泰迪熊（2024）

Ted S01E01

Part 3 Jan. 15, 2024, 7:35 p.m.

明天我不用接你对吧
I don't have to pick you up tomorrow, right?
不用我租了车
No, I got the rental.
我勒个去
What the fuck?
嘿马蒂嘿布莱尔
Oh. Hey, Matty. Hey, Blaire.
你特么搞啥呢
What the fuck is this?
这是小蛋糕水蜜桃
Oh, this is Cupcake, Peaches,
还有俄式牛柳丝
and Beef Stroganoff
嗨
Hi.
电视怎么回事
What happened to the TV?
哦我不小心开枪打的
Oh, I accidentally shot it.
你开枪打的
You shot it?
是然后我感觉特别内疚
Yeah, and I felt really bad about it
后来我就说嘿泰迪就是个意外嘛
And then I was like, " Hey, Ted, it was an accident.
别再为难自己了
" Stop being so hard on yourself
发生这种事已经够糟糕了
" It's bad enough that it happened
就算你难过也改变不了结果
You feeling bad's not going to fix it.
于是我叫了这些女士们来陪我
So I called these ladies
因为我想让自己觉得好过些
because I was trying to make myself feel better.
果然可以我现在就是觉得好多了
And I do. I feel better.
看见没如果他去上学
See, this is the kind of shit
就不会发生这些烂事了
that wouldn't happen if he was in school
等等啥
Wait, what?
你给我去上学
You're going to school.
等会别这样你这就反应过度了吧
Wait, hang on. That is a serious overreaction.
你给我去上学
You're going to school,
好特么给我长点脑子
and you're going to grow a fucking brain!
不是吧
Oh, come on!
有脑子多性感啊
I think brains are sexy.
闭嘴吧牛柳丝
Shut up, Beef.
约翰尼你醒着呢吗
Hey, Johnny, you awake?
嗯
Yeah.
我打飞机呢
I was just jerking off
啥
What?
安啦逗你玩的
Relax, I'm fucking with you.
我去
Holy Jesus.
等等我在房♥间里时
Wait, you're -- you don't do that
你不会那么做吧
when I'm in the room, right?
不会
No.
通常不会但如果你在睡觉的话
Not usually. I mean, if you're asleep.
靠所以我才会梦到西班牙大帆船是吧
Oh, shit, that's why I had the Spanish galleon dream.
什么
What?
有天晚上我梦到
I had a dream the other night
自己在西班牙奴隶贩奴船上划船
that I was rowing on a Spanish slave ship.
然后那个敲鼓的家伙越敲越快
And the guy on the drums was pounding faster and faster.
于是我就跳窗逃跑了
And so I escaped by jumping out a window,
然后我游到了一个荒岛
and I swam to a desert island
等我上了岸
And when I came ashore,
你就在那打飞机呢
there you were jerking off
所以我才会做这个梦
That's probably why I had that dream.
好吧晚安
OK, goodnight.
约翰尼上学这事有多糟糕
Johnny, how bad is school going to suck?
你肯定不会喜欢的
You're not going to like it.
有多糟糕
How bad?
你刷牙后喝过橙汁吗
You ever drink orange juice after brushing your teeth?
喝过
Yeah.
就像把你的蛋蛋
Well, it's like
撞到一起撞得太厉害
getting your nuts smashed together so hard,
以至于两个蛋蛋变成了一个
they become just one nut.
我勒个去天天都这样吗
Holy shit. And that's every day?
每一天
That's every single day.
但如果你死于酒驾事故
But if you die in a drunk driving accident
年鉴上能给你留一整页
you get a whole page in the yearbook.
真不是《晚安月亮》那种助眠故事
Not quite " Good night Moon,'
明天见吧
but I'll see you in the morning
什么玩意儿
This sucks.
我们一整天都要背着这么个破包到处走吗
We got to lug these things around all day?
嗯差不多吧
Yeah, pretty much.
-看上去好蠢-还好吧
-We look stupid.-Nah, we're fine
看起来像是自杀式炸♥弹♥袭击者犹豫不决的样儿
We look like suicide bombers having second thoughts.
赶紧给我闭嘴吧
Shut the fuck up.
在这可不能拿炸♥弹♥开玩笑
You can't joke about bombs here.
我问你件事吧
Now let me ask you something
你有没有觉得
You ever get self-conscious
自己的学校里只有白人
being the only white guy at your school?
不知道我们住在波士顿郊区
I dunno, we live in a Boston suburb.
去年来了个印度同学
Oh, last year, we had an Indian kid.
是吗
Oh, yeah?
嗯但是被他们给搞掉了
Yeah, but they got him.
什么意思
What does that mean?
我也喜欢他
I liked him too
什么叫他们给搞掉了
What do you mean "they got him "?
他以前总分我饼干吃
He used to share his Dunk a roos.
-好人来着-去它的吧约翰尼
Good guy. - Fuck this, Johnny.
这么着吧我也要想办法被开除
You know what? I'm going to get expelled.
因为啥
For what?
我现在还不知道但我会想个主意出来的
I don't know yet. I'll come up with something.
不是吧你要想办法故意被开除吗
Wait, you're going to try and get kicked out?
只有这个办法了我还想回家看卡片王呢
It's the only way. I'm missing " Card Sharks."
看啊伙计
Dude, look.
她来了
There she is.
啥
What?
靠那谁啊
Holy shit, who is that?
贝瑟尼的姐姐
Bethany's sister.
她在艾默生上学世界上最性感的妞儿
She goes to Emerson. Hottest chick on the planet.
天她叫什么名字啊
Jesus, what's her name?
-什么不可能-就是
- What? No. - Yep.
希拉
-Sheila?- Uh-huh.
上帝是特么开了个什么恶毒的玩笑啊
What the fuck kind of malevolent God would do that?
是啊就像她父母知道她生出来就会这么性感似的
Yeah, it's like her parents knew she was going to be hot,
他们想稍微平衡一下
and they wanted to level the field.
反应快点本内特
Think fast, Bennett!
漂亮
Nice!
-草-嘿蠢货
- Fuck. - Hey, dork.
这特么是什么东西
What the fuck you go t here?
你把玩偶拿到学校来了
You're bringing your dolls to school?
去你♥妈♥的♥克莱夫
Hey, fuck you, Clive.
天王八蛋
Oh, God, you motherfucker
这家伙谁啊-克莱夫
泰迪熊不错啊本内特
Nice teddy bear, Bennett.
你的小毯子也带来了吗
You got your blankie to o? Ooh.
你这是想搞个酷儿全套是吗
You must be going full gay on us, huh?
我早就知道你是个酷儿
I always knew you were a big queer.
我不想在这猜测谁才是男同
You know, I don't want to speculate on who's gay,
但你刚才不是摸了他老二两次吗
but didn't you just touch his penis twice?
嘿听着这没什么可不好意思的
Hey, listen, man, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
都90年代了时代不同了
It's the'90s. Times are changing
嘿还有人是同吗
Hey, anybody else here gay?
感觉如何
How is it?
棒啊-老给力了
- It's great. - It's the fucking tits
看见没评论都出来了
See? There you go. The reviews are in.
那你也是个蠢货
You're still a fucking dork
嘿蠢货
Hey, what a dork o.
走吧
Let's go.
嘿泰迪
Hey, you know what, Teddy?
我觉得你在这我还挺高兴的
I think I'm really glad you're here
行吧谢了
Yeah, thanks.
但我还是打算被开除
I'm still going to get kicked out.
我知道
I know.
从1814到1815
From
1814 to
1815,
following the writing