糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories S02E07
Part 1
Jan. 3, 2021, 2:10 p.m.
恐怖都铎 华丽乔治*
*Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
卑劣斯图亚特 邪恶维多利亚*
*Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
悲惨战役 凶残争斗*
*Woeful wars, ferocious fights
昏暗古堡 英勇骑士*
*Dingy castles, daring knights
恐怖难以言表*
*Horrors that defy description
凶狠凯尔特 可怕古埃及*
*Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
凶残维京 冷血罪行 远古的惩罚*
*Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes, punishment from ancient times
罗马人 堕落恶心又冷血*
*Romans, rotten, rank, and ruthless
穴居人 野蛮残酷不长牙*
*Caveman, savage, fierce and toothless
绝妙古希腊 聪明大圣人*
*Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
卑鄙又卑微 就是中世纪*
*Mean and measly Middle Ages
血腥故事无限多*
*Gory stories we do that
且听鼠君对你说*
*And your host, a talking rat
历史不再是个谜*
*The past is no longer a mystery
欢迎收看*
Welcome to...
第二季 第七集
糟糕历史
卑微的中世纪
在中世纪
In the Middle Ages,
你是绝对不会想和骑士决斗的
you really didn't want to get into a fight with a knight,
绝对不想
oh, no!
但如果你拒绝决斗
But if you refused to fight,
事情同样会变得一团糟
things could still get quite messy.
不忍♥直视啊
Oh, I can't look!
12世纪 法国
说你呢 农民 你主人呢
You, peasant, where is your master?
啥
What?
你的主人 那个骑士 他在哪里
Your master, the knight, where is he?
我在这里
I'm up here.
把你的地和城♥堡♥都给我
Give me your land and your castle.
你想让我把地和城♥堡♥都给你
Oh, you want me to give you my land and my castle?
不可能
It's not going to happen.
交给我 不然我就
Hand them over, or else.
不然你就咋着
Or else what?
大爷高高在上 你能对我做啥
What are you going to do to me up here?
我能做这个
I can do this...
不 不 那是我的农民
Oh! Oh, no, that is my peasant!
虽然我动不了你
Maybe I cannot get to you
但我可以动你的财产
but I can get to your property.
住手
Ah! Stop it!
他只剩一条腿了
How is he going to farm my crops
还怎么帮我种庄稼
when he only has one leg?
他种不了了
He won't be able to,
但你还得继续养着他
but you'll still have to pay for his upkeep.
此事真的发生过
简直难以置信
I don't believe this!
快交出你的地和城♥堡♥
Now give me your land and your castle
不然他们都要被砍
or they all get it.
快把你的城♥堡♥给他
Yeah, hand over your castle!
-谢谢你 -不客气
- Thank you. - No problem.
-没门 -胳膊还是腿
- Never! - Arm or leg?
胳膊吧
Arm I suppose.
-真的很抱歉 -不 我...
- So sorry about this. - No, no, I...
现在能把地和城♥堡♥给我了吧
Now will you give me your land and your castle?
坚决不给
Absolutely not.
好吧 明天同一时间见
OK, same time tomorrow.
啥
What?
如果你不给我 我还会再来的
If you don't hand them over I will come back.
臭小子 你也太固执了
Son, you are so stubborn.
有其父必有其子嘛 老爸
I take after you, Papa!
对了 替我向老妈问个好
By the way, give my love to Maman.
当然 明儿见
Of course. Au revoir.
现在的孩子啊
Children, I tell you -
真不知该拿他们怎么办
I don't know what to do with them.
在12世纪的法国
A fight like that really did
父子间确实会发生
take place in France in the 1100s
像刚才那样的战争 不可思议吧
between a father and his son. Incredible!
不过这些都没有圣女贞德的故事惊人
But not as incredible as the story of Joan of Arc
她领导法军抗击英军时
who lead the French army against the English
只有14岁 没错 14啊
aged only 14. Yeah, 14!
贞德说是一位天使为她传达的指令
Joan claimed she was told to do it by an angel.
想象一下吧
Imagine that!
我在想象 我在想象
I'm imagining it, I'm imagining it...
我在想象
I'm imagining it!
-圣女贞德 -什么事
- Joan of Arc. - What?
-你是圣女贞德吗 -是的
- Are you Joan of Arc? - Yeah.
我是圣米迦勒的幻象
I am a vision of St Michael.
[圣经中的天使长]
-我奉上帝之旨意前来找你 -你就编吧
- I've been sent by God to find you. - Pull the other one.
是真的 你受命领导法国♥军♥队
No, seriously. You've been chosen to lead the French army
参加对抗英国侵略军的正义之战
in a righteous battle against the oppressive English invaders.
-肯定是搞错了 -怎么说
- There must have been a mix-up. - Why would you say that?
因为 首先 我只是个目不识丁的农民
Well, because, A, I'm just an illiterate peasant,
最后 我是个女孩
C, I'm a girl,
而且 首先 我才14岁
and A, I'm 14!
我只能扫扫地补补袜子
I mean, sweeping up and darning socks I can do,
军事管理我实在不行
but military leadership, not so much.
他肯定是这么说的 我都写在手上了
Well, he definitely said. I wrote it on my hand and everything.
你确定不是隔壁的"圣男约翰"吗
Are you sure it wasn't John of Arc, the bloke next door?
-有人叫我吗 -约翰
- Did someone call? - John,
你在等待上帝召唤你
have you been waiting on God to call on you
去领导法国打败英国赢得辉煌胜利吗
to lead France in a glorious victory against the English?
-是的 -不 肯定是"贞德"
- Yes, I have. - No, look, it definitely says Joan.
-是啊 -不好意思 约翰 我搞错了
- Right. Erm... - Sorry, John. False alarm.
好吧 我就在隔壁 有事吼一声
OK. Well, I'm just next door if you need me
-再见了 -别难过
- So bye. - Stay cool.
-不好意思了伙计 -所以我要做什么呢
- Sorry, mate. - So, erm, what am I supposed to do?
召唤上帝 预测未来
Well you convene with God, predict the future,
带领法国♥军♥队走向光辉胜利
lead the French army to glorious victory
-并助国王夺回王位 -比扫地好多了
- and restore the king to his throne. - Beats sweeping up!
-我想也是 -那好 对了
- I bet, yeah. - OK. Er... Oh.
谁来补村民的袜子呢
Who will darn the villagers' socks?
放心 会有人做的
I'm sure we'll think of someone.
这真的是上帝的旨意吗
This is definitely what God wants?
但是...
But, I mean, look...
好吧 圣男约翰是我们虚构的
OK, so John of Arc was just made up and silly,
但贞德
but Joan of Arc,
历史上确有其人
well, she was real
她于1429年在奥尔良带领法军击败了英军
and went on to defeat the English at Orleans in 1429.
后来她不幸被英军俘获
Sadly she was eventually captured by the English
还被冠以女巫的身份
who claimed she was a witch,
没错 被绑在木桩上给烧死了
yeah, and they burned her at the stake.
你还指望有好结果吗
Well, what do you expect,
这里可是《糟糕历史》
this is Horrible Histories.
讨厌的海盗
盛 宴
美 食
秀
欢迎收看《盛宴美食秀》
Welcome to Ready Steady Feast.
是的 我的朋友们 颤抖吧
Now, aye, aye me hearties and shiver me timbers,
有请臭名昭著的海盗
please welcome aboard the infamous pirate,
内德·洛船长
Captain Ned Low.
也向你问好
Arrrr, right back at you.
内德船长 您为我们带来了什么呢
So, pirate Ned, what have you got for us?
腌肉 压缩饼干
Salted meat? Sea biscuits?
不 不 不
No, no, no, no, no.
我只用最新鲜的原料做饭
I only deal with the freshest ingredients.
我喜欢还带着余温的肉
I likes the meat to still be warm.
好吧 给我们看看你都有什么战利品吧
OK, well let's see what's in your pirate booty.
看看 新鲜出袋
There we are, fresh out the bag.
通常我们是不允许带助手的
Well, we don't normally allow helpers.
助手 他们才不是助手
Helpers? They're not helpers,
他们是原料
they're the ingredients.
别动来动去 你们这些臭无赖
Stop your fidgeting, you scurvy knaves.
这货是个西班牙囚犯
This one here's a Spanish prisoner.
糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories
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