泰迪熊（2024）

Ted S01E07

Part 1 Jan. 27, 2024, 11:39 a.m.

♪我笨口拙舌♪
♪-*My words are lazy♪
♪我呆头呆脑♪
jMy thoughts are hazy J
♪但有一件事我很确定♪
♪But this is one thing I'm sure of ♪
♪每个人都需要一个好朋友♪
♪Everybody needs a best friend♪
♪我很开心我是你的♪
♪I'm happy I'm yours♪
好吧
AII right
我们现在来到了健康课的最后一个单元
We have come to the final unit here in health class- -
性教育
sexual education.
这是一个成熟的话题
Now, this is mature subject matter,
我希望你们都能成熟地处理它
and I expect you all to handle it with maturity
就像你们正在成为成熟的大人一样
like the young adults you are becoming.
我很害怕泰迪
I'm scared, Teddy.
如果他给我们看一张阴♥道♥图然后我勃起了呢
What if he shows us a diagram of a vagina and I get a boner?
在这节课结束之前你肯定会勃起的哥们儿
Hey, you're getting a boner before this class ends, buddy.
你越早接受这一点越好
The sooner you wrap your head around that, the better.
性♥交♥是爱和感情的一种身体表达
Sexual intercourse is a physical expression
这完全是自然现象
of love and affection that is perfectly natural
但往往是致命的
and often deadly.
性传播疾病包括
Sexually transmitted diseases include
淋病艾滋病毒疱疹衣原体
gonorrhea, HIV, herpes, chlamydia,
HPV 甲型到丙型肝炎
HPV, hepatitis A through C- -
♪肯尼迪被吹走了我还能说什么♪
♪JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say? ♪
♪不是我们放的火♪
♪We didn't start the fire♪
泰迪别闹了
Ted, knock it offl
看这就是我说的重点
See, this is exactly what I m talking about.
为了避免性传播疾病
To avoid sexually transmitted disease,
安全的性行为是很重要的
it is important to practice safe sex.
谁能告诉我最安全的性♥爱♥是什么
Now, who can tell me what the safest sex of all is?
没有人知道吗
No one?
是自♥慰♥
Masturbation.
如果你要布置作业
Hey, if you're gonna assign homework,
约翰尼今早上就已经做完了
Johnny already did it this morning
喂你给我闭嘴
Hey, shut the fuck up, dudel
他还做了额外学分 -安静
He's doing extra credit. Be quiet!
打住 -噢
Stop itl Oh!
你再这样下去就要被关禁闭了先生
You keep that up, you're headed for detention, mister.
那么为什么进行安全性行为很重要呢
Now, why is it important to practice safe sex?
这一切都始于生物学
Well, it all begins with biology.
要来了 -让我们
Aw, here we go. - Let's start
从女性生殖系统开始讲
with the female reproductive system.
哦不
Oh, no.
天呐即使对你来说这也太快了
Holy shit. That's fast, even for you.
嗯不过还好一切都结束了
Well, I'm glad that's over, huh?
我懂那就像婴儿版性教育
I know, that was like sex ed for babies.
什么
What?
说真的居然光说自♥慰♥
I mean, you're really gonna talk
连能提升体验的办法都不讲
about masturbation and leave out edging?
说真的他甚至没说按♥摩♥前列腺
Seriously. He didn't even talk about
能够提高高♥潮♥强度
how massaging the prostate increases orgasm intensity.
你看到了吗我提到舔菊
Did you see how when I brought up rimming,
他就翻到词汇表去了吗
he flipped to the glossary?
等等你
Wait, you t- -
你们俩上过床吗
you two have had sex?
没有呢
No.
我只会自摸
Im felching my own jizz.
废话我们都16岁了
Pfft! Duh, we're 16.
什么时候和谁
When? With who?
几周前和对方
A few weeks ago, with each other.
我们不想成为学校里最后一个
We didn't want to be the last ones in school
破处的人
to lose our virginity.
哦对
Oh, yeah.
哦不当然了
No. Right, of course.
那样不是丢脸死了
How- - how lame would that be, right?
我都不知道你们俩在约会
Wow, I didn't even know you two guys were dating
安德鲁我以为你是同性恋
Andrew, Ithought you were gay.
我不知道可能是
I don't know. Might be.
我只知道我可不是个废物
I just know I'm not a fucking loser.
你好自信我好喜欢
You're so confident. I love it.
我们去电脑室吧
Let's go to the computer room.
我们可以一边玩俄勒冈小道一边做
We can do it on the Oregon Trail.
好家伙泰迪你知道这意味着什么吗
Holy shit, Teddy, do you know what this means?
我是学校里最后一个处♥男♥
I'm the last virgin in school.
本·卡恩斯呢
What about Ben Carness?
不是他和他数学老师睡了
No, he slept with his math teacher.
所以她才被开除了
That's why she got fired.
我以为她因为给他致幻药才被解雇的
I thought she got fired for giving him angel dust
对他们就是交换这俩来着
Yeah, Teddy, I think that was the trade
好家伙那是真的离谱
oh, yeah, well, then that's a mess.
不管怎样兄弟这很严肃的
Anyway, dude, this is serious
我得赶紧找个人上♥床♥
Ineed to hurry up and have sex with somebody
不然别人会发现的我就丢大脸了
before people find out and I'm humiliated
你是对的我们得找个买♥♥家
You're right. We gotta find a buyer.
新鲜的阴♥茎♥
Fresh penis!
来买♥♥新鲜的阴♥茎♥
Get your fresh penis herel
天呐泰迪
Ted, Jesus Christl
这阴♥茎♥以前属于一个只在周日
This penis used to belong to a little old lady
用它的小老太太
who only fucked it on Sundays!
还有新出厂的气味
Still has that new penis smell!
你能闭上嘴吗
Will you shut up?
好吧我只是想帮忙
AlJ right, Imjust trying to help
好吧那塔莉亚呢
Okay, what about Talia?
塔莉亚·温斯洛普是不会跟你上♥床♥的
Talia Winthrop is not having sex with you.
嘿你又不知道
Hey, you don t know that
你见过和她约会的男人吗约翰尼
You ever seen the guys she dates, Johnny?
他们是沉思的堕落者
They're brooding degenerates.
他们会涂指甲的
They paint their nails.
你就想干这个吗你想涂指甲吗
Is that what you want to do? You want to paint your nails?
我又不介意涂指甲
I could paint my nails.
好吧你想做指甲油哥吗
Oh, ok- - oh, you want to be nail- painting guy?
好了准备好永远失去幽默感吧
Okay, get ready to never be funny.
不要再开玩笑了
No more jokes.
你再也没机会开玩笑了
You never get to make a joke again.
为什么
Why not?
涂指甲油的男人都很严肃
Nail- paint guy is very serious.
如果你在游轮上看到船长
If you're on a cruise and you spot
带着一位女乘客回到
the captain bringing a lady passenger
他的船舱你会怎么说
back to his cabin, what do you say?
你会说她有得吹了
Well, you say, "Thar she blows. "
不你不会你会说挺甜的
No, you don't. You say, "Good for them. "
你会说在这个操蛋的世界每个人都值得爱
You say, "Everyone deserves love in this fucked- up world, "
因为你是涂指甲油那种人
cause you got painted nails.
等等我能说”让我抖抖这木头”吗
Wait, can I- - can I say, "Shiver me timbers"?
不你不能不能讲笑话
No, you cannot. No jokes.
只有指甲油
Only finger colors.
嘿布莱尔你觉得
Oh, hey, Blaire. Hey, you think
你的大学朋友会愿意
one of your college friends would be willing
和约翰上♥床♥吗
to have sex with John?
肯定会的每个文学专业学生的梦想
Yeah, every lit major wants
都是和一个青少年在他的星球大战床单上做♥爱♥
to have sex with a teenager on his Star Wars sheets.
和她父亲关系不好也是加分项噢
Oh, and a bad relationship with her father is a plus.
你有这样的朋友吗
You got any friends like that?
好吧你为什么问我这个
Okay, why are you asking me this?
因为我是我们班最后一个处♥男♥
Cause I'm the last virgin in my class.
别这样你的朋友总是想
Come on, your friends are always
在这个世界上做点好事的吧
trying to do good in the world.
不如让她们中的一个先别解决饥饿的问题
How about one of em takes a break
来帮这小子解决一下饥渴的问题
from feeding the hungry to fuck the desperate?
嗯不行我是不会帮你的
Yeah, no. I'm not helping you.
天啊我真可怜
God, I'm pathetic.
别这样有很多处子很酷的
Ah, come on. There'salot of cool virgins.