泰迪熊（2024）

Ted S01E07

Part 4 Jan. 27, 2024, 11:39 a.m.

Want to pick me up at 7: 00?
好啊
Definitely.
酷
Cool.
再见
See ya.
我滴妈我要去约会了
Holy shit, I got a date.
约会
A date?
约翰尼你得看大局
Johnny, look at the big picture.
这是你破处的机会
This is your chance to have sex.
怎么你觉得有机会吗
What, you think so?
她说你很酷
She called you"cool. "
女人喜欢和酷男人做♥爱♥
Chicks have sex with cool guys.
嗯可能吧
Yeah. Yeah, maybe
去他的可能吧你听我的
Fuck"maybe. "Trust me on this.
我们会保证你不会搞砸这次机会
We are gonna make sure you don't blow this opportunity
我会指引你
And I will guide you.
我会做
I will be...
你的尤达大♥师♥
Your Master Yoda.
嗯我应该可以试试
I mean, I guess I could try.
上或者不上都不能只想着试试
Screw or screw not. There is no try.
现在我们来做点运动
Now, let's get you some exercise.
快跑约翰尼快跑快跑
Run, Johnny, run! Run!
是的绝地的力量来自原力
Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force,
但要小心它黑暗的一面
but beware the dark side. "
我是说除非她同意才行
Imean, unless she says it's okay.
我们确定吗
Are we sure about this?
听着你约会的时候一定要
Look, you gotta have condoms
准备好手里有避孕套
locked and loaded on your date.
到时候不是说那什么
When you get- - well, you know,
捏在你手里显然但是你得准备好
maybe not loaded, obviously, but you gotta be ready.
有很多选择我不知道该选什么
There's a lot of options. Idon't know what to pick. spir
那哪一个更适合你呢
Well, which one speaks to you?
这些吗
Maybe these?
以螺纹取悦她
"Ribbed for her pleasure"?
好主意你想知道诀窍吗
Good choice. And you want to know a trick?
你把它翻过来偷走乐趣
You turn it inside out and steal the pleasure.
还能这样吗
You can do that?
对她会说
Oh, yeah, she'll be like,
什么乐趣啊
where's the pleasure?
你会说啊我不知道啊
And you'll be like, uh, uh, uh, I don't know.
我不知道有什么乐趣
Uh, I didn't know there was any pleasure.
小伙子们需要我帮你们挑个避孕套吗
Can I help you young men pick out a condom?
哦不用
Uh, no.
其实我们正准备走呢
Act- actually, we were we were just leaving.
哎别走啊
Oh, please don't go.
我工作的乐趣之一
One of the joys of my job is pairing
就是给合适的年轻人配备合适的避孕套
the right young man with the right condom.
那还挺正常的哈
Oh, that's normal.
我也不知道我想要什么
Well, I don't really know what I want.
跟我说说那个女孩吧
Well, tell me about the girl.
她有棕色头发
Um, she's got medium brown hair,
中等身高
average height.
我想她可能是游泳队的
I- I think she might be on the swim team.
我明白了犹太人吗
I see. Jewish?
应该不是
I don't think so.
那这些就不行了
Well, that rules these out.
那么社区工作呢
What about community activism?
她有做慈善吗
Does she do any charity work?
我真的不知道
I- - I honestly don't know.
试试拉美西斯吧
Why don't you try a Ramses?
坚固稳定任何天气都适用
Sturdy, solid, made for all kinds of weather,
能承受超过300磅的扭转
can withstand over 300 pounds of torque.
约翰尼你打算用多少的力来扭转
Oh, Johnny, how many pounds of torque were you gonna do?
谢谢
Uh, thank you.
我只想说我这么多年来
I just want to say, I've been watching
一直看着你来这儿买♥♥东西
you shop here for years.
我一直在等待这一天
I've been waiting for this day.
说真的我本以为还要再早些
Frankly, I thought it would come a little sooner, but
祝贺你
Congratulations.
我需要一个成年人我需要一个成年人
I need an adult Ineed an adultl
没事的没关系约翰尼
It's okay. It's all right, Johnny.
没关系的这个给你伙计
It's all right. Look, uh, here you go, buddy.
不用找了
Keep the extra.
嘿老家伙
Heyl You!
离那孩子远点
Get away from that kid!
我可以帮你吗
Now, how can I help you?
好了我现在要给你计时
Okay, now, I'm gonna time you on this.
这感觉好诡异啊
This feels weird.
听着要是你脱胸罩不够迅速
Look, you have trouble taking off her bra,
她就该知道你是处了
she's gonna know you're a virgin.
该死真的吗
Shit, really?
相信我
Trust me, all right?
开脱吧
Now take it off
好吧
Okay.
你干嘛呢
What are you doing?
我才不要就这样给你脱呢
Well, I'm not gonna make it easy for you
你得自己争取啊
You gotta work for it
天
Jesus.
天哪泰迪就让我解开吧
Jesus Christ, Teddy, just let me do the clasp.
不行你得努力争取
Oh, no, you gotta earn it.
好了我们来假装你是个好色的主管
AII right, now let's pretend you're a randy executive
我是你的秘书来
and I'm your secretary. Go.
本内特先生本内特先生控制好你自己呀
Mr. Bennett, Mr. Bennett, control yourself!
我的老天爷呀本内特先生你是个有家室的人
For heaven sakes, Mr. Bennett, you're a married man!
泰迪别这样
Teddy, come onl
谁是泰迪我是黛布拉
Who's Teddy? I'm Debra.
我才刚搬来这座城市
I just moved to the big city
只带着一个装满梦想的手提箱
with nothing but a suitcase full of dreams
还有凯瑟琳·吉布斯学校的副学士学位
and an associate's degree from Katharine Gibbs.
你穿着我内衣干嘛呢
What the hell are you doing in my bra?
问题在于你内衣怎么还在我身上
The question is, what am I still doing in your bra.
约翰尼
Johnny?
我要和贝瑟尼·博格瓦特约会
I've got a date with Bethany Borgwardt,
我
and I'm- -
以防要上♥床♥ 我在提前练习
I'm practicing in case we have sex.
练习什么
Practicing what?
我想要她觉得我经验丰富
I want her to think I'm experienced,
干过很多次的样子
you know, like I've done it a lot.
好吧
Okay
这方面我倒有些见解
Well, I do have some thoughts on the topic.
第一不管这女孩是谁
Uh, one whoever this girl is,
如果她觉得你脑子里只有这些东西
she's not gonna want to have sex with you
她是不会和你上♥床♥的
if she thinks that's all you're interested in.
第二如果她知道你万花丛中过
And two, she's definitely not gonna be into it if she thinks
她绝对不会想和你上♥床♥的
you've been sleeping around with other girls.
等等所以我不能想要和她上♥床♥
Wait, so I can't want to have sex with her?
不你就是
No, you just- -
你不能表现的太急躁明白吗
eh, you can't want it too much, you know?
那要什么程度才合适呢
Okay, well, what's the right amount to want it?
做你自己就好
Just be yourself.
好吗
Okay?
剩下的会顺其自然的发生
The rest will happen naturally.
请允许我算一下约翰过去的16年
Yeah, if I may count it, John has been himself
一直做他自己而他本垒打的次数是零
for 16 years and raked in exactly zero vagina.
我算的没错吧约翰零次
Am I getting that number right, John, zero?
是啊是啊零次
Yeah, yeah, zero.
我觉得
I think- -
我要用泰迪的方法来
I think I'm gonna do it Ted's way.
你会自我毁灭的
That is a very self- destructive sentence.
布莱尔别捣乱我正授课呢
Blaire, please, you're disrupting a teachable moment.
去它的吧
Fuck it.
无所谓我试过了