我的舌环告诉我一下
Okay, let's see what we've got here.
来 让我检查下你什么情况
Is this tender? A little.
这样疼不疼? 有点疼
On a scale of one to ten? I don't know. Three?
从一到十 这样算几? 大概三吧
Okay, what about this? Four.
这样呢 四吧
And what about this?
这样呢
I'm gonna need a number, Charlie.
别乱叫 给我个数字
No, no, I changed my mind. Leave me alone.
算了算了 我改主意了 你别管我了
Oh, don't be a baby.
别像个小孩一样
Stay away. I have to examine you.
离我远点 我得检查你一下
It's okay. I'm better. No, you're not.
我好多了 别管我 你没有
Now, stop moving. Really, I'm fine. Just don't...
现在别乱动了 我真的没事了 别...
Ten. Ten. That's a ten.
十 十 现在是十了
Are you happy? Do I look happy?
你开心了? 我看上去像开心吗
Let's get you back on the bed so I can give you an adjustment.
上♥床♥来 我可以帮你调整位置
No, no, no, no. New plan.
不要不要 我有个主意
I need someone who can give me drugs.
我需要点镇痛剂
I'm not holding, but I can make a couple calls.
我现在手头没有 不过我几个哥们可能有
Drugs just mask the problem.
镇痛剂只会让问题更复杂
Fine, mask it. Throw a cape on it, and let it fight crime.
让它更复杂好了 给我镇痛剂 让我和罪恶斗争到底
I just want it to go away.
我只想不疼而已
Good news. I think I know where Wheat Thins lost her tongue stud.
好消息 我想我找到那个舌环了
For the love of God.
我的天啊
Oh, mommy.
我的妈呀
Feeling better?
好点了?
No, I just passed out for a second.
没 我刚失去知觉了
Berta, I'm gonna take Charlie to the doctor.
波塔 我要带他去看医生
You keep an eye on Jake. Fine.
你帮我照顾一下杰克 好的
Whoa, hey.
哇塞
And please put his toilet seat back on.
还有 请把他的马桶坐垫放回去
I really think you should put on your seat belt.
我觉得你应该把你的安全带系上
Do you now?
去你♥妈♥的♥
Did you forget it took three of us just to put on my shorts?
难道你忘了刚才我们 三个人才合力穿上我的裤子吗
Suit yourself. I should call your doctor and tell him we're coming.
随你便 应该打个电♥话♥给你的医生 通知一声我们来了
What's his number? I don't know.
他号♥码多少? 不知道
All right, I'll call directory assistance. What's his name? Where's he located?
好吧 那我打给询问台 你医生叫什么名字 哪里的
Dr. Schwartz. Beverly Hills.
比佛利山的薛医生
You're kidding, right? Do I look like I'm kidding?
你在开玩笑吧 我这样子像在开玩笑吗
Well, I need a first name.
我需要知道他的姓
I remember his receptionist's name. Julie.
我记得他的前台小姐的名字 茱莉
Cute redhead with a slight speech impediment.
好可爱的红头发 但有点语言障碍
She called me "Charlie."
她叫我"查尼"
I almost asked her out once...
我差点就泡她了...
but I couldn't face the inevitable phone calls.
但我想到要接她电♥话♥就郁闷
"I love you, Charlie. Don't leave me."
"额乃泥 查尼 别离开额"
Yeah, yeah, and your doctor's first name is?
好吧好吧 那你医生姓什么
Oh, I have no idea.
呃 完全没印象
Idiot.
傻叉
Yes, Beverly Hills, California.
是的 加州比佛利山
Dr. Schwartz.
薛医生
Yeah, I don't know the first name.
我不知道他姓什么
No, I'm not kidding.
没 我没在开玩笑
There are 128 Dr. Schwartzes in Beverly Hills.
比佛利山有一百二十八个薛医生
What street is he on?
他到底在哪条街
Wilshire Boulevard, I think.
威尔士大道 我猜的
Wilshire Boulevard, we think.
威尔士大道 我们猜的
Okay, we're down to 47 Schwartzes.
我们把范围缩减到四十七个了
Just forget it. Drive down Wilshire. I'll know the building when I see it.
别管了 你就沿着威尔士大道开下去 看到那幢楼我就认识了
Never mind, we're gonna play...
没事了 我们决定在比佛利山玩
find the Jewish Doctor in Beverly Hills.
"寻找薛医生"的游戏
Wait, wait. There it is.
到了 就那个
Now, you see, that wouldn't have happened...
你看 早知今日 何必当初
if you'd been wearing your seat belt.
系了安全带这种事就不会发生了
Alan, if I can ever use my legs again...
艾伦 只要我有生之年
the first thing I'm gonna
还有机会再用我的腿
do is kick your ass into your throat.
我要做的第一件事 就是把你的屁♥股♥踹到你喉咙里去
That's not Julie.
那个不是茱莉
So? It's just important to me that you know.
所以? 我觉得你有必要知道这事
Can I help you? Yeah, I'm Charlie Harper.
有什么需要帮助的吗 我是查理·哈勃
I need to see my doctor. Do you have an appointment?
我需要见我的医生 你有预约吗
No, but this is an emergency.
没有 但这是急诊
He has to get back to Notre Dame and ring the bell.
他赶着回里士满敲钟
Oh, I get it. He's hunched over. That's funny.
我明白 他用力过猛了 好好玩哦
Yeah, can I see my doctor, please?
是是是 我能见我的医生了吗
Who's your doctor? Dr. Schwartz.
你的医生是谁 薛医生
Stanley Schwartz? Yes, Stanley.
斯坦利·薛? 我想起来了 叫斯坦利
It's Stanley. Thank you.
你想起来得真及时 谢谢
When was the last time you were here?
你上次来这里是什么时候
I don't know. A couple of years ago. Why?
记不清了 几年前吧 有什么关系吗
Dr. Schwartz passed away. Oh, no.
薛医生已经去世了 哦 真不幸
So where's Julie?
那茱莉在哪里
Julie we had to let go.
我们解雇她了
She was playing a little fast and loose with the old prescription pad.
她把处方单当儿戏
I'm guessing Valium.
我会想念她的
Is there somebody else who can see him?
还有别的医生能看吗
好汉两个半（2003）
Two and a Half Men
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