泰迪熊（2024）

Ted S01E02

Part 1 Jan. 20, 2024, 1:30 p.m.

♪我笨口拙舌♪
♪-*My words are lazy♪
♪我思绪模糊♪
♪My thoughts are hazy♪
♪但有一件事我很确定♪
♪But this is one thing I'm sure of ♪
♪每个人都需要一个好朋友♪
♪Everybody needs a best friend ♪
♪很高兴我是你的♪
♪ I'm happy I'm yours♪
那天晚上我和我一家人一起
The other night I was out at a basketball game
去看篮球赛 -嗯
with my whole family Right
我只是请求我前面那个人能坐下
And Ionly asked this guy in front of me to just sit down
不要挡我的视线他就毫不怜悯的打了我
a bit so I could see, and he beat me unmercifully.
他狠狠的打了我一顿我的假发都掉了
He beat me very badly and my hairpiece fell off.
情况很糟糕因为他打我的时候
And it was awful, because when he beat me,
我的假牙也在假发里
my teeth were also in my hairpiece.
哦天
Oh, man.
捣蛋双宝真的是最优秀的
The Jerky Boys are like the greatest
喜剧演员了
living comedy geniuses.
是啊
I know.
就好像电♥话♥
It's like the telephone was just
在那儿放了一百年直到这俩男孩儿出现
sitting there for 100 years and it took these two guys- -
才搞明白那是干什么用的
both: To figure out what it was for.
看看你懂我你懂我
See, yeah, you understand. You understand.
好了我得去嘘嘘
AlI right. I gotta take a leak.
哦该死
Oh, shit
草
Oh, fuck.
克莱夫两点钟方向
Clive, 2 o'clock.
他要是跟着你进去你就死定了
He follows you in there, you're a dead man.
太糟糕了
This is bad.
但我真得去上厕所
I really got to go.
午餐时你看到我喝了一整杯果汁
You saw me down that Capri Sun at lunch.
我知道你抱着那吸管狠狠地吸
I know. You were sucking that straw
像是它答应签你做模特一样
like it promised you a modeling contract.
可是约翰尼你得憋住啊
But Johnny, you got to hold it.
憋尿可不安全啊
It's not safe to hold your pee.
可你必须得这样哥们儿
You got to do it, man.
想想篮球
Just think about baseball.
这能管什么用
That's not how it works.
想想你♥爸♥周末的时候光溜溜的
Think about your dad coming out of the bedroom
从卧室出来
naked on a weekend.
什么鬼
What the fuck?
他小弟挂在袍子外面
With his hog hanging out of his robe
像地震中睡着的蝙蝠一样左右摇摆
waving like a bat sleeping through an earthquake.
快给我闭嘴吧
Shut the fuck up, all right?
跟我一起去给我望风
Just follow me in there and stand guard.
好吧
AlI right
好了快赶快尿
AII right, go on, get to peeing.
好看着门
AII right, just watch the door.
好
OK
该死 -快啊快啊
Shit. Go on, hurry up.
我尿不出来
I can't, all right?
旁边还有个人我害羞啊
There's another guy in here and I'm pee shy.
我的老天爷啊嘿老兄你能先出去不
Jesus Christ Hey dude, do you mind?
我哥们儿自尊心太强了
My buddy's self conscious.
我以为他遇到什么麻烦了呢
Yeah, I thought he might be having some trouble
我可什么都没听到
when I didn't hear anything.
我只想告诉你你要等多久都可以
I just want you to know, you take all the time you need to.
我不会批判别人
I won't judge.
终于
Oh, here we go.
谢谢你
Thank you.
你能尿出来就是最好的感谢了
That is all the thanks I need.
等等
Wait.
杰西
Jesus?
好的没问题的
AlI right. It's OK.
一切都会好的
Everything's going to be OK.
哦该死他来了快包起来
Oh shit, he's here. Wrap it up.
不是这样干的
That's not how it works.
嘿看看是谁在这儿啊
Hey, look who's here
本内特
It's Bennett.
他的小男友也在这儿陪着他呢
And he's got his little boyfriend with him.
好了克莱夫如果我就是他男友呢
A]I right, Clive, what if I am his boyfriend?
如果我们在搞地下情呢
What if we are having an affair?
我能以你永远做不到的方式满足他
I can satisfy him in a way you never could.
最好小心点本内特
Better be careful, Bennett.
可别滑倒了
You wouldn't want to slip!
对了
Yeah.
做得好本内特
Nice going, Bennett.
再多尿点
Pee much?
你不如拿这话去问问你老妈
Why don't you go ask your mother's face?
哦天哪真抱歉
Oh Jesus, I am so sorry.
我这话太过分了
That was so over the line.
搞什么啊老兄你真恶心
What the fuck, dude? That's sick.
我根本没意识到它就从我嘴里出来了
It was out of my mouth before I knew what it was.
就像你老妈一样
Kind of like your mother.
我的天哪我这是怎么回事
Oh, my God, what is wrong with me?
真抱歉
I am so sorry.
我活该遭受接下来的一切
I deserve what's about to happen to me.
说的对极了
Yeah, no shit.
喝吧小混♥蛋♥ -哦该死
Drink up asshole. Oh shit.
等等别是马桶啊
Wait, no, not the toilet
我不能碰水
I'm not supposed to get wet.
我的标签上写着呢
It said so on my tag!
泰迪
Teddy.
是我们倒霉约翰尼
Well, the joke's on us, Johnny.
这水管都没通出去
Pipes don't go anywhere.
他们就只是把水来回冲
The kids are just flushing them back and forth all day.
恶心
Yuck.
如果你遇到了麻烦没有人可以施以援手
If you have a problem, if no one else can help,
如果你能找到他们或许可以雇佣一个特遣队
and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A- Team.
我之前看过这集
I've seen this episode before.
可好看了
It's a good one.
你怎么会看这种烂片
How can you watch that shit?
只是车子追来追去炸♥弹♥乱炸一通
It's just car chases and blowing stuff up.
你为什么要把两件这么好的东西
Why did you just say two good things
说成像是不好的一样
as if they're two bad things?
放我们一马吧布莱尔天哪
Give us a break, Blaire. Jesus.
我们今天过得可不怎么顺
We had a hard day.
而且这节目很有教育意义的
And this show is very educational.
我们能学到越南老兵的冲突斗争
We're learning about the struggles of Vietnam veterans
还有如何把碎木机变成大炮
and how to turn a wood chipper into a cannon
然后发射卷心菜
that shoots cabbages.
马蒂今天你上班的时候弗兰克尔医生打来电♥话♥
Matty, Dr. Frankel called when you were at work today.
他说你早该做结肠镜检查了
He says you're overdue for a colonoscopy.
我才不要做
Yeah, I'm not getting one of those.
他说很重要
He says it's important.
那家伙就是个庸医 -不是的
That guy's a quack No, he's not.
他非常聪明
He's very smart.
并不是所有犹太医生都聪明的苏珊
Not all Jewish doctors are smart, Susan.
你这是刻板印象
That's one of those stereotypes.
即使严格来讲你是对的
Even when you're technically on the right side,
你还是能把好话说成坏话
you still find a way to ruin it.
怎么了
What?
我只是说他们也不都是聪明人
I just said they're not all smart.
有些希伯来人眼里只有钱
Some of them Hebrews are just in it for the money.
你这也太冒犯人了
That is beyond fucking offensive.
抱歉男希伯来和女希伯来总行了吧
Sorry. Hebrews and Shebrews.
亲爱的只是做个常规检查
Honey, it's a routine test.
反正都要全程麻醉的
You're sedated the whole time.
我做的时候也没觉得有多糟糕
It wasn't so bad when I did it.
什么
What?
你什么时候做过结肠镜检查
When the hell did you have a colonoscopy?
我去年肚子不舒服的时候啊
Last year when I was having my tummy troubles.
那我在哪儿呢 -你开车送我啊
Where was I? You drove me.