糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories S02E05
Part 4
Jan. 3, 2021, 2:10 p.m.
that right there is Palestine, the Holy Land,
教皇出场了 在这呢
and here comes the Pope! There he is.
他被称作乌尔班[都市]教皇
He's called pope Urban
因为他很有街头风
because he's quite street.
像这样 开玩笑的
Sick! Not really.
大量穆♥斯♥林♥的存在让他非常不满
He doesn't like what he sees, which is lots of Muslim people
可这实际上一点也不奇怪
which isn't surprising,
因为他们住在那里 那里也是他们的圣地
since they live there and it's their holy land too.
但教皇并不愿意分享
But this Pope doesn't like to share.
他觉得圣地应该归基♥督♥教♥徒♥独占
He decided the Holy Land should be reclaimed for Christians.
教皇财产
具体要怎么做呢 很简单
How does he plan to do this? Simple.
他说每个为圣地而战的基♥督♥徒
He says any Christian who goes to fight for the Holy Land
都将升入天堂
will get into heaven,
基♥督♥徒听了可开心死了
which the Christians quite liked the sound of.
这样第一次十字军东征就开始了
And so began the first crusade.
一大♥波♥想升♥天♥的基♥督♥徒跑去圣地
Loads of heaven-hungry Christians will pop across to the Holy Land,
占领它 然后就万事大吉了
take over and that will be the end of that.
想得挺美 但圣♥战♥这活儿可没那么轻松
Or so they thought, but turns out this crusading is a tricky business,
光是旅途就麻烦多多
and that's just the journey.
因为那时的船
Because many ships back then
都有点设计问题 主要是会这样
had a design problem. Mainly that one.
要是没沉的话
If you didn't sink,
还得对付疾病 风暴 晕船
you had to cope with diseases, storms, sickness,
和变♥态♥海怪什么的 不对没有海怪
and mutant sea monsters, except not mutant sea monsters,
对付了这些才有机会去打仗
all before you got to do any actual fighting.
前提还得是 你有那财力坐船去
That was if you could afford to go by boat.
因为好多十字军战士不过是穷苦农民
Because many crusaders were just poor peasants
他们只能走着去圣地
who had to walk to the Holy Land.
没错 走着去
Yes, they walked there,
这可比去趟商店花得时间长多了
which takes a lot longer than going to the shops,
步行距离表
圣地
不远
比去阿戴尔中心的大商场还要远
even if you go to the big shops down at the Arndale Centre
街角小店
走一阵
阿戴尔中心
非常远
更不要说街边的小店了
and not the little one on the corner.
第一次十字军东征的时间实在是太长了
In fact the first crusade took such a long,
又赶路 又沉船 又打仗的
what with all the walking, sinking and fighting,
基♥督♥徒们最后都没吃的了
that the Christians ran out of supplies
不得不去吃些相当恶心的东西
and had to eat some really disgusting things,
东征十字军食堂
比如血 尿 火鸡味扭扭糖和死尸
like blood, wee, turkey twizzlers and dead bodies.
火鸡扭扭糖还不至于 没惨到那份儿上
Not turkey twizzlers. They never got that desperate.
就是开个玩笑
Ha-ha! Little joke there.
不过尽管历尽艰险 基♥督♥徒们
But despite all this difficulties, the Christians
还是占领了包括圣城耶路撒冷在内的
managed to take over huge chunks of the Holy Land,
很大一片圣地
including the great city of Jerusalem.
而这一切仅仅花了四年
All in just four years!
好了完事 东征结束了 基♥督♥徒赢了
So that's job done, crusade over, Christians win,
该再见 永别 拜拜了吧
so long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye. Right?
才不是 穆♥斯♥林♥们可不会
Wrong! The Muslims weren't about to
就此忍♥气吞声了 没戏
take all this lying down. No no no.
他们又打回来了 占领了敖德萨城
They fight back, conquering the city of Odessa. Just there.
在这里
Just there.
这下教皇怎么办呢 没错你猜对了
What did the Pope do? Yep, you've guessed it.
再来一次东征
Another crusade!
1♥1♥4♥7年 基♥督♥徒们又跑回了圣地
In 1♥1♥4♥7, the Christians rush back over to the Holy Land
不过这次他们打输了
and this time they lose.
而且还被打得屁滚尿流
In fact they get the pants thrashed off of them.
所以他们就闷头想了40年
So after spending 40 years or so
下一步该怎么办
mulling over what to do next,
然后基♥督♥徒们就想出了个开创性的新办法
the Christians come up with a groundbreaking new plan.
再次东征 没错又来了 还是次大的
A crusade! Yep, another one, and it's a biggie.
1187年 狮心王理查
1187. Richard the Lionheart,
他真有颗狮子的心脏呢
who's actually got a lion's heart.
骗你啦 不过他的确是英格兰国王
That's not true, but he is King of England.
他对沙拉丁开战
He starts a war with Saladin.
意思是他对土豆 生菜和黄瓜开战了
So that's a war with tomatoes, lettuce, cucumber..
这个人名叫沙拉丁 是一位穆♥斯♥林♥领袖
Apparently his name's Saladin and he's a Muslim leader
他正在中东建立帝国
who's been building an empire over in the Middle East.
结果理查王就带了一群基♥督♥徒
So King Richard and a load of Christians
跑去圣地
rush over to the Holy Land
引发了一场盛大的战争
and a big old fight breaks out.
其实也没穆♥斯♥林♥们什么事情
Nothing to do with the Muslims though.
因为十字军开始自相残杀了
In fact the Crusaders start fighting amongst themselves.
所以一半人就想 就这样吧我们回家吧
So half of them decided to just call it a day and go home,
就把可怜的小理查一个人丢在那里了
leaving poor old Dickie Boy on his lonesome.
不过幸好沙拉丁是个好家伙
Lucky for him, Saladin is a jolly nice chap
同意与他和解
and agrees to a peace treaty.
和平啦 不打仗啦 不东征啦
Peace is upon us, no more wars, no more crusades,
一片欢乐祥和 歌♥舞升平啦
just flowers, love, holding hands and that is the end of that.
不猜忌不耍花招 都没问题啦
No doubt, no diggidy and no questions asked.
想得美 1202年的时候
Or so we thought! But in 1202,
另一个叫做"教宗英诺森十世"的教皇
another Pope ironically named Pope Innocent.
[英文意为"无辜
没错他就叫这个
Yes, really that's his name.
又有个了大胆的新提议
comes up with a bold new initiative.
没错 猜对了 东征
Yep, you've guessed it. It's a crusade!
于是又有了第四次东征
So we have the fourth crusade
毫无成果
that achieves nothing.
接着又是第五次东征 毫无结果
Followed by the fifth crusade that achieves nothing.
接着又是第六次东征
Followed by the sixth crusade
毫无结果 接着又是...
that achieves nothing. Followed by...
鲍勃今天好像有点技术故障
We apologise for the technical hitch
我们对此表示非常抱歉
we appear to have with Bob today.
我们正在尝试解决这一问题
We are working to resolve the problem,
与此同时 希望你们能喜欢上面的内容
but in the meantime, we hope you enjoy this.
当踏上漫长的东征路途时
When off on a long crusade,
骑士们经常会带上一个老妈子
a knight would often take an old woman with him.
当时 他们管她们叫老妪
Or, as they used to call them, an old crone.
大家好 我是一名十字军战士
Hi. I'm a crusader.
发誓要从伊♥斯♥兰♥的穆♥斯♥林♥手中
Sworn to win back Jerusalem
夺回耶路撒冷
from the Saracen Muslims.
以基♥督♥教的名义屠♥杀♥他们
Slaughtering them in the name of Christianity.
这是项艰苦而肮脏的工作
It's hard, dirty work.
所以我每次东征时
That's why when I go on a crusade,
都会带上一名老妪
I always bring along an Old Crone.
这个丑老太太也许只是
She might just be an ugly old woman
我从村里绑♥架♥来的
I kidnapped from my village,
但再顽固的污渍
but Old Crone can wash out
十字军有时会绑♥架♥老太太
老妪都能洗掉
even the toughest of stains.
我们对比一下奴役老妪洗过的衣服
We compared enslaving an Old Crone to
老妪洗过的
懒得洗的
和懒得洗的衣服
not bothering to wash.
看看差距多大
And just look at the difference!
东征时带上一名老妪
Take Old Crone along with you on your crusade
她会梳顺你每一个发结
and she'll comb those nits out of your hair.
甚至还能帮你洗头发呢
She'll even wash it, too.
要是这时被穆♥斯♥林♥砍头了
Now, if a Saracen cuts my head off,
我至少死相还不错
I know it'll look lovely.
还有呢
And that's not all.
老妪还能搜罗东西做给你吃
Old Crone will even find food and cook it for you.
而等食物短缺时
And when there's a food shortage,
才真能看出老妪的本事来
Old Crone really comes into her own.
我在畜粪里找到了点麦粒
I found some grains of wheat in animal droppings
而肉呢
and the meat is
那可是敌人死尸上最棒的部分了
the finest cut of enemy dead.
臀尖肉呢
The backside.
十字军有时真的会吃这些东西
没有老妪 怎么可能能熬过东征呢
Old Crone. You'll wonder how you survived on a crusade without one.
警告 老妪非常年迈
Waring. Old Crone is very old and may not
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糟糕历史（2009）
Horrible Histories
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