闺蜜离婚指南（2014）

Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce S01E09

Part 1 April 6, 2021, 9:56 a.m.

《闺蜜离婚指南》前情提要
Previously on Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce...
明天是我传奇之子的媒体预展
My Infant Fabuleux press preview's tomorrow.
如果觉得这很蠢你得告诉我
You have to tell me if this is stupid.
我觉得这配不上你
I think it's beneath you.
-承认吧你是觉得无聊了 -不不不
- Just admit you're bored. - No, no, no, no, no.
无聊和令人窒息有很大的不同
There's a big difference between being bored and being suffocated.
我想和你上♥床♥
I want to sleep with you.
你才是那个想和每个人睡的人
You're the one that wants to sleep with everyone else.
乔我以为你晚上到
Jo, I thought you were coming tonight.
我决定别把这大好时光浪费了
Eh, I decided not to lose the day.
你怎么不告诉我一声
Hi. I wish I knew.
你不用说出来
You don't have to say it.
我真希望能在对的时间遇到你
I wish I was in the right place for you.
可不是我让你宣告全世界
I'm not the one who told you to tell
你写的是满纸谎言
the world you were full of shit.
要我提醒你
Do I need to remind you
我不知道以后的钱从哪儿来
that I don't know where our next dollar's coming from?
我正深陷麻烦中呢
I'm in real trouble.
-我离开弗朗普金斯了 -什么
- I left Frumpkis. - What?
这次
For...
是永远分手了
good this time.
所以佐伊才会过来
That's why Zooey's coming down.
我们要重新开始
We're starting over.
我不会再自讨苦吃了
I'm not getting sucked in again.
是你太过分了弗朗普金斯
No, you crossed the line, Frumpkis!
佐伊搬来这里是因为你根本无法...
Zooey's moving out here because you are in no shape to be--
-声音小点 -你那边是什么声音
- Shh! Keep it down. - What's that in the background?
你会把大家都吵醒的
You're gonna wake everybody up.
你在看黄♥片♥吗
Are you watching porn?
我的天哪
Oh, my God.
全家人都能听见你的声音
The whole household can hear you.
你个恶心的死变♥态♥ 我挂了
Okay, you sick mother-- I'm hanging up.
-真♥他♥妈♥服了 -大家都能听到你
- Unbelievable. - Everybody hears you.
我听到音乐声呻♥吟♥声
I hear this moaning and this music
还有个男的叫道 "我想射在你奶♥子♥上"
and then some dude yelling, "I want to come on your tits."
莉莉从楼上下来了
Lilly coming down the stairs.
早安亲爱的你睡得如何
Good morning, sweetheart. How did you sleep?
刚刚怎么那么大声
What's with all the yelling?
莉莉我跟你讲几个关于男人的事
Lilly, let me tell you a few things about men, okay?
他们是被独眼蛇带来的野兽
They are beasts led around by a one-eyed snake.
这个观点来自于一个很愤怒的女人
And that is the opinion of one very angry woman.
莉莉别忘了乔的女儿
Lilly, don't forget that Jo's daughter,
佐伊要来看我们
Zooey, is coming to visit.
你告诉过我说了无数遍了
Yeah, you told me, like, a million times.
别打给我了
Stop calling me!
删了我的号♥码你个死变♥态♥
Lose my number, you disgusting pervert!
"你个死变♥态♥"
"Yeah, you disgusting pervert."
我没想到角角还会说这种话
Wow. I didn't know that Horny knew that kind of language.
毕竟它名字就透着饥渴
Well, his name is Horny.
查德教了角角好多脏话妈妈
Chad teaches Horny a lot of bad words, Mama.
是吗
Does he?
我能去看电视吗
Can I go watch TV now?
你可以看一个节目
You can watch one program.
-太棒了 -喝完果汁
- Yeah! - Drink your juice.
-就回来吃早饭 -好的
- Come back for breakfast. - Okay.
-我问你个事 -什么
- Let me ask you something. - Yeah.
弗朗普金斯知不知道
Is Frumpkis on the same page as you
佐伊要来加利福尼亚
about Zooey being in California?
不知道
Not exactly.
他甚至不知道是哪天来
He doesn't even know what day it is.
你得跟律师商量一下这件事
Then you need to get with a lawyer on that.
我朋友莱拉她离开...
My friend Lyla, when she left--
对哦她后来怎么样了她在哪
Oh, yeah, what happened to her? Where is she?
我的天哪你在开玩笑吗
Oh, my God, are you kidding?
我跟你说过八千遍了
I have told you that 8,000 times,
可你总盯着手♥机♥屏幕
but your head is always on the screen.
你别老是盯着手♥机♥看
You need to actually look up once in a while,
跟人进行一下眼神交流
maybe make eye contact with somebody.
不必抵抗
There's no fighting it.
我们的孩子成了电子人
Our children are cyborgs.
机器人要占领世界了
Robots are taking over the world.
不过别担心那些机器人
But don't worry, because the robots
会把我跟你妈妈这样的老人活捉
are gonna round up all the old folks like me and your mom.
然后做成给亚洲人吃的食物
They're gonna grind us into food for the Asians.
真是既可怕
That is terrifying
又种族歧视
and racist all at the same time.
-太厉害了 -我尽力了
- That was impressive. - I try my best.
天哪连看你穿衣服我都会硬
Jesus, even watching you put clothes on makes me hard.
你看什么都会硬
Everything makes you hard.
美女
Hey, gorgeous,
将近十一年我都过着无性婚姻
I was in a sexless marriage for almost 11 years.
连看粘合扣都会硬
Velcro makes me hard.
我很想叫你回床上来但你可能会拒绝
I'd ask you to come back to bed, but you'll probably say no.
不行
I can't.
-考特尼知道我们的事了 -什么
- Courtney knows about us. - What?
你怎么没跟我说
Why didn't you say something?
我本想告诉你
I wanted to tell you,
但是昨晚根本没机会开口说话
but we weren't doing much talking last night.
她要我们放弃亚洲市场
She threatened to go to Albert
否则就告诉艾伯特
unless we give up the Asian market.
她原话是怎么说的
What did she say exactly?
不提别的她说要让我的律师资格被吊销
Among other things, that she'd have me disbarred.
去他妈的吧
Well, screw her.
告诉她尽管放马来
Tell her to do her worst.
戈登她可以让我的律师资格被吊销
Gordon, her worst is to have me disbarred,
那样我的事业就完了
and there goes my career.
再说你之前不是说
And anyway, what ever happened to,
"韩国爱咋咋地"吗
"Who gives a shit about Korea?"
确实但是我不爽
I don't, but I do give a shit
那个女人玩弄我们
about that woman pushing us around.
而且你根本不需要事业
And you don't even need a career.
-你已经有我了 -你说什么
- You have me now. - Excuse me?
我很爱我的工作就算我不爱
I love my job, and even if I didn't,
怎么你打算毁了我的生活
what, you're gonna take care of me
然后一辈子照顾我吗
and pay for the life that you've ruined?
不用了谢谢
No, thank you.
迪莉娅听我说
Delia, listen.
你看那身材她吃饭吗
Wow. Look at that. Does she eat?
洛杉矶真是太刺♥激♥人了
L.A., it's just so relentless--
太阳天空色彩
the sun, the sky, the color,
苗条性感那些抑郁的人都在哪里
skinny, sexy--where do the depressed people go?
他们都很抑郁只是吃了很多药
Oh, they're all depressed. They're just heavily medicated.
-你说真的吗 -是的
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
我只想要我的孩子我需要我的孩子
I just want my kid. I need my kid.
你孩子肯定认不出我
Your kid's not even gonna recognize me.
我上次见她时她才六岁
I haven't seen her since she was, like, six years old.
会记得的她记性很好
Oh, she will recognize you. She's got a lot on the ball.
她就是我的大脑
Trust me, she's my brain.
还会提醒我什么时候去做子♥宫♥颈抹片检查
She reminds me when my pap smears are, seriously.
还是别告诉别人了喂沃伦
I wouldn't tell people that. Hello? Warren?
艾比大家都在聊你的新想法
Abby, everyone's still buzzing here about your pitch.
是吗那太好了
Really? That's so exciting.
赫芬顿的一位编辑很喜欢
Look, an editor at HuffPo loved it--
离婚艾比的奇葩视角
the whole train-wreck post-split Abby angle.
-实际上 -他们想让你写篇文章
- Well, that's not really-- - They want you to do a piece.
两天十约
Ten dates in two days--
主打约会灾难这个主题
really play up the whole dating disaster angle.
一定要让人♥大♥跌眼镜还要诙谐不失幽默
Go big on the shock value, the funny.
听起来很有技术含量呀
Yeah, but that sounds so gimmicky.
报酬是1500刀