神兽

The Unicorn S01E01

Part 3 Nov. 22, 2019, 12:19 p.m.

天哪这东西本来就回应这么快的吗
My God. Is it supposed to work this quickly?
对你这样一米八的大暖男来说是的咯
Six-foot cuddler like you? Hell yeah.
-对头 -我的天哪
- Word. - Oh, my God.
我收到十五条消息了
I've got 15.
-什么 -这软件太牛了
-What? - This app is amazing.
不是这软件厉害
No, it's not the app.
我姐姐梅格这些社交软件全玩过
See, my sister Meg is on all these dating sites.
她老司机了
She knows all about this.
你是一只独角兽
You are a unicorn.
-我是个啥玩意 -一只独角兽
- I'm a what? - A unicorn.
就那种让人捉摸不透的生物
You know, that elusive creature
那种单身女人都在寻求的生物
that all single women are looking for.
你知道嘛这些软件上大部分的男人
See, most of the men on these dating sites
都在遭遇中年危机或者离婚
are having midlife crisis. They're getting divorced.
-买♥♥保时捷 -没错
- They're buying Porsches. - Yep.
还跟25岁小年轻调情
They're hooking up with 25-year-olds.
你是一个好父亲
You are a devoted father,
你是一个忠诚的丈夫
you are a devoted husband, and...
好的是
not for nothing,
你二十年来没有跟除了吉尔之外的人上♥床♥
you haven't had sex with anybody besides Jill in, like, 20 years,
所以
so...
你像新鲜出炉一样抢手啊老兄
you're factory fresh, buddy.
更准确来说他是经过认证的二手货
Technically, he's, like, certified pre-owned.
你为什么对每件事都要评论一下
Why you got to put your own spin on everything?
看看这是谁
Oh, well, what do you know?
这是我姐妹梅格
That's my sister Meg.
不要点她
Do not click on her.
等一下你们是说
Wait. Are-are you guys saying
这些人喜欢我的原因是因为吉尔死了吗
that all of these women are only into me because Jill died?
没错
Yep!
不是不是
No, no, no, no.
我不想被这件事所定义
I don't want this to be what defines me.
我已经过了一年被人怜悯的日子了
I spent the last year of my life being pitied.
以前大家看到我会说 "韦德过得好吗"
People used to see me and say, "Hey, Wade! How you doing?!"
现他们是 "韦德你没事吧"
Now they say, "Hey, Wade. How you doing?"
我不想要同情约会
Last thing that I want is pity dates.
但是换个角度想想
Think about it like this though.
同情约会也能带来同情性♥爱♥
Pity dates sometimes lead to pity sex. Mm.
相信我我是过来人
Believe me, I speak from experience.
他没有说错
He's not wrong. Mm.
但这不是我想要的
Okay, that's not what I want,
所以我就还是选普通的单身吧
so I'm just gonna go with plain old "Single."
感情状态
你准备好开始你的旅程了吗
就这样
And just like that,
独角兽变成了普普通通的呆马
the unicorn becomes a regular dumb horse.
马有什么不好的
You know what? There's nothing wrong with a horse.
一匹简单的棕眼骏马
Just a plain brown-eyed horse.
浅棕色
Brownish-hazel.
或者说绿色再见
Or green. Bye.
看看你
Look at you.
-你们觉得怎么样 -你看上去棒极了
- What do you think? - You look fantastic.
是的但是也许可以用法式塞衣试试
Yeah. I mean, it-it could use a-a French tuck, maybe.
-我不知道那是什么 -我来告诉你
- I don't know what that is. - Oh, I'll show you.
看我的我是这么考虑的
Watch this. You know what I'm thinking?
你介不介意我把手塞进你裤子里
Do you mind if I shove my hands down your pants?
不介意你要做什么就做吧
N-No, no, no. Do what you got to do.
我的想法是看着
I'm thinking-- watch this.
-是什么 -半法式
- What? - Half a French.
福里斯特
Forrest.
没错
Yeah.
我觉得看上去不错知道吗
I'm not mad at that. You know what?
丹妮尔肯定对你欲罢不能
Danielle's not gonna be able to keep her little hands off ya.
我的天啊我还在呢
Oh, my God, I'm in here.
我不是没说你♥爸♥
Oh. I'm-- N-Not your dad.
没人会碰他的他恶心死了
Nobody's touching him. He's gross.
琳达乔伊斯快我们出去散步
Linda, Joyce! Come on! Let's go for a walk.
小宝贝们
Oh, babies.
小娜
Hey, Nat.
我看起来怎么样
How do I look?
呆
Dumb.
帅呆了对吧
Dumb awesome, right?
别这样小娜我只是想听听你的...
Oh, come on, Nat. I just want to get your opin...
爸不用管她她没事的
Dad. Don't worry about her. She'll be fine.
-出去开心一下吧 -好吧
- Now go and have fun. - Yeah.
婚戒
Wedding ring.
我不知道能不能摘下来
I don't know if I can take it off.
听着韦德
Look, Wade,
我知道这很艰难但这是好事
I know that this is hard, but this is good.
这是拥抱未来我要抓住...
This is saying yes to the future. I'm gonna grab...
谢谢迪莉娅
Thank you, Delia.
我说的是不知道还能不能从手指上摘下来
What I mean is I don't know if I can get it off my finger.
我已经20年没摘下来过了
It hasn't been off in 20 years.
你只要在冷水里泡泡就行了
You just dip it in cold water.
这样可以让四肢萎缩
It makes extremities shrink.
这可是根手指
It's a finger.
这个日本青椒一入口很好吃
These shishito peppers are great
但是过一会儿就嘭嘴巴着火了
until suddenly-- zoom-- your mouth is on fire.
韦德你经常约会吗
Do you date a lot, Wade?
没有没有我...
No. No. I, um...
把时间都花在工作上了吗
Spend a lot of time at work?
-对没错 -所以这就是你单身的原因
- I do, yeah. - So that's why you're single.
对我觉得是原因之一吧
I guess it's among the reasons, yeah.
聊聊你的情况吧
So, um, tell me something about you.
-你喜欢什么类型的音乐 -摇滚
- What kind of music do you like? - Rock.
你在网上见过多少人
How many people have you met online?
不太多
Not many.
哪种摇滚硬核吗
What kind of rock? Hard?
还是慢摇你最喜欢哪种
Soft rock? What's your favorite?
买♥♥单
Check.
怎么了为什么
What? Why?
-你结婚了买♥♥单 -我没有
- You're married. Check. - No, I'm not.
看看你无名指上的印痕再说吧
Tell that to the white circle on your ring finger.
不是这个啊不是不是
Oh. No, this-- No, no, no, no.
丹妮尔这个我可以解释
Danielle, this, I-I can explain this.
-我不跟出轨的人约会 -但我没出轨
- I don't date cheaters. - But I'm not a cheater.
我就算想出轨也出不了我妻子去世了
Look, I couldn't cheat if I wanted to. My wife died!
是一年前的事了
It was a year ago.
我今天刚刚把婚戒摘下来
And I just took my wedding ring off today.
真对不起
I am so sorry.
日本青椒给你免单了
I'm gonna comp the shishito peppers.
不用了没事的
Oh, that's-that's okay.
-你一定觉得我很糟糕吧 -没有我...
- You must think I'm awful. - No. I...
坐在墙角的顾客向你们致意
Compliments of the people in the corner booth.
没有必要这样
That's not necessary.
墙角的几位谢谢你们
Corner booth, thank you.
但是真的没有必要
But, really, that's-that's not necessary.
对不起
I'm sorry.
我就想避免这种情况
This is what I was trying to avoid.
好吧
Yeah.
那你想不想走
So do you want to leave?
也好吧
Might as well.
我家离这里就五分钟的路
My place is, like, five minutes from here.
那还真是很方便呢
Oh, wow, that's really convenient for you.
你...
You...
你是说我...
You mean me, to...
真的吗
Really?
-好好啊 -好吗
- O-O-Okay. - Okay?
-好啊 -走吧
- Okay. - All right.
走吧
All right.
抱歉
I'm sorry.