泰迪熊（2024）

Ted S01E04

Part 5 Jan. 20, 2024, 1:31 p.m.

必须的必啊
Fuck yeah, I got porn.
给看吧
Here, check this out.
这是画的啊
These are drawings.
对啊
Yeah.
这是你画的黄♥片♥
This is this is porn that you drew.
是我妈不让我看黄♥片♥
Yeah, my mom won't let me look at the real stuff
因为里面有香烟广♥告♥ 所以
because of the cigarette ads, so...
为什么都是 -我画不了手活
Why- why are they all- - - Oh, I can't do hands.
所以
Oh. So...
你知道最诡异的地方是什么吗
You know what the weirdest part is, man?
现在如果有女孩用手我就特别烦
Now when a girl has hands, I hate it.
这是薇诺娜·瑞德在上霹雳猫王吗
Is that Winona Ryder fucking Lion- O?
就是薇诺娜·瑞德在上对
That is Winona Ryder fuck- - yeah.
我多画了不少毛
I gave her a ton of bush.
我觉得她本人应该没有这么多
I doubt she has that much bush in real life,
但这就是艺术的魅力嘛
but that's the beauty of art, right?
你想象什么就是什么
It can be anything we imagine it to be.
他的老二是把剑
His dick is a sword.
你永远猜不到他的剑是什么
You'll never guess what his sword is.
是老二吧 -老二
Is it a dick? - A dick.
嗯 -是老二
Yeah. It's a dick.
这张让我特别性奋
This one gets me so good.
有哪张是你看了感觉特别性奋的吗
Do you ever look at one that gets you good?
画不会但
Not a drawing, but not- -
在这之前没有
not before this.
那你就肯定是方式不对
Then you're not doing it right.
给我
Oh. - Give them back.
我真特么不敢相信你居然把车给撞了
Oh, I can't fucking believe you just did that!
我贷款还没还完一半呢
I'm not even halfway done with payments on this car.
天这车你还花钱了
Jesus, you paid for this car?
闭嘴吧这车挺好的
Oh, shut up. It's a great car.
天布莱尔有个孩子在底下
Oh, my God, Blaire, there's a kid in the grill!
什么 -我逗你呢
What? - I'm just kidding.
看你吓的
Look at your face.
王八蛋
Motherfucker!
但你看哈这么一比现实生活也没那么糟糕了
Yeah, but see, now real life ain't so bad, right?
不不我们得赶紧在警♥察♥到之前
No, no, we gotta get this thing
把这车给拖走
towed before the cops show up.
因为我们都喝酒了
Oh, because we've been drinking.
没错艾萨克·牛顿先生我们喝酒了
Yes, Isaac Newton, because we've been fucking drinking.
等会为什么我们不告诉警♥察♥
Well, wait a minute, why don't we
我们是在撞车后
just tell the cops that we started
才开始喝酒的呢
drinking after we crashed?
对吧因为我们撞了特别气
Right, we were so pissed about the crash,
于是就喝了9瓶啤酒
that we had nine beers.
你这主意还真不错
You know, that's actually a great idea.
真的吗 -对
Really? - Yeah.
你解决了我们酒驾的问题
I think you just solved drunk driving.
我真的解决了 -当然没有你个蠢货
I did, didn't I? - No, you dipshit.
我们得去找个电♥话♥
We gotta go find a phone.
他们怎么说
Well, what'd they say?
他们说电♥话♥只给店员用
Uh, they said phone is for employees only.
还有你个醉鬼赶紧从厨房♥给我出去
Also, get the fuck out of the kitchen, you drunk.
靠
Shit. - Yeah.
给我偷了个苹果派给你
Here, I stole you an apple pie.
谢了
Oh, thanks. - Mm- hmm.
我不知道为什么
Well, you know, I don't know why
总觉得你跟家里的那几个白入垃圾
I always think you're not white trash
不太一样
like the rest of the family.
去你♥妈♥的♥
Fuck you.
因为你是真不一样
Because you are.
赶紧吃你的吧
OK, just eat it.
小小心了麦当劳的苹果派总是特别烫口
Careful, McDonald's apple pies are always a little hot.
我勒个去 -天
Oh, Jesus Christl- Ah, God!
他们为特么什么要这样啊 -天
Why the fuck do they do that? - Ah, God!
我不知道
I don't know.
现在应该凉了吧
It's probably cooled off by now, though.
我靠
Oh, goddammitl
这晚上真特么见鬼了
This fucking goddamn night.
也许我们可以叫个出租
Maybe we can call a cab.
我没钱了你连衣兜都没有
I don't have any cash, and you don't have any pockets.
我们得给家打个对方付费电♥话♥
We've got to find a payphone and call home.
喂
Hello?
有一通对方付费电♥话♥
Will you accept a collect call from this- -
不接
No.
好吧让我想想
AlI right, just let me think for a second.
好吧现在我们离学校不远
OK, look, we're not too far from campus.
不如我们走回去然后用达蒙的电♥话♥
Why don't we just walk back and use Damon's phone?
那个变♥态♥吗
That pervert?
什么 -才不要
What? - Fuck no.
为什么
Why not? I mean- -
因为他现在可能正把你坐过的垫子
Because he's probably back there right now
放到锅里去煮准备当做汤底呢
boiling the cushion you sat on to make soup stock.
你到底想不想回家了
Well, you want to get home in time or not?
布莱尔我知道你没看出来
Blaire, I know you don't see it, OK,
但我真的不信任那家伙
but I don't trust that guy.
我的天哪 -我不信任他
Oh, my God. - I don't trust him.
我觉得他满脑子只有一件事那就是打炮
I think he's got one thing on his mind, filthy doings.
行吧我明白你是关心我
OK, look, I get your concern for me, or whatever,
但我是个成年人了好吗
but I'm an adult, OK?
我可以照顾好自己
I can take care of myself.
布莱尔你有见过老男人的老二吗
Blaire, have you ever seen an old man penis?
就像融化了的咖啡冰淇淋
It's like a melted pint of coffee ice cream.
充满了悲伤就好像
There's a sadness to it, almost like it
它记得自己之前的样子似的
remembers how it used to look.
看上去就好像它想隐藏
I mean, it looks like- - like it's trying to hide,
但却太累了
but it's too tired.
不不你知道它看起来像什么吗
No, no. You know what it looks like?
看起来就像伯特·拉尔脱下了
It looks like Bert Lahr when he took
《绿野仙踪》里胆小狮的衣服但他脸上却还化着妆
off the Cowardly Lion suit but he still had the makeup on.
就是靠
It's- oh, shit.
你最后一句听到的是啥
What was the last one you heard?
我们戴上昨天晚上做的服装吧
Let's put on our costumes that we made last night.
好了
OK.
你喜欢看电影吗
You like movies?
喜欢
Yeah.
我有个牛仔竞技死亡的录像我们可以一起看
I got a VHS of rodeo deaths we could watch.
牛仔竞技死亡
Rodeo deaths?
就是真正的死亡那种
You know, there's something about real death.
让你特别性奋
Just like it just turns you on, you know?
为什么我们都会这样呢
Why is that for all of us?
我说实话我回答不了这个问题
I- - I honestly can't answer that question.
我逗你玩呢
I'm totally fucking with you.
不过我确实有个录像带
Seriously though, I do have the tape.
我们把衣服脱了一起看吧
We could take off our shirts, just watch it together.
行行不如下次吧
Yeah, yeah. Maybe next time.
我还是逗你的
I'm fucking with you again.
我天你都差点要脱了
Oh, my God. You were about to do it.
不我没有 -你有
No, no, I wasn't. - You were.
你的上衣都要脱一半了
Your shirt's like, halfway off already.
我才没有 -不过有可能哦
No, it's fucking not. - Nah, it could be though.
我们想脱就可以脱
We could have it off if we wanted to.
你知道有个东西特别棒吗 -什么
You know what's great? - What?
可♥卡♥因♥
Crack. - Ah.
比如有人说
You know how, like, someone's like,
我喜欢巧克力蛋糕
oh, I like chocolate cake.
好好吃啊就像可♥卡♥因♥一样
It's so good, it's like crack.
这就是真的可♥卡♥因♥
This is actually crack.
有很多负面报道吧
Gets a lot of bad press.
但我跟你说吧这东西完全不像他们说的那样
Gotta tell you, furthest thing from whack.