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我有三个孩子
I have three children,
都一边大
all the same age,
我现在跟女儿一起住
and I currently live with my daughter.
其实 我...我没离异
Actually, I'm...I'm not divorced.
其实我是丧偶
I'm a widow, actually.
我知道 确实很难过
I know, sad, sad, sad.
当时着火了
There was a fire,
我们整栋房♥子都烧毁了
and our whole house burned down.
我们几乎失去了一切
We lost almost everything.
他甚至不是死于火灾
He didn't even die in the fire.
他是之后在医院死于心脏病
He died of a heart attack in the hospital after.
他救了狗
He saved the dog.
他们称之为寡妇制♥造♥者
They call it a widowmaker.
我甚至不在同一个房♥间 我在吃糖
I wasn't even in the room. I was eating a candy bar.
我觉得我表现不好
I don't think I'm doing great.
我也是
Yeah, me neither.
对了 我是米格尔
Oh, by the way, I'm Miguel,
我离婚了
and I'm divorced.
我和孩子住在不同的州 他们讨厌我
I live in a different state from my kids, and they hate me.
你好 米格尔 我是丽贝卡
Oh, hi, Miguel. I'm Rebecca.
我是个寡妇 一说起丈夫的去世就停不下来
I'm a widow who can't seem to stop talking about her husband's death.
如果下一个也不好 我们就走吧
If this next one's a dud, can we just get out of here?
-好的 -好
- Deal. - Great.
一会儿见
See you soon.
丽贝卡
Rebecca.
马特·迪克森
Matt Dickson,
家长会的那位
from the PTA.
很高兴再见到你
It's nice to see you again.
我也很高兴见到你
It's good to see you, too.
你最近怎么样
How are you?
好的 今天是把家人带来上班的一天
Okay, so, today is officially take most of your family to work day.
我带来了杰克 海莉和我妈妈丽贝卡
I brought Jack and Hailey and my mom, Rebecca.
她钢琴弹得非常好
Yeah, and she's actually a really great piano player.
-一般吧 -不 她弹得很好
- I'm okay. - No, she's really great.
所以 今天的即兴音乐会
So, I figured, for our jam session today,
我们有了一位客座音乐家
we could have a guest musician.
你觉得呢 妈妈
What do you think, Mom?
我的天 他们会杀了你的
Oh, my God. They're gonna kill you.
你打算什么时候告诉他们
When are you gonna tell them?
我们打算吃甜点之前
We're thinking right before dessert.
马利克要做蓝莓派
Malik's making blueberry pie.
聪明
Smart.
你们要在之前拍拍他们的马屁
You got to butter them up beforehand.
迎合一下他们的自尊心
Stroke their egos a little bit.
问问爸爸那个戒毒倡议
Ask about Dad's addiction initiative thing.
他喜欢讨论那个
He loves talking about that.
安妮 你还会讲敲敲门笑话吗
Annie, you still got knock knock jokes?
感觉我已经过了讲敲敲门笑话的年龄
I feel like I've aged out of knock knock jokes.
如果我需要帮助 我会给你个信♥号♥♥ 好吗
Well, if I need help, I'll give you the signal, okay?
你们几位女士在聊什么呢
What are you ladies conferencing about?
代数
Algebra.
-敲敲门笑话 -没什么
- Knock knock jokes. - Nothing.
我怀念你的敲敲门笑话了 安妮
Oh, I miss your knock knock jokes, Annie.
老哥 你好
Hey, brother of mine.
我正在开车去往妈妈的房♥子
So I'm in a car headed to the mom house.
尼奇叔在那 住一楼
Uncle Nicky's there on the ground floor,
卡西迪这周末要来 所以
and Cassidy's coming this weekend, so...
退役军人卡西迪吗
Whoa, war vet Cassidy?
是被尼奇扔了椅子
Like, Nicky threw a chair at her,
还和你睡了的那个
and then you slept with her?
你可真会挑重点
Well, I mean, that's a bit reductive,
但 是她
but... yeah, her.
老兄 我没想到会这样
Oh, man, I did not see that one coming.
在冲刺阶段
Coming down the home stretch,
突然凭空出现
seemingly out of nowhere,
打败了所有本地美女
beating out all the local favorites,
超越了苏菲 超越了麦迪逊
passing Sophie, passing Madison
超越了我的美国非裔表妹佐伊
passing Zoe, my African American cousin.
她能做到吗 能
Can she do it? Yes!
卡西迪以百分之一秒的优势获胜
It's Cassidy by a hundredth of a second.
根本不是你说的那样
It's not like that at all.
信不信由你 的确有人
Believe it or not, there are people out there
可以发生
that are capable of having
轻松的 你情我愿的
casual, consensual, you know,
"我们都很辣 不如来一炮"的性关系
"We're both hot, so let's just do it" Sex.
而你 我的兄弟 不是他们中的一员
And you, my brother, are not one of them.
你想来场一♥夜♥情♥
You try to have a one night stand,
结果却有了一对双胞胎
and you wind up with twins.
你是世上最奇怪的连环一夫一妻论者
You are the world's strangest serial monogamist.
好吧 我到了 所以
Okay, well, I'm here, so, um,
谢谢你这堆没用的言论
thank you for the most useless conversation ever.
没事 兄弟 享受你的情侣静修吧
Yeah, man. You have fun at your couples retreat,
帮我个忙
and do me a favor.
尽量别求婚 好吗
Try not to propose, okay?
你知道结果会怎样
You know how you get.
谢谢你 兰德尔
Thank you, Randall.
很高兴见到你
Good to see you.
你好啊 侄子
Come on, nephew!
结过三次婚 但从来不长久
Married three times, but they never stuck.
我并不擅长这些
You know, I wasn't that great at it
因为我总是要出差
because I was always traveling for work.
-谢谢你 亲爱的 -谢谢
- Oh, thank you, sweetie. - Thank you.
但我有两个漂亮的孩子
But I do have two beautiful children
他们让我觉得离婚也值了
that made the divorces, you know, worth it.
她结过三次婚 而我至今单身
She has three marriages, and I have none,
所以我俩中和一下
so, I think between the two of us,
-就是正常人水平了 -是的
- we almost make a normal person. - Yes.
你怎么看
So, what do you think?
我觉得她特别可爱
I think she seems surprisingly lovely.
我是说
I mean...
有的时候我很担心
Sometimes I worry, you know.
我是说 她曾经当过空姐
I mean, she's been a flight attendant, you know.
她...
She's... you know,
-她见过形形色♥色♥的人 -好吧
- been around all sorts of guys. - Oh, well.
只是 有的时候我担心
Just, you know, sometimes I worry
我只是她暴风雨中的一个港湾
that maybe I'm just a port in her storm, you know.
让我惊讶的是
Oh, here's a curveball,
她今晚带了过夜包
she brought an overnight bag for tonight.
带了过夜包
Brought an overnight bag?
-都发展到这个地步了 -是的
- We're going there? - Oh, yeah.
你们已经圆房♥了吗 还是
I mean, have you guys consummated yet, or...?
-你能小声点吗 -抱歉
- Would you keep your voice down? - I'm sorry.
-不 -她没有在听我们说什么
- No. - You know, she's not listening to what we're saying.
-抱歉 -不 还没有
- Sorry. - No, we have not.
距离我上次和活生生的女人做♥爱♥
It's been more than a little time since I've, you know,
已经很久了
made love to a real, live woman.
活生生的女人
A real, live woman?
你什么意思 那...听着
What do you mean by that? That's just... Listen.
做就是了 做就是了
Just do it. Just do it.
-好 -你肯定会记得的
- Right. - I'm sure you'll remember, you know.
-没有那么复杂 -好吧
- It's not that complicated. - Right.
那么...
Oh, so, what about, uh...
你和卡西迪
you and Cassidy, uh,
你们俩这周末要一起睡吗
you guys gonna sleep together this weekend?
这很复杂
It's complicated.
好吧
Oh, yeah.
沙拉看起来不错
Oh, that salad looks great.
-还不赖 是吧 -你们在飞机上相遇的吗
- Yeah, not bad, right? - So, you guys met on the plane?
是的
Yes.
他老找茬 非常爱吵架
He was belligerent and very, very disruptive.
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