泰迪熊（2024）

Ted S01E01

Part 4 Jan. 15, 2024, 7:35 p.m.

在恰尔德·哈罗尔德游记之后
of " Child e Harold's Pilgrimage,
拜伦勋爵成了伦敦摄政时期的祝酒词
Lord Byron was the toast of Regency London.
在这期间他写了
《柯林斯围攻》
During g this period, he wrote " The Siege of Corinth,
《阿比多斯的新娘》还有什么
" The Bride of Abydos," and what else?
-阿曼达
《特拉契那》
Amanda. - " Terracina.
没错看来有人学习了
Yes. Someone did the homework
非常好
Very good.
我觉得这家伙从上课开始就掉了40根头发
I think this guy's lost 40 hairs since class started.
真奇怪是不是
It's weird, right?
感觉不是用掉的
It's like they're not falling out.
而是用跳的
They're jumping out.
你能把我这句诗补完吗
Can you complete this verse?
她如美好走近宛如万里无云的夜晚
" She walks in beauty, like the night of cloudless climes
和星空
'and starry skies.
就连黑暗和光亮都是最好的
And all that's best of dark and bright..."
你老婆在上别人
Your wife is fucking other guys.
你觉得自己很搞笑是吗
You think you're funny, but you know what?
因为我老婆和我的确遇到了一些问题
because my wife and I are having problems.
-哦-没错了
- Oh. - Yeah.
谢谢
Oh,
thank you.
我老婆去年劈腿了
Um, my wife had an affair last year.
我们俩努力想恢复关系
And we've both tried to recover,
但事实是我们俩都没法忘记那段经历
but fact is, neither one of us has been able to forget it.
于是我每天来到这就好像我的生活很不错的样子
So I come in here every day acting like my life is great
但实际上我的日子糟糕透顶了
when, in reality, it's a train wreck.
我儿子不尊重我
My own son doesn't respect his father,
所以沦为笑柄的是你搞笑仔
so joke's on you, funny man.
我不怎么觉得自己就沦为笑柄了呢
Not really quite sure how the joke's on me,
可那现在在笑的是谁呢
but ---
Who's laughing now?
那个我觉得我还在笑可是
I mean, I think I still am, but
生活是伴随着无数苦痛的孩子们
Life comes with a lot of pain, kids.
所以你最好现在就知道这些
So better you learn that right now
然后给内心锻炼出坚硬厚实的老茧
and develop some nice, hard calluses over your feelings.
我女儿正在经历怀孕焦虑症
My daughter is having a pregnancy scare.
有人想聊聊这个吗
Anyone want to talk about that?
咱们就来聊一聊
Well, we're gonna talk about it!
她上次月经是在五周前
Her last period was five weeks ago!
我知道是因为
I know this because
这个家里只有我负责去买♥♥卫生棉条
I'm the only one in the house who buys tampons
我感觉你不会把乔治先生搞崩溃的
Yeah, I don't think you're going to break Mr. George.
他已经是团乱麻了
He's already too messed up.
我看出来了
Yeah, I see that.
那你要怎么办呢
So what are you going to do?
你要怎么被开除
How are you going to get kicked out?
多拿些香肠过来
Better put some more franks on.
好的
MIT N All right.
我是小香肠之王
I'm the king of the wieners!
泰迪·本内特请到校长办公室
Ted Bennett, please report to the principal's office.
我这就去哦
Well, don't mind if I do.
泰迪你知道我上份工作是做什么的吗
Ted, do you know where my last job was?
你是演过《夜间法庭》吗
Um, were you on " Night Court "?
不是的
No.
我是多切斯特高中的校长
I was principal at Dorchester High
哦该死
Oh, shit.
等等他们的吉祥物不是个拿着刀的人吗
Wait, isn't their mascot just a guy with a knife?
严格来说斯特伯斯是个海盗
Technically, Stabbers was a pirate.
不过这的确有些不像话
But yes, it was a little rough.
我听说有个女学生
I heard there was one girl there
只比自己祖孙女大八岁
who was only eight years older than her own granddaughter.
的确是这样
I'm afraid that's true.
这怎么可能
Well, how'd that work?
这涉及到国际日期变更线
Oh, it involved the International Date Line
不过重点是
But the point is
我见过太多学生
I watched a lot of students stumble
根本没有好好学习在学校漫无目的浑浑噩噩
and drift through the system to come out on the other side
也度过了义务教育
without any real education.
有些人做了和你一样的事
Some of them did what you're doing
挑战学校的底线叛逆违反校规
testing the boundaries, rebelling
希望能被劝退
hoping to get cut loose.
好吧
OK.
我不会让那种事在这里发生
Well, I'm not going to let the same thing happen here.
行吧我已经不想听下去了
Love that. Don't like where this is going
你会成为一个完美范例
You're going to be an example.
我不会停学或是做出任何惩罚
I'm not going to suspend you or anything else.
我们要将你打造成一个成功的学生
We are going to make a successful student out of you
你稍等一下
Now hang on a second -
你是最完美的选择
And you're the perfect choice.
如果你还想捣乱告诉你这样做
So if you want to act up again, just know if you do,
也不会改变你的现状
it's not going to change your situation.
你确定就选我了吗
Oh, man, are you sure I'm the right guy?
有个肥仔很喜欢摸鸡偷狗
There's a fat kid who likes to touch dicks
你上课要迟到了
You're late for class.
要不我直接告诉马蒂让他滚蛋
May be I could just tell Matty to go fuck himself.
不行的伙计我爸是个虐待狂
No way, dude, my dad's a sadist.
他觉得去打越站很好玩
He thought Vietnam was fun.
天哪真的吗
Jesus, really?
是啊直升机把他接走时
Yeah, he cried when the helicopters came
他还哭了呢
to pick him up.
可别惹恼了他
You don't want to piss him off, man.
他会把你扔出家门
He'll kick you out of the house.
你会饿肚子的
You'll starve.
这算什么该死的愿望
What the hell kind of fucked-up wish
让你的泰迪熊拥有生命
makes it so your teddy bear comes to life,
但他却还得吃东西
but he's still got to eat?
天哪她来了
Oh, man, there she is.
半小时后要去训练了
Yeah, we got practice in a half hour.
你看到了吗
Did you see that?
什么-那是条大♥麻♥烟
- What? - That was a joint.
哦天
Oh, shit.
泰迪这个能让你离开学校
Teddy, that's your ticket out of here.
什么什么意思
What? What do you mean?
只要抓到在学校吸毒你退学就退定了
You get caught with drugs in school, you're gone
学校对这个零容忍♥
It's like zero tolerance here
哇哦
Oh, fuck, wow.
你有吸过大♥麻♥吗
Hey, you ever smoked weed?
-没有-我也是
- No. - Yeah, me neither.
真的吗你那时红遍大江南北啊
Really? The whole time you were famous?
我害怕我的皮毛会被点着
Yeah, I was afraid my fur would catch on fire.
我身上又没用阻燃剂处理过
I got no flame retardant.
那也没关系你不需要真的抽
All right, well, any way, you don't got to smoke it.
只需要拿着那个被抓到就好
You just got to get caught with it.
好极了咱们找她聊聊
Well, fuck, let's go talk to her.
你♥他♥妈♥逗我吧
You fucking kidding me?
我才不要和希拉·博格瓦特说话
I'm not going to talk to Sheila Borg wat.
博格瓦特这姓比名字还难听
Borg wat? Fucking God, it just keeps getting worse.
不可能绝不我才不要过去
No way, man. No, no. I'm not going over there.
拜托约翰尼你又不是要约她出去
Come on, Johnny, you're not asking her out.
只是要点大♥麻♥啊
You're just asking her for drugs
你说过你天天盯着她看
You said you stare at her every day
这是和她说话的绝佳理由啊
This is the perfect excuse to go talk to her.
不行老兄我已经帮了你这么多了你自己去
No, man. I got you this far, you do it.
要是你不和我一起去
If you don't come with me,
我就告诉他你对着电视打飞机
I will tell her you masturbate to network television.
你个狗♥杂♥种♥
You motherfucker.
我会告诉她你看
《浪漫满屋》
I will tell her you watch " Full House'
然后对着洛莉·拉芙琳打飞机
so you can jerk off to Lori Loughlin,
但你也不知道那个场景会有久
but that you can't always predict how long the scene is,
所以有一半时间你都是挑着长镜头干事儿的