泰迪熊（2024）

Ted S01E01

Part 6 Jan. 15, 2024, 7:35 p.m.

Look, do you have any idea what it's like
世界上最耀眼的明星
to be the biggest star in the world
却没人理踩你是什么感觉吗
and then nobody gives a shit about you?
我简直就是柯克·卡梅隆啊
I'm friggin'Kirk Cameron.
我还要逃避我的心魔
I gotta escape my demons,
那不是毒品也不是教堂
and it's either drugs or the church.
你知道他们会怎么对待我这个体型的人吗
You know what they do to guys my size?
求你了我不想去给教堂的助祭口♥交♥
Oh, please, don't make me suck a deacon's dick!
我们得抽它
We should smoke it.
等等你说什么
Wait, what?
约翰尼这可是我离开学校的通行证
Johnny, this is my ticket out of school.
我知道不是全部都抽掉
Yeah, I know. I mean, not --not all of it.
就只是抽掉一点然后留一些给你完成计划
Just, you know, we smoke some and save some for the plan
约翰尼我向布莱尔保证过这东西只给我用
Well, Johnny, I--I promised Blaire it was just for me.
泰迪你好好想想
Teddy, think about it, all right?
我肯定是学校里唯一一个没抽过这个的学生了
I be t I'm the only kid in school who has n't smoked
我没抽过大♥麻♥没上过床
I haven't smoked. I haven't had sex.
连个女朋友都没有
I haven't had a girlfriend.
克莱夫说的对我就是个失败者
C live's right. I'm a fucking loser.
你是我唯一真正的朋友了
I mean, you're like my only real friend,
这里就放着一包真正的大♥麻♥
and we're sitting here with real pot.
就在我们眼前
It's here in person.
今天或许就会是我成为酷盖的开始
This could be the day I start being cool.
今天是你告诉一个女孩你腹泻不止的日子才对
Yeah, today is the day you told a girl you had diarrhea.
别说的这么严重
Don't put too much weight on today.
- 等等等等-怎么了
Wait. Hang on, hang on. - What?
我们几乎自出生起
Well, you and me have been best friends
就是最好的朋友
like our whole lives.
我们就要尝试人生第一次磕嗨了
We're about to get high together for the first time.
所以呢
Yeah, so?
要做就得认真些
Let's do this right.
抽前祷告吗
Should we say grace?
哦好主意
Oh, yeah, good idea.
上帝您老人家好
Hello, God.
我是泰迪你最奇怪的作品之
It's me, Ted, one of your weirder creations.
我为今天所说的话道歉
Sorry about what I said today.
并不是说你的助祭不诱人
Not that your deacons aren't attractive,
但我的初口得留到结婚后
but I'm saving my mouth for marriage.
希望我们别嗨到要叫救护车
Let us not be so high that we have to call an ambulance.
阿门
Amen.
好了
Ok.
点火吧
Let there be light
我的朋友都会开低底盘车
∫ All my friends know the low rider
低底盘车又有点高
J The low rider is a little higher J
美
Yeah.
美滴很呀
Hell yeah, man.
我真的好饿啊
I was so fucking hungry.
我也好饿
I was so hungry too. - Mm-hmm.
好奇怪啊
It's so weird.
这简直是这完美夜晚的
You know, this is like the perfect food
顿完美晚餐
for the perfect night.
谁发明的食物啊那家伙堡了
Yeah, like who invented food? That guy rocks.
要是知道你俩会打扮的这么隆重
Well, if I knew you guys were going to get so gussied up
我就做些精致的饭点了
I would have made something fancier
不妈这样棒极了
No, Mom. This is perfect
这肉排香毁了
These are perfect Steak-Umms.
就在你手中仔细感受一下
It's right here. Just --just feel it.
我能够感受到你注入其中的爱意妈
I can feel your love in this, Ma.
你这么爱吃我真高兴
I'm so happy you love it so much.
天哪你们搞得好像这是
Jesus, you guys are acting like
高级海鲜餐厅的特色菜一样
it's to day's special at Legal Sea Food.
也就还行吧
It's fine.
我也觉得好吃极了苏珊
I think it's delicious, Suze.
你们能相信吗
Can you guys believe
我们就坐在这里
that we're just, like, we're sitting here,
感受着一切
and we're, like, having an experience
同时感受着现实
and experiencing reality all at once.
嘿苏珊
Hey, Susan.
iser
苏珊我想说你找到最合适的发型了
Susan, I just wanna say you have found your hair cut.
真的吗
What, you think so?
是啊是啊
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
你就这样到70岁也依旧能美得的不可方物
You could ride this to 70, and you'd be fine.
我就只是拿了张蒂珀·戈尔的照片去美发沙龙
Well, I just took a picture of Tipper Gore into the salon,
说我知道不可能做的一模一样
and I said, now, I know it can't be like that,
但弄的越像越好
but try to get it as close as you can.
于是
And so well, uh --
蒂珀·戈尔才应该拿着你的照片去做头发呢
Tipper Gore should bring in a picture of you.
别说啦
Stop it.
今晚可真是
This night.
是煤气漏气把你们都搞疯魔了吗
Is there a fucking gas leak or something?
真有意思
It's funny
我把肉排全吃光了还是很饿
I ate all those Steak-Umms, and I'm still hungry.
天哪这饼干太好吃了
Oh, fuck. These are so good.
太好吃了
So good.
看看这精致的花纹
And look at the intricate carvings.
是啊
Yeah.
这是光明会的玩意儿吗
Yeah, is this some Illuminati shit?
我听说是这样的
That's what I've heard.
就比如说如果你能解读奥利奥上的内容
Like, if you can decipher what's on an Oreo,
就能领会上帝的意念
you can know the mind of God.
我听说没有两片相同的奥利奥
I heard no two Oreos are alike.
和你谈话太有收获了
What a great conversation.
我他妈的就知道
I fucking knew it.
哦被抓包了-嗨布莱尔
- Oh, shit! - Hi, Blaire.
你们俩都磕嗨了
You guys are stoned.
听着布莱尔布莱尔情况有点复杂
Look, Blaire, Blaire, it's a little more complicated
你发誓了这个只给你自己用的
No, you fucking swore it was just for you.
好吧好吧
All right. OK.
我本不想拿出这个杀手铜的
I didn't wanna have to resort to this.
我爱你
I love you.
看你不生我的气了吧
See? Now you're not mad at me anymore.
我可去你的吧
And fuck you, by the way.
我已经花了两周想
I've been trying for two weeks
劝苏珊换个发型了
to get Susan to fix that haircut
布莱尔听着这是我的错
Blaire, listen. It's my fault.
他有试着拦过我是我非要这样做
He tried to say no, and I pressured him.
不不不你才16岁
No, no, no. You're 16, all right?
他是个会说话的泰迪熊这全是他的错
He's a talking teddy bear. It's his fucking fault.
听着听着咱们先放轻松
OK, look, look, look. I think if we al I just take
深吸几口气然后试着
a couple of deep breaths here and just try --
草
Fuck!
泰迪
Ted?
拜托你跑哪儿去了我只想谈谈
Come on, where the hell are you? I just want to talk.
胡说八道
Yeah, bullshit!
你怎么跑到上面去的
How the hell did you get up there?
从排水管爬上来的
Climbed the drainpipe
要不你还是先下来
OK, well, why don't you come on down here
我们好好讨论下现在的情况
and we can discuss the situation?
不行你肯定要搞死我的
No,'cause you're gonna come at me.
我不会的我保证
I-I'm not. I promise.
那不是我的错
It wasn't my fault.
我的天哪你们家孩子上房♥顶了
Oh, my God, your boy, he's on the roof!
没事的菲驰克太太
It's all right, Mrs. Fec hko.
我要打电♥话♥给消防队
I'll call the fire department!
真的没必要这样
That's really not necessary
但你家好大儿会掉下来的
But your son, he's gonna fall!
他不会的
He's not.
你不太明白
Yeah, there's a lot here
现在的情况菲驰克太太
you're not understanding, Mrs. Fechhko.
我的老天爷啊你不看新闻的吗
For God's sake, you've been listening to the news?