泰迪熊（2024）

Ted S01E05

Part 3 Jan. 20, 2024, 1:31 p.m.

你就这么跑了
and you just fucking walked out?
从我一走进那扇门那个庸医
That quack had it in for me the second I
就开始针对我
walked in that door.
你知道他说什么吗知道他说什么吗
You know what he said? You know what he said?
他说我自私
He said I'm selfish.
多惊讶啊
Oh, shocker.
他说我需要多妥协一点
Yeah, he said, I need to compromise more.
你能相信他这一番胡话吗
Can you believe that fucking shit?
我一周工作60小时只为了支撑起这个家
I'mworking a 60- hour week just to keep a roof over our heads.
他的确工作很努力
He does work a lot.
看连她都能明白
See? Even she gets it.
我做的所有事都是为了你
Everything I do, I do it for you.
等等你的意思是你不能强求我
Wait, so you're saying, you can't tell me
这不值得一试
it's not worth trying for.
没错 -还有我也无能为力
Exactly. Like, I can't help it.
这一切都不是为了我自己 -看到没
There's nothing I want more. - See?
你知道这是真的
You know it's true.
我的天哪
Oh, my God.
简直不敢相信他说了这话
Shit, I can't believe he said it.
太精彩了
Oh, fucking amazing.
什么
What?
是布莱恩·亚当斯的歌♥词
It's Bryan Adams.
太精彩了太精彩了
Oh, what a treat. What a treat.
马蒂婚姻咨♥询♥的意义就在于
Matty, the whole point of this was
能让你能够客观的看待自己的婚姻
for you to get a neutral perspective on your marriage.
他才没有客观看待
He was not neutral.
她说的一切他都赞同
He agreed with everything she said.
我说的他就嗤之以鼻
And he took a shit on everything I said.
让我理清楚
So let me get this straight.
所以只有赞同你的意见才能叫客观
So no one's neutral unless they agree with you all the time.
明白
Got it.
那家伙从哈佛大学镀了金
The guy's a Harvard fancy pants.
他根本不懂普通人
He doesn't understand regular guys.
特拉梅尔酒吧的酒保
The bartender down at Trammell s always
就总认为我是对的
thinks I'm right.
说真的他昨晚还对我说
In fact, he just said to me last night,
你想说的都说了你可以回家了
"You've made your point. You can go home now. "
那我们就弄清楚
OK. So let's figure this out.
如果费尔德斯坦医生不中立那谁能做到
If Dr. Feldstein's not neutral, then who would be?
你愿意让谁来做你们中立的裁决者
Who would you accept as a neutral arbiter?
一个不带私人目的的人
Someone with no fucking agenda.
就比如泰迪
Like Ted.
泰迪
Ted?
对啊他很公正也不管闲事
Yeah, he's an even guy, minds his own business.
他就很中立
He's neutral.
这主意有趣
That's an interesting idea
那你接受泰迪作为中立的裁决者
So you'd accept Ted as a neutral arbiter?
当然
Absolutely.
那就这样干你怎么说泰迪
Fuck it. What do you say Ted?
说什么
About what?
抱歉我在玩填字游戏
Sorry. I was doing these Mad Libs.
八十鸡年前
Four score and seven cocks ago.
这比原来的句子有意思
That's better than the real one.
集中注意
Focus.
你愿意聆听苏珊和马蒂各自的看法
Would you be willing to listen to Susan and Matty's sides
然后做出客观的判断吗
and then make an objective judgment call?
你什么意思就像心理医生一样吗
What do you mean, like a- - like a therapist?
不是心理治疗就只是聆听
Not therapy, just listening
布莱尔
Oh, Blaire.
他不想做也没关系
It's all right if he doesn't want to.
我就看看奥普拉脱口秀就好
I can just watch"Oprah. "
或许会有个适用于我的情况的话题
And maybe they'll have a topic that applies to me.
你愿意吗
Will you do it?
借用亚伯拉罕·林肯的话
Well, in the words of Abraham Lincoln,
无法自动控制的腹泻不能够约翰的小鸡鸡
a diarrhea divided against itself cannot John's wiener.
拜托老兄别写这个
Oh, come on, man. Don't put that.
好吧我这就擦掉
OK. I'II erase it.
也不用穿这么正式吧
You know, the suit wasn't necessary.
布莱尔拜托
Blaire, please.
约翰尼是我最好的朋友
Johnny is my best friend.
他和这事有直接的利害关系
He's got a stake in this.
所以我既然要做就要好好做
So if I'm doing it, I'm doing it right.
现在我们从基本问题开始
Now let's start with the basics.
你们的婚姻
Would you classify your marriage
性生活是否满足
as sexually satisfying?
什么
What?
你们发生性♥交♥的频率是多少
How often would you say you have intercourse?
这和你有什么关系
That's none of your goddamn business.
不如我们就
Look, why don't we just stick- -
半年一次 -半年一次
Every six months. - Every six months.
肛♥交♥呢
And what about anal?
老兄你认真的吗 -我的天啊
Dude, seriously. - Jesus Christ.
我们的确喜欢房♥间干净点
We do like the room to be clean.
有的
Yeah.
她说有
She said, yes.
太搞笑了
Hilarious.
我要你们看着对方
OK, now I want you to turn to each other
说出自己认为最刻薄的话
and say the meanest thing you can think of.
泰迪不如问他们一些有意义的事
Ted, why don't you ask them something
比如他们如何相遇的
productive like how they met,
他们是怎样相爱的
what originally drew them to each other?
好吧
AlI right.
马蒂苏珊最初吸引你的是哪一点
Matty, what originally attracted you to Susan?
她的天真
Her innocence.
额好吧
Oh, OK
怎么了
What?
我还以为
I thought-
我已经写下了
I already wrote it's- -
算了
it's fine.
苏珊呢
Susan.
他的真心
His heart.
我和马蒂初次相遇时
When Matty and I first met,
他给我们买♥♥了西蒙和加芬克尔组合的演唱会门票
he bought us tickets to see Simon &Garfunkel.
那天是周五
It was a Friday.
他从早上六点就开始工作了
And he'd been working since 6: 00 a. m.
可怜的马蒂已经很累了
Poor Matty was so tired.
如果有治疗疲倦的方法
Well, if there's any cure for being tired,
不就是西蒙和加芬克尔的歌♥吗
it's Simon &Garfunkel.
我们从没近距离看过他们
We'd never seen them up close.
所以我们进去后马蒂才意识到
So when we got there, Matty realized
加芬克尔是个男人
that Garfunkel was a man.
所以我们只得离开了 -等等为什么
So we had to leave. Wait, why?
两个男人不应该唱二重唱
Two men shouldn't be singing harmony.
爸你不是喜欢霍尔和奥茨的组合吗
Dad, I thought you liked Hall&Oates?
那不一样 -为什么
That's different. Why?
因为他们是齐唱
Because they sing in unison.
要不然就是轮流唱一个先一个后
Or they take turns, one and then the other one.
这样就可以
That's OK.
那克罗斯比斯蒂尔斯和纳什的乐队呢
What about Crosby, Stills &Nash?
他们现在还没什么
They're all right for now.
但我会盯着他们的
But I'm keeping my eye on them.
你这人真复杂
You're a complicated man.
我还在等你讲真心的故事呢
I'm still waiting for the heart part.
我们回到车上
Well, we got in the car.
马蒂开车回了家拿出了他的唱片机
And Matty drove home, and he got his record player.
他带我去了波士顿公园
And he took me to Boston Common.
我们一边在草坪上野餐
And we had a picnic on the lawn while we
一边听桑尼和雪儿的歌♥
listened to Sonny &Cher.
然后他给我买♥♥了一朵玫瑰花
And he bought me a rose.
和我就在草坪上跳起了舞
And he danced with me right there on the grass.